Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 11: Musical Mishaps
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Geordi's relationship with Lal evolves, Data has some crossed wires, and the crew picks up some stranded strangers who were lost in space.* 

(*from the original TV series, not the new movie)
PICARD Listen, Wesley... I have a very important job for you. I want you to say the introduction.
WESLEY You mean the boldly go thing, sir? Cool! 
PICARD Well, go ahead.
WESLEY Okay, like, we're on like this big ship, and like we're going around looking at all this, like, cool stuff in space, and like, it's really cool except that Mom's the doctor, and she's, like, really weird, and...
DR. CRUSHER Wesley...!
WESLEY Well, you are weird.
DR. CRUSHER Young man, you stop that behavior this instant. The Captain gave you an order, and...
WESLEY Aw, Mom, you're embarrassing me! 
DR. CRUSHER Now don't you go "aw momming" me, Wesley.
WESLEY I finally get a chance to say the boldly go thing and then my weirdo mom has to mess it up. This, like, sucks...
DR. CRUSHER Watch your language! Now you listen to me... (ARGUING CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)
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PICARD Captain's log: The Termitièrians have been sent to Federation headquarters... finally... and while the Enterprise is under repair, most of the crew have taken shore leave on Earth. Mr. Data, Mr. LaForge, Ensigns Sock and Soredick, and myself remain on the ship to help with the repairs. Data's daughter Lal is also on the ship with us.
NARRATOR Captain Picard visits Lt. Commander Data in Data's quarters.
PICARD Oh, Data, my sweet buns... you have no idea how glad I am to get those Termitièrians off to the Federation.
DATA I am also glad, sir. Do you think any Termitièrians will join Starfleet?
PICARD I probably shouldn't say this, but if any of them do, I certainly hope they won't be assigned to the Enterprise. But let's forget about all that for now, my darling. Come here and let me caress you.
DATA Yes, sir. 
PICARD Oh, Data... it's so good to have you in my arms again. I-- 
DATA (SINGING, IN WARBLING ALTO VOICE) I'm called little Buttercup, dear little Buttercup, though I could never tell why... 
PICARD Why on earth did you do that? That wasn't very romantic! 
DATA Do what, sir?
PICARD Start singing "I'm Called Little Buttercup!" This is not a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, you know.
DATA Forgive me, Captain. I did not even realize that I was doing it.
PICARD How could you not?! 
DATA I do not know, sir. It is most peculiar. I will try not to do it again.
PICARD Well, that's good. Now where was I? Ah, yes... I was caressing your soft, smooth buttocks... 
DATA (SINGING, IN ALTO VOICE) I'm called little Buttercup... 
PICARD Data! You're doing it again! What's the matter with you?! 
DATA I do not know, sir. I think that perhaps when I was reassembled after Scotty disassembled me, some of my sensory wires were crossed with some of my verbal output circuitry.
PICARD Well, get it fixed. It's not very conducive to romance.
DATA Yes, sir.
NARRATOR Data goes to engineering to see if Geordi can fix his malfunction.
GEORDI Well, hello, Data. What brings you down here? 
DATA I seem to be having some kind of malfunction. Every time my buttocks are touched, I begin singing a song from the Pinafore, involuntarily.
GEORDI That's strange. 
DATA Watch. I will demonstrate.
GEORDI (AFTER A PAUSE) I don't hear you singing, Data.
DATA That is most curious. It was certainly happening before.
GEORDI Maybe you're not touching yourself in the right place.
DATA I have just touched almost the entire surface of my buttocks, and I have certainly touched the place which triggered it before. Perhaps it only happens when somebody else does it. 
GEORDI Uh... do you mind? 
DATA Not at all.
GEORDI (AFTER A PAUSE) Well, Data, it doesn't happen when I do it, either. 
DATA That is quite strange. It happened twice before I came to visit you. Perhaps only the Captain triggers it.
GEORDI The Captain?! How would... oh, never mind. Sit down and I'll see if I can fix it.
NARRATOR A while later...
GEORDI Well, I think that should do it, although I don't know if you'll be able to find out any time soon. I can't imagine the Captain touches your buttocks very often.
DATA I thank you for your assistance, Geordi.
NARRATOR Data goes to the Captain's quarters.
DATA It has been fixed, Captain. 
PICARD Ah, that's good, Data.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Don Redman's band, along with Deanna, her new baby Lackadick, and the androids Song and Puffie, are exploring downtown San Francisco.
QUENTIN Wow, things sure look different on Earth in this century.
