Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 10: Long Appetites and Short Tempers
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Data recreates Lal and we get better acquainted with the highly carnivorous Termitièrians.
Drawing of Geordi and Lal talking to Spider Babe.
Lal and Geordi chat with Spider Babe. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD No, I refuse to do the boldly go thing ever again. I won't do it. Data, you do it.
DATA But Captain, I do not wish to do the boldly go thing. I only wish to assist you while you do it.
PICARD Fine, then. No one will say the boldly go thing. We'll just get on with the program without it.
NARRATOR But someone has to do it. The program cannot proceed without it.
PICARD All right, Narrator, then you do it.
NARRATOR But I can't do it. I'm not a real person.
PICARD You have a contract, don't you? You get paid, don't you? Then do it! Make it so!
NARRATOR Very well. Space: the final frontier...
DATA But Narrator...
NARRATOR Suddenly a black hole appears out of nowhere and draws Data into its swirling vortex.
SFX: SLUP!
 
DATA Yaaaaaah!
PICARD Data! Narrator, bring him back this instant! I command you!
NARRATOR Then Captain Picard gets caught up in the black hole!
SFX: SLUP!
 
PICARD Niiiiyeeee!
NARRATOR That's better. Now, where was I? Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Suddenly the black hole vanishes, and Picard and Data are miraculously restored, frightened but unscathed.
PICARD What did you do???
NARRATOR Never, never mess with a Narrator. Let that be a lesson to you. What a Narrator says, goes.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Inc. And now a word from our sponsor. 
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's log: We have just returned from picking up the Termitièrian ambassador, Spider Babe, and are en route to Federation headquarters to deliver her and her entourage. Meanwhile, Data has begun reconstructing his daughter, Lal, with permission from Starfleet to create her and raise her on board the Enterprise until such time that Data believes she is ready to go to Starfleet Academy. Deanna has given birth to a healthy Vulcan boy. 
NARRATOR Captain Picard, Lt. Commander Data, Uhura, and Commander Riker are on the bridge when they are visited by a member of Spider Babe's entourage... 
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
SFX: STAGGERING, SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS AND THUMPING
 
PICARD My god... what happened to his head?! 
DATA It would appear that this male has mated with Spider Babe. 
UHURA And now he's running around with his head missing? 
RIKER I guess this is what Geordi was telling me about. 
PICARD Well, someone tell her to... to lock it up somewhere! We can't have headless Termitièrians running around on the bridge! It's very disruptive! 
RIKER Why don't we just stick it in the brig and give Puffie some company? At least then he'll have someone to talk to who won't mind his chatter. 
PICARD Whatever it takes... 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Worf and Dr. Crusher encounter Geordi in one of the corridors of the Enterprise.
DR. CRUSHER What's up, Geordi? 
GEORDI I've just been watching these Termitièrian guys. They've been releasing little animals in the hall, chasing them down, and eating them. It's disgusting! 
SFX: SCRABBLING AND SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: ANIMAL SQUEALING
SFX: CRUNCHING, SLURPING AND GULPING
 
DR. CRUSHER (SOUNDING ILL) Oh! 
WORF Hmm... brings back old memories! Say... what is that wonderful smell? (SNIFFING)
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 
DR. CRUSHER Worf...
GEORDI Hey, where are you going? Wait up! 
NARRATOR Dr. Crusher and Geordi follow Worf to the Termitièrian entourage's quarters.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE, FRANTIC SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
 
TERMITIÈRIANS Ahh! Oh my god!  Niyeeeee! ... oh... not her... just meat monkeys.
WORF They've got raw meat... and it's rotten! 
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 This our meat! You can't have our meat!
WORF Please, brothers! It would be a great gesture of friendship from your people to mine... 
TERMITIÈRIAN 2 We don't give meat to meat monkeys... we take meat from meat monkeys! Ha ha ha! 
DR. CRUSHER I think this would be a good time to leave.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 Aaaah! Is her!!
TERMITIÈRIANS (SCREAMING AND FEARFUL EXCLAMATIONS)
SFX: MULTIPLE, FRANTIC SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
 
