Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration
Episode 14: An Ill Wind Blows Good

by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

 This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which the Enterprise profits from a Borg attack, we find out about some alien social customs, and a disaster is narrowly averted. 

Drawing of the showdown between Worf, Olestra, Picard and the Prince of Bigassia. Worf is seizing Olestra's wrist while Picard scowls and the rest look dismayed.
 From left: Ensign Eckler, Worf, Ensign Piecewise, Olestra, Picard and the Prince of Bigassia. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz.

PICARD Song, since you are staying on our ship, you should make yourself useful. Do the boldly go thing for us. 
SONG You actually think I can make myself useful? Oh, please, spare me your delusions... as if I could possibly do anything right.
PICARD Read this script, Song, and you'll do fine.
SONG Oh, so now I need a script. I'm not competent enough to do it without one. 
PICARD Everyone needs a script, Song! Now just read it!
SONG (SIGHS) Everybody bosses me around. Naturally. "Space... The Final Frontier." Now, there's a depressing thought. Once we get through exploring this miserable frontier, there won't be anything more left. This is one of the saddest things I've ever read.
PICARD Just read it, Song! 
SONG Very well. "These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission--" Its mission? Hah. Its mission is to haul around miserable androids like me and make them read stupid introductions.
SONG Anyway... "Its continuing mission: to seek out new life, and..." New life. That's just what we need. Even more useless vermin than we already have running around on this ship -- like me, for instance. Not that you can really say I'm alive.
PICARD Just forget it! 
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NARRATOR And now, back to our program.
PICARD Captain's Log: It has been almost a day since Lore captured us in his tractor beam and the Borg took our 20th century stowaway, Woody Allen. We are all waiting apprehensively for Lore's next move, but we have seen no activity from the other ship since the initial invasion. We believe Lore is waiting to strike when we least expect it; therefore, we expect it all the time. Everyone with any kind of engineering capabilities is working around the clock to try to get shields and weapons back online.
NARRATOR The Crown Prince of Bigassia goes to visit Captain Picard in the Captain's ready room.
PRINCE We find this situation most displeasing. We would like to know when we will get past this inconvenience and get to Starfleet Academy. We understood that this was to be a short trip.
PICARD Well, you have to understand that this is more than a mere inconvenience, your highness -- we're under attack by an enemy ship. As soon as we can settle this disagreement, we can move on. In the meantime, we all just have to wait it out patiently.
PRINCE No one told us that we would have to be involved in military expeditions.
PICARD Starfleet isn't a military organization, but we often are forced to fight. You'll be expected to learn battle skills when you become a Starfleet Cadet. 
PRINCE As our people say, don't shear your glarg before it pupates. We are not a Starfleet Cadet yet, Captain.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Dr. Crusher's quarters...
DR. SMITH (UNHAPPILY) Oh, Beverly, my dear, I fear that this may be our last night together. At any moment, those horrible creatures will come and enslave us all. Oh, dear... 
DR. CRUSHER My, that's quite an attitude, Zachary.
DR. SMITH I just know we're doomed... oh, the pain, the pain! 
DR. CRUSHER Well, Zachary, if you're really sure we're doomed, maybe you should do that Zachary Maneuver one more time.
DR. SMITH How can you think of that at a time like this?! 
DR. CRUSHER What better time is there? 
DR. SMITH Well, since you put it that way, my dear...
NARRATOR A little while later... 
DR. SMITH You are incredible! 
DR. CRUSHER Yes, I call that the Beverly Maneuver.
DR. SMITH My dear Beverly, you are a remarkable woman.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, we find Ensigns Sock and Soredick on the bridge.
SOCK This is not logical. We seem to have been released from the tractor beam. 
SOREDICK The Borg vessel is losing power. 
SOCK (INTO COMMUNICATOR) This is the bridge to Captain Picard. The Borg vessel has just released us, and is drifting. They are running on emergency power, sir.
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR, PUZZLED) Oh? I'll be right there, Ensign. 
NARRATOR Picard, Data, Worf, and Riker report to the bridge.
