| PICARD |
Listen, Wesley... I have a very important job for you. I want you to
say the introduction. |
| WESLEY |
You mean the boldly go thing, sir? Cool! |
| PICARD |
Well, go ahead. |
| WESLEY |
Okay, like, we're on like this big ship, and like we're going around
looking at all this, like, cool stuff in space, and like, it's really cool
except that Mom's the doctor, and she's, like, really weird, and... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Wesley...! |
| WESLEY |
Well, you are weird. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Young man, you stop that behavior this instant. The Captain gave you
an order, and... |
| WESLEY |
Aw, Mom, you're embarrassing me! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Now don't you go "aw momming" me, Wesley. |
| WESLEY |
I finally get a chance to say the boldly go thing and then my weirdo
mom has to mess it up. This, like, sucks... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Watch your language! Now you listen to me... (ARGUING CONTINUES IN
BACKGROUND) |
| NARRATOR |
Ahem... Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox,
Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor. |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Have you ever had festering green sores on you buttocks? |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, who hasn't? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Well, now you won't have to suffer any more, thanks to Redox brand
Gold Bun Medicated Powder, which now comes in a variety specifically designed
to eliminate those nasty sores, caused by Torgonian swamp bacteria. Gold
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| CHEESY AD LADY |
Gosh! That's amazing! I'll get some today. |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Gold Bun Medicated Powder from Redox. Use only as directed. |
| SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| PICARD |
Captain's log: The Termitièrians have been sent to Federation
headquarters... finally... and while the Enterprise is under repair, most
of the crew have taken shore leave on Earth. Mr. Data, Mr. LaForge, Ensigns
Sock and Soredick, and myself remain on the ship to help with the repairs.
Data's daughter Lal is also on the ship with us. |
| NARRATOR |
Captain Picard visits Lt. Commander Data in Data's quarters. |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data, my sweet buns... you have no idea how glad I am to get those
Termitièrians off to the Federation. |
| DATA |
I am also glad, sir. Do you think any Termitièrians will join
Starfleet? |
| PICARD |
I probably shouldn't say this, but if any of them do, I certainly hope
they won't be assigned to the Enterprise. But let's forget about all that
for now, my darling. Come here and let me caress you. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data... it's so good to have you in my arms again. I-- |
| DATA |
(SINGING, IN WARBLING ALTO VOICE) I'm called little Buttercup, dear
little Buttercup, though I could never tell why... |
| PICARD |
(SHOUTING OVER DATA'S SINGING) Data... Data!! |
| DATA |
Sir? |
| PICARD |
Why on earth did you do that? That wasn't very romantic! |
| DATA |
Do what, sir? |
| PICARD |
Start singing "I'm Called Little Buttercup!" This is not a Gilbert
and Sullivan operetta, you know. |
| DATA |
Forgive me, Captain. I did not even realize that I was doing it. |
| PICARD |
How could you not?! |
| DATA |
I do not know, sir. It is most peculiar. I will try not to do it again. |
| PICARD |
Well, that's good. Now where was I? Ah, yes... I was caressing your
soft, smooth buttocks... |
| DATA |
(SINGING, IN ALTO VOICE) I'm called little Buttercup... |
| PICARD |
Data! You're doing it again! What's the matter with you?! |
| DATA |
I do not know, sir. I think that perhaps when I was reassembled after
Scotty disassembled me, some of my sensory wires were crossed with some
of my verbal output circuitry. |
| PICARD |
Well, get it fixed. It's not very conducive to romance. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR |
Data goes to engineering to see if Geordi can fix his malfunction. |
| GEORDI |
Well, hello, Data. What brings you down here? |
| DATA |
I seem to be having some kind of malfunction. Every time my buttocks
are touched, I begin singing a song from the Pinafore, involuntarily. |
| GEORDI |
That's strange. |
| DATA |
Watch. I will demonstrate. |
| GEORDI |
(AFTER A PAUSE) I don't hear you singing, Data. |
| DATA |
That is most curious. It was certainly happening before. |
| GEORDI |
Maybe you're not touching yourself in the right place. |
| DATA |
I have just touched almost the entire surface of my buttocks, and I
have certainly touched the place which triggered it before. Perhaps it
only happens when somebody else does it. |
| GEORDI |
Uh... do you mind? |
| DATA |
Not at all. |
| GEORDI |
(AFTER A PAUSE) Well, Data, it doesn't happen when I do it, either. |
| DATA |
That is quite strange. It happened twice before I came to visit you.