SPIDER BABE Be quiet, you idiots! (TO HUMANS) Now, what's going on here, ladies?
DR. CRUSHER Oh... nothing, Spider Babe. We were just visiting. We'll be on our way now...
NARRATOR The Enterprise crew hurries away from the Termitièrian quarters. 
GEORDI Oh, man, that was close. I've been hoping to avoid Spider Babe for the duration of this voyage. 
DR. CRUSHER I can imagine.
WORF Why does she refer to all of us as ladies?
DR. CRUSHER It's an honorific. Don't argue. It's better to let it pass.
GEORDI You know, it seems to me that there aren't as many of those little Termitièrian guys as there were at first.
DR. CRUSHER Now that's something I don't even want to think about.
NARRATOR Later, Spider Babe joins the other women in Ten Forward.
SPIDER BABE That beverage you are consuming looks good. What is it?
UHURA It's an old Earth drink. It's a bloody Mary. 
SPIDER BABE That sounds good. I want one, also.
DR. CRUSHER The drink contains ethanol. Can your people metabolize that, Spider Babe?
SPIDER BABE Oh, yes. We like ethanol a lot. But we don't let males have any. It makes them act crazy.
DR. CRUSHER Now, that's a scary thought.
GUINAN Here you go, Ambassador.
SFX: SLURPING AND CLICKING
 
SPIDER BABE This doesn't taste at all like blood.
GUINAN Well, it doesn't actually contain blood. Just tomato juice.
SPIDER BABE Vegetable matter???? Phaw! 
DR. CRUSHER Spider Babe... one of your entourage showed up on the bridge today, missing his head.
SPIDER BABE Oh, yes! That would have been Runs Like Heck. I mated with him this morning. He actually succeeded in fertilizing some of my eggs. See?
UHURA You're bleeding, sugar! 
SPIDER BABE The wound is trivial... but for a male to succeed in piercing the tough and scarred exoskeleton of an old veteran like myself is rather unusual. He was a good male. He will give me several fine daughters. 
GUINAN Here's another drink you might like to try, Ambassador. It's called a bullshot: ethanol mixed with beef bullion.
SPIDER BABE Thank you. You are most kind.
GUINAN And here are some snacks, if you're hungry.
SPIDER BABE Thank you again, but I am quite sated. Since it is unlucky to travel with a factorable number of males, I had to eat Penis Like Lightning, Catch Them Quick and Makes Many Daughters. Ha! He didn't even make any sons! (CHUCKLES) 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message.
SPOCK Hello. I am Ambassador Spock, and I am here to talk to you about a major crisis facing our people today. Did you know that almost 9000 Vulcans are stranded in California on Earth, the least logical place in the Galaxy? Every year, approximately 250 Vulcans become illogical as a result of being stranded in California.
BIMBO Gosh, what cute ears! Are you, like, a Vulcan?
VULCAN 1 Help...
SPOCK You can help. By contributing only a small number of galactic credits, you can help a Vulcan recover from the effects of being trapped in California. Only 500 galactic credits can pay for passage out of California for a stranded Vulcan, or a year's worth of treatment for a Vulcan who has been stranded for too long. Don't let this tragic loss happen to one more innocent Vulcan:
VULCAN 2 Logic isn't important... Truth can be found in what each of us believes in our hearts.
VULCAN 3 Sorecock... no! 
SPOCK Not one more victim. Stop the suffering. Stop the madness. Stop the illogic.
BIMBO Gosh, like, are you on a vision quest, too? 
SPOCK Contribute to the foundation for Vulcans in California. Call 1-800-34-LOGIC. That's 1-800-34-L-O-G-I-C.
CHEESY AD GUY This ad brought to you by the F. V. I. C.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Wesley, Picard, Geordi and Don Redman are in the laboratory watching as Data puts the finishing touches on Lal.
DATA It will only take a few more minutes now. 
PICARD That's good, Data.
DON REDMAN Say, Captain, I've been meaning to talk to you about those bug people. The other day my band and I were swinging out in Ten Forward when a bunch of them came in and started sliding us some off-time jive. The cats in the band copped a final on me and they were in a really evil mood all day. I just about had them satisfied when I gave them all a bunch of hundred dollar bills from that replicator thing, but then Quentin Jackson tripped over one of their legs lying out in the hall and he hasn't come out of his room since! 
WESLEY Yeah, they lose their legs when they chase those little animals down the hall and crash into the walls. I saw it happen to one of them and he didn't even, like, notice! He just left it there, twitching. It was, like, totally gross.
PICARD Well, at least you didn't have to see the headless male running up on the bridge. It's no wonder they're all so neurotic.
GEORDI (MISERABLY) You don't know the half of it.
DATA I wish that there was some way I could help you out of your dilemma, Geordi. There, I am almost finished. Just one more connection...
DON REDMAN I'd just like to know how much longer we're going to have those bug guys on the ship.
PICARD Not much longer, Don. It should only be a day or two before we arrive at the Federation headquarters.
SFX: CLICK
 
