| PICARD |
Will Robinson, I would like you to say the boldly go thing. |
| WILL |
Golly, Captain Picard, do ya really mean it? That'll be swell! |
| PICARD |
Begin. |
| WILL |
Space: the final frontier. These are the -- |
| DATA |
But, Will... |
| DR. SMITH |
Get away, you mechanical meddler! The boy doesn't need your interference! |
| DATA |
But... |
| PICARD |
Make it so, Data. Go ahead, Will. |
| WILL |
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the -- |
| DR. SMITH |
No, no, my boy! Use more expression! You may as well let the Robot
read it! |
| WILL |
(DRAMATICALLY) These are the voyages of the Starship... |
| DR. SMITH |
Louder, Will. |
| WILL |
(LOUDLY) -- of the Starship Enterprise! Its continuing miss -- uh,
mission... |
| DR. SMITH |
Don't stammer, my boy, this is an important task. |
| WILL |
(EXASPERATED) Golly, Dr. Smith! You're as bad as Mom! |
| DR. SMITH |
I resent that! |
| PICARD |
Oh, no... |
| NARRATOR |
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| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. |
| PICARD |
Captain's log: We have returned our 20th century visitors to their
time periods, using Lt. Commander Data's idea of a "time skip." However,
we have retained Dr. Zachary Smith, who is familiarizing himself with modern
medicine and is assisting in sickbay while Dr. McCoy is on leave, young
William Robinson, who is learning the basics of modern engineering from
Mr. LaForge before applying to Starfleet Academy, and the Robot, who has
chosen to be called, um... Elizabeth. Meanwhile, the Enterprise is en route
to the planet Bigassia. The Bigassian King, who has thus far pursued a
policy of neutrality, is under attack by a rebellious faction desiring
to ally the Bigassians with their anti-Federation relatives, the Cardassians,
the Kickassians and the Badassians. The Enterprise has been ordered to
Bigassia in response to the King's request for assistance from the Federation. |
| NARRATOR |
Captain Picard summons Data to his quarters. |
| DATA |
You wished to see me, captain? |
| PICARD |
Yes, Data. Has Geordi repaired your emotion chip yet? |
| DATA |
Not yet, sir. As you know, we have been busy for the last few days
trying to adjust the shield generators. |
| PICARD |
Ah, yes. The Enterprise has not been at her best lately. Perhaps she
is getting old. |
| DATA |
The Enterprise is not old as starships go, sir. |
| PICARD |
Data, did Geordi tell you that he had discovered the alterations that
I had made to your emotion chip? |
| DATA |
He mentioned it. |
| PICARD |
You didn't tell him...er... that I did it, did you, Data? |
| DATA |
No, sir. |
| PICARD |
Thank you, Data! |
| DATA |
He did not ask me, sir. |
| PICARD |
Data... when the emotion chip has been repaired, would you mind if
I alter it again before it is installed? |
| DATA |
I would prefer that you do not, Captain. |
| PICARD |
But, Data... why? |
| DATA |
It is possible that your alterations were responsible for my malfunction. |
| PICARD |
Geordi didn't think so. |
| DATA |
Geordi does not know. |
| PICARD |
But, Data, didn't you like being my honey-bunny? |
| DATA |
Very much, Captain. But would it not be better if I choose to be your
honey-bunny on my own, rather than have you make the choice for me? |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Beverly Crusher attempts to comfort Zachary Smith, who is
distraught over the failure of the plan to beam up his cat, Iphigenia,
from the 20th century. |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, my poor Iphigenia! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'm sure she's fine, Zachary. What probably happened is that the transporter
beam simply missed her. Pinpointing your apartment under those circumstances
was a chancy proposition anyway. |
| DR. SMITH |
But your engineer distinctly said there had been a glitch! I heard
the man quite clearly! A glitch is not the same as a miss! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well... I'll ask him about it when I get the chance. But right now
he's tied up trying to get the shield generators working properly, and
I've hardly seen him for days. |
| NARRATOR |
A few days later, the Enterprise arrives at Bigassia. Admiral Kirk,
Commander Riker, and Counselor Troi wait to be beamed down to the planet's
