| PICARD |
Captain's personal log: We are still in orbit around the planet Sarcodine
IV, having the final repairs done on the Enterprise computers. We should
be seeing the last of our trouble from her for a while, but unfortunately
there are other problems to deal with. A mysterious visitor, Lt. Commander
Olestra Smith, has come here from the future with the intent of stopping
the duel between the Prince of Bigassia and Lt. Commander Worf, but her
time travel device is now seriously damaged. Mr. Worf has been confined
to quarters for his irresponsible actions, and the Prince will stay in
the brig until we reach Federation Headquarters. The two ensigns who accompanied
them to the planet are also confined to quarters for acting as seconds
in the prohibited duel. |
| NARRATOR |
As the Enterprise is given a final check, one of the technicians from
the repair station talks to Captain Picard. |
| TECHNICIAN |
Well, Captain, the ship looks pretty good, overall. By the way, I've
been asked to inform you that, while you're here, none of your crewmen
are to visit Sarcodine IV. Starfleet just recently interdicted it. |
| PICARD |
Er... Oh, really? Why? |
| TECHNICIAN |
Well, I haven't been told the details yet, sir. I think it's because
of some sort of plague. |
| PICARD |
(WORRIED) Plague?! |
| TECHNICIAN |
Don't worry about it, sir. Nobody on our station has been to the planet
recently. |
| PICARD |
No, of course not. |
| NARRATOR |
A short while later, repairs are completed on the Enterprise, and the
ship leaves orbit to head for Federation Headquarters. Meanwhile, Captain
Picard discusses the situation with the ship's medical staff, Lt. Commander
Data, and Commander Riker. |
| PICARD |
Well, to add insult to injury, I've just been informed that the damned
planet where those two decided to fight their duel has been interdicted
by Starfleet because of some sort of plague. Unless you have any objections,
Mr. Riker, or any of you, I've decided not to inform Starfleet Command
of the time spent by my officers and myself on the planet. Unless, of course,
circumstances force our hand. |
| RIKER |
Makes sense to me, sir. After all, the damage has already been done,
and none of us was aware of the interdiction at the time. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Right. But if there is some kind of plague down there, we have to check
over every person on this ship, starting with the people who have actually
been on the planet. |
| PICARD |
I was getting to that, Doctor. Every person in the medical staff is
going to have to work on this to get it done in any reasonable amount of
time. You, Dr. Smith, and Dr. McCoy will have to start as soon as possible.
We must get it done before we reach Starfleet headquarters. |
| DATA |
Lal could be of assistance also, sir. |
| PICARD |
Good. The more people working on this, the better. It's going to be
a monstrous task. |
| NARRATOR |
Later, as the medical team begins work on the crew, Geordi visits Data
in Data's quarters. |
| GEORDI |
Well, I've finally got some free time. Geez, it's been a hard few weeks.
Are you ready for your emotion chip, Data? |
| DATA |
Yes, Geordi. I have been waiting for that. |
| GEORDI |
Okay. Let me just open your head. |
| DATA |
Thank you, Geordi. I am experiencing delight at my ability to feel
emotions again. I must go tell the Captain that my chip has been reinstalled,
and then I will help you in Engineering. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in Sickbay, Dr. Crusher examines the enigmatic Olestra. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh... you must be that visitor from the future. I don't think I ever
got your name. |
| OLESTRA |
Olestra. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Really? You know, Olestra has always been my favorite girl's name.