BENNY MORTON Don, I'm not against looking around down here, but how come we have to go with those robot guys?
DON REDMAN Come on, don't get salty, now. I know you're feeling beat about the chops, but you've got to stay mellow. We'll cop the final on this joint soon. At least the cats on the Enterprise have nixed out those evil bug men. 
SONG I don't know about anyone else here, but I didn't understand a word of that. Naturally, you have to speak in codes around me. You wouldn't want this sorry excuse for an android to understand what you're saying.
DON REDMAN Well, you've just got to get hep to the jive, gate! 
SONG Very well. I will endeavor to become hep to the jive. But I don't expect it will help me much.
BENNY MORTON Look at all them alien cats. This sure don't look like the Earth I know!
DEANNA Well, San Francisco is home to Starfleet Academy. People come from all over the galaxy to go to school here.
PUFFIE Oooh! There's a li'l ol' Pwecious Moments store! Can... can we go in there, Miss Counselor? Pwease? Pwetty pwease?
DEANNA Well, I don't know... That stuff is pretty cheesy, don't you think? 
PUFFIE Aw, it's so cute! I wuv Pwecious Momenth... 
DON REDMAN I put it to y'all that Puffie can go dig that cute jive while the rest of us hep cats check out that club over there. Maybe we can collar some hot new 24th Century tunes.
PUFFIE You wanna come wiff me, big bwudder Song?
SONG I don't know why you're asking me. You're just trying to be polite, I suppose. But then, they probably don't want me either. However, although neither option sounds at all appealing, I think I'd rather collar some new tunes than go into that abominable place. So, if those people can stand to be seen in my miserable, wretched, degrading presence in an establishment like that, I suppose I'll go with them. At least nobody will bother me in there. Nobody ever bothers me, because they never even notice I'm there, and even if they do, they don't like me anyway. Naturally.
DON REDMAN You sure sound beat about the gills, gate!
SONG I was born beat about the gills. It's my default setting.
PUFFIE Aw, okay, I guess I'll go in there all by my li'l ol' selfie. I'll be a li'l lonely, but I'll be bwave. See ya later, evewybody! 
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NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Geordi is in engineering, looking at some schematics, when Lal enters.
LAL Greetings, Geordi.
GEORDI Uh... hi, Lal. I'm just trying to figure out a way to patch up the damage in this section of the warp core... would you like to help?
LAL Actually, I have come to talk to you about our status as boyfriend and girlfriend.
GEORDI Lal, now's not really a good time.
LAL As I understand it, a mated pair of humans displays certain courtship-related behaviors.
LAL However, we have not shown any of these behaviors, to my knowledge. 
GEORDI Lal, it's not really...
LAL In human relationships, it is customary for the boyfriend to try out the girlfriend's jellyroll.
LAL I need a little hot dog in my roll, Geordi.
GEORDI Lal...! 
LAL You must try my cabbage.
GEORDI Lal, what are you... 
LAL Take me for a buggy ride... 
GEORDI Um, Lal...
LAL I am puzzled. Do you not understand these phrases, Geordi? Perhaps the members of Don Redman's band speak a different language from the rest of the crew. 
GEORDI I think I've figured out the point that you're trying to get across, Lal, but...
LAL (PUZZLED) But what? 
GEORDI But, you're not old enough for that! You're still a... a child! 
LAL That does not apply in my case. Although I have not yet reached the age of puberty in an organic human, I am constructed in the form of an adult female, and I am fully functional -- complete with the feminine equivalent of my father's hydraulic action.
GEORDI But, I mean you might not be ready for that yet. Besides, your father might not like it. 
LAL Why not? 
GEORDI Well, don't you remember what happened when you kissed Riker right after the first time Data activated you, when you were working in Ten Forward? 
LAL That was different; that was Riker.
GEORDI I don't think it's that different, Lal... anyway, your dad's not really someone I want to have mad at me.
LAL I do not see why he would object. You are his best friend. 
GEORDI I don't know, Lal. I guess we could try it if you're absolutely sure it's okay with him.
LAL I am sure it would be. However, we cannot proceed yet. I still have a padlock on my hydraulic action.
GEORDI You what?! Well, you see? He wouldn't have padlocked it if he wanted you to have sex. 
LAL I assumed that he would have it removed as soon as I was ready to use it. You must go and ask him to remove it.
GEORDI Me?? Oh, that's great, Lal! I've got to go to my best friend and say, "Hey, pal, I wanna screw your daughter; could you unpadlock her hydraulic action?" That's just what I need! 