Perhaps only the Captain triggers it. |
| GEORDI |
The Captain?! How would... oh, never mind. Sit down and I'll see if
I can fix it. |
| NARRATOR |
A while later... |
| GEORDI |
Well, I think that should do it, although I don't know if you'll be
able to find out any time soon. I can't imagine the Captain touches your
buttocks very often. |
| DATA |
I thank you for your assistance, Geordi. |
| NARRATOR |
Data goes to the Captain's quarters. |
| DATA |
It has been fixed, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Ah, that's good, Data. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Don Redman's band, along with Deanna, her new baby Lackadick,
and the androids Song and Puffie, are exploring downtown San Francisco. |
| QUENTIN |
Wow, things sure look different on Earth in this century. |
| BENNY MORTON |
Don, I'm not against looking around down here, but how come we have
to go with those robot guys? |
| DON REDMAN |
Come on, don't get salty, now. I know you're feeling beat about the
chops, but you've got to stay mellow. We'll cop the final on this joint
soon. At least the cats on the Enterprise have nixed out those evil bug
men. |
| SONG |
I don't know about anyone else here, but I didn't understand a word
of that. Naturally, you have to speak in codes around me. You wouldn't
want this sorry excuse for an android to understand what you're saying. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, you've just got to get hep to the jive, gate! |
| SONG |
Very well. I will endeavor to become hep to the jive. But I don't expect
it will help me much. |
| BENNY MORTON |
Look at all them alien cats. This sure don't look like the Earth I
know! |
| DEANNA |
Well, San Francisco is home to Starfleet Academy. People come from
all over the galaxy to go to school here. |
| PUFFIE |
Oooh! There's a li'l ol' Pwecious Moments store! Can... can we go in
there, Miss Counselor? Pwease? Pwetty pwease? |
| DEANNA |
Well, I don't know... That stuff is pretty cheesy, don't you think? |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, it's so cute! I wuv Pwecious Momenth... |
| DON REDMAN |
I put it to y'all that Puffie can go dig that cute jive while the rest
of us hep cats check out that club over there. Maybe we can collar some
hot new 24th Century tunes. |
| PUFFIE |
You wanna come wiff me, big bwudder Song? |
| SONG |
I don't know why you're asking me. You're just trying to be
polite, I suppose. But then, they probably don't want me either.