surface to consult with the King. |
| RIKER |
Ensign, are we sure the transporter system is working correctly? |
| PIECEWISE |
I assume so, sir. I haven't been told of any problem. |
| KIRK |
Run a computer check, Ensign. |
| PIECEWISE |
Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will return after this message
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| WORF |
Where did it come from? |
| PIECEWISE |
It... it appeared in the transporter tube when I beamed down
the away team, and then... it attacked me! |
| PICARD |
This must be Smith's cat, Iphigenia! But why the delay in its appearance? |
| DATA |
Geordi had said that there might be a glitch in the transporter system,
sir. But we had been too busy with the shield generators to look into it. |
| PICARD |
You mean that we sent an away team down using defective transporters??? |
| PIECEWISE |
I ran a computer check before beaming them down, sir --
the computer said that the system was okay. |
| WORF |
The team arrived on-planet with no problems, sir. |
| PICARD |
I don't like this at all. These are people's lives we're playing with
here. But I'm not faulting you, Ensign -- you did the right thing. We need
to run some diagnostics on that damned computer, apparently. Data, take
that cat to Dr. Smith. And Ensign -- get to sickbay and have those wounds
attended to. |
| PIECEWISE |
Yes, sir. Oh, and sir, someone from sickbay should go to the transporter
room and check out that little man. I almost forgot about him. |
| PICARD |
What little man??? |
| PIECEWISE |
Well, er, when that cat appeared, a little man was with it, a funny-looking
little guy with his pants down around his ankles. He was unconscious. Then
the cat attacked me and I... |
| PICARD |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) Sickbay! Send someone to the transporter room immediately! |
| NARRATOR |
A short time later, Picard joins Beverly Crusher in sickbay to examine
the new arrival. |
| PICARD |
What's going on here, Beverly? |
| ALLEN |
If you people don't mind, I'd like to ask you the same question. I
mean, there I was, minding my own business, and then... and then... I'm
here! I don't understand! I mean, I... I... I... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
He seems to be fine, Captain. He had merely fainted. |
| PICARD |
Who are you, sir? |
| ALLEN |
Who am I? Who am I? How...how can you ask that? You know who I am!
Everybody knows who I am! |
| PICARD |
If I knew, I wouldn't be asking. Now stop playing around and answer
me. I'm not in the mood for games. |
| ALLEN |
I'm Woody Allen! You know, the actor? The screenwriter? The director?
Does that ring a bell, or have you... have you... been hiding away in some
sort of military hell camp? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(QUIETLY) Take it easy, Captain. He's probably from the 20th century,
and he's frightened and disoriented. |
| PICARD |
(QUIETLY) Of course, Doctor. Forgive my short temper. I'm on edge from
all the bad luck we seem to be experiencing lately. |
| ALLEN |
What... what are you people muttering about? What am I doing here,
anyway? Am I sick? Am I dead? Is this hell or the afterlife or something?
What was all that about the 20th century? Have I been in a coma for
a hundred years or something? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
This is the 24th century, Mr... um... Allen, did you say? You haven't
been in a coma. You're fine. It seems you have been brought here by accident. |
| ALLEN |
This is the 24th century??? |
| PICARD |
That's right. |
| ALLEN |
And you people... you really don't know who I am? You mean you've never
heard of me? I mean, you're normal people, right? In spite of those...
clothes, and you've never heard of Woody Allen? Is that normal? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'm sorry, Mr. Allen, but I've never heard your name until now |
| PICARD |
Neither have I, Mr. Allen, but don't take it badly. Not many people
are remembered several centuries after their time. |
| ALLEN |
What are... what are you talking about? I'm an artist... a great artist!
My art! My movies! My work can't have been forgotten, or... or... I've
lived for nothing! This... this is terrible! I... I... I... I need my shrink.
