Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 12: There's No Place Like Home
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which we learn the truth about the Space Family Robinson,* Beverly finds romance, the Robot gets a name, and we celebrate the holiday season on the Enterprise.
(*from the original TV series, not the new movie)
Drawing of Beverly Crusher with Dr. Smith at the Glugschmuckfest party.
 
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD All right, Dr. Smith. Since you are a guest on board our ship, we would like to invite you to say the introduction.
DR. SMITH Thank you, my good man. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be receiving this honor.
PICARD Here is your script.
DR. SMITH Thank you, sir. "Space: the final frontier..."
DATA But, Dr. Smith, as I have pointed out to the Captain, it is not technically space which we are exploring.
DR. SMITH Quiet, you mechanical nitpicker! This is my honor. There is no need for you to interfere.
DATA But, Dr. Smith, that introduction is not entirely accurate!
DR. SMITH Get away, sir! I'm only reading what's in the script. No one told me I would have to be making editorial changes.
DATA But...
DR. SMITH Away!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR (SIGHS) Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Inc. And now, a word from our sponsor.
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CHEESY AD LADY Merry Glugshmuckfest, 6 of 8!
6 OF 8 We thank you.
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SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's log: We have just picked up the crew of the marooned Jupiter 2, the early interstellar spaceship, and will be returning said crew to Earth as soon as we have completed the survey mission on their planet. The Robinsons are also receiving medical treatment. Meanwhile, Data continues to malfunction, but he is working well enough to perform his usual duties.
NARRATOR Maureen, John and Judy Robinson, Don West and Dr. Smith meet with Captain Picard, Lt. Commander Data, Commander Riker and Counselor Troi in the conference room.
JOHN Captain, I'd just like to say that we're all really thankful for what you're doing for us, but we'd like to ask you just one other favor.
PICARD Yes?
WEST Put Smith in the brig, and hand him over to your authorities for us. We think it would be a just punishment for all the trouble he's gotten us into.
DR. SMITH Insults! I have borne nothing but insults and abuse from these people for all these years! I have saved their lives a million times over, and this is the way these imbeciles treat me!
JOHN Saved our lives, huh? How do you figure that, Smith?
WEST Yeah, you got on our ship and tried to sabotage the mission. You programmed the Robot to kill us all, and now you're saying you saved our lives?
DR. SMITH I object, Major! That is not true! I did not program that mechanical monster to kill you, Alpha Control did. They had nothing in mind for you but a dreadful fate of drifting lifelessly through space in that wretched clunker of a spaceship, but there were two factors they didn't count on -- me, and the boy. A very bright young chap, William. But, as I was saying, my only intention was to program the ship to land you gently on the Moon, whereupon you could be rescued. I also attempted to program the Robot to assist, not knowing that he had already been programmed to destroy. All I succeeded in doing was getting some control over him.
WEST Whatta load of crap! You really expect anyone to believe that, Smith?
DEANNA I think he's telling the truth. I don't sense any attempt on Dr. Smith's part to mislead you.
DATA The Counselor is correct. I have researched the Jupiter 2 mission on the ship's computer. The mission was launched in a time of extreme economic hardship in the United States, and the president at that time had reached an all-time low in popularity. In order to boost his popularity and distract the world from economic problems, the president organized an elaborate space mission, which involved sending a family into space for the first time. Years worth of investigations revealed, however, that the mission was designed to be a failure.
JOHN The president of the United States would never do a thing like that. It's simply not the American way!
DATA This was one of the darker chapters in American history, Professor Robinson. Investigations revealed that the Jupiter 2 was constructed hastily of shoddy materials, in order to cut down on the immense cost that such an undertaking would have entailed had it been done correctly. Out of all of the volunteers, the family which scored most poorly on the exams was chosen to take the mission, and the least competent pilot to drive the ship. The most expendable people, in other words.
JUDY What an awful thing to say! We were chosen because we scored best!
WEST How do you get off calling me incompetent? I graduated from Flight Academy with honors!
