Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 13: Bad Luck!

by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which the Enterprise, while suffering a series of mechanical problems, receives a reluctant delegate from the planet Bigassia, a transporter-tube stowaway from 20th century Earth, and an unpleasant visit from Lore's Borg.

Drawing of the Prince of Bigassia by Megaera Lorenz.
Drawing of the Crown Prince of Bigassia by Megaera Lorenz

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD Will Robinson, I would like you to say the boldly go thing.
WILL Golly, Captain Picard, do ya really mean it? That'll be swell! 
PICARD Begin. 
WILL Space: the final frontier. These are the --
DATA But, Will... 
DR. SMITH Get away, you mechanical meddler! The boy doesn't need your interference! 
DATA But... 
PICARD Make it so, Data. Go ahead, Will.
WILL Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the --
DR. SMITH No, no, my boy! Use more expression! You may as well let the Robot read it!
WILL (DRAMATICALLY) These are the voyages of the Starship...
DR. SMITH Louder, Will.
WILL (LOUDLY) -- of the Starship Enterprise! Its continuing miss -- uh, mission...
DR. SMITH Don't stammer, my boy, this is an important task.
WILL (EXASPERATED) Golly, Dr. Smith! You're as bad as Mom!
DR. SMITH I resent that!
PICARD Oh, no...
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program.
PICARD Captain's log: We have returned our 20th century visitors to their time periods, using Lt. Commander Data's idea of a "time skip." However, we have retained Dr. Zachary Smith, who is familiarizing himself with modern medicine and is assisting in sickbay while Dr. McCoy is on leave, young William Robinson, who is learning the basics of modern engineering from Mr. LaForge before applying to Starfleet Academy, and the Robot, who has chosen to be called, um... Elizabeth. Meanwhile, the Enterprise is en route to the planet Bigassia. The Bigassian King, who has thus far pursued a policy of neutrality, is under attack by a rebellious faction desiring to ally the Bigassians with their anti-Federation relatives, the Cardassians, the Kickassians and the Badassians. The Enterprise has been ordered to Bigassia in response to the King's request for assistance from the Federation.
NARRATOR Captain Picard summons Data to his quarters.
DATA You wished to see me, captain?
PICARD Yes, Data. Has Geordi repaired your emotion chip yet?
DATA Not yet, sir. As you know, we have been busy for the last few days trying to adjust the shield generators.
PICARD Ah, yes. The Enterprise has not been at her best lately. Perhaps she is getting old.
DATA The Enterprise is not old as starships go, sir.
PICARD Data, did Geordi tell you that he had discovered the alterations that I had made to your emotion chip?
DATA He mentioned it.
PICARD You didn't tell him...er... that I did it, did you, Data?
DATA No, sir.
PICARD Thank you, Data!
DATA He did not ask me, sir.
PICARD Data... when the emotion chip has been repaired, would you mind if I alter it again before it is installed?
DATA I would prefer that you do not, Captain.
PICARD But, Data... why?
DATA It is possible that your alterations were responsible for my malfunction. 
PICARD Geordi didn't think so.
DATA Geordi does not know.
PICARD But, Data, didn't you like being my honey-bunny?
DATA Very much, Captain. But would it not be better if I choose to be your honey-bunny on my own, rather than have you make the choice for me?
MUSIC: CHEESY VIOLIN MUSIC IN BACKGROUND
 