I need to talk to my shrink. I... I... I... This is too much... I... |
| PICARD |
What's a shrink? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I don't know, but he's clearly distraught. We should send the Counselor
to see him when she returns from Bigassia. |
| ALLEN |
Distraught! Wouldn't you be distraught if... if... if... you had just...
had just discovered that your life's work is nothing? That your life is
nothing? That you have been forgotten in a mere... a mere... four centuries
or whatever? |
| PICARD |
We're all mortal, you know! |
| ALLEN |
No! No! I... I... I... don't accept that! Michelangelo wasn't mortal!
Leonardo de Vinci wasn't mortal! Mozart... Bach... Hemingway wasn't mortal!
Why should I be mortal? I... I... I... Oh, God, I'm so depressed! |
| PICARD |
Beverly... maybe you should ask Zachary to come here. Zachary might
know... this person. Especially if he were beamed up along with that cat
out of Zachary's apartment. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Good idea, Captain. I'll send for him. Nurse, give this patient a tranquilizer. |
| NURSE |
Yes, Doctor. |
| DR. SMITH |
You summoned me, my good Captain? |
| PICARD |
Yes, Doctor. Can you tell us anything about this man? He appeared in
the transporter with your cat. |
| DR. SMITH |
I don't know anything about him -- except that he resembles that degenerate
actor, Woody Allen. |
| ALLEN |
Hey... I... I resent that! I really do! I... I... I... I'm not degenerate...
I might be damaged, inadequate even, but I'm not degenerate. I mean, I
have my urges, but... but they're normal. I just have more of them than
usual, maybe, but... |
| DR. SMITH |
You are that despicable creature! And what, pray tell, were
you doing in my apartment, and with my cat?! |
| ALLEN |
I wasn't in your apartment, I don't think, I mean... I was with Joanne.
She took me to this, you know, this place... okay, maybe it was your apartment,
but I didn't know it... I mean... |
| DR. SMITH |
And what was that little juvenile delinquent doing with you
in my apartment? |
| ALLEN |
Well, we were... we were... what do you think? I mean, Joanne may not
be the brightest, but her body, oh my God, I mean... I don't know. She's
just... she really turns me on, you know what I mean? She... |
| DR. SMITH |
That was my home, you opprobrious imbecile, not a brothel! No wonder
my cat was so traumatized when she arrived... I should have known better
than to leave her with that adolescent miscreant. |
| ALLEN |
Oh, I don't believe this... You're worried about your cat? You probably
don't even... don't even care that it spent the whole time pestering me.
I hate cats... I've never liked cats, they... they're too much like women,
except without the turn-on... I mean, they pester you when... when you
want to be left alone, and then, when you want their attention they...
they ignore you. |
| DR. SMITH |
That is not a problem that I have ever experienced. |
| ALLEN |
Look, I... I'm sorry I was in your... in your apartment... I don't
really see what... what the big deal is with that. I'd just appreciate
it if you would, ah... send me home. |
| PICARD |
I'm afraid that isn't going to happen, Mr. Allen. |
| ALLEN |
Well, uh, you, uh, you people picked me up, so I don't see why you
won't take me home. I mean, I didn't ask to be here... I'd really
prefer not to be here. |
| DR. SMITH |
None of this would have been a problem if you hadn't been in places
where you didn't belong. |
| ALLEN |
Oh, yeah, I get it, now you're going to, to, blame the victim. Of course
this is my fault, everything is my fault... That's what people have been
telling me all my life, that all my... all my problems are all my fault. |
| DR. SMITH |
And they were undoubtedly correct. |
| ALLEN |
Sure, of... of course. Why don't you just... just kick me around like
everyone else does? Don't worry, I'm used to it. Nobody really appreciates
me. I mean, some people used to appreciate my art, but now... I... I don't
know. I just don't know. This is... this is... I don't know. |
| DR. SMITH |