DATA There... now I only need to activate her. If you do not mind, I wish to be alone with Lal for a moment.
GEORDI Sure, Data. Let's go, guys.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
NARRATOR Data activates Lal.
SFX: CLICK!
SFX: MACINTOSH STARTUP CHIME
 
LAL Welcome to Macintosh.
DATA Lal! Welcome back! 
LAL Father... what happened? I thought I had malfunctioned...
DATA Yes, Lal. But I was able to recreate you and fix the error in your construction which had caused the malfunction before. I have also installed in you a simple emotion program which is somewhat limited now, but will develop with time. You also will find a file stored in your hard drive which will allow you to catch up on what has happened since your deactivation. 
LAL (AFTER A VERY SHORT PAUSE) Fascinating. I would like very much to see a Termitièrian. 
DATA I am sure that you will have an opportunity soon.
NARRATOR A short time later, Geordi encounters Spider Babe in the halls. 
SPIDER BABE Greetings, Geordi. Are you ready to receive the gift of my eggs?
GEORDI Um, Honorable Madam Ambassador Spider Babe, I feel really honored by your offer, but, um, there's a bit of a problem... I really can't accept your eggs. It wouldn't be right.
SPIDER BABE What do you mean by this impudence? 
GEORDI  I am not intending to be impudent, Madam Ambassador. It's just that, among my people, once we've chosen a mate, we can't mate with another... 
SPIDER BABE Well, that is obvious. It is equally obvious that you have not mated. You still have your head. 
GEORDI Ambassador Spider Babe, among humans, mating is not fatal for males. A man and a woman get married and stay together for a long time, sometimes their whole lives. A married man cannot mate with another female without disgracing himself and his wife and the other female...
SPIDER BABE But this makes no sense. If your males don't die when they mate, your people must be simply overrun with males.
GEORDI Well, no... We don't start out with an excess of males the way you do. Our offspring are about half male and half female.
SPIDER BABE How confusing. But what you are saying, if I understand you, is that you cannot receive my eggs because you have already received the eggs of another female. You are, how did you put it, "roped"? "Tied"? There's no telling what our translators are doing to these words... 
GEORDI Married. Um, I am not technically married quite yet, but I am engaged... um, promised, to a lady, and that's as good as the same thing.
SPIDER BABE Geordi, I have no desire to offend the customs of your people. If you have already pledged to receive the eggs of one of your own ladies, I understand why you cannot receive mine. Your lady is fortunate to have such a fine male as yourself. I am confident that you will give her many fine daughters. I would very much like to meet her. 
GEORDI Meet her?
SPIDER BABE Yes, I would like to meet her.
GEORDI Oh... well, yes, okay, Ambassador Spider Babe. I'll... um, tell her.
NARRATOR Spider Babe strides off, leaving Geordi alone in the corridor.
GEORDI (TO HIMSELF) Now what do I do? I lied to Ambassador Spider Babe. Where am I going to find a girl who will want to be engaged to me? Or even say she's engaged to me? (SIGHS)
NARRATOR A few hours later, Picard, Geordi, Data, Wesley, Riker, and Worf are on the bridge when two male Termitièrians enter.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 You, meat monkeys!
PICARD (UNCOMFORTABLY) Yes... What is it?
TERMITIÈRIAN 2 We have picnic. Spider Babe say, invite meat monkey. You come, we feed.
DR. CRUSHER (AFTER A LONG SILENCE) Uh... okay, just give us a few minutes.
PICARD Beverly...
DR. CRUSHER (QUIETLY) It would be impolite to refuse. Let's just go and try to be courteous.
PICARD Very well. Mr. LaForge, put the ship on automatic control.
GEORDI (UNHAPPILY) Yes, sir.
PICARD All right, let's go.
DATA First, allow me to get Lal. This will be an interesting experience for her.
NARRATOR Data goes to fetch Lal and is joined also by Song, and the three androids meet with the other crew members in the Termitièrian's quarters.
PICARD What have they done with all the chairs?
DATA You must remember, sir, that the Termitièrians are not constructed like ourselves. "Sit" is probably not a concept that they are even familiar with. Therefore, it is likely that they perceived the chairs as being in the way.
GEORDI I guess we sit on the floor, then.
NARRATOR The crew members sit down in a circle on the floor, and soon the Termitièrians present them with a large bowl of pale meat.
TERMITIÈRIAN Here. You eat.
RIKER Uh... 
PICARD Well? Delaying isn't going to do us any good. Dig in. (AFTER A PAUSE) Mmm... this is actually quite good! 
GEORDI Yeah... you're right. It tastes just like the crab meat I had one time on Earth.
DR. CRUSHER Thank you, gentlemen! This is excellent.
DATA Yes, it tastes very much like cockroach meat. 
WESLEY Like, we really wanted to know that, Data.
DATA I am glad that you found the information useful.
PICARD This really is superb... what kind of meat is it? 
TERMITIÈRIAN Is Still Has Head's leg.
STILL HAS HEAD Yeah. My leg fall off.
SFX: SOUND OF FOOD BEING FORCEFULLY SPAT OUT BY SEVERAL PEOPLE
 
