MALACHI PULTE'S MOVIE REVIEWS

(Malachi Pulte has been writing this page since he was eight years old and in the third grade. He is an avid movie critic and hopes to be a scriptwriter and director someday.)

Addams Family Values:  I liked the whole movie, for example, the part where the kids are in summer camp, and Wednesday was supposed to be the life guard and another kid wanted to be the victim, so the girl who was going to be the victim jumped in and pretended to drown, and Wednesday said, "I can't swim." The people who made this movie knew that camp is really as terrible as it is. I feel that there was a bit too much angst. I have noted that they always make Fester be the one whom causes the trouble. The actor that plays Fester played the crazy doctor in the Back to the Future movies and the bad guy in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. His name is Christopher Lloyd, and he's a really, really good actor!

Aliens:  I give this a four because they took too much trouble with that cat, and I think that she should have used the flame thrower, not that dart gun, in disposing of the alien. I like the alien a lot; it's a very nice special effect. I think Sigourney Weaver did a very good job at acting out the tough babe character. And Veronica Cartwright played an always scared kind of character. The thing that doesn't make sense to me is that if it's a cargo vessel, why do they have those huge guns, and how would they be able to use them if they're all asleep? And I liked their android, who was camouflaged as a human. He had the very strange problem of having his insides looking like milk and spaghetti.

Antz:  It is good other than it has Woody Allan, one of the worst actors in human history! My suggestion is: see it because the animation is great.

The Birds:  I like this movie because Alfred Hitchcock created it, and because Veronica Cartwright played a main roll in this film. Sometimes you could see a real resemblance to Angela Cartwright, her sister. I think they should not have shown as much gore as they did. For example they had a scene where the main character comes into this house and finds a bleeding eyeless guy, I found this a bit overdone. And I wonder why they had the birds always sounding like cats. It was nice that they didn't have their most main character lady scream at all, but Veronica Cartwright's character screamed almost all the time. The ending: I wish that they had added more to it, and not have them driving off without finishing what was happening with the birds.

Bug's Life:  The reason I give this six stars is that it has reasonably good art and it has Jonathan Harris! And best of all, it has no cheesy sidekicks and no cheesy singing! But there was some ant angst.

Destroy All Monsters (Attack of the Marching Monsters):  This is the ninth Godzilla movie. The problem is that the dubbing and the special effects are terrible. The cast of monsters includes: Anguirus, Godzilla, Rodan, Baragon, Mothra, Varan, Ghidora, Gorosaurus, Minilla, Manda, and Komanga. Personally my favorite in the Showa series.

The Fellowship of the Ring:  This movie has great costumes, great special effects and some very creepy scenes. The acting was generally okay. The best parts of the movie were the parts with Hugo Weaving, who played the elf king. He seems menacing even as a good guy, even as an elf good guy! But the movie had the most unoriginal music in the entire universe, And to this day I really don't get why its music won an award. Another thing: this movie had some really dumb parts, like the part where one guy was shot by about 10 broomstick-sized arrows and he still fought. This really got tiresome after awhile. I think this movie would be nice to see once in the theater but not good enough to own.

Fifth Element:  This is a good movie because of very good special effects. The funny thing about it is the main character's mother and Ruby Rod. The blue lady was interesting because she had tentacles, and because she was blue. I like her opera. The only the thing I would change about this movie is how slow they were, like when the bad guy was putting the key in the bomb to stop it.

Gamera vs. Guiron:    This movie is a cheap take-off on the success that is Godzilla. This was created by the failing Daiei Studios. Imagine a giant paper-mache turtle made by kindergartners and a play-dough character whose nose looks like a cardboard butterknife. Then add to that the worst dubbing in human history. And the adults are sadistic and stupid. One mother says of her son, "When he comes home I will spank him thirty times." In other words, somebody gave Daiei Studios ten bucks and told them to make a movie!

Ghostbusters:  I love the Ghostbusters theme song, and in this movie, also, Sigourney Weaver is one of the main characters. First they see a ghost. It scares them off. And then they get fired from the university and they're trying to find a new job, and they buy this building, and get a job as Ghostbusters in that building. The thing I like about this is that the ghosts were really well done. The actors were very funny. Rick Moranis did a pretty good job as the main nerd of the film.

