Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 15: The Unthings

By Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which the Enterprise crew finds that they have been infested, professionally, by a plague, and Data gets his emotion chip back.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC BREAKOUT
 
PICARD Lt. Commander Olestra, I think you should have the honor of saying the introduction today.
OLESTRA Why, thank you, my dear Captain. Oh, you needn't bother with that script... I won't need it.
PICARD Well, if you insist.
OLESTRA Space: the final battlefield. These are the conquests of the Alliance of the United Federation of Planets --
PICARD Ahem! Lt. Commander, that's not how it --
OLESTRA Really, sir! Weren't you ever told that it is inexcusably rude to interrupt? Now, as I was saying... Its mission: to destroy the QXN Alliance, to reclaim the freedom of the Federation, to --
NARRATOR Uh ... Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
 
PICARD Captain's personal log: We are still in orbit around the planet Sarcodine IV, having the final repairs done on the Enterprise computers. We should be seeing the last of our trouble from her for a while, but unfortunately there are other problems to deal with. A mysterious visitor, Lt. Commander Olestra Smith, has come here from the future with the intent of stopping the duel between the Prince of Bigassia and Lt. Commander Worf, but her time travel device is now seriously damaged. Mr. Worf has been confined to quarters for his irresponsible actions, and the Prince will stay in the brig until we reach Federation Headquarters. The two ensigns who accompanied them to the planet are also confined to quarters for acting as seconds in the prohibited duel.
NARRATOR As the Enterprise is given a final check, one of the technicians from the repair station talks to Captain Picard.
TECHNICIAN Well, Captain, the ship looks pretty good, overall. By the way, I've been asked to inform you that, while you're here, none of your crewmen are to visit Sarcodine IV. Starfleet just recently interdicted it.
PICARD Er... Oh, really? Why?
TECHNICIAN Well, I haven't been told the details yet, sir. I think it's because of some sort of plague.
PICARD (WORRIED) Plague?!
TECHNICIAN Don't worry about it, sir. Nobody on our station has been to the planet recently.
PICARD No, of course not.
NARRATOR A short while later, repairs are completed on the Enterprise, and the ship leaves orbit to head for Federation Headquarters. Meanwhile, Captain Picard discusses the situation with the ship's medical staff, Lt. Commander Data, and Commander Riker.
PICARD Well, to add insult to injury, I've just been informed that the damned planet where those two decided to fight their duel has been interdicted by Starfleet because of some sort of plague. Unless you have any objections, Mr. Riker, or any of you, I've decided not to inform Starfleet Command of the time spent by my officers and myself on the planet. Unless, of course, circumstances force our hand.
RIKER Makes sense to me, sir. After all, the damage has already been done, and none of us was  aware of the interdiction at the time.
DR. CRUSHER Right. But if there is some kind of plague down there, we have to check over every person on this ship, starting with the people who have actually been on the planet.
PICARD I was getting to that, Doctor. Every person in the medical staff is going to have to work on this to get it done in any reasonable amount of time. You, Dr. Smith, and Dr. McCoy will have to start as soon as possible. We must get it done before we reach Starfleet headquarters.
DATA Lal could be of assistance also, sir.
PICARD Good. The more people working on this, the better. It's going to be a monstrous task.
NARRATOR Later, as the medical team begins work on the crew, Geordi visits Data in Data's quarters.
GEORDI Well, I've finally got some free time. Geez, it's been a hard few weeks. Are you ready for your emotion chip, Data?
DATA Yes, Geordi. I have been waiting for that.
GEORDI Okay. Let me just open your head.
SFX: CLICK!
 
GEORDI Say, Data, do you think you might be able to help fix this Olestra person's time travel device? Most of us in engineering can't make heads or tails of the technology she used. She says we're all living in the dark ages.
DATA Apparently Starfleet technology is considerably more advanced in her time period than in ours.
GEORDI Yeah. You know, she sure does look familiar, but of course it's impossible that I could have met her before. There you go, Data. All set.
SFX: CLICK!
 