PICARD Oh, my god! You mean you're feeding us part of one of you?!?
STILL HAS HEAD Why waste meat?
GEORDI (QUIETLY, SOUNDING ILL) Well, it wouldn't be polite to throw it out now that we've served ourselves. I guess we should just do our best to finish off what we took.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, one of the Termitièrians is eyeing Song and Data.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
(QUIETLY) Look, Still Has Head! Those meat monkeys not like others... they look like fresh, sweet fat grubs.
STILL HAS HEAD You're right, Death To Meat Monkeys. Grub men look tasty.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
I eat! 
SFX: FAST, SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: CRUNCH!
 
SONG Hey! 
LAL (ALARMED) He is biting my uncle! 
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
Aiee! My mandibles! Pain! Pain!
DATA If you are attempting to consume my brother, you will find that your efforts are wasted. We are not edible.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
(ANGUISHED) Grub men not tasty... grub men have exoskeleton! 
RIKER Grub men?! 
SONG Naturally, they tried to eat me. I had to be the tasty looking one. And now I'm the one who smells like carrion.
PICARD (ANGRILY) Well, it looks like we're going to have to have a word with Spider Babe about her subordinate's attempt to consume a member of the crew.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
Aiyee! No! No tell Spider Babe! She kill poor me! Not even mate first! 
STILL HAS HEAD No, no, no! You meat monkeys, you our brothers now, you eat my leg! 
SONG Brotherhood didn't stop you from trying to eat me! Naturally.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
Me never eat your leg. We not your brothers. Just you our brothers.
DR. CRUSHER Of course. That makes perfect sense.
NARRATOR A few hours later, we find Geordi sitting by himself at a table in Ten Forward.
GEORDI (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) I can't ask Deanna. It's obvious that Lackadick isn't my baby. Spider Babe wouldn't believe me and my whole story would fall apart. Same with Dr. Crusher -- no way Wesley's my son. There's Guinan, but she's absolutely not my type, and I know I'm not hers. And Uhura -- knowing her, she'd just laugh at me and call me "kid," like she did before. And as for Sock, I can't imagine a Vulcan female telling a lie for a human guy she barely knows... 
LAL Geordi. Would you care for a beverage?
GEORDI Oh, hello, Lal. Are you back to work at Ten Forward?
LAL Yes, Geordi. It is a useful milieu in which for me to study human behavior in order to emulate it more accurately.
GEORDI Yeah, I suppose so.
LAL Do you suppose it is a useful milieu or do you suppose you care for a beverage?
GEORDI Huh? Both, I guess.
NARRATOR Lal goes to the bar and returns with a drink for Geordi.
GEORDI Thanks, Lal, but I didn't tell you what I wanted. You're supposed to ask.
LAL I am sorry, Geordi. I merely assumed that you would want another of what you had last time I served you. Is that incorrect?
GEORDI (SIGHING) It doesn't matter.
LAL (SIGHING) What is the meaning of that sound? My Uncle Song makes that sound frequently, also.
GEORDI Well, it means that I'm worried sick. 
LAL If you are sick, you should see the doctor.
