| PICARD |
No, I refuse to do the boldly go thing ever again. I won't do it. Data,
you do it. |
| DATA |
But Captain, I do not wish to do the boldly go thing. I only wish to
assist you while you do it. |
| PICARD |
Fine, then. No one will say the boldly go thing. We'll just get on
with the program without it. |
| NARRATOR |
But someone has to do it. The program cannot proceed without it. |
| PICARD |
All right, Narrator, then you do it. |
| NARRATOR |
But I can't do it. I'm not a real person. |
| PICARD |
You have a contract, don't you? You get paid, don't you? Then do it!
Make it so! |
| NARRATOR |
Very well. Space: the final frontier... |
| DATA |
But Narrator... |
| NARRATOR |
Suddenly a black hole appears out of nowhere and draws Data into its
swirling vortex. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Inc.
And now a word from our sponsor. |
| CHEESY KID |
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| CHEESY MOM |
(IN BACKGROUND) 'Bye, honey! Have a nice day! (IN FOREGROUND) There
goes my little Billy, off to spend a carefree day at school! You know,
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| SINGERS |
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| PICARD |
My god... what happened to his head?! |
| DATA |
It would appear that this male has mated with Spider Babe. |
| UHURA |
And now he's running around with his head missing? |
| RIKER |
I guess this is what Geordi was telling me about. |
| PICARD |
Well, someone tell her to... to lock it up somewhere! We can't have
headless Termitièrians running around on the bridge! It's very disruptive! |
| RIKER |
Why don't we just stick it in the brig and give Puffie some company?
At least then he'll have someone to talk to who won't mind his chatter. |
| PICARD |
Whatever it takes... |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Worf and Dr. Crusher encounter Geordi in one of the corridors
of the Enterprise. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What's up, Geordi? |
| GEORDI |
I've just been watching these Termitièrian guys. They've been
releasing little animals in the hall, chasing them down, and eating them.
It's disgusting! |
| SPIDER BABE |
Be quiet, you idiots! (TO HUMANS) Now, what's going on here, ladies? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh... nothing, Spider Babe. We were just visiting. We'll be on our
way now... |
| NARRATOR |
The Enterprise crew hurries away from the Termitièrian quarters. |
| GEORDI |
Oh, man, that was close. I've been hoping to avoid Spider Babe for
the duration of this voyage. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I can imagine. |
| WORF |
Why does she refer to all of us as ladies? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
It's an honorific. Don't argue. It's better to let it pass. |
| GEORDI |
You know, it seems to me that there aren't as many of those little
Termitièrian guys as there were at first. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Now that's something I don't even want to think about. |
| NARRATOR |
Later, Spider Babe joins the other women in Ten Forward. |
| SPIDER BABE |
That beverage you are consuming looks good. What is it? |
| UHURA |
It's an old Earth drink. It's a bloody Mary. |
| SPIDER BABE |
That sounds good. I want one, also. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
The drink contains ethanol. Can your people metabolize that, Spider
Babe? |
| SPIDER BABE |
Oh, yes. We like ethanol a lot. But we don't let males have any. It
makes them act crazy. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Now, that's a scary thought. |
| GUINAN |
Here you go, Ambassador. |
| SPIDER BABE |
This doesn't taste at all like blood. |
| GUINAN |
Well, it doesn't actually contain blood. Just tomato juice. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Vegetable matter???? Phaw! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Spider Babe... one of your entourage showed up on the bridge today,
missing his head. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Oh, yes! That would have been Runs Like Heck. I mated with him this
morning. He actually succeeded in fertilizing some of my eggs. See? |
| UHURA |
You're bleeding, sugar! |
| SPIDER BABE |
The wound is trivial... but for a male to succeed in piercing the tough
and scarred exoskeleton of an old veteran like myself is rather unusual.
