| PICARD |
Song, since you are staying on our ship, you should make yourself useful.
Do the boldly go thing for us. |
| SONG |
You actually think I can make myself useful? Oh, please, spare me your
delusions... as if I could possibly do anything right. |
| PICARD |
Read this script, Song, and you'll do fine. |
| SONG |
Oh, so now I need a script. I'm not competent enough to do it without
one. |
| PICARD |
Everyone needs a script, Song! Now just read it! |
| SONG |
(SIGHS) Everybody bosses me around. Naturally. "Space... The Final
Frontier." Now, there's a depressing thought. Once we get through
exploring this miserable frontier, there won't be anything more left. This
is one of the saddest things I've ever read. |
| PICARD |
Just read it, Song! |
| SONG |
Very well. "These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing
mission--" Its mission? Hah. Its mission is to haul around miserable androids
like me and make them read stupid introductions. |
| PICARD |
Song! |
| SONG |
Anyway... "Its continuing mission: to seek out new life, and..." New
life. That's just what we need. Even more useless vermin than we already
have running around on this ship -- like me, for instance. Not that you
can really say I'm alive. |
| PICARD |
Just forget it! |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Inc.
And now, a word from our sponsor. |
| WOMAN |
Oh no. A crack in my laundry basket! |
| MAN |
Fix it with Redox brand Polarizing Tape. |
| WOMAN |
I love a man who solves problems with tape! |
| WOMAN 2 |
My sweater's covered with lint! |
| MAN |
Use Redox brand Polarizing Tape. |
| WOMAN 2 |
I adore a man who's creative with tape! |
| WOMAN 3 |
I need tape to wrap this package. |
| MAN |
Not just any tape. Get Redox brand Polarizing Tape. |
| WOMAN 3 |
Oooh, I see you're a man who knows his tape! |
| ANNOUNCER |
Everyone loves a man who knows his tape. And this man knows that Redox
Polarizing Tape is the best: It sticks when you want it to! Redox Tape
-- the brand name that sticks in your mind when you want good tape. |
| CHEESY SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. |
| PICARD |
Captain's Log: It has been almost a day since Lore captured us in his
tractor beam and the Borg took our 20th century stowaway, Woody Allen.
We are all waiting apprehensively for Lore's next move, but we have seen
no activity from the other ship since the initial invasion. We believe
Lore is waiting to strike when we least expect it; therefore, we expect
it all the time. Everyone with any kind of engineering capabilities is
working around the clock to try to get shields and weapons back online. |
| NARRATOR |
The Crown Prince of Bigassia goes to visit Captain Picard in the Captain's
ready room. |
| PRINCE |
We find this situation most displeasing. We would like to know when
we will get past this inconvenience and get to Starfleet Academy. We understood
that this was to be a short trip. |
| PICARD |
Well, you have to understand that this is more than a mere inconvenience,
your highness -- we're under attack by an enemy ship. As soon as we can
settle this disagreement, we can move on. In the meantime, we all just
have to wait it out patiently. |
| PRINCE |
No one told us that we would have to be involved in military expeditions. |
| PICARD |
Starfleet isn't a military organization, but we often are forced to
fight. You'll be expected to learn battle skills when you become a Starfleet
Cadet. |
| PRINCE |
As our people say, don't shear your glarg before it pupates. We are
not a Starfleet Cadet yet, Captain. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in Dr. Crusher's quarters... |
| DR. SMITH |
(UNHAPPILY) Oh, Beverly, my dear, I fear that this may be our last
night together. At any moment, those horrible creatures will come and enslave
us all. Oh, dear... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
My, that's quite an attitude, Zachary. |
| DR. SMITH |
I just know we're doomed... oh, the pain, the pain! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, Zachary, if you're really sure we're doomed, maybe you should
do that Zachary Maneuver one more time. |
| DR. SMITH |
How can you think of that at a time like this?! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What better time is there? |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, since you put it that way, my dear... |