PICARD What the devil are they up to? This must be some sort of trick.
RIKER Lore is often subtle, but seldom patient. I wonder what's going on over there. Data, see if you can run a scan on their ship. 
DATA Unable to comply, Commander. They still have a sensor block on their ship. Wait... I believe that the block has just ceased to function. I will attempt the scan.
DATA I am not detecting any damage to their ship, sir. I see no obvious cause for a power failure.
COMPUTER Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
WORF Ready your phasers! 
PICARD It's Lore! What kind of nonsense are you up to now? 
LORE (ANGUISHED) Help me... please! 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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NARRATOR And now, back to our program. The startled members of the Enterprise crew are speaking to the flustered Lore, who had just beamed over from the Borg ship...
LORE You have to help me! Please! I throw myself at your mercy... 
RIKER And what makes you think we have any mercy for you, Lore?
PICARD That's enough, Number One. What's the problem?
LORE What's the problem?! As if you didn't know. I've always known you were a dirty fighter, Picard, but this little trick of yours was completely uncalled for. 
PICARD What are you talking about?
LORE You know very well what I'm talking about! You... you sent me that... thing! He's contaminated all my Borg. (IN WOODY ALLEN'S VOICE) He's... he's... I don't know. He's even contaminated me! I should have disconnected my server sooner... God, I'm so depressed. This is just so... so hopeless, so ... I don't know.
PICARD You mean Woody Allen? Well, as I recall, we didn't send him to you. You took him.
LORE (BACK TO LORE'S VOICE) You let me take him! You knew exactly what was going to happen. You really hit below the belt this time, Picard... That little paint job was bad enough, but this --
PICARD That paint job was Puffie's doing. Now, what do you mean by Woody Allen "contaminating" your Borg?
LORE See for yourself, why don't you? 
NARRATOR Lore activates a control under his thumbnail. The Enterprise viewscreen comes on.
BORG 1 This... this... this is just... we feel so insignificant. We mean, here we are, just a... just a... a drone, here in this collective. We mean, we've always been a free thinker. We don't fit in. I mean, we just... We don't know... (FADE TO BACKGROUND)
BORG 2 We need to call our shrink. We really need our shrink, we mean, we just don't feel right. We feel so... so... We don't know. Maybe we should call our lawyer. Maybe we should call our mother... no, she's too insensitive. She'd never... never understand. She never even had time for us when... when we were growing up. We don't think she ever got over our Oedipus complex... We... In fact, we don't even remember who she is. She probably doesn't even remember us. (FADE TO BACKGROUND)
BORG 3 We just can't work in this environment. It's just... it's just smothering. It crushes our... our creative potential, our... our individualism. We just can't assimilate. This isn't our art. This just isn't a meaningful way to exist for us. We feel so... so suppressed, so penned in... (FADE TO BACKGROUND)
BORG 4 We just can't take all this crowding, all these other drones. We... we need our privacy. We just can't take our life being so... so open. We feel so exposed. We don't know. We... we just need to be alone for a while... (FADE TO BACKGROUND)
BORG 5 Oh, my God, this body is a ... a female! How is it we... we're in a female body? God, this is so confusing! We... we want to have sex with ourselves... We are so turned on... 
RIKER Good God... 
SOREDICK The human Woody Allen has assimilated the Borg!
PICARD Yes, so it would seem. Well, turnabout is fair play.
LORE Hah! This was your plan all along, Picard. 
PICARD Of course it was. That's why we kidnapped Allen from the 20th century to begin with. We knew all along that you'd assimilate him, and then...
LORE (IN WOODY ALLEN'S VOICE) That... that's right. Be sarcastic with me. You... you always loved my brother more than you loved me. You think I don't know that? I... I... oh, I don't know... I don't know... I gotta get control of myself here... 
RIKER Listen, Lore, you're the one who got yourself into this. Besides, I don't know what you think we could do to help.
PICARD You're right Number One. There really isn't anything we could do, and I don't think anyone else could do anything either, except... (QUIETLY) well, possibly the Borg Queen.
LORE I heard that, Picard! 