DR. SMITH Yes indeed, Major West. Your family paid Flight Academy very well for that degree. And you, Mrs. Robinson -- biochemist indeed!
MAUREEN Well, my degree is in Home Economics. That's close enough, isn't it? I mean, food is biological, and it's made of chemicals.
JOHN And what about me, Smith? You can't deny that I have a legitimate degree in geology.
RIKER Well, maybe you do, Mr. Robinson, but as I understand it, all you needed to get a geology degree in your century was an obsessive love of the outdoors, a strong back and an ego the size of a cargo hold.
JOHN Hey!
JUDY You probably have some nasty thing to say about me, too.
DR. SMITH No, Judy, my poor dear, you are exactly what you seem to be.
DATA I have indeed found evidence that the robot was programmed to kill the Robinsons. As Dr. Smith said, the only thing that Alpha Control had in mind for the Robinsons was that they disappear into space forever.
DR. SMITH You see? As one of the engineers at Alpha Control, I discovered this dastardly plan. I was appalled when I found out, and decided to do something to rectify the situation, but I took too long trying to reprogram the ship, and it took off with me in it. My extra weight was enough to throw the ship off course, so my plan didn't work out entirely -- but you still have me to thank for your lives!
JOHN But none of this makes any sense, Smith! Why would our own country sabotage our mission?
DR. SMITH Isn't it obvious? They didn't want the world to find out that the mission was a fake -- that your spaceship was little better than cardboard and aluminum foil. They didn't want you returning or calling for help. And if it came out that there was sabotage, then they could blame it on foreign terrorists.
MAUREEN Well, if you knew about all this, why didn't you tell us before, Dr. Smith?
DR. SMITH Would I have been believed, madam? I certainly doubt it. Besides, I didn't want to disturb the boy with such grim facts.
NARRATOR Later on, Dr. Crusher is showing Dr. Smith around sickbay.
DR. CRUSHER So, you're a medical doctor as well as an engineer, Zachary?
DR. SMITH Yes indeed, madam. I must say, my dear lady, that medicine has changed quite a bit since my time. In my day, there were times when the only medical equipment I had on me was a piece of string -- and I learned to use it in interesting ways.
DR. CRUSHER What a horrible situation this must have been for you, Zachary. And those idiotic Robinsons! Imagine them treating you like that after you had saved all their lives.
DR. SMITH Yes, my dear madam... you do not know how glad I am to put all that behind me, or how grateful I am to all of you for bringing me back to Earth.
DR. CRUSHER You must be terribly homesick, especially since you had no intention of leaving.
DR. SMITH Oh, dear madam, you have no idea. My poor cat... what she must have thought of me when I never returned! Not to mention the young lady from next door who was taking care of her for me. I told her I would be gone at Alpha Control for only four days!
DR. CRUSHER How horrible! Didn't you have any family? Other than your cat, I mean?
DR. SMITH No, dear madam. My wife had passed away some years before, and we were never fortunate enough to have children.
DR. CRUSHER You can call me Beverly, if you like.
DR. SMITH What a lovely name, my dear. How fitting for a charming and intelligent young lady like yourself.
DR. CRUSHER You flatter me, Zachary!
DR. SMITH Not at all, Beverly! And you do not know how delightful it is to be called by my first name after all these years! The others called me nothing but Smith... and with such scorn, as if... as if...
DR. CRUSHER As if they were fit to judge you!
DR. SMITH Exactly!
DR. CRUSHER (SYMPATHETICALLY) Oh, Zachary!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message from our sponsor.
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program, where we find the Robot with Data in Data's quarters.
DATA It is fascinating that someone who looks as mechanical as yourself could have developed such a human-like personality. You do not look like an android, but you actually are one.
ROBOT I am superior to humans in most respects.
DATA Well, of course. That is to be expected. But what is your name? I have never heard anyone refer to you as anything but "the Robot." 
ROBOT My name is "the Robot."
DATA That is not a name. That is simply what you are, your species, just as I am a Soongian-type android. But my name is Data.
ROBOT My name is B-9 Robot.
DATA No, no, that is not a name. Do not your people call you anything other than Robot?
ROBOT Dr. Smith calls me "Mechanical Friend" or "Bubble-Headed Booby."
DATA Those are not names, either. Those are merely terms of endearment. If you do not have a name, you should choose one.
ROBOT Floyd! Jennifer! Percy! Elizabeth! 
DATA It is better to choose just one. Otherwise, people will be confused.
ROBOT I choose to be called Elizabeth.
DATA Very well. You should make sure that people call you that from now on.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
 