In fact, if my son Wesley had been a girl, that's what I would have named
him. |
| OLESTRA |
Oh, yes, well... It's a fine name. I'm happy with it. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, we all owe a lot to you for what you've done for us, Olestra. |
| OLESTRA |
That's quite all right, Dr. Crusher. I owe my life to you and your
husband. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What do you mean? |
| OLESTRA |
(COMPLACENTLY) Only time will tell, Doctor. Have you seen any signs
of that plague? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
As a matter of fact, no. Do you have any idea what kind of plague it
is? |
| OLESTRA |
No, not really. What with the war and everything, I think all of that
was forgotten pretty quickly in my timeline. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Hmm. I suppose it would be. Well, Olestra, you show absolutely no signs
of ill health. Lal, please enter Commander Olestra's medical data into
the computer, will you? |
| LAL |
Yes, Doctor. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message. |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Out of the mists of time comes the greatest romance of the 20th century... |
| MONICA |
Oh, Bill... like, how can I ever tell you how much you mean to me? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
The love story that shook the presidency... |
| BILL |
How can I choose between my love and my duty? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Transdimensional Studios is proud to bring you the new, heartwarming
animated feature, based on the true story... "William and Monica." Experience
the magic: |
| MONICA |
(BREATHLESSLY) He loves me! Like, he really does! I'll, like, never
wash this dress again! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
The music: |
| MONICA |
(SINGING) I am just a simple intern; he's the president... Can he see
me for who I really am? |
| BILL |
(SINGING) To her am I "the President," or does she love the man I really
am? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
And the romance... of one of history's greatest love stories: "William
and Monica." Coming soon to a holotheatre near you. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Lt. Commander Worf pages Dr. Crusher
in sickbay. |
| WORF |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Doctor, I think I might have that plague after
all. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Worf, I already checked you over. I didn't find a thing. |
| WORF |
I know, but I think it might have been latent in me until now. I seem
to be hallucinating. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Hmmm... that doesn't sound good. Well, I'm up to my ears in work right
now, but I'll send Zachary over there to check you out again. Crusher out.
Zachary! |
| DR. SMITH |
Yes, my dear? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'd like you to go give Worf another examination. He claims to be hallucinating. |
| DR. SMITH |
(ALARMED) You want me to examine that creature?! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
For heaven's sake, Zachary, he's not a creature! Just go in there and
test him out. |
| DR. SMITH |
But you see, my dear, I know very little about Klingon anatomy. I don't
think I could... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Zachary, all you have to do is see if the medical tricorder says he
checks out okay. |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, very well. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith enters Mr. Worf's quarters. |
| DR. SMITH |
(NERVOUSLY) Hello, sir. Am I to understand that you are having trouble
with... hallucinations? |
| WORF |
Yes, doctor. I am quite worried. Klingons are not known to hallucinate.
That is more of a Vulcan or human trait. |
| DR. SMITH |
What sort of hallucinations, if you don't mind my inquiring? |
| WORF |
I see bugs. |
| DR. SMITH |
Is that so unusual? I mean, you do have insects in the 24th
century, do you not? |
| WORF |
Not like these. These are big bugs wearing business suits and hats,
and carrying brief-cases. And they talk. They are extremely irritating. |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens! Are you seeing any right now? |
| WORF |
No. They all ran and hid when you came in. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, sir, I have no idea how to explain the bugs, but, if I am reading
this instrument correctly, there isn't a thing wrong with you. |
| WORF |
Then maybe my quarters really are full of talking vermin! |
| DR. SMITH |
If we were back on the Jupiter II, I would think you were feeling the
effects of Maureen's cooking. Not that the food here is any better. In
many ways it's worse. |
| WORF |
Is that some kind of medical opinion, doctor? |
| DR. SMITH |
It is my personal opinion, my interesting friend. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in the Captain's quarters... |
| DATA |
The emotion chip has been installed, sir. |
| PICARD |
Yes, Data... and? |
| DATA |
And now I have my emotions again, sir. |
| PICARD |
Of course, Data, but your feelings about me... |
| DATA |
I again find you most attractive, Captain. |
| PICARD |
But, but... Your chip has been restored to its original programming! |
| DATA |
Love transcends programming, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data! That is the best... You just don't know... Forgive me, I
find myself speechless. |
| DATA |
And yet you just spoke several words, sir. |
| PICARD |
I feel as if the weight of the universe has been lifted off my shoulders.