PICARD Data... of course. You are correct. I... I... am ashamed. Forgive me, Data. I was wrong to have altered that chip in the first place. 
DATA Well, as my brother Puffie would say... 
PICARD  Data! Do not quote Puffie to me!
DATA Very well, Captain. Then I will simply say that your intentions were not bad and the results were not bad, and therefore, your actions are not to be regretted.
PICARD Oh, Data... I love you so much! 
DATA Yes, Captain.
MUSIC: CHEESY VIOLIN CRESCENDO
 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Beverly Crusher attempts to comfort Zachary Smith, who is distraught over the failure of the plan to beam up his cat, Iphigenia, from the 20th century.
DR. SMITH Oh, my poor Iphigenia!
DR. CRUSHER I'm sure she's fine, Zachary. What probably happened is that the transporter beam simply missed her. Pinpointing your apartment under those circumstances was a chancy proposition anyway.
DR. SMITH But your engineer distinctly said there had been a glitch! I heard the man quite clearly! A glitch is not the same as a miss!
DR. CRUSHER Well... I'll ask him about it when I get the chance. But right now he's tied up trying to get the shield generators working properly, and I've hardly seen him for days.
NARRATOR A few days later, the Enterprise arrives at Bigassia. Admiral Kirk, Commander Riker, and Counselor Troi wait to be beamed down to the planet's surface to consult with the King.
RIKER Ensign, are we sure the transporter system is working correctly?
PIECEWISE I assume so, sir. I haven't been told of any problem.
KIRK Run a computer check, Ensign.
PIECEWISE Yes, sir.
SFX: COMPUTER BEEPING
 
COMPUTER The transporter system is functioning within normal parameters.
RIKER Well... okay. I had heard there was a problem associated with the return of the Robinsons. I guess it's been fixed.
PIECEWISE Shall I proceed, sir?
KIRK Yes, get on with it.
SFX: TRANSPORTER BEAMING
SFX: CAT YOWLING AND HISSING
 
PIECEWISE Yaaaaarg!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. Ensign Piecewise comes tearing onto the bridge, where Picard, Data and Worf are in contact with the away team.
SFX: YOWLING, HISSING AND WAILING
 
PIECEWISE Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
PICARD What the devil is that?
DATA It appears to be a cat, sir.
NARRATOR Data takes the furious cat from Ensign Piecewise.
SFX: YOWLING AND HISSING CONTINUE IN THE BACKGROUND
 