Glenn or Glenda: What the heck is this thing? When watching this movie, part of you will want to stop and the other part of you will be watching in grim fascination, not wanting to stop. You are probably asking why there aren't any stars or bombs. Well, the fact is you can't rate this movie. It is so bad it breaks some sort of barrier of bad. Every human on this planet should be subjected to it once. Think about Bela Lugosi babbling about snails, people moaning on a couch, herds of ratty-looking bison, AND ONE REALLY UGLY GUY IN DRAG.

Godzilla (1998): It's sort of stupid that they called Godzilla a "he" even after they found out it was a "she." Godzilla was pregnant and men don't have babies! And I think the main character should have fallen for the scientist, not that cheesy woman, the reporter. And I think they could have done a better job on Godzilla's chin; it looks like a Popeye chin! And people should have moved faster instead of just standing there, like, for example, when the main character had this huge crack going under him. Warning: if you are a true Godzilla fan like myself, don't watch this movie. Also I gave this movie three stars out of the fact that overall it is an ok movie.

Godzilla 2000: This is the definition of a great Godzilla film. It was made by its original creators, Toho Studios, and not some American studio. Even with the suitmation, special effects can be seen . And now true Godzilla fans can once again know they have the newest Godzilla film made by the original creator.

Godzilla, King of the Monsters:  I wish that they didn't have their main character smoking in bed, because isn't that dangerous? And that's the reason I give it five stars instead of six. Other than that, this movie is very enjoyable. What really impresses me is that they can make all those building models with so much detail and that they made them so that they would crumble realistically. This is Godzilla in his earliest form, still 50 meters in height. It's interesting to see the first Godzilla movie.

Godzilla's Revenge (aka  All Monsters Attack):  This time, the monsters are only in the mind of a child. The casting in this movie includes: Kamacarus, Anguirus, Godzilla, Minilla, Ebirah, Komanga, Gorosaurus, Manda, and, last but not least, Gabera. A child outwits two thugs and a bully. Minilla sounds like Barney in the dubbing! This has the best human characters I have seen in a Godzilla movie in the Showa series, other than in the movie Mothra.

Godzilla X Megaguirius:  This is truly a good Godzilla movie. Good characters, good monsters and a weird plot. The plot was a bit strange since no matter the what size of the black hole it would have sucked the world into itself at that range. You see, they were planning to suck Godzilla into a black hole to kill him. Megaguirius became a problem because a Megaguiri colony came out of a time-space rift caused by the black hole. In the end we are treated to an amusing fight between Godzilla and Megaguirius, a giant dragonfly-like creature, and her minions.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (the first one):  The reason I give it such a poor rating is that it's gory, and has bad dubbing, terrible special effects, bad aliens, and that they kill Anguirus. Plus I have never liked Mechagodzilla; I personally prefer non-mechanical monsters like Anguirus, Gorosaurus, and Rodan. 

Hollow Man:  This movie has too much of what I don't like, such as violence. A lot of people die, most of whom are the nicest carecters. And the plot is so easy to guess. You know who will die and who will live. And it took too much to kill the bad guy. But onto the nice things about the movie: The special effects are top of the line, and it was very creepy and an effective horror movie.

Independence Day:  I think they should have had Dr. Okun play a more major part in that movie. A lot of the actors had funny voices, gravelly ones. And a stupid thing in the movie: they said the aliens had no vocal cords, so how could they make those little noises? Why the heck did the President ask if the aliens could be killed if he had already seen the dead ones? And Dr. Okun should have barbecued the aliens!

The Indiana Jones Series: Well, I like the first and the third, but not the second. The second one was too gross, and I can't believe Indy would fall for Willie! Blech! Talk about cheese! What I like about the first one is that there is some comedy in there, and it has some very good special effects. What I like about the third one is that it has Indy's father, who is a very nice character played by Sean Connery, the same person who played James Bond. And let me tell you who the new James Bond is: Pierce Brosnan, one of the most cheesiest actors in human history!
    Raiders of the Lost Arc:
    Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:  I am giving it three stars because it has a child actor who is not cheesy, some good jokes, and good special effects.
    Indiana Jones and Last Crusade:  This one loses a star because Sean Connery slurs his words and he should get new dentures.