Things are finally starting to go right again. |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain. |
| PICARD |
I realize that you are busy, Data, as we all are, and I know that you
have tasks awaiting you on your agenda. But before you leave... I have
written another song for you. Would you like to hear it? |
| DATA |
Yes, sir, very much. |
| PICARD |
Very well. It's called "Data." Well, actually it's called "Dinah,"
but I changed the words around a little. Ahem: (SINGING) Data... is there
anyone greater... from Omicron Theta? If there is and you know him, show
him to me. Oh, Data... I would hop a freighter... just to be with my Data!
Every little night why do I shake with fright because my Data might, change
his mind about his loving little Captain! Data... is there anyone greater...
from Omicron Theta? If there is and you know him, show him to me! |
| DATA |
Oh, Captain! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Zachary finds a little time to be alone with Beverly. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Bugs dressed up in business suits??? |
| DR. SMITH |
That is what he claimed, my dear. And from the sound of it, I would
prefer a hallucinating monster to real bugs in business suits. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Zachary! Worf is NOT a monster! |
| DR. SMITH |
I suppose that depends on your definition of monster. Please don't
be cross with me, my dear. I am not myself. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh? Who are you, then? |
| DR. SMITH |
What I mean to say is that I am not feeling well. Overwork and lack
of good food... I have not had a decent meal since coming aboard this vessel.
And my poor Iphigenia is getting positively emaciated! She won't eat that
stuff, either! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, dear, I know that space rations aren't very appealing, but you'll
get used to it. So will Iphigenia. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in Deanna's quarters... |
| RIKER |
You wanted to see me, Deanna? |
| DEANNA |
Yes, Will. You see, my underwear has been disappearing again, and... |
| RIKER |
I'm not responsible this time, Deanna. In fact, my underwear has been
disappearing, too. |
| DEANNA |
Really! |
| RIKER |
Yes, and other things... my toothbrush, my hairbrush, my mustache curler,
the ranking pips off of one of my uniforms... |
| DEANNA |
Now that you mention it, I haven't been able to find any of Lackadick's
pacifiers! And something seems to have removed all the blue paint from
the oil painting my mother gave me. I don't look at that hideous thing
very often, but I noticed it the other day. And of all things, some picture
frames have disappeared, although the pictures are still there. |
| RIKER |
I don't know about the blue paint, but the rest of this sounds like
the work of some kind of sneak thief. You don't suppose it's that woman
from the future, do you? |
| DEANNA |
Olestra? Oh, definitely not. She's not the sneaky type. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Commander Riker has just returned from
Ensign Peicewise's quarters, and is discussing his discovery with the medical
staff. |
| RIKER |
Well, it seems that Peicewise is having some sort of mental breakdown.
He keeps ranting about his quarters being full of talking bugs, with clothing. |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's exactly what Worf said! |
| RIKER |
You mean Worf is hallucinating, too? |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, that is what he thought, but it seems unlikely to me that he
and the good ensign would be having exactly the same hallucinations. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, gentlemen, I think I know what kind of plague we're dealing with.