| NARRATOR |
A little while later... |
| DR. SMITH |
You are incredible! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Yes, I call that the Beverly Maneuver. |
| DR. SMITH |
My dear Beverly, you are a remarkable woman. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, we find Ensigns Sock and Soredick on the bridge. |
| SOCK |
This is not logical. We seem to have been released from the tractor
beam. |
| SOREDICK |
The Borg vessel is losing power. |
| SOCK |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) This is the bridge to Captain Picard. The Borg
vessel has just released us, and is drifting. They are running on emergency
power, sir. |
| PICARD |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR, PUZZLED) Oh? I'll be right there, Ensign. |
| NARRATOR |
Picard, Data, Worf, and Riker report to the bridge. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. The startled members of the Enterprise
crew are speaking to the flustered Lore, who had just beamed over from
the Borg ship... |
| LORE |
You have to help me! Please! I throw myself at your mercy... |
| RIKER |
And what makes you think we have any mercy for you, Lore? |
| PICARD |
That's enough, Number One. What's the problem? |
| LORE |
What's the problem?! As if you didn't know. I've always known you were
a dirty fighter, Picard, but this little trick of yours was completely
uncalled for. |
| PICARD |
What are you talking about? |
| LORE |
You know very well what I'm talking about! You... you sent me that...
thing! He's contaminated all my Borg. (IN WOODY ALLEN'S VOICE) He's...
he's... I don't know. He's even contaminated me! I should have disconnected
my server sooner... God, I'm so depressed. This is just so... so hopeless,
so ... I don't know. |
| PICARD |
You mean Woody Allen? Well, as I recall, we didn't send him to you.
You took him. |
| LORE |
(BACK TO LORE'S VOICE) You let me take him! You knew exactly
what was going to happen. You really hit below the belt this time, Picard...
That little paint job was bad enough, but this -- |
| PICARD |
That paint job was Puffie's doing. Now, what do you mean by Woody Allen
"contaminating" your Borg? |
| LORE |
See for yourself, why don't you? |
| NARRATOR |
Lore activates a control under his thumbnail. The Enterprise viewscreen
comes on. |
| BORG 1 |
This... this... this is just... we feel so insignificant. We mean,
here we are, just a... just a... a drone, here in this collective. We mean,
we've always been a free thinker. We don't fit in. I mean, we just... We
don't know... (FADE TO BACKGROUND) |
| BORG 2 |
We need to call our shrink. We really need our shrink, we mean, we
just don't feel right. We feel so... so... We don't know. Maybe we should
call our lawyer. Maybe we should call our mother... no, she's too insensitive.
She'd never... never understand. She never even had time for us when...
when we were growing up. We don't think she ever got over our Oedipus complex...
We... In fact, we don't even remember who she is. She probably doesn't
even remember us. (FADE TO BACKGROUND) |
| BORG 3 |
We just can't work in this environment. It's just... it's just smothering.
It crushes our... our creative potential, our... our individualism. We
just can't assimilate. This isn't our art. This just isn't a meaningful
way to exist for us. We feel so... so suppressed, so penned in... (FADE
TO BACKGROUND) |
| BORG 4 |
We just can't take all this crowding, all these other drones. We...
we need our privacy. We just can't take our life being so... so open. We
feel so exposed. We don't know. We... we just need to be alone for a while...
(FADE TO BACKGROUND) |
| BORG 5 |
Oh, my God, this body is a ... a female! How is it we... we're in a
female body? God, this is so confusing! We... we want to have sex with
ourselves... We are so turned on... |
| RIKER |
Good God... |
| SOREDICK |
The human Woody Allen has assimilated the Borg! |
| PICARD |
Yes, so it would seem. Well, turnabout is fair play. |
| LORE |
Hah! This was your plan all along, Picard. |
| PICARD |
Of course it was. That's why we kidnapped Allen from the 20th century
to begin with. We knew all along that you'd assimilate him, and then... |
| LORE |
(IN WOODY ALLEN'S VOICE) That... that's right. Be sarcastic with me.