DATA Thank you, Geordi. I am experiencing delight at my ability to feel emotions again. I must go tell the Captain that my chip has been reinstalled, and then I will help you in Engineering.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Sickbay, Dr. Crusher examines the enigmatic Olestra.
DR. CRUSHER Oh... you must be that visitor from the future. I don't think I ever got your name.
OLESTRA Olestra.
DR. CRUSHER Really? You know, Olestra has always been my favorite girl's name. In fact, if my son Wesley had been a girl, that's what I would have named him.
OLESTRA Oh, yes, well... It's a fine name. I'm happy with it.
DR. CRUSHER Well, we all owe a lot to you for what you've done for us, Olestra.
OLESTRA That's quite all right, Dr. Crusher. I owe my life to you and your husband.
DR. CRUSHER What do you mean?
OLESTRA (COMPLACENTLY) Only time will tell, Doctor. Have you seen any signs of that plague?
DR. CRUSHER As a matter of fact, no. Do you have any idea what kind of plague it is?
OLESTRA No, not really. What with the war and everything, I think all of that was forgotten pretty quickly in my timeline.
DR. CRUSHER Hmm. I suppose it would be. Well, Olestra, you show absolutely no signs of ill health. Lal, please enter Commander Olestra's medical data into the computer, will you?
LAL Yes, Doctor.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Lt. Commander Worf pages Dr. Crusher in sickbay.
WORF (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Doctor, I think I might have that plague after all.
DR. CRUSHER Worf, I already checked you over. I didn't find a thing.
WORF I know, but I think it might have been latent in me until now. I seem to be hallucinating.
DR. CRUSHER Hmmm... that doesn't sound good. Well, I'm up to my ears in work right now, but I'll send Zachary over there to check you out again. Crusher out. Zachary!
DR. SMITH Yes, my dear?
DR. CRUSHER I'd like you to go give Worf another examination. He claims to be hallucinating.
DR. SMITH (ALARMED) You want me to examine that creature?!
DR. CRUSHER For heaven's sake, Zachary, he's not a creature! Just go in there and test him out.
DR. SMITH But you see, my dear, I know very little about Klingon anatomy. I don't think I could...
DR. CRUSHER Zachary, all you have to do is see if the medical tricorder says he checks out okay.
DR. SMITH Oh, very well.
NARRATOR Dr. Smith enters Mr. Worf's quarters.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. SMITH (NERVOUSLY) Hello, sir. Am I to understand that you are having trouble with... hallucinations?
WORF Yes, doctor. I am quite worried. Klingons are not known to hallucinate. That is more of a Vulcan or human trait.
DR. SMITH What sort of hallucinations, if you don't mind my inquiring?
WORF I see bugs.
DR. SMITH Is that so unusual? I mean, you do have insects in the 24th century, do you not?
WORF Not like these. These are big bugs wearing business suits and hats, and carrying brief-cases. And they talk. They are extremely irritating.
DR. SMITH Good heavens! Are you seeing any right now?
WORF No. They all ran and hid when you came in.
DR. SMITH Well, sir, I have no idea how to explain the bugs, but, if I am reading this instrument correctly, there isn't a thing wrong with you.
WORF Then maybe my quarters really are full of talking vermin!
DR. SMITH If we were back on the Jupiter II, I would think you were feeling the effects of Maureen's cooking. Not that the food here is any better. In many ways it's worse.
WORF Is that some kind of medical opinion, doctor?
DR. SMITH It is my personal opinion, my interesting friend.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in the Captain's quarters...
DATA The emotion chip has been installed, sir.
PICARD Yes, Data... and?
DATA And now I have my emotions again, sir.
PICARD Of course, Data, but your feelings about me...
DATA I again find you most attractive, Captain.
PICARD But, but... Your chip has been restored to its original programming!
DATA Love transcends programming, Captain.
PICARD Oh, Data! That is the best... You just don't know... Forgive me, I find myself speechless.
DATA And yet you just spoke several words, sir.
PICARD I feel as if the weight of the universe has been lifted off my shoulders. Things are finally starting to go right again.
DATA Yes, Captain.
PICARD I realize that you are busy, Data, as we all are, and I know that you have tasks awaiting you on your agenda. But before you leave... I have written another song for you. Would you like to hear it?
DATA Yes, sir, very much.
PICARD Very well. It's called "Data." Well, actually it's called "Dinah," but I changed the words around a little. Ahem: (SINGING) Data... is there anyone greater... from Omicron Theta? If there is and you know him, show him to me. Oh, Data... I would hop a freighter... just to be with my Data! Every little night why do I shake with fright because my Data might, change his mind about his loving little Captain! Data... is there anyone greater... from Omicron Theta? If there is and you know him, show him to me!
DATA Oh, Captain!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Zachary finds a little time to be alone with Beverly.
DR. CRUSHER Bugs dressed up in business suits???
DR. SMITH That is what he claimed, my dear. And from the sound of it, I would prefer a hallucinating monster to real bugs in business suits.
DR. CRUSHER Zachary! Worf is NOT a monster!
DR. SMITH I suppose that depends on your definition of monster. Please don't be cross with me, my dear. I am not myself.
DR. CRUSHER Oh? Who are you, then?
DR. SMITH What I mean to say is that I am not feeling well. Overwork and lack of good food... I have not had a decent meal since coming aboard this vessel. And my poor Iphigenia is getting positively emaciated! She won't eat that stuff, either!
DR. CRUSHER Well, dear, I know that space rations aren't very appealing, but you'll get used to it. So will Iphigenia.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Deanna's quarters...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
RIKER You wanted to see me, Deanna?
DEANNA Yes, Will. You see, my underwear has been disappearing again, and...
RIKER I'm not responsible this time, Deanna. In fact, my underwear has been disappearing, too.
DEANNA Really!
RIKER Yes, and other things... my toothbrush, my hairbrush, my mustache curler, the ranking pips off of one of my uniforms...
DEANNA Now that you mention it, I haven't been able to find any of Lackadick's pacifiers! And something seems to have removed all the blue paint from the oil painting my mother gave me. I don't look at that hideous thing very often, but I noticed it the other day. And of all things, some picture frames have disappeared, although the pictures are still there.
RIKER I don't know about the blue paint, but the rest of this sounds like the work of some kind of sneak thief. You don't suppose it's that woman from the future, do you?
DEANNA Olestra? Oh, definitely not. She's not the sneaky type.
SFX: COMMUNICATOR
 