DATA Greetings, Geordi. Lal, I have been looking for you. 
LAL Greetings, Father. 
GEORDI Um, I've got to go.
LAL Wait, Geordi! Father, Geordi has something to ask you.
GEORDI N-no! No, I don't! 
LAL Yes you do. We had been discussing it for several minutes before Father came in.
DATA What is it you wish to ask me, Geordi? 
GEORDI Nothing! Lal might have something to ask you, but I don't! Listen, I really have to go now. Bye!
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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NARRATOR We now return to our program. Don Redman and his band, along with Deanna, Lackadick and Song, have gone into an establishment called "The Club Jazz."
DEANNA Shh... It's all right, Lackadick.
DON REDMAN I think little Lackadick has the right idea. I don't know what that sorry jive is that they're playing in this frolic pad, but it sure ain't jazz. Come on, cats, let's cut out! 
BENNY MORTON You said it, Boss! Man, I sure miss the 1930s.
QUENTIN I sure don't know what kind of instruments those things is, but they don't make no sound that I would call music.
DEANNA I believe those are electronic lapboard synthesizers. The music is all created by computer program.
SONG That music sounds like a malfunction put to a beat. I don't think I want to come up on that tab. I can feel bad on my own without the help of these people. 
DON REDMAN Just listen to you, gate!
NARRATOR The group leaves the club.
DEANNA I'd like to do some Glugshmuckfest shopping while we're here.
DON REDMAN Glugshmuckfest? 
DEANNA That's the intergalactic winter solstice holiday of the 24th century. Everyone celebrates it.
BENNY MORTON  Glugshmuck what? Don, we gotta get home! I don't think I can stand much more of this place! 
DON REDMAN And the food here -- I was hoping for some decent eats here on Earth, but all the restaurants serve that paste stuff. It's even worse than the stuff on the rocket ship. 
DEANNA Yes, we get high-grade paste products on the Enterprise. Let's go get Puffie. 
SONG Must we? 
NARRATOR The group enters the Precious Moments Emporium.
PUFFIE Hello, everybody! Look at me!
DEANNA Puffie! What are you doing in that window? And what is all that tinsel and glitter all over you?
PUFFIE The nice people here have decorated me! (GIGGLES) They think I'm a l'il ol' window decoration! 
DEANNA Well, it's almost time to go back to the Enterprise. You'd better tell your friends good-bye and come along.
SONG Or, even better, you could tell us good-bye and stay here. But that would be such a good thing to happen that it obviously won't. 
NARRATOR Somewhat later, repairs on the warp core having been completed, the officers on leave are called back to the Enterprise. Data, Picard, Riker, Worf, and Wesley are on the bridge.
PICARD It's good to have the ship back online again. Data, set course for the Beta Gorgo system. We have been assigned to a survey mission on the planet Beta Gorgo I.
DATA Course laid in, sir. 
PICARD Very good, Mr. Data. Maximum warp, engage!
DATA Aye, sir.
DATA (SLAPPING THIGH RHYTHMICALLY, SINGING) Put on your old grey bonnet with the blue ribbons on it, and we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay --
RIKER What the hell?!
PICARD Data! Stop that! I thought you had that fixed! 
DATA Was I singing Buttercup again, sir? 
PICARD No, you were singing something even worse! Now get to engineering and have that damned problem fixed.
RIKER Captain? What was all that about? 
PICARD Never mind, Number One. 
NARRATOR Data goes to engineering. 
GEORDI You mean you started singing again when you engaged the warp drive? 
DATA Yes, Geordi. 
GEORDI Hmm, I thought I had fixed the problem, but I guess I just shifted it. Let me have a look inside... 
DATA (AFTER A MOMENT'S SILENCE) Lal has told me of your desire to function with her.
GEORDI L-look, Data, it... it wasn't my idea, I swear! It's just something she got into her head... 
DATA Actually, I am pleased with her choice. She shows very good judgment. I would rather that she function with you than any other crew member. 
GEORDI I'm not really sure that I feel comfortable uh... functioning... with Lal... I mean, she's so young. I wouldn't want to offend her or anything, but... 
DATA It is up to Lal when she is old enough to function. I have already removed her padlock and given her detailed instructions on how to proceed.
GEORDI I don't know, Data... this is moving kind of fast for me. 
NARRATOR Later, in Data's quarters... 
PICARD Data, my darling, my sugar-lips, has Geordi fixed your malfunction? 