You... you always loved my brother more than you loved me. You think I
don't know that? I... I... oh, I don't know... I don't know... I gotta
get control of myself here... |
| RIKER |
Listen, Lore, you're the one who got yourself into this. Besides, I
don't know what you think we could do to help. |
| PICARD |
You're right Number One. There really isn't anything we could do, and
I don't think anyone else could do anything either, except... (QUIETLY)
well, possibly the Borg Queen. |
| LORE |
I heard that, Picard! |
| PICARD |
Heard what? |
| LORE |
(SMUGLY) That Mildred would be able to help. Well, thank you very much,
Picard. I think you might just be right. Ta, Captain! |
| RIKER |
(AGHAST) Captain! He got away! Quick, Data, try to get him back -- |
| PICARD |
No, Data, belay that! Let him go. |
| RIKER |
Sir?! |
| PICARD |
Don't you realize what we have here, Number One? This is the weapon
against the Borg that Starfleet has been seeking for years! Lore will take
those contaminated Borg to the main Borg cube, and then... |
| RIKER |
And then when people get assimilated, they'll not only turn into Borg,
they'll turn into Woody Allen Borg. That's even worse! |
| PICARD |
Didn't you see what happened to Lore's ship when Woody Allen's mind
took over? The Borg became incapable of operating it. It incapacitated
them. That's what it will do to the rest of the collective, too. |
| RIKER |
I don't know, sir, I really don't think... |
| PICARD |
They can't possibly be organized enough to pose any threat when they're
in that state. I'm not sure they'd even be able to assimilate anyone. |
| WORF |
And if your plan fails, Captain? |
| PICARD |
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Mr. Worf. |
| RIKER |
With all due respect, sir, I think we just made a huge mistake. |
| PICARD |
That remains to be seen, Mr. Riker. |
| DATA |
Lore seems to have regained control of his ship, Captain. Its systems
are back online. |
| RIKER |
Great, now he's probably going to try and finish us off before he goes. |
| SOREDICK |
The ship's path is quite erratic |
| SOCK |
It would appear Lore is attempting to leave the system. (PAUSE) He
has left the system, sir. |
| PICARD |
(SATISFIED) Yes, with a late Glugshmuckfest present for the Borg Queen!
Well. And just when I thought things would never start looking up for us. |
| WILL |
Golly, that was something. I just wish the fellas at home on Earth
could see me now. I'm gonna go to Starfleet, and I've already seen my first
battle! |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, I must say I didn't get as much pleasure out of it as you apparently
did, my boy. I'm certainly glad to get that dreadful experience behind
me. (WORRIED) Beverly, my dear, this sort of thing doesn't happen all the
time here, does it? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, the last few weeks have been a bit unusual. Don't worry about
it, Zachary. The Enterprise is one of the best ships in the fleet, so she
can hold up to just about anything. |
| DR. SMITH |
Which probably means she gets sent on the most taxing and dangerous
missions. Oh, the pain... |
| PRINCE |
We think this whole situation is thoroughly inconvenient. You are not
supposed to steer the ship into dangerous situations while we, the Crown
Prince, are on board. If anything should happen to us, there would be quite
a lot of trouble for your fleet, you know. |
| DEANNA |
I understand why you would be upset, your majesty, but we really do
try to steer clear of trouble. It's just that Lore has been after us for
a while now, and the ship hasn't been functioning all that well... It was
just bad luck. |
| PRINCE |
We see. Well, as our people say, there's no point in corking your snoglunk
after the swill has spilled. |
| PRINCE |
(SELF-SATISFIED) Ahhh... we truly are unexcelled. |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens! |
| WILL |
Golly! Did you see that thing that came out of his majesty's bottom,
Dr. Smith? It looked like a hand! |
| PRINCE |
Those were our ciliated anal gills. They enable us to breathe underwater. |
| SOCK |
Fascinating. |
| DR. SMITH |
He's just like a dero back on Earth! |
| WILL |
Who's Dero? |
| DR. SMITH |
Dero is not a who, my boy, dero is a what. It is a fresh-water Oligochaete