He was a good male. He will give me several fine daughters. |
| GUINAN |
Here's another drink you might like to try, Ambassador. It's called
a bullshot: ethanol mixed with beef bullion. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Thank you. You are most kind. |
| GUINAN |
And here are some snacks, if you're hungry. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Thank you again, but I am quite sated. Since it is unlucky to travel
with a factorable number of males, I had to eat Penis Like Lightning, Catch
Them Quick and Makes Many Daughters. Ha! He didn't even make any sons!
(CHUCKLES) |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message. |
| SPOCK |
Hello. I am Ambassador Spock, and I am here to talk to you about a
major crisis facing our people today. Did you know that almost 9000 Vulcans
are stranded in California on Earth, the least logical place in the Galaxy?
Every year, approximately 250 Vulcans become illogical as a result of being
stranded in California. |
| BIMBO |
Gosh, what cute ears! Are you, like, a Vulcan? |
| VULCAN 1 |
Help... |
| SPOCK |
You can help. By contributing only a small number of galactic credits,
you can help a Vulcan recover from the effects of being trapped in California.
Only 500 galactic credits can pay for passage out of California for a stranded
Vulcan, or a year's worth of treatment for a Vulcan who has been stranded
for too long. Don't let this tragic loss happen to one more innocent Vulcan: |
| VULCAN 2 |
Logic isn't important... Truth can be found in what each of us believes
in our hearts. |
| VULCAN 3 |
Sorecock... no! |
| SPOCK |
Not one more victim. Stop the suffering. Stop the madness. Stop the
illogic. |
| BIMBO |
Gosh, like, are you on a vision quest, too? |
| SPOCK |
Contribute to the foundation for Vulcans in California. Call 1-800-34-LOGIC.
That's 1-800-34-L-O-G-I-C. |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
This ad brought to you by the F. V. I. C. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Wesley, Picard, Geordi and Don Redman
are in the laboratory watching as Data puts the finishing touches on Lal. |
| DATA |
It will only take a few more minutes now. |
| PICARD |
That's good, Data. |
| DON REDMAN |
Say, Captain, I've been meaning to talk to you about those bug people.
The other day my band and I were swinging out in Ten Forward when a bunch
of them came in and started sliding us some off-time jive. The cats in
the band copped a final on me and they were in a really evil mood all day.
I just about had them satisfied when I gave them all a bunch of hundred
dollar bills from that replicator thing, but then Quentin Jackson tripped
over one of their legs lying out in the hall and he hasn't come out of
his room since! |
| WESLEY |
Yeah, they lose their legs when they chase those little animals down
the hall and crash into the walls. I saw it happen to one of them and he
didn't even, like, notice! He just left it there, twitching. It was, like,
totally gross. |
| PICARD |
Well, at least you didn't have to see the headless male running up
on the bridge. It's no wonder they're all so neurotic. |
| GEORDI |
(MISERABLY) You don't know the half of it. |
| DATA |
I wish that there was some way I could help you out of your dilemma,
Geordi. There, I am almost finished. Just one more connection... |
| DON REDMAN |
I'd just like to know how much longer we're going to have those bug
guys on the ship. |
| PICARD |
Not much longer, Don. It should only be a day or two before we arrive
at the Federation headquarters. |
| LAL |
Welcome to Macintosh. |
| DATA |
Lal! Welcome back! |
| LAL |
Father... what happened? I thought I had malfunctioned... |
| DATA |
Yes, Lal. But I was able to recreate you and fix the error in your
construction which had caused the malfunction before. I have also installed
in you a simple emotion program which is somewhat limited now, but will
develop with time. You also will find a file stored in your hard drive
which will allow you to catch up on what has happened since your deactivation. |
| LAL |
(AFTER A VERY SHORT PAUSE) Fascinating. I would like very much to see
a Termitièrian. |
| DATA |
I am sure that you will have an opportunity soon. |
| NARRATOR |
A short time later, Geordi encounters Spider Babe in the halls. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Greetings, Geordi. Are you ready to receive the gift of my eggs? |
| GEORDI |
Um, Honorable Madam Ambassador Spider Babe, I feel really honored by
your offer, but, um, there's a bit of a problem... I really can't accept
your eggs. It wouldn't be right. |
| SPIDER BABE |
What do you mean by this impudence? |
| GEORDI |
I am not intending to be impudent, Madam Ambassador. It's just
that, among my people, once we've chosen a mate, we can't mate with another... |
| SPIDER BABE |
Well, that is obvious. It is equally obvious that you have not mated.