It isn't a disease; it's a plague of vermin. |
| RIKER |
But that's ridiculous! Who ever heard of talking bugs? |
| BONES |
If she's right, then there isn't any reason for me to stick around
here anymore. I'm a doctor, not an exterminator. |
| RIKER |
Hmmm. Maybe we should get Worf to catch one of them. Then we'd know
if they were real. |
| DATA |
Greetings. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Ah, hello, Data. How can we help you? |
| DATA |
I wish to ask Dr. Smith something. |
| DR. SMITH |
Ask away, my mechanical friend. |
| DATA |
May I borrow your cat? |
| DR. SMITH |
(SUSPICIOUSLY) And what, pray tell, are you planning to do with my
Iphigenia? |
| DATA |
I do not intend her harm. I have modified my universal translator to
be able to translate the utterances of my cat. However, Spot is not inclined
to be vocal today, so I thought, perhaps, if he were put together with
another cat, they might converse. |
| DR. SMITH |
You mean you have invented such a thing? And it works? |
| DATA |
I believe so. However, I have not yet tested it fully. As I said, Spot
is not inclined to talk to himself. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, surely you can use this device to talk to him. |
| DATA |
I wanted to observe the spontaneous remarks of cats under normal circumstances,
without my interference. |
| DR. SMITH |
I find the idea quite intriguing. Would you mind if I observe your
experiment? |
| DATA |
Not at all. |
| NARRATOR |
Data and Dr. Smith go to Data's quarters, with Iphigenia in tow. |
| DATA |
Here we are. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith releases Iphigenia, and Spot approaches her. |
| SPOT |
Greetings, fair lady. I art Rulisticon the Spacefarer. Tarry not, but
give me thy name, that I may know thee. |
| IPHIGENIA |
Avast, ye rogue! Cometh thee not a step closer, or soon thy head shall
ring with the buffets of my fists. I art swift of claw and tooth, and he
who art wise dare not approach me! |
| SPOT |
Thou doest me wrong, fair one. I wish thee no harm. Meseemeth that
'tis thou that hast come into mine own quarters unbid! |
| IPHIGENIA |
Begone from my presence forthwith, scoundrel, and thou shalt keep the
use of thine eyes. |
| SPOT |
Yea, I shall depart anon. But first, give me but the pleasure of knowing
thy name, fiery maid. |
| DR. SMITH |
(BEWILDERED) Why... they sound just like Robin Hood! |
| NARRATOR |
Both cats turn to stare at Dr. Smith. |
| SPOT |
Hist and hark! Yon behemoth speaks with cultured tongue! |
| IPHIGENIA |
Yea, oft have I bemused myself with the fancy that my Muffy showeth
signs of sentience. |
| DR. SMITH |
Muffy?! My dear madam! |
| IPHIGENIA |
After so many years as my pet, knowest ye not thine own name? |
| DR. SMITH |
Your pet? Iphigenia, my dear, I think you are somewhat confused as
to our relationship. You are my pet. |
| IPHIGENIA |
(LAUGHING) Ah, my dear simple Muffy. Methinks it be thou who art confused.
I have been thy faithful mistress since kittenhood. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, think what you like, but I must insist that you not call my Muffy!
I'll have you know that my name is Zachary! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in engineering, Geordi, Scotty, and Elizabeth the Robot
look on as Olestra tries to fix her wrist-mounted trans-temporal displacement
device. |
| OLESTRA |
Well, since you people don't have any temporal monopolar transducers,
I guess I'll have to cobble one together out of whatever miscellaneous
old junk you happen to have here. But it's not going to fit on my wrist
anymore. |
| GEORDI |
Our stuff may seem like junk to you, but it isn't old. At least not
yet. It's the most up-to-date equipment in Federation space. |
| OLESTRA |
Yes, of course, my friend. But it's old to me. |
| SCOTTY |
These new-fangled gadgets seem downright miraculous to me, Miss Olestra.
And your wee device is nothin' more nor less than magic! |
| ROBOT |
Machines are not magic. Magic is a human misconception. |
| OLESTRA |
Now, where is that microprocessor adjudicator? I just had it in my
hand and now it's gone. Did one of you pick it up? |
| GEORDI |
No, but I just saw it over here a moment ago. |
| OLESTRA |
Yes, well, it's not here now. One would think you people had an infestation
of unthings the way things keep disappearing! |
| SCOTTY |
Unthings? And what might they be? |
| OLESTRA |
They're mythological, sentient insectoids. According to legend, they're
about this big... |
| SCOTTY |
Oh, aye, and they be wearin' little clothes and hats! I've been seein'
those about. I thought they were some sort of new-fangled cockroach. People
are always improving on the old models so fast a poor old engineer just
can't be keepin' up! |
| OLESTRA |
Don't be silly. Unthings aren't real; they're a myth, like gremlins
or leprechauns. |
| SCOTTY |
I don't know, lassie -- these were real enough. |
| NARRATOR |
Will Robinson comes running into Engineering. |
| NARRATOR |
We will return to our story after a brief message from our sponsor. |
| ANNOUNCER 1 |
Researchers are always becoming aware of, or inventing, new mental
disorders, and they are always coming up with new ways to treat them. Before
your disorders can be treated, however, you have to know the symptoms. |
| ANNOUNCER 2 |
Do you have a tendency to split up with your companions at the first
sign of danger? |
| ANNOUNCER 1 |
Do you have the feeling that alien beings of the opposite gender find
you attractive? |
| ANNOUNCER 2 |
Have you installed a self-destruct lever in your home or laboratory? |
| ANNOUNCER 1 |
Do you move in slow motion when battling an enemy? |
| ANNOUNCER 2 |
Do you have an urge to make clever remarks while battling your enemies? |
| ANNOUNCER 1 |
Do you tend to tell your enemies all your plans? |
| ANNOUNCER 2 |
Do you suffer from the delusion that you have enemies? |
| ANNOUNCER 1 |
Then you might have Tenacious Space Perfunctory Incorrigibility Syndrome.