annelid. |
| WILL |
What's that, sir? |
| DR. SMITH |
It's a kind of worm, Will. Don't they teach you children anything in
those schools? Oh, what a dreadful fetor. Madam, I distinctly remember
you saying that Bigassian buttock communication only utilizes color changes. |
| DEANNA |
Er, well... I'm not sure that was communication, exactly. |
| PRINCE |
That, people, was art. And we are a master artisan. |
| WORF |
Hmmm. Not a bad effort. |
| PRINCE |
(INDIGNANT) Not a bad effort?! That was a masterpiece! |
| WORF |
Well, if you're going by human standards, I suppose. But by Klingon
standards, I'd say that was merely... pretty good. |
| PRINCE |
Merely pretty good?? You would dare to cast such aspersions on our
art? We challenge you to a duel! |
| WORF |
I accept. |
| PICARD |
No! Absolutely not! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Um, what sort of duel, or should I ask? |
| DR. SMITH |
If you don't mind, let me know where you plan to hold it, and I'll
make sure I'm elsewhere. |
| PICARD |
That is a moot issue. I forbid any sort of duel on the Enterprise,
and any kind of duel anywhere between one of my officers and anyone else. |
| WORF |
But sir, it is a matter of Klingon honor! |
| PICARD |
Mr. Worf, when you are on your home world and when you are off duty,
you may do as you please, but right now you are a Starfleet officer and
you must behave as one. The case is closed. |
| WORF |
But, sir-- |
| PICARD |
Your objection is noted, Mr. Worf. There will be no dueling while I'm
in command. |
| NARRATOR |
Picard stalks away. |
| PRINCE |
Well! We're not going to let him tell us whether we can duel or not.
We are royalty. Name the date, Klingon. |
| WORF |
(RELUCTANTLY) No, I withdraw my acceptance. It's my duty to obey the
Captain's orders. |
| PRINCE |
Hmph. As our people say, only a baby can hide behind his mother's buttocks. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Um, if you people don't mind, I'd like to change the subject. Zachary
and I have some news for everyone. We've decided to get married. |
| WILL |
Golly! Ya have? Gee, it's too bad Penny's not here; she always loved
mushy stuff like weddings. I'm gonna go tell the Robot. |
| NARRATOR |
Will runs off in search of Elizabeth the Robot. |
| LAL |
What transpires during a mushy wedding? |
| DEANNA |
Well, on Betazed, after the bride and groom are united, the wedding
guests establish a telepathic link to them, so that they can celebrate
and share in the bliss of the couple's first sexual communion. |
| DR. SMITH |
I do truly hope that you will keep your mind to yourself, dear. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's right, Deanna! |
| SOCK |
On Vulcan, it is relatively rare for two individuals to make a vow
to only exchange sperm packets with one another, but it does happen occasionally.
It is one of the most important and meaningful Vulcan ceremonies. |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, no! I know what your rituals are like. I refuse to take part in
any wedding ceremonies that involve the display of buttocks! |
| SOREDICK |
There are no buttocks involved in this particular ritual. The most
ancient and sacred gongs in the area are brought forth, carved with symbols
representing logic and fertility. The couple is dressed in the thickest
bathrobes, made of the best materials from all across Vulcan. A square
hole is cut in the front of the male's bathrobe, and his genitalia protrude
through this. They are painted with bright colors and patterns which vary
depending on what part of Vulcan you are from. |
| SOCK |
A small basket is hung from around his neck on a golden chain which
is measured out to just the right length, and his genitalia are placed
in this basket. At the end of the ceremony, the male presents his genitalia
to the female, and the chain is transferred from his neck to hers. They
leave connected to one another in this manner, symbolizing their permanent
tie to one another. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, you can most certainly forget about that! Thank heavens Mrs.
Robinson isn't here. She'd be working on the outfit already. |
| WORF |
I don't think there's any question that Klingons have the best weddings.