RIKER Riker here.
ENSIGN Commander, can you help us here? I'm at Ensign Peicewise's quarters, sir, and the Ensign, he's having some sort of fit!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR We will return after this message from our sponsor.
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SFX: RECEIVER BEING HUNG UP
 
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Commander Riker has just returned from Ensign Peicewise's quarters, and is discussing his discovery with the medical staff.
RIKER Well, it seems that Peicewise is having some sort of mental breakdown. He keeps ranting about his quarters being full of talking bugs, with clothing.
DR. SMITH Good heavens!
DR. CRUSHER That's exactly what Worf said!
RIKER You mean Worf is hallucinating, too?
DR. SMITH Well, that is what he thought, but it seems unlikely to me that he and the good ensign would be having exactly the same hallucinations.
DR. CRUSHER Well, gentlemen, I think I know what kind of plague we're dealing with. It isn't a disease; it's a plague of vermin.
RIKER But that's ridiculous! Who ever heard of talking bugs?
BONES If she's right, then there isn't any reason for me to stick around here anymore. I'm a doctor, not an exterminator.
RIKER Hmmm. Maybe we should get Worf to catch one of them. Then we'd know if they were real.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Greetings.
DR. CRUSHER Ah, hello, Data. How can we help you?
DATA I wish to ask Dr. Smith something.
DR. SMITH Ask away, my mechanical friend.
DATA May I borrow your cat?
DR. SMITH (SUSPICIOUSLY) And what, pray tell, are you planning to do with my Iphigenia?
DATA I do not intend her harm. I have modified my universal translator to be able to translate the utterances of my cat. However, Spot is not inclined to be vocal today, so I thought, perhaps, if he were put together with another cat, they might converse.
DR. SMITH You mean you have invented such a thing? And it works?
DATA I believe so. However, I have not yet tested it fully. As I said, Spot is not inclined to talk to himself.
DR. SMITH Well, surely you can use this device to talk to him.
DATA I wanted to observe the spontaneous remarks of cats under normal circumstances, without my interference.
DR. SMITH I find the idea quite intriguing. Would you mind if I observe your experiment?
DATA Not at all.
NARRATOR Data and Dr. Smith go to Data's quarters, with Iphigenia in tow.
DATA Here we are.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Spot! Come out... there is someone I want you to meet. Ah, here he comes. Please hold Iphigenia while I turn on the translator.
SFX: CLICK!
 