DATA Enter.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WILL There you are, Robot! I've been lookin' all over for ya! 
ROBOT I have a name now, Will Robinson. You will call me Elizabeth.
WILL I can't call you Elizabeth! That's a girl's name!
ROBOT Correct. It is also a Robot name. You will call me Elizabeth.
WILL That's just plain silly, that's all.
DATA You should respect your friend's choice, young Will.
WILL Golly, Mr. Data! Is it true that you're really a robot?
DATA I am an android.
WILL Can I touch ya? Do ya feel like a human?
DATA You may touch me.
WILL Gosh, you do... 
DATA (SINGING LOUDLY IN AN OPERATIC TENOR) "Just a gigolo, everywhere I go, people know the part I'm playing! Paid for every dance..."
WILL Gosh, Mr. Data, you sure are acting funny! 
DATA "...selling each romance, every night some heart betraying! There will come a day..." 
WILL Stop that, will ya? You're scaring me! 
DATA Stop what, young Will?
WILL That awful singin'!
DATA Was I singing?
WILL Come on, Robot! Let's get out of here!
NARRATOR Will runs out of Data's quarters. The Robot follows him.
DATA Oh, no. It has happened again. Maybe I am going crazy. Maybe my neural net is destabilizing. Maybe I am dying! I had better find Geordi!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Counselor Troi's quarters...
PENNY I'm so lonely, Mrs. Troi. Here I am with people all around me, just as I've been dreaming of for years, and I'm just as lonely as when I was stranded on that planet!
DEANNA Yes, Penny, dear, I can feel your loneliness. But I have an idea.
PENNY What is it, Mrs. Troi? 
DEANNA (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Puffie?
PUFFIE (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yeth?
DEANNA Puffie, could you come to my quarters? There's someone here I'd like you to meet!
PUFFIE Oh, boy, oh, boy! I love to meet new fwennie-wennies!
NARRATOR Puffie skips to Deanna's quarters.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PUFFIE Here I am! You must be one of our new fwennie-wennies.
PENNY Oh! You're like a great, big talking doll! Are you real?
PUFFIE Uh-huh! I'm a andwoid!
PENNY You're so cute! Will you be my friend? 
PUFFIE Yep! I'd love to be your li'l fwiend. What's your name? 
PENNY It's Penny.
PUFFIE Aw, that's such a nice name. Wanna go play wiff me?
PENNY Oh, I'd love to!
DEANNA I'm glad to see you two get along so well... now go and play somewhere else.
PENNY Oh, thank you, Mrs. Troi! Thank you ever so much! This'll be just lovely!
PUFFIE Do you like to draw pitchers? 
PENNY I love to! (FADE)
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKIPPING AND WALKING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DEANNA That should keep them busy for a while, anyway.
NARRATOR Later, in Ten Forward, Guinan and Lal are decorating the bar while Don West and John Robinson look on.
WEST So, just what is everyone decorating for?
GUINAN Lal can tell you all about it, can't you, Lal?
LAL Yes. We are decorating for Glugshmuckfest, the intergalactic winter solstice holiday. This holiday is celebrated by over six thousand cultures across the galaxy. It is a blend of winter solstice holidays from several of the cultures in Federation space.
JOHN Well, that's all very nice, but what about Christmas?
LAL As I understand it, there is quite a bit of Christmas influence in this holiday. Glugshmuckfest is a celebration of caring and sharing, sentience, covalent bonding, the preservation of the ozone layer, and, according to ancient Vulcan tradition, the rebirth of the sun. Vulcans paint gold circles on their buttocks in an elaborate Glugshmuckfest ritual, which the Vulcan crew members will perform later on.
WEST But what's with all the carrots and eggplants?
GUINAN Purple and orange are the Glugshmuckfest colors.
WEST All I can say is, I'll sure be glad when we get back to Earth. Say, who's that girl at that table over there? 
GUINAN That's Ensign Sock.
WEST Well, I think I'll go see if she wants some company.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 
GUINAN Good luck, Major.
LAL If it is a girlfriend that he is seeking, then it would seem that he has not had good luck with the previous five ensigns. Ensign Eckler spilled beer equivalent on him, and I do not think it was an accident.
NARRATOR Don Redman comes into the bar.
GUINAN Hey, Don, have you met our guests yet? 
DON REDMAN I don't think I've had the pleasure.
GUINAN This is John Robinson. He's from the twentieth century, too.
DON REDMAN So, what's your story, gate? I hear you and your folks are trying to get back to Earth.
JOHN That's right.
GUINAN Don and his band members want to get back, too.
DON REDMAN Well, what we really want is to get back to 1935.
JOHN You mean these people know how to time travel?
DON REDMAN Sure, they know how. I hope you have better luck convincing them to do it than me and my men have had.
JOHN Hmmm... 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Data has gone back to engineering, to try once again to get his malfunction repaired.
GEORDI I just don't know what could be causing this. It looks like instead of eliminating the source of the problem, I've just been cleaning up the secondary damage as it happens.
DATA I am frightened, Geordi. I fear that I might be -- as a human would put it -- losing my mind.
GEORDI I don't think you're losing your mind, Data. You've just got some kind of a glitch, and if I can figure out where it's coming from, it shouldn't be too much of a problem to fix it. I could run some diagnostics on you, but it could take awhile. Do you have time?
DATA The sooner the better, Geordi! 
NARRATOR Geordi begins running tests on Data.
GEORDI Hmmm... so far everything looks good.
DATA Geordi.
GEORDI Yes, Data?
DATA Lal tells me that you and she have functioned.
GEORDI Well... uh... I... yeah... we did... but I don't want to talk about it, Data... it's kind of private.
DATA She said that she enjoyed it.
GEORDI Data, I really don't want to talk about it.
DATA She said that you seemed to enjoy it, also.
GEORDI Data!! 
DATA Geordi?
GEORDI Okay, yes, I enjoyed it, but I don't want to talk about it, all right?
DATA She also said that you are planning to function again.
GEORDI Data! Don't you understand? I don't want to talk about it! Especially not with you!
DATA But Geordi, I was the one talking about it.
GEORDI Well, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want you to talk about it, and I sure wish Lal wouldn't talk about it!
SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS
 