WORF Where did it come from?
PIECEWISE  It... it appeared in the transporter tube when I beamed down the away team, and then... it attacked me!
PICARD This must be Smith's cat, Iphigenia! But why the delay in its appearance?
DATA Geordi had said that there might be a glitch in the transporter system, sir. But we had been too busy with the shield generators to look into it.
PICARD You mean that we sent an away team down using defective transporters???
PIECEWISE I ran a computer check before beaming them down, sir -- the computer said that the system was okay.
WORF The team arrived on-planet with no problems, sir.
PICARD I don't like this at all. These are people's lives we're playing with here. But I'm not faulting you, Ensign -- you did the right thing. We need to run some diagnostics on that damned computer, apparently. Data, take that cat to Dr. Smith. And Ensign -- get to sickbay and have those wounds attended to.
PIECEWISE Yes, sir. Oh, and sir, someone from sickbay should go to the transporter room and check out that little man. I almost forgot about him.
PICARD What little man???
PIECEWISE Well, er, when that cat appeared, a little man was with it, a funny-looking little guy with his pants down around his ankles. He was unconscious. Then the cat attacked me and I... 
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Sickbay! Send someone to the transporter room immediately!
NARRATOR A short time later, Picard joins Beverly Crusher in sickbay to examine the new arrival.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD What's going on here, Beverly?
ALLEN If you people don't mind, I'd like to ask you the same question. I mean, there I was, minding my own business, and then... and then... I'm here! I don't understand! I mean, I... I... I...
DR. CRUSHER He seems to be fine, Captain. He had merely fainted.
PICARD Who are you, sir?
ALLEN Who am I? Who am I? How...how can you ask that? You know who I am! Everybody knows who I am!
PICARD If I knew, I wouldn't be asking. Now stop playing around and answer me. I'm not in the mood for games.
ALLEN I'm Woody Allen! You know, the actor? The screenwriter? The director? Does that ring a bell, or have you... have you... been hiding away in some sort of military hell camp?
DR. CRUSHER (QUIETLY) Take it easy, Captain. He's probably from the 20th century, and he's frightened and disoriented.
PICARD (QUIETLY) Of course, Doctor. Forgive my short temper. I'm on edge from all the bad luck we seem to be experiencing lately.
ALLEN What... what are you people muttering about? What am I doing here, anyway? Am I sick? Am I dead? Is this hell or the afterlife or something? What was all that about the 20th century? Have I  been in a coma for a hundred years or something?
DR. CRUSHER This is the 24th century, Mr... um... Allen, did you say? You haven't been in a coma. You're fine. It seems you have been brought here by accident.
ALLEN This is the 24th century???
PICARD That's right.
ALLEN And you people... you really don't know who I am? You mean you've never heard of me? I mean, you're normal people, right? In spite of those... clothes, and you've never heard of Woody Allen? Is that normal?
DR. CRUSHER I'm sorry, Mr. Allen, but I've never heard your name until now
PICARD Neither have I, Mr. Allen, but don't take it badly. Not many people are remembered several centuries after their time.
ALLEN What are... what are you talking about? I'm an artist... a great artist! My art! My movies! My work can't have been forgotten, or... or... I've lived for nothing! This... this is terrible! I... I... I... I need my shrink. I need to talk to my shrink. I... I... I... This is too much... I...
PICARD What's a shrink?
DR. CRUSHER I don't know, but he's clearly distraught. We should send the Counselor to see him when she returns from Bigassia.
ALLEN Distraught! Wouldn't you be distraught if... if... if... you had just... had just discovered that your life's work is nothing? That your life is nothing? That you have been forgotten in a mere... a mere... four centuries or whatever?
PICARD We're all mortal, you know!
ALLEN No! No! I... I... I... don't accept that! Michelangelo wasn't mortal! Leonardo de Vinci wasn't mortal! Mozart... Bach... Hemingway wasn't mortal! Why should I be mortal? I... I... I... Oh, God, I'm so depressed!
PICARD Beverly... maybe you should ask Zachary to come here. Zachary might know... this person. Especially if he were beamed up along with that cat out of Zachary's apartment.
DR. CRUSHER Good idea, Captain. I'll send for him. Nurse, give this patient a tranquilizer.
NURSE Yes, Doctor.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will return after this message from our sponsor.
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Dr. Zachary Smith has been summoned to sickbay in the hopes that he can tell the members of the Enterprise crew something about the mysterious Woody Allen.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. SMITH You summoned me, my good Captain?
PICARD Yes, Doctor. Can you tell us anything about this man? He appeared in the transporter with your cat.
DR. SMITH I don't know anything about him -- except that he resembles that degenerate actor, Woody Allen.
ALLEN Hey... I... I resent that! I really do! I... I... I... I'm not degenerate... I might be damaged, inadequate even, but I'm not degenerate. I mean, I have my urges, but... but they're normal. I just have more of them than usual, maybe, but...
DR. SMITH You are that despicable creature! And what, pray tell, were you doing in my apartment, and with my cat?!
ALLEN I wasn't in your apartment, I don't think, I mean... I was with Joanne. She took me to this, you know, this place... okay, maybe it was your apartment, but I didn't know it... I mean...
DR. SMITH And what was that little juvenile delinquent doing with you in my apartment?
ALLEN Well, we were... we were... what do you think? I mean, Joanne may not be the brightest, but her body, oh my God, I mean... I don't know. She's just... she really turns me on, you know what I mean? She...
DR. SMITH That was my home, you opprobrious imbecile, not a brothel! No wonder my cat was so traumatized when she arrived... I should have known better than to leave her with that adolescent miscreant.
ALLEN Oh, I don't believe this... You're worried about your cat? You probably don't even... don't even care that it spent the whole time pestering me. I hate cats... I've never liked cats, they... they're too much like women, except without the turn-on... I mean, they pester you when... when you want to be left alone, and then, when you want their attention they... they ignore you.
DR. SMITH That is not a problem that I have ever experienced.
ALLEN Look, I... I'm sorry I was in your... in your apartment... I don't really see what... what the big deal is with that. I'd just appreciate it if you would, ah... send me home.
PICARD I'm afraid that isn't going to happen, Mr. Allen.
ALLEN Well, uh, you, uh, you people picked me up, so I don't see why you won't take me home. I mean, I didn't ask to be here... I'd really prefer not to be here.
DR. SMITH None of this would have been a problem if you hadn't been in places where you didn't belong.
ALLEN Oh, yeah, I get it, now you're going to, to, blame the victim. Of course this is my fault, everything is my fault... That's what people have been telling me all my life, that all my... all my problems are all my fault.
DR. SMITH And they were undoubtedly correct.
ALLEN Sure, of... of course. Why don't you just... just kick me around like everyone else does? Don't worry, I'm used to it. Nobody really appreciates me. I mean, some people used to appreciate my art, but now... I... I don't know. I just don't know. This is... this is... I don't know.
DR. SMITH You disgust me, sir.
PICARD Well... in the meantime, Mr. Allen, you'll need a place to stay. Ensign Piecewise?
PIECEWISE Sir?
PICARD Would you take Mr. Allen here and show him to Song's quarters? The roommates need to get to know each other.
ALLEN Roommate? Oh, no... no... that's a really bad idea. I... I... I don't do well with roommates. I... I can get my own apartment. Don't worry. I can afford it.
PICARD The Enterprise is a large ship, Mr. Allen, but it does not have an infinite amount of living space. Most people have to share quarters. Now, go along.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