NARRATOR Dr. Smith releases Iphigenia, and Spot approaches her.
SPOT Greetings, fair lady. I art Rulisticon the Spacefarer. Tarry not, but give me thy name, that I may know thee.
IPHIGENIA Avast, ye rogue! Cometh thee not a step closer, or soon thy head shall ring with the buffets of my fists. I art swift of claw and tooth, and he who art wise dare not approach me!
SPOT Thou doest me wrong, fair one. I wish thee no harm. Meseemeth that 'tis thou that hast come into mine own quarters unbid!
IPHIGENIA Begone from my presence forthwith, scoundrel, and thou shalt keep the use of thine eyes.
SPOT Yea, I shall depart anon. But first, give me but the pleasure of knowing thy name, fiery maid.
DR. SMITH (BEWILDERED) Why... they sound just like Robin Hood!
NARRATOR Both cats turn to stare at Dr. Smith.
SPOT Hist and hark! Yon behemoth speaks with cultured tongue!
IPHIGENIA Yea, oft have I bemused myself with the fancy that my Muffy showeth signs of sentience.
DR. SMITH Muffy?! My dear madam!
IPHIGENIA After so many years as my pet, knowest ye not thine own name?
DR. SMITH Your pet? Iphigenia, my dear, I think you are somewhat confused as to our relationship. You are my pet.
IPHIGENIA (LAUGHING) Ah, my dear simple Muffy. Methinks it be thou who art confused. I have been thy faithful mistress since kittenhood.
DR. SMITH Well, think what you like, but I must insist that you not call my Muffy! I'll have you know that my name is Zachary!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in engineering, Geordi, Scotty, and Elizabeth the Robot look on as Olestra tries to fix her wrist-mounted trans-temporal displacement device.
OLESTRA Well, since you people don't have any temporal monopolar transducers, I guess I'll have to cobble one together out of whatever miscellaneous old junk you happen to have here. But it's not going to fit on my wrist anymore.
GEORDI Our stuff may seem like junk to you, but it isn't old. At least not yet. It's the most up-to-date equipment in Federation space.
OLESTRA Yes, of course, my friend. But it's old to me.
SCOTTY These new-fangled gadgets seem downright miraculous to me, Miss Olestra. And your wee device is nothin' more nor less than magic!
ROBOT Machines are not magic. Magic is a human misconception.
OLESTRA Now, where is that microprocessor adjudicator? I just had it in my hand and now it's gone. Did one of you pick it up?
GEORDI No, but I just saw it over here a moment ago.
OLESTRA Yes, well, it's not here now. One would think you people had an infestation of unthings the way things keep disappearing!
SCOTTY Unthings? And what might they be?
OLESTRA They're mythological, sentient insectoids. According to legend, they're about this big...
SCOTTY Oh, aye, and they be wearin' little clothes and hats! I've been seein' those about. I thought they were some sort of new-fangled cockroach. People are always improving on the old models so fast a poor old engineer just can't be keepin' up!
OLESTRA Don't be silly. Unthings aren't real; they're a myth, like gremlins or leprechauns.
SCOTTY I don't know, lassie -- these were real enough.
NARRATOR Will Robinson comes running into Engineering.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WILL Hey, everybody! Guess what!
OLESTRA And who is this noisy and impetuous intruder?
WILL I'm sorry to interrupt, ma'am. I'm Will Robinson. Golly, is that your time travel machine?
OLESTRA It was.
WILL Gee, everything must sure change a lot in the future.
OLESTRA Yes, including you.
WILL Me???
OLESTRA Yes, but never mind. I shouldn't comment. Contingency and paradox, you know.
WILL Golly, do you know me when I'm a grown-up?
OLESTRA Time will tell. I certainly won't.
GEORDI What did you want to tell us, Will?
WILL Oh, yeah! Dr. Smith and Dr. Crusher are gonna adopt me!
ROBOT Eh???
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR We will return to our story after a brief message from our sponsor.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. We find Dr. Crusher, Deanna, and Uhura chatting with Guinan in Ten Forward. Deanna has her baby, Lackadick, with her, and Wesley stands nearby. Olestra enters and approaches the group.
UHURA Well, look who's here! How's it going, sugar?
OLESTRA I swear, if I were to spend one more moment trying to cobble together that accursed temporal translocator, I would lose what's left of my sanity. It's so nerve-wracking, trying to work on such delicate equipment with such primitive tools.