However, although neither option sounds at all appealing, I think I'd rather
collar some new tunes than go into that abominable place. So, if those
people can stand to be seen in my miserable, wretched, degrading presence
in an establishment like that, I suppose I'll go with them. At least nobody
will bother me in there. Nobody ever bothers me, because they never even
notice I'm there, and even if they do, they don't like me anyway. Naturally. |
| DON REDMAN |
You sure sound beat about the gills, gate! |
| SONG |
I was born beat about the gills. It's my default setting. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, okay, I guess I'll go in there all by my li'l ol' selfie. I'll
be a li'l lonely, but I'll be bwave. See ya later, evewybody! |
| LAL |
Greetings, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Uh... hi, Lal. I'm just trying to figure out a way to patch up the
damage in this section of the warp core... would you like to help? |
| LAL |
Actually, I have come to talk to you about our status as boyfriend
and girlfriend. |
| GEORDI |
Lal, now's not really a good time. |
| LAL |
As I understand it, a mated pair of humans displays certain courtship-related
behaviors. |
| GEORDI |
(UNCOMFORTABLY) Um, Lal... |
| LAL |
However, we have not shown any of these behaviors, to my knowledge. |
| GEORDI |
Lal, it's not really... |
| LAL |
In human relationships, it is customary for the boyfriend to try out
the girlfriend's jellyroll. |
| GEORDI |
(PUZZLED) What? |
| LAL |
I need a little hot dog in my roll, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Lal...! |
| LAL |
You must try my cabbage. |
| GEORDI |
Lal, what are you... |
| LAL |
Take me for a buggy ride... |
| GEORDI |
Um, Lal... |
| LAL |
I am puzzled. Do you not understand these phrases, Geordi? Perhaps
the members of Don Redman's band speak a different language from the rest
of the crew. |
| GEORDI |
I think I've figured out the point that you're trying to get across,
Lal, but... |
| LAL |
(PUZZLED) But what? |
| GEORDI |
But, you're not old enough for that! You're still a... a child! |
| LAL |
That does not apply in my case. Although I have not yet reached the
age of puberty in an organic human, I am constructed in the form of an
adult female, and I am fully functional -- complete with the feminine equivalent
of my father's hydraulic action. |
| GEORDI |
But, I mean you might not be ready for that yet. Besides, your father
might not like it. |
| LAL |
Why not? |
| GEORDI |
Well, don't you remember what happened when you kissed Riker right
after the first time Data activated you, when you were working in Ten Forward? |
| LAL |
That was different; that was Riker. |
| GEORDI |
I don't think it's that different, Lal... anyway, your dad's not really
someone I want to have mad at me. |
| LAL |
I do not see why he would object. You are his best friend. |
| GEORDI |
I don't know, Lal. I guess we could try it if you're absolutely sure
it's okay with him. |
| LAL |
I am sure it would be. However, we cannot proceed yet. I still have
a padlock on my hydraulic action. |
| GEORDI |
You what?! Well, you see? He wouldn't have padlocked it if he wanted
you to have sex. |
| LAL |
I assumed that he would have it removed as soon as I was ready to use
it. You must go and ask him to remove it. |
| GEORDI |
Me?? Oh, that's great, Lal! I've got to go to my best friend and say,
"Hey, pal, I wanna screw your daughter; could you unpadlock her hydraulic
action?" That's just what I need! |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message. |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
This holiday season, bring your children an adventure in their favorite
land of whimsy and wonder, with those adorable characters that we know
and love from the classic children's series, Land Before Time... |
| DUCKY |
We are back! Yes, we are, yep, yep, yep! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Laugh, cry, and celebrate with all your little prehistoric friends
-- Ducky, Petrie, Little Foot, Cera, Chomper and Spike -- in the brand
new movie, Land Before Time 472: Sharing and Caring in the Great Valley. |
| CERA |
(SULKING) Nobody gave me a present this year... but I don't care. I
don't need their stupid presents anyway! |
| LITTLE FOOT |
Gee, Chomper, I forgot to get you a present! |
| CHOMPER |
Aw, that's okay... your being my friend is a good enough present for
me. |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Experience the wonder, the excitement, and the magic all over again,
with all new original songs. |
| CHEESY SINGING |
Now's the time for loving, now's the time for caring; Now's the time
for giving, now's the time for sharing... |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Land Before Time 472. Now available in living Holoprogram at a hologram
provider near you. |
| LACKADICK |
Waaaah! |
| DEANNA |
Shh... It's all right, Lackadick. |
| DON REDMAN |
I think little Lackadick has the right idea. I don't know what that
sorry jive is that they're playing in this frolic pad, but it sure ain't
jazz. Come on, cats, let's cut out! |
| BENNY MORTON |
You said it, Boss! Man, I sure miss the 1930s. |
| QUENTIN |
I sure don't know what kind of instruments those things is, but they
don't make no sound that I would call music. |
| DEANNA |
I believe those are electronic lapboard synthesizers. The music is
all created by computer program. |
| SONG |
That music sounds like a malfunction put to a beat. I don't think I
want to come up on that tab. I can feel bad on my own without the help
of these people. |
| DON REDMAN |
Just listen to you, gate! |
| NARRATOR |
The group leaves the club. |
| DEANNA |
I'd like to do some Glugshmuckfest shopping while we're here. |
| DON REDMAN |
Glugshmuckfest? |
| DEANNA |
That's the intergalactic winter solstice holiday of the 24th century.