You disgust me, sir. |
| PICARD |
Well... in the meantime, Mr. Allen, you'll need a place to stay. Ensign
Piecewise? |
| PIECEWISE |
Sir? |
| PICARD |
Would you take Mr. Allen here and show him to Song's quarters? The
roommates need to get to know each other. |
| ALLEN |
Roommate? Oh, no... no... that's a really bad idea. I... I... I don't
do well with roommates. I... I can get my own apartment. Don't worry. I
can afford it. |
| PICARD |
The Enterprise is a large ship, Mr. Allen, but it does not have an
infinite amount of living space. Most people have to share quarters. Now,
go along. |
| ALLEN |
Um... did he say ship? This is not good. I don't do at all well on
ships. I get seasick. If I had known we were on a ship, I would have thrown
up already... |
| PIECEWISE |
It's a spaceship, Mr. Allen. |
| ALLEN |
A... what? Oh, no, I know you didn't really say that. |
| PIECEWISE |
Yes, we're in orbit around the planet Bigassia right now. We're light-years
away from Earth. |
| ALLEN |
Oh, God, I don't even want to think about that. But this...roommate,
Song... is she pretty? |
| PIECEWISE |
(LAUGHING) I guess that depends on your tastes, but Song is not a woman. |
| ALLEN |
I've got a roommate and it's not a woman??? This will definitely not
work. I don't do well with men as roommates; I mean, I just can't deal
with men as roommates; I... I... I... I don't know; I guess it's why I
never joined the army, but... |
| PIECEWISE |
Here we are. These are the quarters you will be sharing with Song,
so you should learn the coordinates. |
| SONG |
So you have to share a room with me? I pity you. No one should be forced
to be in my unendurable presence. |
| ALLEN |
Why? What...what's wrong with you? |
| SONG |
What's wrong with me? Where should I begin? It's easier to ask what's
right with me. |
| ALLEN |
All right, what's right with you? |
| SONG |
Nothing. |
| ALLEN |
You think you got it bad? Look at me! Here I am, totally destroyed,
absolutely forgotten a mere four hundred years after I created my cinematic
masterpieces, with a bunch of people who don't know who I am, and the one
guy who does know who I am thinks I'm a degenerate because I was screwing
his cat-sitter in his apartment... |
| SONG |
You think you've got problems? At least you're not an android who falls
apart and has seams! |
| ALLEN |
Well, I don't know about that stuff, but I... I... I am absolutely
falling apart, I am spiritually bankrupt, ruined, destroyed. There's nothing
left of me but this physical husk. Why should I even bother to go on? I
don't know. |
| SONG |
I have never had anything but this physical husk, for what it's worth,
which is nothing. |
| ALLEN |
You're lucky, then. You'll never know the misery of having it all and
then losing it... of being the famous artist and then being a... a... a
nobody! |
| SONG |
Misery??? You don't know the meaning of the word! |
| ALLEN |
Oh, yes, I think... I think I have an excellent grasp of the concept! |
| SONG |
The concept, maybe, but not the sensation. No one could ever know misery
the way I do. It is the only emotion I can feel. |
| ALLEN |
God, you're depressing me. |
| SONG |
That's what I'm good for. |
| ALLEN |
At least you're good for something... |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message. |
| LITTLE GIRLS |
(SINGING) Bristle-fun Termitiérian Barbie! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
Gee, Barbie, look at all your hairy legs! |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
I want hairy legs just like you, Termitiérian Barbie! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
You can braid it! |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
It's so pretty! |
| LITTLE GIRLS |
(GIGGLING) |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
Oooh, Barbie just bit Ken's head off! |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
Wow! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
I want to eat my mate just like you, Termitiérian Barbie! |
| LITTLE GIRLS |
(SINGING) Termitiérian Barbie, you're so great!