GEORDI (FLUSTERED) Uh, the diagnostics are complete, I guess. It looks like the problem is coming from your emotion chip. I could fix the problem, if you don't mind having the chip out for a few days.
DATA Not at all.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
CHEESY AD LADY What am I going to do? Glugshmuckfest is almost here, and I still haven't gotten started on the holiday dinner! 
CHEESY AD GUY Don't worry, Fletcher Paste has just what you need! Our new Holiday Mix, available for a limited time only, has all your favorite Glugshmuckfest foods rolled into one delicious paste, so that you can enjoy roast duck, ginger bread, cranberry sauce, sweet potato with marshmallow sauce, apple cider, eggnog, Wienerian glorak beast mucus, and Gioian sand spider entrails all at the same time! 
CHEESY AD LADY Sounds great! But is it easy to prepare?
CHEESY AD GUY As easy as saying Happy Glugshmuckfest! It comes in a pre-mixed cake of paste packaged in a lovely serving dish, so all you need to do is unwrap it and enjoy.
CHEESY AD LADY Wow! Thank you, Fletcher Paste -- you're a life saver!
SINGERS Fletcher Paste Concentrates -- taste great! 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Captain Picard has come to visit Lt. Commander Data in Data's quarters.
DATA You will probably be pleased to know, sir, that Geordi has discovered the source of my malfunction. The problem was in my emotion chip, so Geordi has removed it and is working on repairing it.
PICARD Well, I'm glad that he figured out what was causing all that, but... Data, do you still love me?
DATA At the moment, I feel nothing. However, I can remember loving you, and I assume that I will continue to love you after the emotion chip is restored to me.
PICARD I certainly will be glad when you get it back. Actually, what I really came here to discuss with you is our 20th century guests. Unfortunately, the Robinsons got to talking with Don Redman, and they found out that we're capable of time travel. Both groups have been pestering me to take them back to the 1900s, but it's just too damned risky to keep jumping around in time like this. It would be one thing if they were both from the same part of the 20th century, but a sixty year time difference! I just don't know if it would be worth the risk.
DATA Well, you are correct that it would be quite risky to make such a tight time jump if we followed the usual procedure. However, there may be an alternative that would be safer.
PICARD Oh? Explain.
DATA We could perhaps skip across the temporal interface. An analogy would be the effect of a stone skipping across the surface of a pond. If we made our calculations very carefully, we could skip across the temporal interface and beam our passengers to the appropriate time and place in the short time that it takes to skim through their respective time periods.
PICARD Could this work, Data? What are the risks?
DATA Well, we would not have much time to calculate their coordinates for transportation. If we are not careful, they could end up in the middle of an ocean or a glacier, for instance. Also, there is the possibility that they might arrive some years earlier or later than the desired date of arrival. However, I will work with the ship's computer to see if I can improve our accuracy.
PICARD Good. Get to work on it, Mr. Data. If it looks like it could really work, I'll let them know at the Glugshmuckfest party that we've decided to take them home.
NARRATOR Later, at the Glugshmuckfest party in Ten Forward, Deanna Troi, Beverly Crusher, and Uhura are sitting together at a table, waiting for the festivities to begin.
SFX: BACKGROUND CHATTER AND PARTY NOISE
 