Everyone celebrates it. |
| BENNY MORTON |
Glugshmuck what? Don, we gotta get home! I don't think I can
stand much more of this place! |
| DON REDMAN |
And the food here -- I was hoping for some decent eats here on Earth,
but all the restaurants serve that paste stuff. It's even worse than the
stuff on the rocket ship. |
| DEANNA |
Yes, we get high-grade paste products on the Enterprise. Let's go get
Puffie. |
| SONG |
Must we? |
| NARRATOR |
The group enters the Precious Moments Emporium. |
| PUFFIE |
Hello, everybody! Look at me! |
| DEANNA |
Puffie! What are you doing in that window? And what is all that tinsel
and glitter all over you? |
| PUFFIE |
The nice people here have decorated me! (GIGGLES) They think I'm a
l'il ol' window decoration! |
| DEANNA |
Well, it's almost time to go back to the Enterprise. You'd better tell
your friends good-bye and come along. |
| SONG |
Or, even better, you could tell us good-bye and stay here. But
that would be such a good thing to happen that it obviously won't. |
| NARRATOR |
Somewhat later, repairs on the warp core having been completed, the
officers on leave are called back to the Enterprise. Data, Picard, Riker,
Worf, and Wesley are on the bridge. |
| PICARD |
It's good to have the ship back online again. Data, set course for
the Beta Gorgo system. We have been assigned to a survey mission on the
planet Beta Gorgo I. |
| DATA |
Course laid in, sir. |
| PICARD |
Very good, Mr. Data. Maximum warp, engage! |
| DATA |
Aye, sir. |
| DATA |
(AFTER A MOMENT'S SILENCE) Lal has told me of your desire to function
with her. |
| GEORDI |
L-look, Data, it... it wasn't my idea, I swear! It's just something
she got into her head... |
| DATA |
Actually, I am pleased with her choice. She shows very good judgment.
I would rather that she function with you than any other crew member. |
| GEORDI |
I'm not really sure that I feel comfortable uh... functioning... with
Lal... I mean, she's so young. I wouldn't want to offend her or anything,
but... |
| DATA |
It is up to Lal when she is old enough to function. I have already
removed her padlock and given her detailed instructions on how to proceed. |
| GEORDI |
I don't know, Data... this is moving kind of fast for me. |
| NARRATOR |
Later, in Data's quarters... |
| PICARD |
Data, my darling, my sugar-lips, has Geordi fixed your malfunction? |
| DATA |
I believe so, Captain, my molasses cockroaches. |
| PICARD |
"Molasses cockroaches"!?! Why would you call me such a thing? |
| DATA |
It is a term of endearment, Captain. |
| PICARD |
I definitely do not find it endearing to be called a cockroach! |
| DATA |
I do not understand, Captain. I am following the endearment formula:
sweet substance followed by a food item. |
| PICARD |
Cockroaches are not a food item! |
| DATA |
As you know, sir, they are my favorite food item. |
| PICARD |
I would rather not have been reminded. Have you eaten any lately? |
| DATA |
No, sir. As you know, I did not take shore leave. |
| PICARD |
Well, that's good, anyway. Kiss me, Data. |
| NARRATOR |
As the Enterprise approaches the uninhabited planet Beta Gorgo I, Picard
is visited in his quarters by Don Redman. |
| DON REDMAN |
Listen, Captain, I know I asked you about this before, but now that
those bug guys are gone, and now that you have more time on your hands...
well, I was wondering if you could take me and the boys home. |
| PICARD |
But, Don... You and your men were just on Earth. If you had wanted
to stay, you could have. |
| DON REDMAN |
Man, that 24th Century Earth is stranger than most of the weird planets
we've visited. That ain't home. I couldn't spend the rest of my mortal
days listening to that evil jive they call music. And besides, all of our
families are back in the 1930s. |
| PICARD |
Well, it's not that easy, Don. Anyway, I thought you didn't want to
go back. |
| DON REDMAN |
I've thought it over a bit more. I've started to get pretty homesick.