DR. CRUSHER How far into the future do you come from?
OLESTRA Oh, only a generation, but wartime stimulates the development of technology, you know. Oh... is that Lackadick?
DEANNA Yes.
OLESTRA So, you were always cute, weren't you, you little devil?
DEANNA You know my Lackadick?
OLESTRA Oh, very well. But I mustn't elaborate.
NARRATOR Dr. Smith runs into Ten Forward, wearing his nightclothes.
DR. SMITH Beverly! Beverly, my dear... Something terrible has happened! Ah... hello, Olestra, my dear.
OLESTRA Doctor.
DR. CRUSHER Zachary? What on earth is going on? What are you doing here in you pajamas?
DR. SMITH Oh, Beverly... Someone has stolen my pants... in fact, my entire uniform is gone!
WESLEY Are you kidding? Like, who'd want that dorky outfit?
DR. CRUSHER Wesley!
DR. SMITH Young man, if this is some sort of trick of yours...
WESLEY No way!
DEANNA Everyone's been losing things lately. I wonder if we have some sort of thief on the ship.
UHURA I'm wondering if it has something to do with all those weird big bugs I've been seeing.
OLESTRA (EXASPERATED) Oh! Not you, too! I'm wondering if there's some kind of mass hallucination going on aboard this ship.
GUINAN Well, I'm not one to sample my own wares, so I know I'm not hallucinating... but I am seeing one of those things right now.
NARRATOR A large insectoid, dressed in a business suit, staggers out onto the bar.
UNTHING (SINGING IN A SLURRED VOICE) Daaaarling, I am growing oooold... (hic!) Siiiiilver threads among the (hic!) gooooold...!
DR. SMITH, DR. CRUSHER AND OLESTRA They're real!
DR. SMITH Good heavens...
UNTHING (SPEAKING IN A SLURRED VOICE) Of course I'm real. Are you intimating that I ain't? 'Cause if you are, I'm gonna sue you for slander! (hic!) Well, I guess I'll let you off this time. I'm a nice guy.
GUINAN So you're the damned bug who's been getting into my supplies!
UNTHING Hey... If you swear at me, I'll sue you for causing me mental anguish. I'm very religious.
DR. SMITH Someone get a shoe!
UNTHING You can't squish me... I'm a lawyer.
DR. SMITH All the more reason to squish you. Beverly, hand me a shoe.
UNTHING I'm warning you...
GUINAN Dead lawyers can't sue.
UNTHING No, but my friends can. They're all lawyers. All of us are lawyers. And we always win, too. You know it's a capital offense to kill an Unthing? (Hic!)
DR. SMITH Only if the judge and jury are unthings.
DR. CRUSHER Great. It's bad enough that we've got vermin, but now they turn out to be lawyers, too.
UHURA I'd say that's kind of redundant.
DR. SMITH Not only is he a lawyer, he's staggering drunk.
UNTHING More slander! I'm not drunk; I'm just happy. I'm gonna sue the whole lot of you. I'm gonna sue you for slander, assault, attempted murder, harrassment...
OLESTRA We can sue you for theft, you know.
UNTHING It's not theft... it's survival! You know that denying a sentient being the food it needs to sustain itself is a war crime under galactic law, so there's not a damned thing you can do about us! (CACKLES DRUNKENLY)
NARRATOR The unthing passes out on the counter.
GUINAN Squish him now!
DEANNA Um, I don't know... We're not supposed to kill sentient beings except in self defense or warfare.
OLESTRA Well, declare a war, and then squish him.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in the Captain's ready room...
RIKER Sir, that damned Prince in the brig is being a real pain in the ass. He keeps pestering Security with endless demands.
PICARD Really? Well, send Puffie in there with orders to keep his majesty entertained.
RIKER Yes, sir!
NARRATOR And in Worf's quarters...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA You wish to see me, Worf?
WORF Data! Thank you for coming. I was wondering... if you might be feeling hungry.
DATA I do not experience hunger, Worf, although I often eat for pleasure or to replenish trace elements.
WORF (WHISPERING) But you like to eat bugs, right? My quarters are full of bugs, big ones. I thought they might taste like cockroaches.
DATA (WHISPERING) An interesting thought. And have you ascertained that they do taste like cockroaches?
WORF (WHISPERING) I can't quite catch 'em. They're too damned fast. But with your android reflexes, that shouldn't be a problem.
DATA (WHISPERING) Why are we whispering?
WORF (WHISPERING) Why do you think? I don't want the bugs to hear us.
DATA (PUZZLED) Oh. Well, I shall endeavor to catch one.
WORF There's one now!
SFX: SCUFFLING AND SQUEALING
 