A week before the wedding, the male and female each put on a heavy rubber
shirt which they wear until the wedding ceremony. The male throws the female
down and takes off her rubber shirt, then the female throws the male down
and takes off his rubber shirt. The intensity of their odors brings about
an immediate mating frenzy. While they mate, the guests throw prune juice
and freshly killed glorak beast blood on them while chanting. Then the
guests start to mate. It's a great party. |
| PRINCE |
How utterly barbaric! When our people are married, the male
is dressed in a delicate garment of pink floog-worm silk, and he waits
for the female outside her chamber. She comes out wearing only a ruffled
snigflix, which the male removes during the ceremony. After that, they
are led to a veiled room while children sprinkle them with the extract
of speckled yudd flowers. |
| WORF |
(DISGUSTED) No wonder your people can't win any wars. What a bunch
of weaklings. |
| PRINCE |
That is quite a thing for you to say, after you were too cowardly to
accept our duel against the Captain's orders. |
| WORF |
Rrgh! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(IN A WHISPER) Come on Zachary, let's get out of here. We'll just have
the Captain marry us discretely, without any big ceremony. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith stand up and start to leave. |
| LAL |
Before you go, I would just like to say that you are welcome to use
my father's cat in your ceremony. |
| DR. SMITH |
(PUZZLED) And why would we need a cat for a wedding ceremony? |
| LAL |
I understand from what Sock and Soredick tell me that cats are an essential
element in almost all ceremonies. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, thank you very much, dear, but we already have a cat of our own! |
| NARRATOR |
After Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith leave, Deanna, Lal, and the two Vulcan
ensigns wander to another part of Ten Forward, leaving Worf and the Prince
alone. |
| PRINCE |
Well, Klingon, are you going to accept our duel after all, or are you
too much of a coward? |
| WORF |
It would be more honorable for me to do my duty than to stoop to a
fight with the likes of you. It wouldn't even be a fair contest. |
| PRINCE |
Hmm. We think that you are, as our people would say, wearing a silk
coat over rags. |
| WORF |
Save your gas, milksop. |
| PRINCE |
Say what you like, but we can smell a coward no matter what fine airs
he puts on. |
| WORF |
(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) If I didn't have my orders from the Captain,
you'd be dead by now... |
| PRINCE |
It is a shame you're too much of a soft-seat to think for yourself
once in a while. As our people say, your breath is worse than your fart. |
| WORF |
(ANGRILY) All right, I accept! |
| PRINCE |
Ah, so perhaps you're half the warrior you claim to be after all. |
| WORF |
We'll beam down to the surface of planet Sarcodine IV when we get to
the repair station, and we'll have our duel there. |
| PRINCE |
It is agreed, then. We shall have a duel of flatulence. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Will finds Wesley Crusher, Geordi LaForge,
and the Robot working on the shield system in engineering. |
| WILL |
Hi, guys. |
| GEORDI |
Hi, Will. I think we've found the source of the problem. See, the reason
the ship's been malfunctioning so much and in so many different ways lately
is that there's been some kind of a major computer malfunction. We've been
treating the symptoms, but not the cause. The guys at the repair station
should be able to fix it pretty fast. |
| WILL |
Swell! Dr. Smith'll be glad to hear that. He's been worried sick about
the way this ship's been actin'. He says it's almost as bad as the Jupiter. |
| ROBOT |
Yes. He says we just need Major West at the helm to crash it, and he
will feel right at home. |
| GEORDI |
He won't have to worry much longer. |
| WILL |
Speaking of Dr. Smith, I came down here to tell you that
he and Dr. Crusher are gonna get married. Isn't that something? |
| ROBOT |
What?! |
| WESLEY |
Like, don't remind me, okay? This like, totally sucks. How