Kingdom Come: They could have done better. It was pretty funny but the cheese level was too much for me. It's about a funeral of a mean old man and how the family members react with each other.

Lost in Space Movie:  It's pretty good, but they made their Doctor Smith too young and too evil. He should be both good and bad. And the good thing about it is that they had some of the old characters play small parts in the movie. The old Judy and Penny played reporters, the old Don played a general, and June Lockhart, the mother, looked the same as she did when she was young. She played the principal. The new Penny is gross! The new Judy is a lot better than the old Judy. And the new John is better than the old John, and the new mother is a lot better than the old mother. The new Don is worse. The blorp should have been left out!

Matrix:  This is a movie worth seeing because of its great special effects, wonderful acting, and creepy plot. One of the best characters is Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving. Hugo Weaving is Australian, but doesn't sound like it. The best scene of all is the scene where the main character has deja vu of a black cat, and it meant that the bad guys were messing with the Matrix. This movie has some very interesting stunts in it, too. Another neat scene is the one where the main character jumps into Agent Smith and disrupts the programming. He only could do this when he was able to fully develop his control over the Matrix programming. So, see this movie. It's worth it.

Men in Black:  Great movie, great acting, great special effects and great aliens! My recommendation: see this movie! I liked that everytime you saw the main bad guy in his human suit, he looked worse, as if the skin were rotting and hardening.

Miss Congeniality: I think this movie deserves a lot of credit for its funny humor and its main character. This movie is about a tough cop women going under cover as a Miss United States contestant to find a major terrorist who is planing to kill the winning contestant. I would have given this movie more stars but her boyfriend is cheesy.

Mission  To Mars: This movie is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!. Beginning to end this movie is bad. The aliens were fakey . It is possible to recite the script without even seeing the movie before. It's about a bunch of astronauts who are going to try to save their friend from Mars who was working on a project which was decimated by an unknown cause. As they uncover the mysteries, unraveling the stupid plot, it eventually leads them to a white dome the shape of a alien's head . And when they go inside they eventually find a room filled with the planets of the solar system. They learn that Mars was a thriving planet but was decimated by an asteroid. And that most of the inhabitants went to a different galaxy but one ship went to Earth. We're supposedly evolved from the Martians. Our species evolved from amphibians to dinosaurs to mammoths and then into humans. If you waste your money seeing this movie, don't say I didn't warn you.

Moby Dick: I think that Patrick Stewart did a better job than Gregory Peck. He put enough slobber in his words. And I liked the part where Ahab said, "What do you do when you see a whale, men?" and they answered, "Sing opera, sir!" I think they should sing Fleidermaus. The whale in the 1997 movie was bad; it looked like a big piece of plastic. The one in the first movie looked all cut up and speared like it was supposed to.
    Moby Dick I:  Better whale!
    Moby Dick II:  Better Ahab!

Mulan:  It's a very good and interesting movie, because this one was not a love story. Disney cartoon movies are usually love stories. I like Mulan, the main character, and it had very good animation. The bad guy didn't fall in love with Mulan, which was nice. I didn't like her sidekick, because he was cheese on a stick! Disney should stop making cutesy sidekicks! My recommendation: see this movie!

The Others:  One of the creepiest movies I have ever seen. They manage to make everything seem creepy. And this movie does it all without a drop of blood. Plus it has great creepy starting credits, and a surprise ending.

Out to Sea:  I bet that actress said, "You never said in my contract that I'd have to smooch Walter Mathau. You'd better give me a bigger paycheck!"  I wish that Brent Spiner played a friendlier character, because he was obnoxious and called one of the female characters "an old bat," because I like Brent Spiner. But he definetly looked like he enjoyed it though.

Schreck:  This movie is a piece of art. It's funny, has good acting, and some of the best animation I've seen in my life. It isn't cheesy, and every time it looks like it's about to get cheesy, it jumps out of it with something funny. The plot avoids cliches, and it has a nice reverse ending from "Beauty and the Beast." It's an overall good thing to see.