You still have your head. |
| GEORDI |
Ambassador Spider Babe, among humans, mating is not fatal for males.
A man and a woman get married and stay together for a long time, sometimes
their whole lives. A married man cannot mate with another female without
disgracing himself and his wife and the other female... |
| SPIDER BABE |
But this makes no sense. If your males don't die when they mate, your
people must be simply overrun with males. |
| GEORDI |
Well, no... We don't start out with an excess of males the way you
do. Our offspring are about half male and half female. |
| SPIDER BABE |
How confusing. But what you are saying, if I understand you, is that
you cannot receive my eggs because you have already received the eggs of
another female. You are, how did you put it, "roped"? "Tied"? There's no
telling what our translators are doing to these words... |
| GEORDI |
Married. Um, I am not technically married quite yet, but I am engaged...
um, promised, to a lady, and that's as good as the same thing. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Geordi, I have no desire to offend the customs of your people. If you
have already pledged to receive the eggs of one of your own ladies, I understand
why you cannot receive mine. Your lady is fortunate to have such a fine
male as yourself. I am confident that you will give her many fine daughters.
I would very much like to meet her. |
| GEORDI |
Meet her? |
| SPIDER BABE |
Yes, I would like to meet her. |
| GEORDI |
Oh... well, yes, okay, Ambassador Spider Babe. I'll... um, tell her. |
| NARRATOR |
Spider Babe strides off, leaving Geordi alone in the corridor. |
| GEORDI |
(TO HIMSELF) Now what do I do? I lied to Ambassador Spider Babe. Where
am I going to find a girl who will want to be engaged to me? Or even say
she's engaged to me? (SIGHS) |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later, Picard, Geordi, Data, Wesley, Riker, and Worf are
on the bridge when two male Termitièrians enter. |
| TERMITIÈRIAN 1 |
You, meat monkeys! |
| PICARD |
(UNCOMFORTABLY) Yes... What is it? |
| TERMITIÈRIAN 2 |
We have picnic. Spider Babe say, invite meat monkey. You come, we feed. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(AFTER A LONG SILENCE) Uh... okay, just give us a few minutes. |
| PICARD |
Beverly... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(QUIETLY) It would be impolite to refuse. Let's just go and try to
be courteous. |
| PICARD |
Very well. Mr. LaForge, put the ship on automatic control. |
| GEORDI |
(UNHAPPILY) Yes, sir. |
| PICARD |
All right, let's go. |
| DATA |
First, allow me to get Lal. This will be an interesting experience
for her. |
| NARRATOR |
Data goes to fetch Lal and is joined also by Song, and the three androids
meet with the other crew members in the Termitièrian's quarters. |
| PICARD |
What have they done with all the chairs? |
| DATA |
You must remember, sir, that the Termitièrians are not constructed
like ourselves. "Sit" is probably not a concept that they are even familiar
with. Therefore, it is likely that they perceived the chairs as being in
the way. |
| GEORDI |
I guess we sit on the floor, then. |
| NARRATOR |
The crew members sit down in a circle on the floor, and soon the Termitièrians
present them with a large bowl of pale meat. |
| TERMITIÈRIAN |
Here. You eat. |
| RIKER |
Uh... |
| PICARD |
Well? Delaying isn't going to do us any good. Dig in. (AFTER A PAUSE)
Mmm... this is actually quite good! |
| GEORDI |
Yeah... you're right. It tastes just like the crab meat I had one time