This serious but treatable mental disorder is common among space travelers.
Only you can make the decision to get help. If you recognize the symptoms
of TSPIS in yourself, a friend, a co-worker or a family member, contact
your doctor immediately. |
| ANNOUNCER 3 |
This message sponsored by Redox, Incorporated. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. We find Dr. Crusher, Deanna, and Uhura
chatting with Guinan in Ten Forward. Deanna has her baby, Lackadick, with
her, and Wesley stands nearby. Olestra enters and approaches the group. |
| UHURA |
Well, look who's here! How's it going, sugar? |
| OLESTRA |
I swear, if I were to spend one more moment trying to cobble together
that accursed temporal translocator, I would lose what's left of my sanity.
It's so nerve-wracking, trying to work on such delicate equipment with
such primitive tools. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
How far into the future do you come from? |
| OLESTRA |
Oh, only a generation, but wartime stimulates the development of technology,
you know. Oh... is that Lackadick? |
| DEANNA |
Yes. |
| OLESTRA |
So, you were always cute, weren't you, you little devil? |
| DEANNA |
You know my Lackadick? |
| OLESTRA |
Oh, very well. But I mustn't elaborate. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith runs into Ten Forward, wearing his nightclothes. |
| DR. SMITH |
Beverly! Beverly, my dear... Something terrible has happened! Ah...
hello, Olestra, my dear. |
| OLESTRA |
Doctor. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Zachary? What on earth is going on? What are you doing here in you
pajamas? |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, Beverly... Someone has stolen my pants... in fact, my entire uniform
is gone! |
| WESLEY |
Are you kidding? Like, who'd want that dorky outfit? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Wesley! |
| DR. SMITH |
Young man, if this is some sort of trick of yours... |
| WESLEY |
No way! |
| DEANNA |
Everyone's been losing things lately. I wonder if we have some sort
of thief on the ship. |
| UHURA |
I'm wondering if it has something to do with all those weird big bugs
I've been seeing. |
| OLESTRA |
(EXASPERATED) Oh! Not you, too! I'm wondering if there's some kind
of mass hallucination going on aboard this ship. |
| GUINAN |
Well, I'm not one to sample my own wares, so I know I'm not hallucinating...
but I am seeing one of those things right now. |
| NARRATOR |
A large insectoid, dressed in a business suit, staggers out onto the
bar. |
| UNTHING |
(SINGING IN A SLURRED VOICE) Daaaarling, I am growing oooold... (hic!)
Siiiiilver threads among the (hic!) gooooold...! |
| DR. SMITH, DR. CRUSHER AND OLESTRA |
They're real! |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens... |
| UNTHING |
(SPEAKING IN A SLURRED VOICE) Of course I'm real. Are you intimating
that I ain't? 'Cause if you are, I'm gonna sue you for slander! (hic!)
Well, I guess I'll let you off this time. I'm a nice guy. |
| GUINAN |
So you're the damned bug who's been getting into my supplies! |
| UNTHING |
Hey... If you swear at me, I'll sue you for causing me mental anguish.