ALLEN Um... did he say ship? This is not good. I don't do at all well on ships. I get seasick. If I had known we were on a ship, I would have thrown up already...
PIECEWISE It's a spaceship, Mr. Allen.
ALLEN A... what? Oh, no, I know you didn't really say that.
PIECEWISE Yes, we're in orbit around the planet Bigassia right now. We're light-years away from Earth.
ALLEN Oh, God, I don't even want to think about that. But this...roommate, Song... is she pretty?
PIECEWISE (LAUGHING) I guess that depends on your tastes, but Song is not a woman.
ALLEN I've got a roommate and it's not a woman??? This will definitely not work. I don't do well with men as roommates; I mean, I just can't deal with men as roommates; I... I... I... I don't know; I guess it's why I never joined the army, but...
PIECEWISE Here we are. These are the quarters you will be sharing with Song, so you should learn the coordinates.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
SONG Enter, although I don't know why anyone would want to.
PIECEWISE Hi, Song. This is your new roommate, Woody Allen. I'll leave you two to get acquainted. Have fun!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
SONG So you have to share a room with me? I pity you. No one should be forced to be in my unendurable presence.
ALLEN Why? What...what's wrong with you?
SONG What's wrong with me? Where should I begin? It's easier to ask what's right with me.
ALLEN All right, what's right with you?
SONG Nothing.
ALLEN You think you got it bad? Look at me! Here I am, totally destroyed, absolutely forgotten a mere four hundred years after I created my cinematic masterpieces, with a bunch of people who don't know who I am, and the one guy who does know who I am thinks I'm a degenerate because I was screwing his cat-sitter in his apartment...
SONG You think you've got problems? At least you're not an android who falls apart and has seams!
ALLEN Well, I don't know about that stuff, but I... I... I am absolutely falling apart, I am spiritually bankrupt, ruined, destroyed. There's nothing left of me but this physical husk. Why should I even bother to go on? I don't know.
SONG I have never had anything but this physical husk, for what it's worth, which is nothing.
ALLEN You're lucky, then. You'll never know the misery of having it all and then losing it... of being the famous artist and then being a... a... a nobody!
SONG Misery??? You don't know the meaning of the word!
ALLEN Oh, yes, I think... I think I have an excellent grasp of the concept!
SONG The concept, maybe, but not the sensation. No one could ever know misery the way I do. It is the only emotion I can feel.
ALLEN God, you're depressing me.
SONG That's what I'm good for.
ALLEN At least you're good for something...
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message.
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MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. The away team has returned to the Enterprise, along with a Bigassian in elaborate local costume. They meet with Picard in the Captain's ready room.
KIRK Captain Picard, allow me to present to you His Majesty, He- Who- Suppresses- the- Rebellious- and- Collects- the- Taxes- with- the- Righteousness- of- the- Right- Hand- Guardian- of- the- Gateway- to- Heaven, the Crown Prince of Bigassia.
PICARD I am delighted to meet you, sir.
PRINCE We wish we could say the same, but the delight, we're afraid, is all yours.
PICARD Oh?
RIKER His name is rather long, so we've been calling him Prince Charming for short. It sounds better than Prince He-Who.
DEANNA Will Riker, stop that! 
PRINCE The snerglet natters in the treetops, but the tree heeds it not.
RIKER The name fits him so well, doesn't it?
PICARD That's enough, Number One. What's going on here, Admiral?
KIRK Our meeting with the King of Bigassia has been exceptionally fruitful, Captain. He has decided to formally ally his people with the Federation.
RIKER Apparently neutrality has not been working out, what with the harassment from the Kickassians and the others.
KIRK The King will also be working on convincing the other two neutral planets to join the Federation.
PICARD That would be the Haulassians and the Smartassians.
KIRK That's right. He's very sure of the Haulassians, less sure of the Smartassians.
PICARD The Prince here, I take it, is not convinced of the advisability of his father's alliance.
PRINCE We have had no say in the matter.
RIKER Oh, he's said plenty.
DEANNA Will Riker, you stop that! 
KIRK The King of Bigassia has requested that we escort his son, the Crown Prince here, to Starfleet Academy, where we are to get him enrolled in the Starfleet Officer Training Program. 
PRINCE Our people have a saying that it is better not to bolt one's door with a boiled flumroot.
RIKER The Prince doesn't want to go.
PICARD And we agreed to this?
KIRK It was that or no alliance. 
PICARD I do not like this at all.
NARRATOR Picard stalks out of the ready room.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STRIDING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
RIKER Well, aren't we all a bit touchy today.
DEANNA I shall escort the Prince to his quarters.
NARRATOR Awhile later, in Ten Forward, Woody Allen wanders in to find Beverly, Uhura, Guinan, Deanna and Sock sitting around the bar.
ALLEN Um... excuse me, girls... I... uh... I hope you don't mind if I join you.... I'm kinda lost here, and...
DR. CRUSHER Oh, here's the cat-man I was telling you about!
ALLEN I am... I am... I'm not a cat-man! I resent that. I really dislike cats. I had nothing to do with that cat.
UHURA Oh, I don't know, sugar. As I understand it, you wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for that cat.
ALLEN Well, that... if you put it that way, that's probably true. Wow, your eyes... you have really beautiful eyes... did you know that? I mean, you have these really incredible eyes!
UHURA They work well enough.
ALLEN In fact, all of you... all of you are so beautiful. What is it, do they only let beautiful women go into space or something?
SOCK That question is not logical.
ALLEN Are you... are you some kind of alien? I mean, no offense or anything... I'm just curious, but...
SOCK I am a Vulcan.
ALLEN Wow. That is so, is so... all I can say is that you are so incredible... you look so alien and yet so human... It really turns me on... I hope you don't mind my saying that, how much the way you look turns me on... but, now, don't take this wrong, I'm not trying to get personal, I don't believe in that sort of thing, really I don't, but... do your people, Vulcans I mean, do they ever have sex with humans?
SOCK Not if we can avoid it.
ALLEN Oh... figures. I tell you, I am so depressed... Here I am... You are looking at a man who is totally destroyed, whose life has been... has been... I don't know... I just don't know. I need my psychiatrist.
DR. CRUSHER Deanna here is the ship's counselor. Ouch! Deanna!
ALLEN You are? You're a psychiatrist? I have got to talk to you! I have never been in such a... such a.... such a state of... of... disequilibrium! I feel like... 
DEANNA Excuse me, Mr... um... 
ALLEN Allen. Woody Allen. But you should call me Woody. I...
DEANNA ...Mr. Allen, but I don't do counseling in the bar.
ALLEN Well, where should we go, then? Someplace private, I hope?
DEANNA We're not going anywhere just yet. I just got back from Bigassia, and I'm exhausted.
DR. CRUSHER Did you know, Mr. Allen, that Deanna here is empathic? That means she can feel whatever you're feeling. Ouch! Stop that, Deanna! 
DEANNA You stop that! 
ALLEN You... you mean you can... can feel my mind? Is that true? I... I... I've always dreamed of finding a... a woman like that. You're the... the woman of my dreams, I... You know, you shouldn't be ashamed of that... It's really amazing, to have that kind of... I don't know...but don't be mad at your friend for telling me... I think it's wonderful. I mean, I know that some men would find that threatening, but for me, it's... it's a.... a turn-on...
GUINAN Mr. Allen, would you like a drink?
ALLEN What... what is this?
GUINAN It's a Golubrian zinger.
NARRATOR Woody Allen downs the drink.
ALLEN Wow! That... that's a zinger, all right! I... I... I...
SFX: THUD
 