on Earth. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Thank you, gentlemen! This is excellent. |
| DATA |
Yes, it tastes very much like cockroach meat. |
| WESLEY |
Like, we really wanted to know that, Data. |
| DATA |
I am glad that you found the information useful. |
| PICARD |
This really is superb... what kind of meat is it? |
| TERMITIÈRIAN |
Is Still Has Head's leg. |
| STILL HAS HEAD |
Yeah. My leg fall off. |
| SONG |
Hey! |
| LAL |
(ALARMED) He is biting my uncle! |
DEATH TO MEAT
MONKEYS |
Aiee! My mandibles! Pain! Pain! |
| DATA |
If you are attempting to consume my brother, you will find that your
efforts are wasted. We are not edible. |
DEATH TO MEAT
MONKEYS |
(ANGUISHED) Grub men not tasty... grub men have exoskeleton! |
| RIKER |
Grub men?! |
| SONG |
Naturally, they tried to eat me. I had to be the tasty
looking one. And now I'm the one who smells like carrion. |
| PICARD |
(ANGRILY) Well, it looks like we're going to have to have a word with
Spider Babe about her subordinate's attempt to consume a member of the
crew. |
DEATH TO MEAT
MONKEYS |
Aiyee! No! No tell Spider Babe! She kill poor me! Not even mate first! |
| STILL HAS HEAD |
No, no, no! You meat monkeys, you our brothers now, you eat my leg! |
| SONG |
Brotherhood didn't stop you from trying to eat me! Naturally. |
DEATH TO MEAT
MONKEYS |
Me never eat your leg. We not your brothers. Just you
our
brothers. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Of course. That makes perfect sense. |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later, we find Geordi sitting by himself at a table in
Ten Forward. |
| GEORDI |
(MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) I can't ask Deanna. It's obvious that Lackadick
isn't my baby. Spider Babe wouldn't believe me and my whole story would
fall apart. Same with Dr. Crusher -- no way Wesley's my son. There's Guinan,
but she's absolutely not my type, and I know I'm not hers. And Uhura --
knowing her, she'd just laugh at me and call me "kid," like she did before.
And as for Sock, I can't imagine a Vulcan female telling a lie for a human
guy she barely knows... |
| LAL |
Geordi. Would you care for a beverage? |
| GEORDI |
Oh, hello, Lal. Are you back to work at Ten Forward? |
| LAL |
Yes, Geordi. It is a useful milieu in which for me to study human behavior
in order to emulate it more accurately. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, I suppose so. |
| LAL |
Do you suppose it is a useful milieu or do you suppose you care for
a beverage? |
| GEORDI |
Huh? Both, I guess. |
| NARRATOR |
Lal goes to the bar and returns with a drink for Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Thanks, Lal, but I didn't tell you what I wanted. You're supposed to
ask. |
| LAL |
I am sorry, Geordi. I merely assumed that you would want another of
what you had last time I served you. Is that incorrect? |
| GEORDI |
(SIGHING) It doesn't matter. |
| LAL |
(SIGHING) What is the meaning of that sound? My Uncle Song makes that
sound frequently, also. |
| GEORDI |
Well, it means that I'm worried sick. |
| LAL |
If you are sick, you should see the doctor. |
| GEORDI |
It's not that kind of sick. I'm just really worried, that's all. |
| LAL |
Worry. A feeling of anxious anticipation of an unpleasant event. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah. |
| LAL |
What unpleasant event to you anticipate? |
| GEORDI |
I anticipate being eaten by Spider Babe when she finds out I
lied to her about being engaged. |
| LAL |
I do not understand. |
| GEORDI |
(ANGRILY) Look, Lal, I don't feel like... (SIGHING) Oh, what the hell.