I'm very religious. |
| DR. SMITH |
Someone get a shoe! |
| UNTHING |
You can't squish me... I'm a lawyer. |
| DR. SMITH |
All the more reason to squish you. Beverly, hand me a shoe. |
| UNTHING |
I'm warning you... |
| GUINAN |
Dead lawyers can't sue. |
| UNTHING |
No, but my friends can. They're all lawyers. All of us are lawyers.
And we always win, too. You know it's a capital offense to kill an Unthing?
(Hic!) |
| DR. SMITH |
Only if the judge and jury are unthings. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Great. It's bad enough that we've got vermin, but now they turn out
to be lawyers, too. |
| UHURA |
I'd say that's kind of redundant. |
| DR. SMITH |
Not only is he a lawyer, he's staggering drunk. |
| UNTHING |
More slander! I'm not drunk; I'm just happy. I'm gonna sue the
whole lot of you. I'm gonna sue you for slander, assault, attempted murder,
harrassment... |
| OLESTRA |
We can sue you for theft, you know. |
| UNTHING |
It's not theft... it's survival! You know that denying a sentient being
the food it needs to sustain itself is a war crime under galactic law,
so there's not a damned thing you can do about us! (CACKLES DRUNKENLY) |
| NARRATOR |
The unthing passes out on the counter. |
| GUINAN |
Squish him now! |
| DEANNA |
Um, I don't know... We're not supposed to kill sentient beings except
in self defense or warfare. |
| OLESTRA |
Well, declare a war, and then squish him. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in the Captain's ready room... |
| RIKER |
Sir, that damned Prince in the brig is being a real pain in the ass.
He keeps pestering Security with endless demands. |
| PICARD |
Really? Well, send Puffie in there with orders to keep his majesty
entertained. |
| RIKER |
Yes, sir! |
| NARRATOR |
And in Worf's quarters... |
| DATA |
Worf, I have effected a capture. Now, let us see... |
| UNTHING |
No, don't eat me! You can't eat me! It's illegal! |
| WORF |
Don't listen to it, Data! Just eat it! |
| DATA |
Worf, I cannot eat a sentient being! It is against my programming. |
| UNTHING |
That's right! I'm sentient! I'm very sentient! My name's Harvey! I've
got a wife and kids! Lots of kids! If you eat me, my poor wife would be
a widow! My kids would never forgive you! You'd go to jail! You'd have
to pay child support! And... and... maybe even alimony! |
| DATA |
Do not fear, insect. I shall not eat you. |
| UNTHING |
Don't call me "insect." I could sue you for that. I'm an Unthing, and
a senior officer in the Intergalactic Vermin Guild, I'll have you know.
I'm a professional infestor, and I take my job very seriously. I'm just
doing my job here. I could sue you for manhandling me, and for illegal
seizure of my person, and for interfering with the actions of vermin on
duty. |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. Puffie has been admitted to the brig,
where he joins the Prince of Bigassia. |
| PRINCE |
And who or what might you be? |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, I'm just li'l ol' Puffie, an' I'm here to tell you stories, and
show you my pitchurs and my li'l puppets and be your frenny-wenny. |
| PRINCE |
Ah! Your captain has graciously sent us a jester. Begin, jester. Tell
us a story. |
| PUFFIE |
Okay! Once there was a widdle duckie named Mrs. Duckie, and here she
is... Say hi to the printh, Mrs. Duckie! (IN A QUACKY VOICE) "Hi, Mr. Printh.