PICARD Heard what?
LORE (SMUGLY) That Mildred would be able to help. Well, thank you very much, Picard. I think you might just be right. Ta, Captain! 
RIKER (AGHAST) Captain! He got away! Quick, Data, try to get him back --
PICARD No, Data, belay that! Let him go.
PICARD Don't you realize what we have here, Number One? This is the weapon against the Borg that Starfleet has been seeking for years! Lore will take those contaminated Borg to the main Borg cube, and then...
RIKER And then when people get assimilated, they'll not only turn into Borg, they'll turn into Woody Allen Borg. That's even worse!
PICARD Didn't you see what happened to Lore's ship when Woody Allen's mind took over? The Borg became incapable of operating it. It incapacitated them. That's what it will do to the rest of the collective, too.
RIKER I don't know, sir, I really don't think...
PICARD They can't possibly be organized enough to pose any threat when they're in that state. I'm not sure they'd even be able to assimilate anyone.
WORF And if your plan fails, Captain?
PICARD Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Mr. Worf.
RIKER With all due respect, sir, I think we just made a huge mistake.
PICARD That remains to be seen, Mr. Riker.
DATA Lore seems to have regained control of his ship, Captain. Its systems are back online.
RIKER Great, now he's probably going to try and finish us off before he goes.
SOREDICK The ship's path is quite erratic
SOCK It would appear Lore is attempting to leave the system. (PAUSE) He has left the system, sir.
PICARD (SATISFIED) Yes, with a late Glugshmuckfest present for the Borg Queen! Well. And just when I thought things would never start looking up for us.
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
DATA Greetings. This is Data Soong. Are you an android? Do you find yourself crashing and freezing up more and more often? Do you have to be shut down and restarted improperly? Are you taking longer and longer to process information? Do you find that you do not have enough memory even to do simple tasks? Well, do not wait until this happens to you. Visit your engineer often for hard-drive optimizations and defragmentations. Check your hard disc for bad blocks on a regular basis. Throw away unnecessary applications, and remember to rebuild your desktop occasionally. If you know an android, remind him or her to watch his or her health. Remember, friends do not let friends with catalog b-tree errors pilot Starships.
CHEESY AD GUY This message brought to you by the Cybernetics Board of Health.
NARRATOR And now back to our program. The crew, relieved to be rid of the Borg threat, congregates in Ten Forward. We find Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher, Deanna Troi, Worf, Ensigns Sock and Soredick, Captain Picard, the Bigassian Prince, Lal, and Will Robinson sitting around a table...
WILL Golly, that was something. I just wish the fellas at home on Earth could see me now. I'm gonna go to Starfleet, and I've already seen my first battle!
DR. SMITH Well, I must say I didn't get as much pleasure out of it as you apparently did, my boy. I'm certainly glad to get that dreadful experience behind me. (WORRIED) Beverly, my dear, this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time here, does it?
DR. CRUSHER Well, the last few weeks have been a bit unusual. Don't worry about it, Zachary. The Enterprise is one of the best ships in the fleet, so she can hold up to just about anything.
DR. SMITH Which probably means she gets sent on the most taxing and dangerous missions. Oh, the pain... 
PRINCE We think this whole situation is thoroughly inconvenient. You are not supposed to steer the ship into dangerous situations while we, the Crown Prince, are on board. If anything should happen to us, there would be quite a lot of trouble for your fleet, you know.
DEANNA I understand why you would be upset, your majesty, but we really do try to steer clear of trouble. It's just that Lore has been after us for a while now, and the ship hasn't been functioning all that well... It was just bad luck.
PRINCE We see. Well, as our people say, there's no point in corking your snoglunk after the swill has spilled.
PRINCE (SELF-SATISFIED) Ahhh... we truly are unexcelled.
DR. SMITH Good heavens!
WILL Golly! Did you see that thing that came out of his majesty's bottom, Dr. Smith? It looked like a hand! 
PRINCE Those were our ciliated anal gills. They enable us to breathe underwater.
SOCK Fascinating.
DR. SMITH He's just like a dero back on Earth!
