RALPH and BEULAH'S ON-LINE CUISINE for the ADVENTUROUS

tapeworm
Skugg and Frews

 MARINATED SKUGG AND JELLIED FREWS -- OUR SPECIALTY

(Drawing by Brenna Lorenz)

tapeworm

 (Thanks to P.N. Pappas and S.M. Waldrop for the proglottids)

Ralph and Beulah's Breakfast

Chrysalis hotcakes: a constellation of plump, delicious cicada pupae marinated in soy sauce, garlic and hot pepper in a creamy universe of soft, sweet, fluffy pancakes. Your choice of syrup toppings: Celebrity omelet: delicately aged and lovingly scrambled duck eggs containing the dandruff, toenail clippings and arm hair of the Stars in a delightfully creamy cheese sauce! Your choice of celebrity: Ralph's fiber fantasy: a rich granola containing healthy chunks of tofu, eggshell, raisins, pecan shells, peanut skins and cantaloupe seeds in brown sugar, lecithin, garlic paste and honey.

Beulah's fruit fantasy: a luscious pile of peeled gingko fruit, tart green persimmons and mouth-watering watermelon chunks wrapped in liver, served up on a rhubarb leaf. Delicious with our special fruit sauce blend of mayonnaise, lime and mustard.

Spam surprise: one of our artistic favorites, a two-pound serving of Spam carved into the shape of a bust of Rush Limbaugh and toasted crispy on the outside, with raw egg yolk in the hollow center. Kids love it!

Black eyes: an oldie but goodie: two sunny-side-up eggs on an asphalt paddy. And you thought you couldn't find this anymore!

Ralph and Beulah's UnAppetizers

Bug in a rug: our own special egg roll with fresh shredded cabbage steamed with the eggs of cockroaches, praying mantids, ants, termites, lice, and horseflies. A delicious blend -- tastes like shrimp, only better!

Ralph's revenge: why should they always get to eat us? Now you can eat them: tapeworm (taenia) proglottid or ascarid sashimi served with lemon, soy sauce and wasabe.

Beulah's desert melange: salted cigarette filters, moth wings, prunes marinated in alum, Triscuits and pretzel bits. Tastes great with Tequila!

Avignon sunrise: chilled jelled mayonnaise in Perrier with French fried potato bits, topped with melted butter... hot and cold, white and gold.

Great balls of fun: cheese balls, gum balls, squid eyeballs, superballs, pearl onions, red grapes, and pig balls, all rolled in Elmer's wood glue and dusted with cayenne pepper, cinnamon and paprika, and served together in our famous edible clown bowl! Which is which? You don't know until you bite!

Summer solstice sate' : button mushrooms, plump whole katydids, fresh strawberries and dill pickle rosettes on a skewer with our famous yogurt, peanut butter and anise dip. Serving consists of two skewers.

Ralph and Beulah's Luncheon Menu

All luncheon plates come with your choice of French fried squid rings, choke salad, or deep fried banana peels.

Ham and string sandwich plate: sliced cold ham and cotton string on a sesame seed bun, garnished with lettuce, cardboard and fresh slices of ginger root.

Tape and cheese sandwich plate: duct tape, Scotch tape, electrical tape and masking tape with Velveeta on rye bread, garnished with fresh tomato slices and plastic wrap. A big hit with the guys!

Blizzard sandwich plate: mayonnaise, tarter sauce, whipped cream, plain yogurt, creamy Italian dressing, sour creme, creme cheese and white sugar on Wonderbread.

Here's looking at you: a delightful eyeball sandwich, with goat eyes, pig eyes, and cow eyes, topped with garlic salt, parmesan cheese, and marshmallow sauce on wheat bread.

Mickey Mouse special: smoked whole mice, dried, salted and skewered, with our own cranberry and onion dip.

Golden nuggets: the white meat from farm-raised hamsters, deep-fried in our mosquito larvae paste breading. Comes with your choice of honey-asparagus or mustard-windex dip.

Remember Pearl Harbor: scrap metal and oyster shells wrapped in sea weed and dipped in brine.

Explosive atomic chili: gunpowder, bullets, pinworms, vaseline, lima beans and fingernail clippings (chosen from our celebrity list) in red hot pepper and tomato sauce. It'll blow your socks off!

Ralph and Beulah's Dinner Menu

All dinner plates come with your choice of chocolate chip mashed potatoes, deep fried blisters, or stickleburr salad.

Marinated skuggs and jellied frews: This is the specialty of the house. See the illustration.

Marriage on a mattress: delicious chunks of fresh foam rubber in sweet and sour sauce.

Wiggle while you wok: gecko tail stir fry, cooked in apricot brandy at your table while you watch the action.

Cod aux Rotten: not really cod (that's an endangered species), but our faux cod, aged to perfection and served with melted brie and seasoned with menthol, tastes like the real thing.

Ralph and Beulah's pizza: our hand-tossed pizza with a delicious insect bread crust, tomato and vanilla sauce, and dog-milk cheese, with your choice of toppings:

Creme of classic: a dinner for you intellectuals: soft chunks of classic book covers, crispy pieces of classic vinyl recordings, and chewy seat cover flakes from classic automobiles in a rich and creamy beef gravy.

Rat fritada: spicy rat intestine in clotted black rat-blood gravy. Just like mother used to make. We promise.

Ralph and Beulah's Beverages

Suds and susu shandy: milk, Palmolive and lemon syrup in soda water

Hot lips: cherry flavored melted wax.

Catsup soda: fresh catsup in soda water.

Vampire tea: Earl Grey and used tampon, steeped in swamp water. Served with milk and lemon.

Hindmost milk: milk from the last two teats of a boonie dog

Desperation: Pernod and Orange Crush

Kiss me: Listerene slushy

Eau de Basement: warm mildew water, just like what you had as a kid.

Ralph and Beulah's Desserts

Malachi Pulte's Spaghetti hombo: spaghetti and meatballs in lime Jello.

Flora and fauna: tadpoles on peach halves.

Cow and bull: caramel-covered beef bullion cubes.

Hock-a-loogie pudding: don't ask.

Blisterpops: lymph popsicles.

Bitter brew: beer and chocolate ice cream float.
 

Milkshakes: choose from our unique flavors:

Ice Cream: choose from our unique flavors:



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