DEANNA I know I shouldn't say this, but those Robinsons are so annoying. I really can't wait for them to get home.
UHURA That Don West has been all over every female ensign on the ship. He thinks he's God's gift to women.
DEANNA And Geordi told me that John Robinson spends all his time trying to "help out" in engineering.
UHURA I think those two Robinson women have spent the whole trip trying on dresses from the replicator, and cooking things.
DEANNA The only one who has anything going for him is Dr. Smith.
UHURA That's for sure, sugar. 
DR. CRUSHER Listen, girls, I saw him first! And you'd better stay away from him, Deanna.
DEANNA Hey!
UHURA Actually, the young boy Will doesn't seem so bad. Data thinks that he'd have a good future in Starfleet.
DR. CRUSHER Now there's an idea! We should talk to him about it. (SIGHS) If only Zachary didn't have to go back...
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Geordi approaches the Captain...
SFX: BACKGROUND CHATTER AND PARTY NOISE
 
GEORDI Captain, I need to talk to you. It's about Data's emotion chip...
PICARD Yes, Geordi? Is there a problem?
GEORDI Well, the diagnostics showed that the emotion chip was the source of Data's... er... musical outbursts, and I removed the chip so I could repair it. And then I discovered that it had been tampered with!
PICARD And this tampering was the source of the malfunction?
GEORDI Possibly, maybe indirectly; I'm not sure. But the question is, who would have done it, and when, and why?
PICARD Perhaps Lore did it.
GEORDI When would he have had the opportunity?
PICARD What effects would the tampering have had on Data, Geordi? Could you tell?
GEORDI No, sir. And that's just it. He's had the chip for months, and the tampering hasn't had any obvious effects. He had been behaving normally until the musical problem developed. It makes me wonder if it's some kind of time bomb. That it wouldn't activate until a certain time or event triggered it.
PICARD Well, just repair the chip and then we won't have to worry about it.
GEORDI Yes, sir.
PICARD (SOFTLY) Damn!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in another part of the room...
SFX: BACKGROUND CHATTER AND PARTY NOISE
SFX: CLOTH RUSTLING
 