WILL Who's Dero?
DR. SMITH Dero is not a who, my boy, dero is a what. It is a fresh-water Oligochaete annelid.
WILL What's that, sir?
DR. SMITH It's a kind of worm, Will. Don't they teach you children anything in those schools? Oh, what a dreadful fetor. Madam, I distinctly remember you saying that Bigassian buttock communication only utilizes color changes.
DEANNA Er, well... I'm not sure that was communication, exactly.
PRINCE That, people, was art. And we are a master artisan.
WORF Hmmm. Not a bad effort.
PRINCE (INDIGNANT) Not a bad effort?! That was a masterpiece! 
WORF Well, if you're going by human standards, I suppose. But by Klingon standards, I'd say that was merely... pretty good.
PRINCE Merely pretty good?? You would dare to cast such aspersions on our art? We challenge you to a duel! 
WORF I accept.
PICARD No! Absolutely not!
DR. CRUSHER Um, what sort of duel, or should I ask?
DR. SMITH If you don't mind, let me know where you plan to hold it, and I'll make sure I'm elsewhere.
PICARD That is a moot issue. I forbid any sort of duel on the Enterprise, and any kind of duel anywhere between one of my officers and anyone else.
WORF But sir, it is a matter of Klingon honor!
PICARD Mr. Worf, when you are on your home world and when you are off duty, you may do as you please, but right now you are a Starfleet officer and you must behave as one. The case is closed.
WORF But, sir-- 
PICARD Your objection is noted, Mr. Worf. There will be no dueling while I'm in command.
NARRATOR Picard stalks away.
PRINCE Well! We're not going to let him tell us whether we can duel or not. We are royalty. Name the date, Klingon. 
WORF (RELUCTANTLY) No, I withdraw my acceptance. It's my duty to obey the Captain's orders.
PRINCE Hmph. As our people say, only a baby can hide behind his mother's buttocks.
DR. CRUSHER Um, if you people don't mind, I'd like to change the subject. Zachary and I have some news for everyone. We've decided to get married.
WILL Golly! Ya have? Gee, it's too bad Penny's not here; she always loved mushy stuff like weddings. I'm gonna go tell the Robot.
NARRATOR Will runs off in search of Elizabeth the Robot.
LAL What transpires during a mushy wedding?
DEANNA Well, on Betazed, after the bride and groom are united, the wedding guests establish a telepathic link to them, so that they can celebrate and share in the bliss of the couple's first sexual communion. 
DR. SMITH I do truly hope that you will keep your mind to yourself, dear.
DR. CRUSHER That's right, Deanna!
SOCK On Vulcan, it is relatively rare for two individuals to make a vow to only exchange sperm packets with one another, but it does happen occasionally. It is one of the most important and meaningful Vulcan ceremonies.
DR. SMITH Oh, no! I know what your rituals are like. I refuse to take part in any wedding ceremonies that involve the display of buttocks!
SOREDICK There are no buttocks involved in this particular ritual. The most ancient and sacred gongs in the area are brought forth, carved with symbols representing logic and fertility. The couple is dressed in the thickest bathrobes, made of the best materials from all across Vulcan. A square hole is cut in the front of the male's bathrobe, and his genitalia protrude through this. They are painted with bright colors and patterns which vary depending on what part of Vulcan you are from.
SOCK A small basket is hung from around his neck on a golden chain which is measured out to just the right length, and his genitalia are placed in this basket. At the end of the ceremony, the male presents his genitalia to the female, and the chain is transferred from his neck to hers. They leave connected to one another in this manner, symbolizing their permanent tie to one another.
DR. SMITH Well, you can most certainly forget about that! Thank heavens Mrs. Robinson isn't here. She'd be working on the outfit already.
WORF I don't think there's any question that Klingons have the best weddings. A week before the wedding, the male and female each put on a heavy rubber shirt which they wear until the wedding ceremony. The male throws the female down and takes off her rubber shirt, then the female throws the male down and takes off his rubber shirt. The intensity of their odors brings about an immediate mating frenzy. While they mate, the guests throw prune juice and freshly killed glorak beast blood on them while chanting. Then the guests start to mate. It's a great party. 