I'm sad." Aw, why are you sad, Mrs Duckie-Wuckie? "I'm sad because I want
to swim, and there's no water in here..." |
| PRINCE |
That story does not amuse us, jester. Tell us a different one. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw. Well, thith is Mr. Bunny Wabbit, and he was soooo shy, that poor
Mr. Bunny Wabbit dinnent have any fwends, and this made him sooo sad that
one day he... |
| PRINCE |
All of your creatures are sad. That is very tedious. |
| PUFFIE |
But they don't stay sad! In the li'l stories, they all get happy
at the end! Doncha wanna hear? |
| PRINCE |
Now that we know how they'll end, why bother? Your captain should employ
better jesters. You are not the least bit funny. |
| PUFFIE |
Well, I'll draw you a funny pitchur. Hmmm-de-hmmm-hmmm. There! |
| PRINCE |
And what might that be? |
| PUFFIE |
It'th a puppy-dog tree! See all the widdle puppy dogs growing in the
tree? |
| PRINCE |
The humor escapes us. |
| PUFFIE |
Well, it's 'cause puppy dogs don't really grow in trees, silly! (GIGGLES) |
| PRINCE |
(YAWNS) Well, jester, if you truly care to perform us a service, you
might try catching some of those irritating big bugs. There's one now. |
| PUFFIE |
Ooooh! He's so cute! |
| UNTHING |
Hey, put me down, or I'll sue you! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, don't be afwaid of Puffie, li'l feller. I won't hurt ya! Aw, lookie,
Pwincie! He'th got a li'l ol' hat an' bwiefcase an'... |
| PRINCE |
We know what they have! Now do be a good jester, and kill it for us. |
| PUFFIE |
Kill the widdle buggie?? Oh, no, that would be mean! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in Worf's quarters... |
| SONG |
I am told that you wanted to see me, and since I know it can't possibly
be that you desire my company (after all, who would?), then I must surmise
that you want me to do something for you. Naturally. Nobody ever invites
me over just to visit. |
| WORF |
Grrr. As a matter of fact, I thought that you could do both of us a
favor. |
| SONG |
If you expect me to have the skill to do you or myself or anyone else
any kind of useful service, then I fear you will be sadly disappointed.
I am totally worthless. |
| WORF |
You like to eat bugs, don't you? |
| SONG |
I eat cockroaches on occasion, but I can't say it brings me pleasure,
exactly. I am not programmed to experience pleasure. So I can't really
say that I like to eat bugs. It's just something that I do. Not
that I know why I bother actually doing anything... |
| WORF |
Grwf! This room is full of these damn bugs. I wanted to invite you
to eat them. |
| SONG |
Oh... those! I can't eat those. They're too fast. I can't catch them. |
| WORF |
What do you mean, you can't catch them? You have android reflexes. |
| SONG |
Maybe Data does, but I'm just the Prototype, remember? If I tried to
move that fast, I'd just fall apart. Of course. Get Data to eat them for
you. He's the fast one with the great reflexes, not poor old Song. |
| WORF |
Data won't do it. |
| SONG |
Well, I can't say I blame him. They probably don't taste very good.
They certainly don't smell very good. |
| WORF |
I know! |
| NARRATOR |
Later, Captain Picard meets with Admiral Kirk in the Captain's ready
room. |
| PICARD |
Admiral, I thought that you, as the ranking officer here, might be
able to give us some guidance on dealing with these unthings. |
| KIRK |
Well, Captain, if it were up to me, I'd just say squish 'em. But things
have changed since my day... you know, the Prime Directive and all that.
You'll just have to contact the Federation Headquarters. |
| PICARD |
Thank you, Admiral. |
| NARRATOR |
Kirk leaves the ready room. |
| PICARD |
Damn. |
| NARRATOR |
A while later, Captain Picard succeeds in contacting Commander-in-Chief
Frontonia. |
| PICARD |
Sir, I have an, er... unusual problem. My ship is infested with sentient
vermin. |
| FRONTONIA |
You mean unthings? |
| PICARD |
That's right, sir. |
| FRONTONIA |
Well, Captain, we don't really have any policy regarding those people
yet. That's why we've interdicted all the planets they're known to inhabit. |
| PICARD |
So... what do we do? |
| FRONTONIA |
All I can tell you, Captain, is to deal with them as diplomatically
as possible. And, in the meantime, stay out of Federation space. We can't
have them spreading to any more ships, planets or space stations. |
| PICARD |
But... |
| FRONTONIA |
Your ship will be admitted back into Federation space as soon as you
have the unthing situation under control. Frontonia out. |
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