Star Trek: First Contact:  I like the answer Data gave the Borg Queen when she asked him, "Do you always talk this much?" and he said, "Not always, but often." I think that Picard was a bit out of character for Picard, because he was obnoxious. I like the scene where Deanna got drunk, because she was acting so funny.

Star Trek: Generations:  That's the movie where Kirk dies. In the fifth Star Trek movie, Kirk says he knows he will die alone, but in this movie he dies with Picard around him. Spot the cat is supposed to be a female, but the cat actor is a tom. I like this movie a lot. When Data gets his emotion chip in this movie, he tells bad jokes to the engineer, Geordie. The Klingon babes have very disgusting teeth.

Star Trek: Nemisis: This movie was overall pretty good. But that guy who was Picard's clone looked very little like him except that he was bald. Also they showed a picture of Picard in the acadamy. The picture was no more then that clone guy in a stupid looking academy uniform. Plus he was bald in the picture. Also Data dies but he at least gave some of his memories to B-4 so there is a good chance that if they make a sequel he will be back. 

Star Trek: Insurrection:  It's a very silly movie, and it has good special effects, good acting, and disgusting bad guys. My favorite joke is when Data and Picard and Worf sing opera. My second favorite joke is Worf's gorch. Please see this movie.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture:  This movie had lots of scenes which were just there to fill up time. This movie is too long! It spends most of the time showing the Enterprise or the alien cloud. At least the Klingons had ridges this time. Ilia was one of their better characters. At least she didn't fall for Kirk, but she didn't have very good taste, because she likes Captain Decker. Decker is a very cheesy guy. He's not very interesting, either. I give the movie credit for very interesting special effects at times. Other than that, this movie is not really worth seeing. Save your money and save your lives!

Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan:  This is better than ST: The Motion Picture, but still needs some work! Sorry, Gene, try again! It's too gory for me, for one thing, and Khan's chest is fakey. And, boy, Kirk's son is a jerk! He's cheesy. Remember that guy that Scotty brought onto the bridge? You know, the bloody guy. He was originally supposed to be Scotty's nephew, but they cut out the scene where Scotty introduces Kirk to his nephew. So, when you see that guy, just think, "Scotty, I feel really sorry for you! If only, if only Khan didn't shoot your engineering bay, things might have gone a little different."  And another thing -- if they had really been smart, they would have had those worms do in Chekov instead of that other guy. Well cant have evrything.

Star Trek: The Search for Spock:  You've still got a lot of work to do, Gene! In this movie, they replace Christy Alley, who played Saviic in ST: Wrath of Khan, with a stiff, not very interesting actress who looks nothing like Christy Alley. And another thing -- the kid that they used to play Spock as a kid didn't look particularly like Spock to me, but he was realistic when he was in agony. Guess who played the main bad guy? Christopher Lloyd! For that, this movie gains one star. And Kirk's son dies!

Star Trek: The Voyage Home: Very good movie! Good going, Gene! Spock gives an annoying guy with a boombox a Vulcan nerve pinch. Thanks, Spock! I wish we could do that to everyone who plays those things. Leonard Nimoy wrote a lot of the jokes in this movie. He is a kindred spirit. They used a bird of prey as their main ship this time. They swiped it from a Klingon. Watch this movie, and you will be happy with Star Trek again.

Star Trek: The Final Frontier: Not exactly Gene's best work, but I guess it's the thought that counts. Kirk is really macho in this movie. He falls off a mountain, but is saved by Spock when he is just about to become a human pancake on the ground. Spock, why did you do it? Why????!!! Anyway, the Enterprise barely works, so that adds some humor to it. Kirk says he needs a shower. I think he does, too. Spock's half brother, on a planet which was not very nice, gets a friend who has weird teeth! He gains the trust of a Romulan, a Klingon, and a Human. Kirk gets attacked by a catwoman, and Uhura gets to dance (one of the better scenes!). Unfortunately, Chekov gets the Captain's chair. Sulu actually does something interesting -- they gave him a good line! They ask him if he's ever entered a shuttle bay manually. He says, "Actually, this is my first attempt." You have to see the movie to get the humor. But still, I say again: save your money, and save your lives!

Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country: Oh, no! Not another one of these. Well, unfortunately, the intrepid Enterprise crew gets back into space to make terms with Klingons. Oh, boy! I wonder how Kirk's going to react to this. Well, anyway, we see that Sulu has become a Captain and witnessed the explosion of the Klingon moon Praxas. Again, we have the usual fakey falling when the ship gets shaken (they shake themselves and fall to make it look like the ship is shaking). And then, the Klingons want to make a peace treaty with the Federation. Spock chooses the Enterprises crew to lead this peace treaty mission. Spock, you know how Kirk will react! Kirk acts upset, of course, and tells Spock this is not very logical. Spock goes against his idea, and something goes wrong with the peace treaty. Someone shoots the Klingon ship. Of course, the Klingons blame the Enterprise. When the Klingon's gravitational field was down, two Federation officers in suits and magnetic boots beamed over to the Klingon ship and shot a whole bunch of Klingons, including the ambassador. So, Kirk and McCoy beam over to see if they can help. But Spock, it turns out, put something on Kirk's back so he could keep an eye on him and find out where he was going. When Kirk and McCoy arrived at the Klingon ship, they found that the Klingons were not so happy to see them. In fact, they put them on trial for murdering the ambassador. Kirk's lawyer was Worf, the great great grandfather of the Worf we know in the Next Generation. They lose the trial and get sent to Rurepenthe, a prison on an icy asteroid. Kirk gets beaten up by a big alien dude, and gets a new girlfriend (Martia), who is a shapeshifter. That always means trouble. She leads him out of the prison. She says she's trying to help him escape, but it turns out it's all a big plot to kill Kirk. Kirk fights with Martia, who turns into another Kirk, thus confusing the bad guy, who shoots Martia. Everything works out in the end. I remember this movie more than the others, and that's why it's so long. The end.

Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones:  You know, I really am very disappointed in this movie but I'm going to first tell you about the good parts. The plot is great, as are the special effects, espeically Ben Burtt's sound effects. But the acting and dialogue are some of the worst in the history of mankind. Hayden Christensen, the person who plays Anakin, needs serious acting lessons, and so does Natalie Portman, the actress who plays Padme. They lacked charisma and character, and Padme sounded like a bimbo rather than the tough babe she was supposed to be. The only three decent acters were Frank oz (Yoda), Samuel L. Jackson (Mace Windu), and Christopher Lee (Count Dooku).

Stormy Weather:  Stormy Weather is an old jazz movie, with the very famous old jazz singers, Cab Calloway, Fats Waller, Lena Horne, Bill Bojangles Robinson and Ada Brown. I like this movie because it's fun and beautiful and cool. Cab was dressed in funny clothing, with a very big hat! Bojangles Robinson is a very excellent tap dancer. Fats Waller is very, very, very, very, very, very, very good.

Thirteen Ghosts:  This movie is so bad that I cant even describe its badness. It's gory, stupid, boring and cheesy. What more is there to say?

The Tingler:  Vincent Price is one of the best actors in the history of the universe! He played the main character in a monster movie called The Tingler about a monster that comes out of people's spines when they're scared. How he gets the tingler: a deaf mute dies, and he takes the tingler out to see how the body moved, because the tingler made the body move. The tingler is supposed to be one of the smallest but strongest monsters in videos. The movie had special effects, making the tingler move by pulling it with a string. They had one colored scene, but the rest of the movie was black and white.

The X-Files: Fighting the Future:  Who thinks this movie makes sense? Not me!  One of the lines was, "He found one of the bodies that was destroyed in the explosion." How could a person find something that was destroyed? And it didn't make any sense that they had to blow the bodies up; they could have sent them to Antarctica like all the rest. The acting was bad, and the woman, Scully, slurs her words. I give it one star because of one good joke, some okay special effects, and because it finally ended.

You'll Find Out:  This movie has a very creepy part, the seance, which had all these faces going about and noises going on, and roses floating everywhere. And there's one part I really liked where the main character, a band leader named Kay Kyser, and a he's a real character, played a song called "The Bad Humor Man," because there was a man dressed up like a little girl, and he started talking in a very deep voice, and one of the guys hit him so he could start talking right. And Peter Lorre, one of my favorite actors, played one of the villains.

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