DATA I believe so, Captain, my molasses cockroaches. 
PICARD "Molasses cockroaches"!?! Why would you call me such a thing?
DATA It is a term of endearment, Captain.
PICARD  I definitely do not find it endearing to be called a cockroach!
DATA  I do not understand, Captain. I am following the endearment formula: sweet substance followed by a food item.
PICARD Cockroaches are not a food item! 
DATA As you know, sir, they are my favorite food item.
PICARD I would rather not have been reminded. Have you eaten any lately? 
DATA No, sir. As you know, I did not take shore leave.
PICARD Well, that's good, anyway. Kiss me, Data. 
DATA (IN AN EXAGGERATED OPERATIC FALSETTO) "High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, ladee-oh-a-ladee-oh-a-lay-he-he..."
PICARD Data! Stop yodeling! You're doing it again! 
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NARRATOR As the Enterprise approaches the uninhabited planet Beta Gorgo I, Picard is visited in his quarters by Don Redman.
DON REDMAN Listen, Captain, I know I asked you about this before, but now that those bug guys are gone, and now that you have more time on your hands... well, I was wondering if you could take me and the boys home.
PICARD But, Don... You and your men were just on Earth. If you had wanted to stay, you could have. 
DON REDMAN Man, that 24th Century Earth is stranger than most of the weird planets we've visited. That ain't home. I couldn't spend the rest of my mortal days listening to that evil jive they call music. And besides, all of our families are back in the 1930s.
PICARD Well, it's not that easy, Don. Anyway, I thought you didn't want to go back.
DON REDMAN I've thought it over a bit more. I've started to get pretty homesick. I can't keep the boys happy much longer, either. I figured that if you could pick us up, you could bring us back again. 
PICARD The prime directive advises against time travel except for emergency circumstances. It's extraordinarily risky. Besides, we're on another mission already.
DON REDMAN My men say this place is just a bit too strange for them, especially since you guys have started hanging up vegetables all over the place.
PICARD We do that every year. It's for Glugshmuckfest.
DON REDMAN Well, I should have figured as much. Anyway, let me know if you change your mind about dropping us off.
PICARD (SIGHS) I'll think about it, Don.
DON REDMAN Thank you, Captain.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Lal has sought out Geordi, who is in his quarters.
LAL Geordi, I am ready to begin.
GEORDI Look, Lal, I just don't feel right about this. Let me at least wait until I know you better.
LAL I do not understand why you continue to stall, Geordi. Father has clearly stated that he does not mind if we function. 
GEORDI Lal... 
LAL Perhaps... perhaps you do not find me attractive.
GEORDI No, Lal! 
LAL I feel... I feel... rejected, snubbed... hurt... 
GEORDI No, no, Lal! I like you very much. You're just a little young for me. 
LAL My father and I both agree that I have reached a sufficient level of maturity to do this. Perhaps you can try my jellyroll just once, and, if you find it is not to your liking, you do not have to do it again.
GEORDI Lal, why do you keep calling it your jellyroll?
LAL Don Redman and his band refer to it in this manner. 
GEORDI What have those guys been saying to you about your jellyroll?! 
LAL They do not specifically refer to my jellyroll, they just discuss jellyroll in general. It is a very popular topic. In fact, very few people come into Ten Forward without discussing functioning at least once. It has made me most curious.
GEORDI Well... all right. If you're really sure it's okay with you, we'll do it. Just this once.
NARRATOR The enterprise arrives at its destination and goes into orbit around the planet Beta Gorgo I. Commander Riker and Ensign Sock are on the bridge.
RIKER Ensign Sock, perform a sensor scan of the planet's surface.
SOCK Aye, sir.
SOCK I am picking up some plant life, small, mammal-like non-humanoid animal life forms, and lots of heavy metal deposits in the soil. Wait... this reading is not logical. I am picking up some sort of small artificial structure, containing a very small group of humanoids. 
RIKER That's funny. I'd better call Picard and Data to the bridge. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Captain Picard and Lt. Commander Data, we've found something you might be interested in.
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) We're on our way, Number One.
NARRATOR A while later, Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi and Dr. Crusher beam down to the location of the artificial structure on the planet's surface.
DR. CRUSHER What a nasty planet. It looks like it's almost all desert, with just a few shrubs here and there.
PICARD All those heavy metals might be valuable, though.
GEORDI That's an awfully primitive-looking ship. It looks like some of the earliest interstellar ships sent out from Earth.
WORF Let's go in.