It's like this. Spider Babe wanted to lay eggs in me.It would kill me if
she did that. I don't want to die. So I told her that humans can't accept
someone's eggs if they're married or engaged to be married. I told her
that I was engaged to be married. But I'm not. I lied to Spider Babe. I
don't even have a girlfriend. And Spider Babe wants to meet her. |
| LAL |
Meet who? |
| GEORDI |
My girlfriend! |
| LAL |
But you said you don't have a girlfriend. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah. That's a bit of a problem, isn't it. |
| LAL |
And if Spider Babe discovers this, she will be angry. |
| GEORDI |
Yes, and she'll eat me. |
| LAL |
Then you need a girlfriend. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, right. But who? |
| LAL |
I will be your girlfriend, Geordi. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message
from Fletcher Paste Concentrates, Inc. |
| CHEESY KID |
Mommy, I want some ice cream! |
| CHEESY MOM |
Ice cream! Don't be silly, Jimmy! (IN ECHO VOICE) I would love to give
my family ice cream. But it's so expensive! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Not anymore! With new Fletcher Paste Ice Cream Concentrate, every family
can afford the luxury of delicious, healthy ice cream equivalent! |
| CHEESY MOM |
Fletcher Paste Ice Cream Concentrate! That's something new! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right! Our new Ice Cream Concentrate comes in three popular
flavors: Greener Wiener, Tartar Control Crest, and Fried Chicken. And it's
so easy to prepare: just mix and freeze! |
| CHEESY MOM |
Have some ice cream, Jimmy! |
| CHEESY KID |
Oh, boy! Fletcher Paste Ice Cream Concentrate! You're the greatest,
Mom! |
| SINGERS |
Fletcher Paste Concentrates -- taste great! |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program, where we find Picard, Riker, Data, Dr.
Crusher, Wesley, Don Redman and Worf standing in the hall discussing the
Termitièrians. |
| RIKER |
You know, I've never liked sharing a picnic with bugs. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's not an appropriate way to talk about our guests, Will. They're
not bugs. They're sentient beings. |
| WESLEY |
Yeah, like, right, Mom! You really think those males are, like, actually
sentient? |
| PICARD |
I believe they are sentient, but just barely. They're like the members
of the Board of Regents at Starfleet Academy. |
| RIKER |
Hey, Captain, I haven't yet met a Termitièrian as bad as a Regent! |
| WESLEY |
Well, whatever. They're so weird! And they leave their poop all over
the corridors. Even on the ceiling. It's like, so disgusting, you know? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What bothers me the most is their smell. |
| WORF |
Hm. I rather like their smell. |
| DATA |
I agree. They smell like cockroaches. |
| WORF |
To me, it's more of a carnivore smell. Although I guess I'm smelling
their food more than I'm smelling them. |
| PICARD |
To me, the most annoying thing about them is that blasted loud squeaking
noise they make in the corridors. They do it all night! |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain. They are stridulating. |
| PICARD |
Stridulating??? Is that dangerous? |
| DATA |
No, Captain. They are producing sound by rubbing their hindmost legs
against a special rasping organ on the sides of their abdomens. They like
the acoustics of the corridors. They say it reminds them of their tunnels
back home. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, at least there don't seem to be as many as them as there were. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's true. Spider Babe has eaten quite a few of them. |
| WESLEY |
That's, like, gross! Like, just how much longer 'til we get to Federation
Headquarters? |
| DATA |
We will reach our destination tomorrow, Wesley. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Thank God! |
| PICARD |
What the hell? (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Engineering! Report! |
| SCOTTY |
I don't know, sir! We were a-goin' along at maximum warp, when
all of a sudden we come out o' warp and the whole bloody thing shuts down!