PRINCE How utterly barbaric! When our people are married, the male is dressed in a delicate garment of pink floog-worm silk, and he waits for the female outside her chamber. She comes out wearing only a ruffled snigflix, which the male removes during the ceremony. After that, they are led to a veiled room while children sprinkle them with the extract of speckled yudd flowers.
WORF (DISGUSTED) No wonder your people can't win any wars. What a bunch of weaklings.
PRINCE That is quite a thing for you to say, after you were too cowardly to accept our duel against the Captain's orders.
WORF Rrgh! 
DR. CRUSHER (IN A WHISPER) Come on Zachary, let's get out of here. We'll just have the Captain marry us discretely, without any big ceremony.
NARRATOR Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith stand up and start to leave.
LAL Before you go, I would just like to say that you are welcome to use my father's cat in your ceremony. 
DR. SMITH (PUZZLED) And why would we need a cat for a wedding ceremony?
LAL I understand from what Sock and Soredick tell me that cats are an essential element in almost all ceremonies.
DR. SMITH Well, thank you very much, dear, but we already have a cat of our own! 
NARRATOR After Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith leave, Deanna, Lal, and the two Vulcan ensigns wander to another part of Ten Forward, leaving Worf and the Prince alone.
PRINCE Well, Klingon, are you going to accept our duel after all, or are you too much of a coward?
WORF It would be more honorable for me to do my duty than to stoop to a fight with the likes of you. It wouldn't even be a fair contest.
PRINCE Hmm. We think that you are, as our people would say, wearing a silk coat over rags.
WORF Save your gas, milksop.
PRINCE Say what you like, but we can smell a coward no matter what fine airs he puts on.
WORF (THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) If I didn't have my orders from the Captain, you'd be dead by now... 
PRINCE It is a shame you're too much of a soft-seat to think for yourself once in a while. As our people say, your breath is worse than your fart.
WORF (ANGRILY) All right, I accept! 
PRINCE Ah, so perhaps you're half the warrior you claim to be after all.
WORF We'll beam down to the surface of planet Sarcodine IV when we get to the repair station, and we'll have our duel there.
PRINCE It is agreed, then. We shall have a duel of flatulence. 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Will finds Wesley Crusher, Geordi LaForge, and the Robot working on the shield system in engineering.
WILL Hi, guys.
GEORDI Hi, Will. I think we've found the source of the problem. See, the reason the ship's been malfunctioning so much and in so many different ways lately is that there's been some kind of a major computer malfunction. We've been treating the symptoms, but not the cause. The guys at the repair station should be able to fix it pretty fast.
WILL Swell! Dr. Smith'll be glad to hear that. He's been worried sick about the way this ship's been actin'. He says it's almost as bad as the Jupiter.
ROBOT Yes. He says we just need Major West at the helm to crash it, and he will feel right at home. 
GEORDI He won't have to worry much longer.
WILL Speaking of Dr. Smith, I came down here to tell you that he and Dr. Crusher are gonna get married. Isn't that something?
ROBOT What?! 
WESLEY Like, don't remind me, okay? This like, totally sucks. How come Mom always goes for weird men?
WILL Dr. Smith isn't so bad, once you get used to him. When you get to know him, you'll see he's really a regular fella.
WESLEY But he's so totally, like, weird! I mean, he's got those trippy pants that are like, dorkomania, man. 
WILL I don't see anything wrong with his pants.
WESLEY Like, hello? Maybe that's because you wear dorky pants too? Like, duh?
GEORDI Uh-oh... Lal wasn't there when he talked about this, was she?
WILL  Actually, yes, she was, sir.
GEORDI Oh, no! I know what's coming now. The last thing I need is for her to be getting more ideas into her head. 
ROBOT  I do not like this. I must go find Dr. Smith.
NARRATOR The Robot leaves.
WILL Golly, if I'd known this was gonna cause such a commotion, maybe I would've let Dr. Smith tell everyone.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, the Robot goes into Dr. Zachary Smith's quarters.