GEORDI It's not that kind of sick. I'm just really worried, that's all.
LAL Worry. A feeling of anxious anticipation of an unpleasant event.
GEORDI Yeah.
LAL What unpleasant event to you anticipate?
GEORDI  I anticipate being eaten by Spider Babe when she finds out I lied to her about being engaged.
LAL I do not understand.
GEORDI (ANGRILY) Look, Lal, I don't feel like... (SIGHING) Oh, what the hell. It's like this. Spider Babe wanted to lay eggs in me.It would kill me if she did that. I don't want to die. So I told her that humans can't accept someone's eggs if they're married or engaged to be married. I told her that I was engaged to be married. But I'm not. I lied to Spider Babe. I don't even have a girlfriend. And Spider Babe wants to meet her.
LAL Meet who?
GEORDI My girlfriend!
LAL But you said you don't have a girlfriend.
GEORDI Yeah. That's a bit of a problem, isn't it.
LAL And if Spider Babe discovers this, she will be angry.
GEORDI Yes, and she'll eat me.
LAL Then you need a girlfriend.
GEORDI Yeah, right. But who?
LAL I will be your girlfriend, Geordi.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message from Fletcher Paste Concentrates, Inc.
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CHEESY MOM Ice cream! Don't be silly, Jimmy! (IN ECHO VOICE) I would love to give my family ice cream. But it's so expensive! 
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SINGERS Fletcher Paste Concentrates -- taste great!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program, where we find Picard, Riker, Data, Dr. Crusher, Wesley, Don Redman and Worf standing in the hall discussing the Termitièrians.
RIKER You know, I've never liked sharing a picnic with bugs.
DR. CRUSHER That's not an appropriate way to talk about our guests, Will. They're not bugs. They're sentient beings.
WESLEY Yeah, like, right, Mom! You really think those males are, like, actually sentient? 
PICARD I believe they are sentient, but just barely. They're like the members of the Board of Regents at Starfleet Academy.
RIKER Hey, Captain, I haven't yet met a Termitièrian as bad as a Regent!
WESLEY Well, whatever. They're so weird! And they leave their poop all over the corridors. Even on the ceiling. It's like, so disgusting, you know?
DR. CRUSHER What bothers me the most is their smell.
WORF Hm. I rather like their smell.
DATA I agree. They smell like cockroaches.
WORF To me, it's more of a carnivore smell. Although I guess I'm smelling their food more than I'm smelling them.
PICARD To me, the most annoying thing about them is that blasted loud squeaking noise they make in the corridors. They do it all night! 
DATA Yes, Captain. They are stridulating.
PICARD Stridulating??? Is that dangerous?
DATA No, Captain. They are producing sound by rubbing their hindmost legs against a special rasping organ on the sides of their abdomens. They like the acoustics of the corridors. They say it reminds them of their tunnels back home.
DON REDMAN Well, at least there don't seem to be as many as them as there were.
DR. CRUSHER That's true. Spider Babe has eaten quite a few of them.
WESLEY That's, like, gross! Like, just how much longer 'til we get to Federation Headquarters?
DATA We will reach our destination tomorrow, Wesley.
DR. CRUSHER Thank God!
SFX: DISTANT EXPLOSION
SFX: SOUND OF MACHINERY SLOWLY COMING TO A HALT
SFX: ALARM KLAXONS
 