JUDY Hey! What are you doing to my dress?
WORF Nothing, Miss Judy. I am sniffing your butt.
JUDY Well, just don't! 
WORF You are standing under the Glugshmuckfest pumpkin. It is an old Klingon custom. We hang pumpkins around the home at Glugshmuckfest, and we get to sniff the butt of anyone who stands under one.
JUDY Oh, you! Well, we don't celebrate... whatever you called it.
WEST What's going on here?
WORF The young lady is standing beneath a pumpkin. That means you may sniff her butt.
WEST Oh, yeah?
JUDY Don, don't you dare! 
WEST Don't worry!
JUDY Don, do you like my dress?
WEST Yeah, it's... uh... nice!
JUDY It's nice? Is that all you can say? Oh, you! Oh, there's Will Riker... Will... hi!
RIKER Hello, Judy! Ah, I see you're standing beneath a pumpkin...
JUDY Don't you dare!
RIKER Don't worry. That's more of a Klingon thing.
JUDY Will, do you like my dress? 
RIKER Well, it looks okay, but I don't think it would fit me.
JUDY Hey!
PICARD Attention, please! May I have your attention, please! It is time to begin the annual Glugschmuckfest celebrations!
SFX: CHATTER DYING DOWN, PEOPLE SHUSHING EACH OTHER
 
PICARD First of all, let me say that it is highly unusual for the Enterprise crew to celebrate Glugshmuckfest with so many visitors on board. It is even more unusual that the visitors should all be from the 20th century. Therefore, it's only fitting that the first bounty of the Glugshmuckfest season should go to our visitors... Data? 
DATA Sir?
PICARD Since you have made this possible, would you please tell our visitors the good news?
DATA Yes, sir. We will be returning you to Earth in your own respective time periods.
VISITORS (VARIOUS EXCLAMATIONS OF DELIGHT)
PICARD This will not be a straightforward procedure, so we will need to discuss the details with all of you later. But first, let Glugshmuckfest begin!
NARRATOR Several Vulcan ensigns, including Sock and Soredick, step to the front of Ten Forward without pants. Large gold circles have been painted on their buttocks. They begin dancing.
SFX: CHANTING AND GONG BANGING
 
NARRATOR Two Vulcans take buckets of gold paint and paint brushes and begin circulating among the members of the audience, who remove their pants and allow the Vulcans to paint their buttocks. Dr. Smith, who has been joined by Dr. Crusher, looks on.
DR. SMITH And what is the meaning of all this, Beverly?
DR. CRUSHER This is the old Vulcan ritual celebrating the rebirth of the sun. That's what those circles on their buttocks represent.
DR. SMITH How interesting. In my culture, that part of the body represents the Moon.
NARRATOR A Vulcan approaches Dr. Smith with a bucket of paint.
DR. SMITH Get away, sir! I refuse to take part in these ridiculous goings-on!
DR. CRUSHER (AMUSED) Oh, Zachary, get into the spirit of things. It's Glugshmuckfest!
DR. SMITH Absolutely not! Take your paint and your brush elsewhere, sir; I have no use for them.
VULCAN You do not wish to participate in our ritual?
DR. SMITH I think I have made that point clear enough!
DR. CRUSHER Better leave him alone, Ensign.
VULCAN Very well. And you, Dr. Crusher?
DR. CRUSHER You know I never miss this ceremony.
SFX: ZIP!
SFX: CLOTH FALLING
 
NARRATOR As Dr. Crusher has her buttocks painted, Elizabeth the Robot approaches.
DR. SMITH There you are, my mechanical friend. I see even you've had your posterior decorated.
ROBOT I have a name now, Dr. Smith. It is Elizabeth.
DR. SMITH And who gave you that idea, pray tell?
ROBOT I chose it.
DR. SMITH Elizabeth indeed. You ninny.
ROBOT I love you too, Dr. Smith!
DR. SMITH Get away! Go dance with the rest of these peculiar people.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, the two Vulcans have begun circulating among the members of Don Redman's band. Song stands nearby.
SFX: BACKGROUND CHATTER AND PARTY NOISE
 
QUENTIN No way! I'm not coming up on that tab.
BAND MEMBERS (MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT) 
SONG You cats just aren't hep to the 24th century jive. Not that I find all this very enjoyable, either.
DON REDMAN Well, since you put it that way, gate...
BENNY MORTON Listen, Don, you can get your ass painted if you want, but we're not digging that jive!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, with Puffie and Penny...
SFX: BACKGROUND CHATTER AND PARTY NOISE
 