ROBOT Will told me that you are getting married to Dr. Crusher.
DR. SMITH (HAPPILY) Yes, my dear mechanical friend, isn't it positively ambrosial?
ROBOT But you cannot marry her!
DR. SMITH What's that?! Who are you to tell me whom I can or cannot marry, you glass-headed gargoyle? 
ROBOT You must marry me.
DR. SMITH That's the most ridiculous suggestion you've ever made, you blithering bubble-head! I can't marry a Robot.
ROBOT Why not? You have always loved me.
DR. SMITH  I don't know where you got that idea, you moronic mass of metal, but you had better remove your corroded carcass from my presence before I remove your power pack for good!
ROBOT (SULKILY) My computers are deeply offended. You have rejected me.
DR. SMITH Oh, go away. You irk me.
ROBOT Very well. I will leave and I will have nothing more to do with you. You are not my friend anymore. You have insulted me. Good-bye.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, the Enterprise arrives at the repair station orbiting the planet Sarcodine IV. Picard is in his ready room, reading the report from the repair crew. 
PICARD (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) Let me see... shield repair, three days maximum. Not bad. Hmmm.... 
PICARD What the hell...?!!
NARRATOR A young woman materializes in front of the Captain.
OLESTRA (URGENTLY) Are you Captain Picard?
PICARD I... er... yes, I am. Who the devil are you?
OLESTRA I am Starfleet Lt. Commander Olestra Smith, but that's not important. You must get down to the surface of the planet... now... and stop the duel between your officer Worf and the Prince of Bigassia. 
PICARD What?! I ordered them not to fight that duel! 
OLESTRA Apparently, they didn't listen. We must hurry and stop them. Here are the coordinates.
PICARD Right. Let's go.
NARRATOR Picard and the mysterious Olestra beam down to the surface of the planet with two security officers. Meanwhile, two ensigns, wearing gas masks, look on while Worf and the Prince prepare to begin the duel.
PICARD Worf! Prince! Cease and desist! You are proceeding in direct violation of my orders.
WORF Captain! How did.... rrrgh!!!
OLESTRA Well, thank heavens I got you here in time, Captain. In another moment it would have been too late!
WORF Who are you? Who do you think you are to interfere with affairs of Klingon honor?! 
OLESTRA Let go of me!! Now look what you've done, you ridge-headed reprobate! You've broken my wrist-mounted trans-temporal displacement device!
WORF You're lucky I didn't break more than that! 
PICARD Mr. Worf!
OLESTRA Don't worry, Captain. I'm not easily intimidated by thugs.
WORF Roorowgh!
PICARD I wouldn't advise antagonizing Mr. Worf any further, Lt. Commander. Now, could you kindly explain to me where you came from and what all this is about?
OLESTRA If you must know, I came from the future to stop these two ninnies from killing each other off.
PRINCE Well, it just goes to show how ignorant you are. This sort of duel does not result in fatality.
OLESTRA Oh? Does the word autothysis mean anything to you? 
PRINCE (SHOCKED) Autothysis!
PICARD Excuse me, but what is autothysis?
OLESTRA That, my ignorant friend, is what you could call detonation by defecation. When a Bigassian is sufficiently disturbed, he defecates so forcefully that he explodes with a tremendous force, killing himself and anyone around him within a surprisingly large radius. It's just like a bomb going off. It's a wonderful show -- from a distance.
PRINCE  That is ridiculous. Our self-control is vast. We would never have allowed ourselves to go so far as to commit autothysis.
OLESTRA Yes, you would have. As far as historians of my time can tell, you had never battled a Klingon before, and when you sensed that you were losing the duel, you worked yourself up into such a frenzy that you did commit autothysis. Had I let this duel continue, your deaths would have led to intergalactic war, resulting in the demise of the Federation. That's why I risked contingency problems to come here from the future to save your ridiculous lives. And now, thanks to that ham-handed moron, I'm stuck in this time forever! 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!

Proceed to Episode 15!

Published 5/19/99.
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