DATA Worf, I have effected a capture. Now, let us see...
UNTHING No, don't eat me! You can't eat me! It's illegal!
WORF Don't listen to it, Data! Just eat it!
DATA Worf, I cannot eat a sentient being! It is against my programming.
UNTHING That's right! I'm sentient! I'm very sentient! My name's Harvey! I've got a wife and kids! Lots of kids! If you eat me, my poor wife would be a widow! My kids would never forgive you! You'd go to jail! You'd have to pay child support! And... and... maybe even alimony!
DATA Do not fear, insect. I shall not eat you.
UNTHING Don't call me "insect." I could sue you for that. I'm an Unthing, and a senior officer in the Intergalactic Vermin Guild, I'll have you know. I'm a professional infestor, and I take my job very seriously. I'm just doing my job here. I could sue you for manhandling me, and for illegal seizure of my person, and for interfering with the actions of vermin on duty.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR We will return to Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, after this message from our sponsor.
SFX: SUCKING, SLURPING NOISE
 
MALL GIRL 1 Like, what's that?
MALL GIRL 2 Oh, like, that's my new Ever-Shur Vacu-Fresh from Redox! Now I can wear white pants like these any time of month that I want without having to worry about... like, you know!
MALL GIRL 1 Gee, how does it work?
MALL GIRL 2 Well, like, there's this little vacuum thing, and it, like, sucks out all the stuff and stores it in this cute little flowered bag that I wear over my hips. I can dispose of it anytime, in any toilet. Like, it's totally discreet!
MALL GIRL 1 You mean, like, you don't need any more pads or tampons and stuff?
CHEESY AD LADY That's right! We're helping women stay fresh, and drier than ever before with the Ever-Shur Vacu-Fresh from Redox!
MALL GIRL 1 Gee, I wish I had one of those at my sister's wedding last year!
BOTH GIRLS (GIGGLING)
CHEESY SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. Puffie has been admitted to the brig, where he joins the Prince of Bigassia.
PRINCE And who or what might you be?
PUFFIE Aw, I'm just li'l ol' Puffie, an' I'm here to tell you stories, and show you my pitchurs and my li'l puppets and be your frenny-wenny.
PRINCE Ah! Your captain has graciously sent us a jester. Begin, jester. Tell us a story.
PUFFIE Okay! Once there was a widdle duckie named Mrs. Duckie, and here she is... Say hi to the printh, Mrs. Duckie! (IN A QUACKY VOICE) "Hi, Mr. Printh. I'm sad." Aw, why are you sad, Mrs Duckie-Wuckie? "I'm sad because I want to swim, and there's no water in here..."
PRINCE That story does not amuse us, jester. Tell us a different one.
PUFFIE Aw. Well, thith is Mr. Bunny Wabbit, and he was soooo shy, that poor Mr. Bunny Wabbit dinnent have any fwends, and this made him sooo sad that one day he...
PRINCE All of your creatures are sad. That is very tedious.
PUFFIE But they don't stay sad! In the li'l stories, they all get happy at the end! Doncha wanna hear?
PRINCE Now that we know how they'll end, why bother? Your captain should employ better jesters. You are not the least bit funny.
PUFFIE Well, I'll draw you a funny pitchur. Hmmm-de-hmmm-hmmm. There!
PRINCE And what might that be?
PUFFIE It'th a puppy-dog tree! See all the widdle puppy dogs growing in the tree?
PRINCE The humor escapes us.
PUFFIE Well, it's 'cause puppy dogs don't really grow in trees, silly! (GIGGLES)