come Mom always goes for weird men? |
| WILL |
Dr. Smith isn't so bad, once you get used to him. When you get to know
him, you'll see he's really a regular fella. |
| WESLEY |
But he's so totally, like, weird! I mean, he's got those trippy pants
that are like, dorkomania, man. |
| WILL |
I don't see anything wrong with his pants. |
| WESLEY |
Like, hello? Maybe that's because you wear dorky pants too? Like, duh? |
| GEORDI |
Uh-oh... Lal wasn't there when he talked about this, was she? |
| WILL |
Actually, yes, she was, sir. |
| GEORDI |
Oh, no! I know what's coming now. The last thing I need is for her
to be getting more ideas into her head. |
| ROBOT |
I do not like this. I must go find Dr. Smith. |
| NARRATOR |
The Robot leaves. |
| WILL |
Golly, if I'd known this was gonna cause such a commotion, maybe I
would've let Dr. Smith tell everyone. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, the Robot goes into Dr. Zachary Smith's quarters. |
| ROBOT |
Will told me that you are getting married to Dr. Crusher. |
| DR. SMITH |
(HAPPILY) Yes, my dear mechanical friend, isn't it positively ambrosial? |
| ROBOT |
But you cannot marry her! |
| DR. SMITH |
What's that?! Who are you to tell me whom I can or cannot marry, you
glass-headed gargoyle? |
| ROBOT |
You must marry me. |
| DR. SMITH |
That's the most ridiculous suggestion you've ever made, you blithering
bubble-head! I can't marry a Robot. |
| ROBOT |
Why not? You have always loved me. |
| DR. SMITH |
I don't know where you got that idea, you moronic mass of metal,
but you had better remove your corroded carcass from my presence before
I remove your power pack for good! |
| ROBOT |
(SULKILY) My computers are deeply offended. You have rejected me. |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, go away. You irk me. |
| ROBOT |
Very well. I will leave and I will have nothing more to do with you.
You are not my friend anymore. You have insulted me. Good-bye. |
| PICARD |
Worf! Prince! Cease and desist! You are proceeding in direct violation
of my orders. |
| WORF |
Captain! How did.... rrrgh!!! |
| OLESTRA |
Well, thank heavens I got you here in time, Captain. In
another moment it would have been too late! |
| WORF |
Who are you? Who do you think you are to interfere with affairs of
Klingon honor?! |
| OLESTRA |
Let go of me!! Now look what you've done, you ridge-headed
reprobate! You've broken my wrist-mounted trans-temporal displacement device! |
| WORF |
You're lucky I didn't break more than that! |
| PICARD |
Mr. Worf! |
| OLESTRA |
Don't worry, Captain. I'm not easily intimidated by thugs. |
| WORF |
Roorowgh! |
| PICARD |
I wouldn't advise antagonizing Mr. Worf any further, Lt. Commander.
Now, could you kindly explain to me where you came from and what all this
is about? |
| OLESTRA |
If you must know, I came from the future to stop these two ninnies
from killing each other off. |
| PRINCE |
Well, it just goes to show how ignorant you are. This sort of duel
does not result in fatality. |
| OLESTRA |
Oh? Does the word autothysis mean anything to you? |
| PRINCE |
(SHOCKED) Autothysis! |
| PICARD |
Excuse me, but what is autothysis? |
| OLESTRA |
That, my ignorant friend, is what you could call detonation by defecation.
When a Bigassian is sufficiently disturbed, he defecates so forcefully
that he explodes with a tremendous force, killing himself and anyone around
him within a surprisingly large radius. It's just like a bomb going off.
It's a wonderful show -- from a distance. |
| PRINCE |
That is ridiculous. Our self-control is vast. We would never
have allowed ourselves to go so far as to commit autothysis. |
| OLESTRA |
Yes, you would have. As far as historians of my time can tell, you
had never battled a Klingon before, and when you sensed that you were losing
the duel, you worked yourself up into such a frenzy that you did commit
autothysis. Had I let this duel continue, your deaths would have led to
intergalactic war, resulting in the demise of the Federation. That's why
I risked contingency problems to come here from the future to save your
ridiculous lives. And now, thanks to that ham-handed moron, I'm
stuck in this time forever! |