PICARD What the hell? (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Engineering! Report! 
SCOTTY  I don't know, sir! We were a-goin' along at maximum warp, when all of a sudden we come out o' warp and the whole bloody thing shuts down! We're running on emergency power, sir! 
PICARD Data, find Geordi and report to engineering immediately. Oh, and get Puffie out of the brig and have him assist you.
DATA Yes, Captain. I will have Lal assist, also.
NARRATOR A few hours later... 
GEORDI Captain, our warp drive has suffered major damage. We're drifting slowly toward Alpha Chlamydia, the red giant of the Chlamydia double star system.
PICARD How soon before the problem can be repaired?
GEORDI We're all working on it now, sir, but we're still assessing the damage and we're not sure we'll even be able to repair it. We may need to call for outside assistance.
PICARD Our external communications systems are also down.
GEORDI Damn! That must have happened during that massive initial power surge.
NARRATOR Several weeks later, the Enterprise's exhausted crew discusses their situation in the officer's mess. 
DATA We are drifting dangerously close to this system's sun. I greatly fear that we may have to abandon the Enterprise and attempt to reach the nearest planet in our shuttle crafts.
PICARD And then what? None of the planets in this system can support life.
DATA It would only be a last resort, sir. We are still hoping to be able to patch something together.
DR. CRUSHER I'm afraid that if we don't get out of here really, really soon, either we're going to murder the Termitièrians or they're going to murder us.
GEORDI Yeah, especially since they've run out of meat, and they don't like the stuff that comes out of the synthesizers.
RIKER They could just eat their own legs.
DR. CRUSHER That's not funny, Will.
WORF How many of them are left? 
DATA Well, there is Spider Babe, of course, five adult males, about fifteen maggots, and ten pupae. 
PICARD Pupae? What is that?
DATA Their teenagers, sir. They mature very rapidly.
WESLEY Like, teenagers? Where?
DATA Their pupae are cocoons not unlike those of Terrestrial moths. 
RIKER You mean those big, brown, dirty-looking hairy things stuck to the walls in the corridors?
DATA Yes, sir.
RIKER Hmmm. I was planning to scrape those off when I had the time to do some cleaning... Now I'm glad I was too busy.
DATA Yes, sir. Destroying the ambassador's children would have been a terrible mistake. 
PUFFIE Yeah. Those li'l bug children are so cute! 
RIKER Oh, you think so, do you, Puffie?
PUFFIE Yeah. I watched them be borned out of their funny mommy in the briggy-wiggy. Then they ate their mommy and I was kinda sad, 'cause she was nice, even though she couldn't say anything 'cause she had lost her li'l ol' head.
RIKER That wasn't their mommy, Puffie. That was their daddy.
PUFFIE Oooh! I didnent know daddies could have babies! 
SCOTTY (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Captain, sir! We're gettin' all these little hull breaches all over the ship! I've never seen the like! 
NARRATOR Picard and the others hurry to the bridge.
PICARD Show me the ship's exterior. On screen! 
SFX: VIEW SCREEN ACTIVATING
 