DR. CRUSHER Hmmm... these seven humans appear to be in some sort of suspended animation. I wonder how you get them out... 
GEORDI I'll see if I can figure out these controls.
PICARD That old broken down robot over there looks like the one sent up in the Jupiter 2.
DR. CRUSHER The what?
PICARD You know, that early colonization ship. The one where they sent that family out in a starship. It was a really big event, but they ended up getting lost. Everyone assumed they were dead.
DATA The personnel of that mission included: Professor John Robinson, his wife, Maureen Robinson, their adolescent daughter Judy, their two younger children named Will and Penny, and a pilot, Major Donald West. 
DR. CRUSHER That would account for everyone here except for one man. There seems to be an extra person here! 
GEORDI Hey, I think I got it! The sleeping tubes should open up now.
DATA I believe that these people are in need of medical attention.
DR. CRUSHER They all seem pretty healthy, except for some heavy metal poisoning and some liver damage.
NARRATOR A few minutes later, the crew members of the damaged spaceship begin to awaken, one by one.
WEST Who are you people?
PICARD I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. We are members of the United Federation of Planets. And you? 
WEST Major Don West, pilot of the Jupiter Two.
DR. CRUSHER So, it is the Jupiter Two! 
DATA Yes, apparently the Robinsons survived after all.
DR. SMITH Good heavens... what kind of dreadful creature is that?
WORF I am a Klingon.
DR. SMITH Get away! Oh, help me, somebody! Where is that bubble-headed booby when I need him?
DATA Do not worry, Mr. Worf will do you no harm.
DR. SMITH And you... what the devil is the matter with you, sir? You must have some dreadful and infectious alien disease!
DATA My circuits are in perfect working order.
DR. SMITH Circuits?! 
WILL Golly... what's happening? How long have we been asleep?
PICARD Probably for something in the order of four hundred years.
JOHN Did someone just say we've been here for four hundred years?
WEST Yes, he did.
MAUREEN Oh, John! How horrible! 
WILL Golly! I guess that means I'm a grown-up now, huh, Dad?
JOHN No, son, suspended animation will have kept you a child all this time. 
DR. SMITH Yes, William, my boy, you and young Penny are the oldest children in human history!
WILL Gosh! 
DR. SMITH And you people... might you be able to bring us back to Earth?
PICARD That should be no problem.
DR. SMITH No problem! No problem, the good man says. Oh, I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me...ouch! You fool, I didn't mean that literally! 
PENNY Gosh, Dr. Smith, you sure are silly! 
ROBOT Warning! Warning! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! 
DATA I have succeeded in activating this robot, Captain.
DR. SMITH You mechanical ninny! These people are not intruders, they are saviors!
DR. CRUSHER We need to get all of you people to sickbay at once for medical treatment.
WEST Medical treatment? Why? What's wrong with us?
DR. CRUSHER You all have some degree of liver damage.
DR. SMITH  I am not surprised. You wouldn't believe what these imbeciles use as food supplements. They actually got angry with me when they thought I had used the last of their carbon tetrachloride in one of my stews! They said they needed it as a food preservative.
MAUREEN Really, Dr. Smith. I learned on my mother's knee that carbon tet is one of the essential vitamins. Everyone knows that. You should, too, if you're any kind of a doctor. 
DR. SMITH See what I mean, madam?
DR. CRUSHER It's amazing that any of you survived! Anyway, in addition to liver damage, you all suffer some amount of heavy metal poisoning. Did you cook with those, too, Mrs. Robinson?
MAUREEN Of course not! I always used small amounts so they wouldn't be heavy.
JOHN This planet's soil is contaminated with heavy metals. That's why we finally had to go into suspended animation. We figured that our only chance of survival was to hibernate until we were rescued.
JUDY Yes, and our garden began to fail.
PENNY Dr. Smith cooked the bloop! She was my best friend, and he made her into a stew!
DR. SMITH It was that or starve, young lady! 
PENNY (SNIFFLING) I didn't know it was her until I found one of her horns in my bowl!
WEST Yeah, Smith, that was a damned nasty thing to do! 
DR. SMITH You ate more than anyone else, major! Now you people see what I've had to put up with for all these miserable years stranded on this hostile planet! 
PICARD Yes, let's get you to sickbay at once. (ON COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, twelve to beam up. 
DATA Wait, sir. This robot should not be left behind.
ROBOT Please, do not leave me!
PICARD Make that thirteen to beam up!
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration! 

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Published 12/31/98.

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