PRINCE (YAWNS) Well, jester, if you truly care to perform us a service, you might try catching some of those irritating big bugs. There's one now.
PUFFIE Ooooh! He's so cute!
UNTHING Hey, put me down, or I'll sue you!
PUFFIE Aw, don't be afwaid of Puffie, li'l feller. I won't hurt ya! Aw, lookie, Pwincie! He'th got a li'l ol' hat an' bwiefcase an'...
PRINCE We know what they have! Now do be a good jester, and kill it for us.
PUFFIE Kill the widdle buggie?? Oh, no, that would be mean!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Worf's quarters...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
SONG I am told that you wanted to see me, and since I know it can't possibly be that you desire my company (after all, who would?), then I must surmise that you want me to do something for you. Naturally. Nobody ever invites me over just to visit.
WORF Grrr. As a matter of fact, I thought that you could do both of us a favor.
SONG If you expect me to have the skill to do you or myself or anyone else any kind of useful service, then I fear you will be sadly disappointed. I am totally worthless.
WORF You like to eat bugs, don't you?
SONG I eat cockroaches on occasion, but I can't say it brings me pleasure, exactly. I am not programmed to experience pleasure. So I can't really say that I like to eat bugs. It's just something that I do. Not that I know why I bother actually doing anything...
WORF Grwf! This room is full of these damn bugs. I wanted to invite you to eat them.
SONG Oh... those! I can't eat those. They're too fast. I can't catch them.
WORF What do you mean, you can't catch them? You have android reflexes.
SONG Maybe Data does, but I'm just the Prototype, remember? If I tried to move that fast, I'd just fall apart. Of course. Get Data to eat them for you. He's the fast one with the great reflexes, not poor old Song.
WORF Data won't do it.
SONG Well, I can't say I blame him. They probably don't taste very good. They certainly don't smell very good.
WORF I know!
NARRATOR Later, Captain Picard meets with Admiral Kirk in the Captain's ready room.
PICARD Admiral, I thought that you, as the ranking officer here, might be able to give us some guidance on dealing with these unthings.
KIRK Well, Captain, if it were up to me, I'd just say squish 'em. But things have changed since my day... you know, the Prime Directive and all that. You'll just have to contact the Federation Headquarters.
PICARD Thank you, Admiral.
NARRATOR Kirk leaves the ready room.
PICARD Damn.
NARRATOR A while later, Captain Picard succeeds in contacting Commander-in-Chief Frontonia.
PICARD Sir, I have an, er... unusual problem. My ship is infested with sentient vermin.
FRONTONIA You mean unthings?
PICARD That's right, sir.
FRONTONIA Well, Captain, we don't really have any policy regarding those people yet. That's why we've interdicted all the planets they're known to inhabit.
PICARD So... what do we do?
FRONTONIA All I can tell you, Captain, is to deal with them as diplomatically as possible. And, in the meantime, stay out of Federation space. We can't have them spreading to any more ships, planets or space stations.
PICARD But...
FRONTONIA Your ship will be admitted back into Federation space as soon as you have the unthing situation under control. Frontonia out.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!

Return to the Star Tricked Menu.

Published 8/9/99.
 
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