Let's all go out and eat a mate! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Accessories and extra mates sold separately! |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. The away team has returned to the Enterprise,
along with a Bigassian in elaborate local costume. They meet with Picard
in the Captain's ready room. |
| KIRK |
Captain Picard, allow me to present to you His Majesty, He- Who- Suppresses-
the- Rebellious- and- Collects- the- Taxes- with- the- Righteousness- of-
the- Right- Hand- Guardian- of- the- Gateway- to- Heaven, the Crown Prince
of Bigassia. |
| PICARD |
I am delighted to meet you, sir. |
| PRINCE |
We wish we could say the same, but the delight, we're afraid, is all
yours. |
| PICARD |
Oh? |
| RIKER |
His name is rather long, so we've been calling him Prince Charming
for short. It sounds better than Prince He-Who. |
| DEANNA |
Will Riker, stop that! |
| PRINCE |
The snerglet natters in the treetops, but the tree heeds it not. |
| RIKER |
The name fits him so well, doesn't it? |
| PICARD |
That's enough, Number One. What's going on here, Admiral? |
| KIRK |
Our meeting with the King of Bigassia has been exceptionally fruitful,
Captain. He has decided to formally ally his people with the Federation. |
| RIKER |
Apparently neutrality has not been working out, what with the harassment
from the Kickassians and the others. |
| KIRK |
The King will also be working on convincing the other two neutral planets
to join the Federation. |
| PICARD |
That would be the Haulassians and the Smartassians. |
| KIRK |
That's right. He's very sure of the Haulassians, less sure of the Smartassians. |
| PICARD |
The Prince here, I take it, is not convinced of the advisability of
his father's alliance. |
| PRINCE |
We have had no say in the matter. |
| RIKER |
Oh, he's said plenty. |
| DEANNA |
Will Riker, you stop that! |
| KIRK |
The King of Bigassia has requested that we escort his son, the Crown
Prince here, to Starfleet Academy, where we are to get him enrolled in
the Starfleet Officer Training Program. |
| PRINCE |
Our people have a saying that it is better not to bolt one's door with
a boiled flumroot. |
| RIKER |
The Prince doesn't want to go. |
| PICARD |
And we agreed to this? |
| KIRK |
It was that or no alliance. |
| PICARD |
I do not like this at all. |
| NARRATOR |
Picard stalks out of the ready room. |
| RIKER |
Well, aren't we all a bit touchy today. |
| DEANNA |
I shall escort the Prince to his quarters. |
| NARRATOR |
Awhile later, in Ten Forward, Woody Allen wanders in to find Beverly,
Uhura, Guinan, Deanna and Sock sitting around the bar. |
| ALLEN |
Um... excuse me, girls... I... uh... I hope you don't mind
if I join you.... I'm kinda lost here, and... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh, here's the cat-man I was telling you about! |
| ALLEN |
I am... I am... I'm not a cat-man! I resent that. I really dislike
cats. I had nothing to do with that cat. |
| UHURA |
Oh, I don't know, sugar. As I understand it, you wouldn't be here if
it hadn't been for that cat. |
| ALLEN |
Well, that... if you put it that way, that's probably true. Wow, your
eyes... you have really beautiful eyes... did you know that? I mean, you
have these really incredible eyes! |
| UHURA |
They work well enough. |
| ALLEN |
In fact, all of you... all of you are so beautiful. What is it, do
they only let beautiful women go into space or something? |
| SOCK |
That question is not logical. |
| ALLEN |
Are you... are you some kind of alien? I mean, no offense or anything...
I'm just curious, but... |
| SOCK |
I am a Vulcan. |
| ALLEN |
Wow. That is so, is so... all I can say is that you are so incredible...
you look so alien and yet so human... It really turns me on... I hope you
don't mind my saying that, how much the way you look turns me on... but,
now, don't take this wrong, I'm not trying to get personal, I don't believe
in that sort of thing, really I don't, but... do your people, Vulcans I
mean, do they ever have sex with humans? |
| SOCK |
Not if we can avoid it. |
| ALLEN |
Oh... figures. I tell you, I am so depressed... Here I am... You are
looking at a man who is totally destroyed, whose life has been... has been...
I don't know... I just don't know. I need my psychiatrist. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Deanna here is the ship's counselor. Ouch! Deanna! |
| ALLEN |
You are? You're a psychiatrist? I have got to talk to you! I have never
been in such a... such a.... such a state of... of... disequilibrium! I
feel like... |
| DEANNA |
Excuse me, Mr... um... |
| ALLEN |
Allen. Woody Allen. But you should call me Woody. I... |
| DEANNA |
...Mr. Allen, but I don't do counseling in the bar. |
| ALLEN |
Well, where should we go, then? Someplace private, I hope? |
| DEANNA |
We're not going anywhere just yet. I just got back from Bigassia, and
I'm exhausted. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Did you know, Mr. Allen, that Deanna here is empathic? That means she
can feel whatever you're feeling. Ouch! Stop that, Deanna! |
| DEANNA |
You stop that! |
| ALLEN |
You... you mean you can... can feel my mind? Is that true? I... I...