DR. CRUSHER What are those things? They look like leeches! 
PICARD Oh, no! Skuggs! We've run into a skugg swarm! 
RIKER What are skuggs? 
DATA They are organisms that drift through open space, metabolizing any matter in their path, including rocks and metal. Ordinarily they do not pose a threat to space craft because they can be destroyed by going into hyperspace, but they are dangerous to stranded vessels such as our own. I fear we are doomed, sir.
PICARD Get me the Termitièrians.
DATA Which ones, sir?
PICARD Spider Babe and the adult males. Make it so! 
NARRATOR Data fetches the Termitièrians to the bridge.
SPIDER BABE Have you finally repaired this vessel, Captain? We are most anxious to get to Federation Headquarters.
PICARD As are we, Madam. However, I have asked you here for another reason. Do you see those creatures on our hull? They are eating our ship. Don't they look delicious?
STILL HAS HEAD Grubs! Look tasty! 
PICARD Yes, we thought you might find them interesting. We just have to figure out a way to protect you outside on the ship's surface. There's no air out there, and we don't have any space suits that would fit a Termitièrian. 
STILL HAS HEAD No need meat monkey suit! 
NARRATOR Before anyone can stop them, the Termitièrian males dash out the nearest airlock. 
PICARD Amazing! They don't seem to be affected in the least by the conditions out there. 
SPIDER BABE Not so amazing. On Termitière, our males are avid fishermen who spend hours underwater catching and eating fish. We can close off our spiracles when we go underwater. We just do the same thing whenever we go swimming in the ether outside your space ship.
PICARD Whenever you go swimming... You mean you and your males have gone outside the Enterprise before???
SPIDER BABE Frequently.
WORF Look at them! They're like vacuum cleaners! I wouldn't have thought that only five Termitièrians could eat that many skuggs.
SPIDER BABE They are very hungry. Your human food is not good.
NARRATOR Half an hour later, the Termitièrian males return.
STILL HAS HEAD Grubs all gone.
DEATH TO MEAT 
MONKEYS
Captain wrong. Grubs not tasty. We eat anyway.
DATA The Termitièrians have saved us all, Captain. 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, will return after this message from our sponsor. 
CHEESY KID (SCREAMING) No! No! I don't WANNA take a bath!
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CHEESY MOM But how do you get it off?
CHEESY AD GUY Easy! You open the Aridsol Magic Powder packet, sprinkle it on the child, and simply wipe it all away with a dry cloth. Nothing could be simpler! 
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CHEESY AD GUY Kids love the fresh scent and bright colors of Aridsol Magic Powder. They'll want to bathe every day! 
CHEESY KID Redox Aridsol Dry-Cleaning System! Wow! Thanks, Mom! 
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox! 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. The Termitièrians have destroyed the skuggs and saved the Enterprise, and the members of the crew along with Don Redman, Lal, Song and Puffie are all in the captain's conference room trying to figure out a way to divert the ship from its collision course with the star Alpha Chlamydia. 
PICARD I have called you all together to let you know that we are now facing a life or death situation. We are not making much progress repairing the ship, and we have been unable to get communications working again. But engineering will continue to work on fixing the warp drive up to the very end. Let's not give up hope... we have to pool our resources and... 
DON REDMAN Puffie's got a radio of some kind, doesn't he? Can't you just tell him to send out a message? 
PICARD Puffie's beacon! Why didn't we think of this before? Puffie, can you do it?
PUFFIE Do wha'?
PICARD Send Starfleet a signal with your beacon! 
PUFFIE Aw... I don't weally know how, unless I'm in twouble.
PICARD You are in trouble, Puffie... you're about to crash into a red giant star! 
PUFFIE Oooh, okey-dokey. I think it just turned on.
DR. CRUSHER We need it to send out a message stating our situation and our coordinates, Puffie. Will you let me and Data program it to do that?
PUFFIE Okay. Then I want you to hold my hand, 'cauth I'm scared.
NARRATOR Data and Dr. Crusher alter the programming on the beacon, and soon a ship from Starfleet is on its way. Afterwards, Geordi talks to Lal in his quarters.
GEORDI Lal, I never properly thanked you for what you did for me. You saved my life! Well, I guess it's safe now, so you can stop pretending to be my girlfriend.
LAL But, Geordi... I was not pretending. 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration!

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Episode 17

Published 10/9/98.
This page was updated 3/9/99.

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