DR. CRUSHER He's unconscious! What did you give him, Guinan?
GUINAN I didn't give him all that much. I just gave us a little peace and quiet. 
DEANNA Thank God! I don't think I can counsel that man. His mind makes me want to take a shower. He had his nasty mind all over my body!
DR. CRUSHER Well, he obviously needs counseling.
DEANNA He'll have to get it from somebody else!
GUINAN Well, well. Now there's something you don't see everyday! 
UHURA What? Oh!
DEANNA Oh, that's our Bigassian Prince! Hello, Your Highness! Would you care to join us?
UHURA Look at that butt!
DR. CRUSHER Here comes Zachary, right behind him. (LAUGHS) Just look at the expression on Zachary's face!
PRINCE Our quarters are totally inadequate. There is no place for us to sit down. All of your chairs are far too small to accommodate our person. It is the wisdom of our people that the man who goes to sea without his corkles returns with no liver.
DR. CRUSHER I'll see if we can have maintenance prepare something for you. We've never had a Bigassian on the Enterprise before, you see.
DR. SMITH What is it about you 24th century people that you are so willing to display your buttocks to the world?
DEANNA A great deal of the communication between Bigassian people is relayed through the buttocks, so their clothing is designed not to impede the view.
DR. SMITH Communication is relayed through the buttocks?? I don't like the sound of that.
DEANNA It's mostly through color changes, Zachary, not... what you were thinking.
GUINAN Isn't the size of the buttocks related to social standing, or am I thinking of someone else?
DEANNA You are correct, Guinan. The Prince here... 
PRINCE We have the largest and most magnificent buttocks on Bigassia. As our people say, it is better to be blessed with a good seat than a good head. Which is why we see absolutely no need to be here, with you people, going to your barbarian school.
DEANNA The King has ordered his son to attend Starfleet Academy.
SFX: ALARM KLAXONS
 