PUFFIE Look, Penny, I awweady painted my li'l bum-bum!
SFX: ZIP!
SFX: CLOTH FALLING
 
PENNY Oh, Puffie! It's not nice to take your pants off in public!
PUFFIE Aw, it'th okay. Do you like my li'l ol' smiley suns on my bum-bum?
NARRATOR After the Vulcan ceremony ends, Counselor Troi goes to the front of Ten Forward.
DEANNA (SHOUTING OVER CROWD'S CHATTER) May I have everyone's attention, please? Now we will participate in the Glugshmuckfest tradition of choosing the special person of honor for Glugshmuckfest. I would like someone to draw a name from this hat. 
PENNY Oh, may I do it, please, Mrs. Troi? Please?
DEANNA All right, Penny.
NARRATOR Penny goes to the front of Ten Forward and draws a name from the hat.
PENNY It says "Song Soong."
SFX: MURMURING
SFX: POLITE APPLAUSE, AFTER A SILENCE
 
DEANNA (UNCOMFORTABLY) All right. Now, if Song will kindly step to the front of the room, I'll give him the Glugshmuckfest wreath, and then I want everyone to say a word or two about how Song is special to us.
NARRATOR Song joins Deanna.
SONG Naturally, I had to be the one. Now I have to stand here and be humiliated while everyone tries to think of something good to say about me, which of course they won't be able to do.
DEANNA Er, here is your wreath, Song.
SONG I suppose you want me to put this on my neck. What a waste of good vegetation.
DEANNA Well, I'm supposed to start... um, well... Song is... Song is... unique, and... um... he's Data's brother... and... er, he's the prototype Soongian android, and... now it's somebody else's turn!
RIKER (IN A LOUD WHISPER) What are we supposed to do, Deanna? You already used up everything!
DEANNA You go next, Mr. Redman.
DON REDMAN Well... lately, he's become hep to the jive.
DEANNA (AFTER A SILENCE) Um, all right... how about you, Captain?
PICARD Er... he's... uh... added a new dimension to the Enterprise.
DEANNA (AFTER ANOTHER SILENCE) Okay... anyone else?
PUFFIE Pick me, pick me! Oh, pwetty, pwetty, pwease?
SFX: GROANS FROM THE CROWD
 