I've always dreamed of finding a... a woman like that. You're the... the
woman of my dreams, I... You know, you shouldn't be ashamed of that...
It's really amazing, to have that kind of... I don't know...but don't be
mad at your friend for telling me... I think it's wonderful. I mean, I
know that some men would find that threatening, but for me, it's... it's
a.... a turn-on... |
| GUINAN |
Mr. Allen, would you like a drink? |
| ALLEN |
What... what is this? |
| GUINAN |
It's a Golubrian zinger. |
| NARRATOR |
Woody Allen downs the drink. |
| ALLEN |
Wow! That... that's a zinger, all right! I... I... I... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
He's unconscious! What did you give him, Guinan? |
| GUINAN |
I didn't give him all that much. I just gave us a little peace
and quiet. |
| DEANNA |
Thank God! I don't think I can counsel that man. His mind makes me
want to take a shower. He had his nasty mind all over my body! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, he obviously needs counseling. |
| DEANNA |
He'll have to get it from somebody else! |
| GUINAN |
Well, well. Now there's something you don't see everyday! |
| UHURA |
What? Oh! |
| DEANNA |
Oh, that's our Bigassian Prince! Hello, Your Highness! Would you care
to join us? |
| UHURA |
Look at that butt! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Here comes Zachary, right behind him. (LAUGHS) Just look at the expression
on Zachary's face! |
| PRINCE |
Our quarters are totally inadequate. There is no place for us to sit
down. All of your chairs are far too small to accommodate our person. It
is the wisdom of our people that the man who goes to sea without his corkles
returns with no liver. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'll see if we can have maintenance prepare something for you. We've
never had a Bigassian on the Enterprise before, you see. |
| DR. SMITH |
What is it about you 24th century people that you are so
willing to display your buttocks to the world? |
| DEANNA |
A great deal of the communication between Bigassian people is relayed
through the buttocks, so their clothing is designed not to impede the view. |
| DR. SMITH |
Communication is relayed through the buttocks?? I don't like the sound
of that. |
| DEANNA |
It's mostly through color changes, Zachary, not... what you were thinking. |
| GUINAN |
Isn't the size of the buttocks related to social standing, or am I
thinking of someone else? |
| DEANNA |
You are correct, Guinan. The Prince here... |
| PRINCE |
We have the largest and most magnificent buttocks on Bigassia. As our
people say, it is better to be blessed with a good seat than a good head.
Which is why we see absolutely no need to be here, with you people, going
to your barbarian school. |
| DEANNA |
The King has ordered his son to attend Starfleet Academy. |
| LORE |
Hello, Picard! Did you like my little greeting? That was just my way
of saying, "Hi, welcome to the neighborhood!" |
| PICARD |
Lore, you're making a serious mistake... |
| LORE |
Oh, and Captain, thank you for the little present. You could have been
more generous -- you only gave us one. But don't worry! We'll be back for
more. But first, we'll give you a chance to watch us assimilate this one.
Put the assimilation suite on-screen, 2 of 17. |
| PICARD |
It's Woody Allen! They got Woody Allen! |
| LORE |
Oh, was that his name? How sweet. Well, he won't have need of that
silly name once he's assimilated. |
| ALLEN |
What... what... what are you girls doing with me? You.. you're making
me... making me nervous... |
| 4 OF 10 |
We are assimilating you into our collective. |
| ALLEN |
Collective? Collective? Oh, no... no... that does not sound like a
good idea. I'm not... not a collective kind of guy. I... I'm more of an
individual... I don't get along well in groups, I really don't... I've
always been a loner... I won't do well here. I need to call my lawyer.
Hey, don't put that thing on me! |
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