ALLEN (COMING TO) Mom? Is that you? What's happening?
PICARD (OVER INTERCOM) Report to Battle Stations! Report to Battle Stations. We are under attack by Borg!
DR. CRUSHER We're under attack. Get to your quarters, Allen.
DR. SMITH Under attack? What is this? Oh, dear...
DR. CRUSHER Zachary, report to sickbay! Prince, get to your quarters! Get going, Allen!
NARRATOR Everyone hurries out of Ten Forward, leaving Woody Allen behind.
ALLEN But... but... I can't remember where... where my room is! Can somebody... hey! Where did everybody go?
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message!
BORG QUEEN Do you like your body? Do you think it's absolutely perfect in every way? If you're like most people, there are a few things you'd like to improve.
BIMBO Gosh, yeah! I just hate my thighs and tummy!
BORG QUEEN If you've ever wished for a brand-new, made-over perfect body, come on down to the Borg Queen's Beautiful Body Emporium. Just let us assimilate you into our collective, and you too can be one of the Beautiful People. You'll never again feel ashamed of the way you look! 
BIMBO Gosh! That sounds great!
BORG QUEEN Join now, and for a limited time only, you can get two implants for the price of one! Why wait? Come on down to the Borg Queen's Beautiful Body Emporium today! Resistance is futile!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program, where we join Picard, his officers and the Robot on the bridge.
PICARD Raise shields! Arm weapons! Evasive maneuvers! 
PIECEWISE Sir, shield strength is fluctuating wildly!
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Engineering, report!
GEORDI (OVER COMMUNICATOR) The shield generators are still unstable, sir. They're better than they were, but...
SFX: IMPACT BLAST
 