We're running on emergency power, sir! |
| PICARD |
Data, find Geordi and report to engineering immediately. Oh, and get
Puffie out of the brig and have him assist you. |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain. I will have Lal assist, also. |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later... |
| GEORDI |
Captain, our warp drive has suffered major damage. We're drifting slowly
toward Alpha Chlamydia, the red giant of the Chlamydia double star system. |
| PICARD |
How soon before the problem can be repaired? |
| GEORDI |
We're all working on it now, sir, but we're still assessing the damage
and we're not sure we'll even be able to repair it. We may need to call
for outside assistance. |
| PICARD |
Our external communications systems are also down. |
| GEORDI |
Damn! That must have happened during that massive initial power surge. |
| NARRATOR |
Several weeks later, the Enterprise's exhausted crew discusses their
situation in the officer's mess. |
| DATA |
We are drifting dangerously close to this system's sun. I greatly fear
that we may have to abandon the Enterprise and attempt to reach the nearest
planet in our shuttle crafts. |
| PICARD |
And then what? None of the planets in this system can support life. |
| DATA |
It would only be a last resort, sir. We are still hoping to be able
to patch something together. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'm afraid that if we don't get out of here really, really soon, either
we're going to murder the Termitièrians or they're going to murder
us. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, especially since they've run out of meat, and they don't like
the stuff that comes out of the synthesizers. |
| RIKER |
They could just eat their own legs. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's not funny, Will. |
| WORF |
How many of them are left? |
| DATA |
Well, there is Spider Babe, of course, five adult males, about fifteen
maggots, and ten pupae. |
| PICARD |
Pupae? What is that? |
| DATA |
Their teenagers, sir. They mature very rapidly. |
| WESLEY |
Like, teenagers? Where? |
| DATA |
Their pupae are cocoons not unlike those of Terrestrial moths. |
| RIKER |
You mean those big, brown, dirty-looking hairy things stuck to the
walls in the corridors? |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. |
| RIKER |
Hmmm. I was planning to scrape those off when I had the time to do
some cleaning... Now I'm glad I was too busy. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. Destroying the ambassador's children would have been a terrible
mistake. |
| PUFFIE |
Yeah. Those li'l bug children are so cute! |
| RIKER |
Oh, you think so, do you, Puffie? |
| PUFFIE |
Yeah. I watched them be borned out of their funny mommy in the briggy-wiggy.
Then they ate their mommy and I was kinda sad, 'cause she was nice, even
though she couldn't say anything 'cause she had lost her li'l ol' head. |
| RIKER |
That wasn't their mommy, Puffie. That was their daddy. |
| PUFFIE |
Oooh! I didnent know daddies could have babies! |
| SCOTTY |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Captain, sir! We're gettin' all these little hull
breaches all over the ship! I've never seen the like! |
| NARRATOR |
Picard and the others hurry to the bridge. |
| PICARD |
Show me the ship's exterior. On screen! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What are those things? They look like leeches! |
| PICARD |
Oh, no! Skuggs! We've run into a skugg swarm! |
| RIKER |
What are skuggs? |
| DATA |
They are organisms that drift through open space, metabolizing any
matter in their path, including rocks and metal. Ordinarily they do not
pose a threat to space craft because they can be destroyed by going into
hyperspace, but they are dangerous to stranded vessels such as our own.
I fear we are doomed, sir. |
| PICARD |
Get me the Termitièrians. |
| DATA |
Which ones, sir? |
| PICARD |
Spider Babe and the adult males. Make it so! |
| NARRATOR |
Data fetches the Termitièrians to the bridge. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Have you finally repaired this vessel, Captain? We are most anxious
to get to Federation Headquarters. |
| PICARD |
As are we, Madam. However, I have asked you here for another reason.