I can't keep the boys happy much longer, either. I figured that if you
could pick us up, you could bring us back again. |
| PICARD |
The prime directive advises against time travel except for emergency
circumstances. It's extraordinarily risky. Besides, we're on another mission
already. |
| DON REDMAN |
My men say this place is just a bit too strange for them, especially
since you guys have started hanging up vegetables all over the place. |
| PICARD |
We do that every year. It's for Glugshmuckfest. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, I should have figured as much. Anyway, let me know if you change
your mind about dropping us off. |
| PICARD |
(SIGHS) I'll think about it, Don. |
| DON REDMAN |
Thank you, Captain. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Lal has sought out Geordi, who is in his quarters. |
| LAL |
Geordi, I am ready to begin. |
| GEORDI |
Look, Lal, I just don't feel right about this. Let me at least wait
until I know you better. |
| LAL |
I do not understand why you continue to stall, Geordi. Father has clearly
stated that he does not mind if we function. |
| GEORDI |
Lal... |
| LAL |
Perhaps... perhaps you do not find me attractive. |
| GEORDI |
No, Lal! |
| LAL |
I feel... I feel... rejected, snubbed... hurt... |
| GEORDI |
No, no, Lal! I like you very much. You're just a little young for me. |
| LAL |
My father and I both agree that I have reached a sufficient level of
maturity to do this. Perhaps you can try my jellyroll just once, and, if
you find it is not to your liking, you do not have to do it again. |
| GEORDI |
Lal, why do you keep calling it your jellyroll? |
| LAL |
Don Redman and his band refer to it in this manner. |
| GEORDI |
What have those guys been saying to you about your jellyroll?! |
| LAL |
They do not specifically refer to my jellyroll, they just discuss
jellyroll in general. It is a very popular topic. In fact, very few people
come into Ten Forward without discussing functioning at least once. It
has made me most curious. |
| GEORDI |
Well... all right. If you're really sure it's okay with you, we'll
do it. Just this once. |
| NARRATOR |
The enterprise arrives at its destination and goes into orbit around
the planet Beta Gorgo I. Commander Riker and Ensign Sock are on the bridge. |
| RIKER |
Ensign Sock, perform a sensor scan of the planet's surface. |
| SOCK |
Aye, sir. |
| SOCK |
I am picking up some plant life, small, mammal-like non-humanoid animal
life forms, and lots of heavy metal deposits in the soil. Wait... this
reading is not logical. I am picking up some sort of small artificial structure,
containing a very small group of humanoids. |
| RIKER |
That's funny. I'd better call Picard and Data to the bridge. (INTO
COMMUNICATOR) Captain Picard and Lt. Commander Data, we've found something
you might be interested in. |
| PICARD |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) We're on our way, Number One. |
| NARRATOR |
A while later, Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi and Dr. Crusher beam down
to the location of the artificial structure on the planet's surface. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Hmmm... these seven humans appear to be in some sort of suspended animation.