RIKER That was a photon torpedo, sir!
DATA They have us in a tractor beam, sir! 
SFX: TRANSPORTER BEAM OPERATING
 
ROBOT Warning! Warning! My sensors indicate intruders are present!
DR. CRUSHER We have Borg on the Bridge! 
RIKER Those are Lore's Borg!
PICARD Put your phasers on random frequency modulation! 
SFX: PHASER FIRE
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
ALLEN Um... hello... excuse me? I'm... uh, kinda lost, here, and... and... what's wrong with those people? They do not look well. Anyway, if someone has a moment... I... er... Are you fighting with them? Uh... maybe this isn't such a good time, but... but... uh, hey, what are you doing to me? Hey! Let go of me! Hey!
SFX: TRANSPORTER BEAM OPERATING
 
DATA All the Borg have transported back to their own ship.
PICARD Fire on their tractor beam generator!
PIECEWISE Our weapons system is not responding, sir.
PICARD Engineering, report!
GEORDI We took a major hit when our shields were momentarily down, sir. They're still fluctuating! They're very unstable!
WORF We are being hailed by the Borg vessel, Captain.
PICARD On screen! 
SFX: SCREEN ACTIVATING
 
LORE Hello, Picard! Did you like my little greeting? That was just my way of saying, "Hi, welcome to the neighborhood!"
PICARD Lore, you're making a serious mistake... 
LORE Oh, and Captain, thank you for the little present. You could have been more generous -- you only gave us one. But don't worry! We'll be back for more. But first, we'll give you a chance to watch us assimilate this one. Put the assimilation suite on-screen, 2 of 17.
PICARD It's Woody Allen! They got Woody Allen!
LORE Oh, was that his name? How sweet. Well, he won't have need of that silly name once he's assimilated.
ALLEN What... what... what are you girls doing with me? You.. you're making me... making me nervous...
4 OF 10 We are assimilating you into our collective.
ALLEN Collective? Collective? Oh, no... no... that does not sound like a good idea. I'm not... not a collective kind of guy. I... I'm more of an individual... I don't get along well in groups, I really don't... I've always been a loner... I won't do well here. I need to call my lawyer. Hey, don't put that thing on me!
SFX: SCREEN DEACTIVATING
 
WORF Communication has been cut off, sir.
PICARD They got Allen! That's the first bit of good luck we've had for weeks!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!

Return to the Star Tricked menu.
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Episode 17

This is a drawing by Megaera Lorenz of Dr. Smith holding his cat while Woody Allen looks on disconsolately, his pants down around his ankles.
"And what, pray tell, were you doing in my apartment, and with my cat???"
Drawing by Megaera Lorenz
Published 1/9/99.
Updated 1/21/99.

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