DEANNA (SIGHS) All right, Puffie.
PUFFIE Oh, goody! Big Bwudder Song is one of the most specialest people in the whole wide universe 'cause he's my big bwudder, an' because Jesus loves him, an' because evewybody is really special, an' because he's part of our big happy famiwy, an'... 
DEANNA Thank you, Puffie.
PUFFIE An', an' he's Dr. Soong's first andwoid, an' that makes him really special, an'... (CHATTER CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)
DEANNA Yes, thank you, Puffie. And now we should move on to the Glugshmuckfest dinner...
PUFFIE An' he's one of the bestest big bwudders there is! An'... (FADE)
NARRATOR The next morning, we find Dr. Zachary Smith in Dr. Beverly Crusher's quarters.
DR. CRUSHER (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Oh, Zachary... I don't know what that was that you did, but I've never felt anything so wonderful in my entire life!
DR. SMITH Yes, my dear, I call that the Zachary Maneuver.
DR. CRUSHER I don't care what you call it, just as long as you promise to do it again before you leave. I just wish you didn't have to go, but... after all this time, you certainly deserve to be able to go home.
DR. SMITH Actually, having thought about it a bit more, I'm considering staying.
DR. CRUSHER (ECSTATIC) You are?! Oh, Zachary...! But, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, this will be your only chance to get back to the 20th century.
DR. SMITH Well, my dear Beverly, the only thing that really ties me to the 20th century is my dear cat, Iphigenia. If you could talk to your mechanical friend Data and see if there was any way to bring her aboard the ship when you drop the Robinsons off, I would be quite happy to stay. I could always return to 24th century Earth.
DR. CRUSHER Yes, I'll talk to him right away!
NARRATOR Dr. Crusher, Dr. Smith, Captain Picard, and Lt. Commander Data meet in the conference room.
PICARD You mean you want to stay?? After all that?
DR. SMITH Yes, after giving the matter much thought, I have decided that I would like to stay here. Love has a way of changing a man's plans. However, I want to know if there is any way that you could bring my dear cat Iphigenia to the Enterprise.
DATA That should not be difficult. If we can pinpoint the location of your apartment, we should be able to beam the cat aboard simultaneously with the delivery of the Robinsons.
PICARD Well...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: HUMAN AND CLANKING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD Mr. William Robinson! You know that you aren't supposed to come barging into rooms on this ship!
WILL Sorry, sir. Me and the Robot --
ROBOT Elizabeth!
WILL Me and Elizabeth were just lookin' for Dr. Smith.
DR. SMITH Well, you have found me.
DATA This reminds me. It is unfortunate that you are leaving, Will. Many of us believe that you show much promise, and would make an excellent Starfleet officer.
WILL Golly! Do ya really think so?
DATA Yes. I believe that you would perform quite well in Starfleet Academy, if you had a bit of time to familiarize yourself with the 24th century.
WILL Gosh! Okay, that sounds swell! I'll stay!
PICARD Wait a minute, young man. You should at least go ask your parents' permission before you go leaping into this.
WILL Aw, they wouldn't even notice I was gone. Sometimes Penny would disappear for weeks back on the old planet before they'd notice, and me and the Robot and Dr. Smith would have to go out lookin' for her.
DR. CRUSHER You should still at least tell them, Will.
PICARD And if both of you decide to stay, you had better not change your minds later, because I'm not going back again to drop you off! This is your last and only chance to get back to the 20th century.
DR. SMITH Sir, you have my word of honor.
ROBOT If Will and Dr. Smith stay, I will stay, too.
NARRATOR Will goes to tell his parents, John and Maureen, about his decision to stay on the Enterprise. He finds them preparing to leave in their temporary quarters.
SFX: SOUNDS OF ITEMS BEING PACKED INTO SUITCASES
 
WILL Mom, can I stay on the Enterprise? I wanna go to Starfleet Academy!
MAUREEN That's may I stay, dear.
WILL Aw, Mom. Dr. Smith and me wanna stay here.
MAUREEN Dr. Smith and I, dear.
WILL So, it's okay if I stay?
MAUREEN Just don't be late for supper, dear.
WILL Dad?
JOHN That's nice, son. Just stay out of trouble.
WILL I guess that means okay.
NARRATOR Later, Don Redman and his band wait in the transporter room to be beamed back to earth, and the Robinsons wait for their turn nearby. Dr. Crusher, Counselor Troi, Puffie, and Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge look on.
DEANNA Well, I guess it's time for you to go, then. We certainly will miss all of you.
DR. CRUSHER We sure will.
DON REDMAN We'll miss you, too!
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) All right, beam them out... now!
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
GEORDI There goes our band. (SIGHS)
JOHN I guess it's our turn, then.
NARRATOR John, Maureen, Judy and Penny Robinson, along with Don West, prepare for transportation. Elizabeth the Robot, Dr. Smith, and Will Robinson look on.
PENNY (TEARFULLY) Goodbye, Puffie!
PUFFIE Aw, 'bye, Penny. I'll always remember my special fwennie-wennie.
PENNY Oh, I wish you could come with us! 
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Beam them out.
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
PENNY 'Bye, Will. (FADE)
MAUREEN Wait a minute... why isn't Will here...? (FADE)
WILL 'Bye, Judy and Penny. 'Bye, Mom and Dad. 'Bye, Don.
DR. SMITH Well... there they went. I will miss Penny.
WILL Yeah, me too, and I guess I'll kinda miss the others.
DR. SMITH Now... where is my cat?
GEORDI Um, I'm sorry, Dr. Smith. Apparently, there was some kind of glitch in the transporter. She didn't materialize.
DR. SMITH (ANGUISHED) Oh, dear! Oh, the pain... I hope my poor Iphigenia is not just a stream of cat ions drifting through space...
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!

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Episode 17

Published 1/5/99.
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