I wonder how you get them out... |
| GEORDI |
I'll see if I can figure out these controls. |
| PICARD |
That old broken down robot over there looks like the one sent up in
the Jupiter 2. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
The what? |
| PICARD |
You know, that early colonization ship. The one where they sent that
family out in a starship. It was a really big event, but they ended up
getting lost. Everyone assumed they were dead. |
| DATA |
The personnel of that mission included: Professor John Robinson, his
wife, Maureen Robinson, their adolescent daughter Judy, their two younger
children named Will and Penny, and a pilot, Major Donald West. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That would account for everyone here except for one man. There seems
to be an extra person here! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
They all seem pretty healthy, except for some heavy metal poisoning
and some liver damage. |
| NARRATOR |
A few minutes later, the crew members of the damaged spaceship begin
to awaken, one by one. |
| WEST |
Who are you people? |
| PICARD |
I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. We are members
of the United Federation of Planets. And you? |
| WEST |
Major Don West, pilot of the Jupiter Two. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
So, it is the Jupiter Two! |
| DATA |
Yes, apparently the Robinsons survived after all. |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens... what kind of dreadful creature is that? |
| WORF |
I am a Klingon. |
| DR. SMITH |
Get away! Oh, help me, somebody! Where is that bubble-headed booby
when I need him? |
| DATA |
Do not worry, Mr. Worf will do you no harm. |
| DR. SMITH |
And you... what the devil is the matter with you, sir? You must have
some dreadful and infectious alien disease! |
| DATA |
My circuits are in perfect working order. |
| DR. SMITH |
Circuits?! |
| WILL |
Golly... what's happening? How long have we been asleep? |
| PICARD |
Probably for something in the order of four hundred years. |
| JOHN |
Did someone just say we've been here for four hundred years? |
| WEST |
Yes, he did. |
| MAUREEN |
Oh, John! How horrible! |
| WILL |
Golly! I guess that means I'm a grown-up now, huh, Dad? |
| JOHN |
No, son, suspended animation will have kept you a child all this time. |
| DR. SMITH |
Yes, William, my boy, you and young Penny are the oldest children in
human history! |
| WILL |
Gosh! |
| DR. SMITH |
And you people... might you be able to bring us back to Earth? |
| PICARD |
That should be no problem. |
| DR. SMITH |
No problem! No problem, the good man says. Oh, I must be dreaming.
Somebody pinch me...ouch! You fool, I didn't mean that literally! |
| PENNY |
Gosh, Dr. Smith, you sure are silly! |
| ROBOT |
Warning! Warning! Intruder alert! Intruder alert! |
| DATA |
I have succeeded in activating this robot, Captain. |
| DR. SMITH |
You mechanical ninny! These people are not intruders, they are saviors! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
We need to get all of you people to sickbay at once for medical treatment. |
| WEST |
Medical treatment? Why? What's wrong with us? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
You all have some degree of liver damage. |
| DR. SMITH |
I am not surprised. You wouldn't believe what these imbeciles
use as food supplements. They actually got angry with me when they thought
I had used the last of their carbon tetrachloride in one of my stews! They
said they needed it as a food preservative. |
| MAUREEN |
Really, Dr. Smith. I learned on my mother's knee that carbon tet is
one of the essential vitamins. Everyone knows that. You should, too, if
you're any kind of a doctor. |
| DR. SMITH |
See what I mean, madam? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
It's amazing that any of you survived! Anyway, in addition to liver
damage, you all suffer some amount of heavy metal poisoning. Did you cook
with those, too, Mrs. Robinson? |
| MAUREEN |
Of course not! I always used small amounts so they wouldn't be heavy. |
| JOHN |
This planet's soil is contaminated with heavy metals. That's why we
finally had to go into suspended animation. We figured that our only chance
of survival was to hibernate until we were rescued. |
| JUDY |
Yes, and our garden began to fail. |
| PENNY |
Dr. Smith cooked the bloop! She was my best friend, and he made her
into a stew! |
| DR. SMITH |
It was that or starve, young lady! |
| PENNY |
(SNIFFLING) I didn't know it was her until I found one of her horns
in my bowl! |
| WEST |
Yeah, Smith, that was a damned nasty thing to do! |
| DR. SMITH |
You ate more than anyone else, major! Now you people see what I've
had to put up with for all these miserable years stranded on this hostile
planet! |
| PICARD |
Yes, let's get you to sickbay at once. (ON COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise,
twelve to beam up. |
| DATA |
Wait, sir. This robot should not be left behind. |
| ROBOT |
Please, do not leave me! |
| PICARD |
Make that thirteen to beam up! |
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