Do you see those creatures on our hull? They are eating our ship. Don't
they look delicious? |
| STILL HAS HEAD |
Grubs! Look tasty! |
| PICARD |
Yes, we thought you might find them interesting. We just have to figure
out a way to protect you outside on the ship's surface. There's no air
out there, and we don't have any space suits that would fit a Termitièrian. |
| STILL HAS HEAD |
No need meat monkey suit! |
| NARRATOR |
Before anyone can stop them, the Termitièrian males dash out
the nearest airlock. |
| PICARD |
Amazing! They don't seem to be affected in the least by the conditions
out there. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Not so amazing. On Termitière, our males are avid fishermen
who spend hours underwater catching and eating fish. We can close off our
spiracles when we go underwater. We just do the same thing whenever we
go swimming in the ether outside your space ship. |
| PICARD |
Whenever you go swimming... You mean you and your males have gone outside
the Enterprise before??? |
| SPIDER BABE |
Frequently. |
| WORF |
Look at them! They're like vacuum cleaners! I wouldn't have thought
that only five Termitièrians could eat that many skuggs. |
| SPIDER BABE |
They are very hungry. Your human food is not good. |
| NARRATOR |
Half an hour later, the Termitièrian males return. |
| STILL HAS HEAD |
Grubs all gone. |
DEATH TO MEAT
MONKEYS |
Captain wrong. Grubs not tasty. We eat anyway. |
| DATA |
The Termitièrians have saved us all, Captain. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, will return after this message
from our sponsor. |
| CHEESY KID |
(SCREAMING) No! No! I don't WANNA take a bath! |
| CHEESY MOM |
Kids hate baths. But we have to get them clean! What's a mother to
do? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Try new Redox Aridsol Dry-Cleaning System for Kids! Aridsol cleans
your child's skin and hair without using any water! Not one drop! |
| CHEESY MOM |
Really! No water? But how does it work? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
It's easy, Mom! First you coat the child's body with our special patented
Aridsol Dry-Cleaning solution. This solution cleans and refreshes your
child's sensitive skin, and uses the skin's natural oils in the cleansing
process. |
| CHEESY MOM |
But how do you get it off? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Easy! You open the Aridsol Magic Powder packet, sprinkle it on the
child, and simply wipe it all away with a dry cloth. Nothing could be simpler! |
| CHEESY MOM |
It sounds great -- but my little Tommy is so fussy... I don't know
if he'll like it! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Kids love the fresh scent and bright colors of Aridsol Magic Powder.
They'll want to bathe every day! |
| CHEESY KID |
Redox Aridsol Dry-Cleaning System! Wow! Thanks, Mom! |
| SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. The Termitièrians have destroyed
the skuggs and saved the Enterprise, and the members of the crew along
with Don Redman, Lal, Song and Puffie are all in the captain's conference
room trying to figure out a way to divert the ship from its collision course
with the star Alpha Chlamydia. |
| PICARD |
I have called you all together to let you know that we are now facing
a life or death situation. We are not making much progress repairing the
ship, and we have been unable to get communications working again. But
engineering will continue to work on fixing the warp drive up to the very
end. Let's not give up hope... we have to pool our resources and... |
| DON REDMAN |
Puffie's got a radio of some kind, doesn't he? Can't you just tell
him to send out a message? |
| PICARD |
Puffie's beacon! Why didn't we think of this before? Puffie, can you
do it? |
| PUFFIE |
Do wha'? |
| PICARD |
Send Starfleet a signal with your beacon! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw... I don't weally know how, unless I'm in twouble. |
| PICARD |
You are in trouble, Puffie... you're about to crash into a red giant
star! |
| PUFFIE |
Oooh, okey-dokey. I think it just turned on. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
We need it to send out a message stating our situation and our coordinates,
Puffie. Will you let me and Data program it to do that? |
| PUFFIE |
Okay. Then I want you to hold my hand, 'cauth I'm scared. |
| NARRATOR |
Data and Dr. Crusher alter the programming on the beacon, and soon
a ship from Starfleet is on its way. Afterwards, Geordi talks to Lal in
his quarters. |
| GEORDI |
Lal, I never properly thanked you for what you did for me. You saved
my life! Well, I guess it's safe now, so you can stop pretending to be
my girlfriend. |
| LAL |
But, Geordi... I was not pretending. |
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