| PICARD |
Captain's log: We have been exiled from Federation Space until we can
deal with a group of small insectoid people, the Unthings, that have taken
up residence in our ship. Although I in no way condone Mr. Worf's actions,
he has been released from his quarters since he is a necessary member of
our personnel at this time. At the soonest opportunity, I will meet with
my senior crew members to discuss a possible course of action. |
| NARRATOR |
Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Lt. Commander Data, Lt. Commander
Worf, Dr. Crusher, Counselor Troi, Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge, and Ensigns
Sock and Soredick meet in the conference room. |
| PICARD |
"Deal with them as diplomatically as possible." That's all they could
tell me. |
| SOCK |
It is not logical to allow enemies to invade the ship. |
| PICARD |
Well, they aren't technically enemies, Ensign. We're not in a state
of war with them. |
| WORF |
Like Commander Olestra keeps saying, just declare a war. |
| PICARD |
We don't have the authority to declare a war, Mr. Worf. Besides, the
Unthings are just annoying. They haven't done any significant damage to
the ship's systems. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
It's strange. I wonder what it is about those little things that causes
one to hate them on sight. |
| DATA |
I believe you are not hating them on sight, but on smell. They release
a pheromone that triggers irritability in most organic beings. |
| RIKER |
You know, Captain, I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm sorry you
did bring this up with the Federation. We could have just quietly infused
the ship's ventilation system with insecticide. |
| PICARD |
But that would be committing genocide! |
| WORF |
Situations like this sometimes call for desperate measures, Captain.
I say we do it, whether the Federation knows about them or not. We can
just say they got sick. |
| PICARD |
I don't think so. It would be easy enough to run autopsies on them
and find traces of the poison. Besides, it wouldn't be right. |
| RIKER |
Actually, I'm not sure the Federation would even investigate. |
| PICARD |
No, but the Unthings would. |
| WORF |
(ANGRILY) Then let's evacuate the ship and set it to self destruct! |
| PICARD |
(ALSO ANGRY) No! Absolutely not! We won't sacrifice the Enterprise
over a bunch of damn bugs! |
| DEANNA |
Captain! Worf! I think we're all getting a little too carried away
here. Please try to calm down and be rational. You two aren't dialoguing. |
| GEORDI |
If we did destroy the ship, where would we go? Besides, the Unthings
would probably press charges. |
| UNTHING |
That's right! You have no idea how much trouble you'd be in if you
even tried it! |
| DEANNA |
You know, I had a feeling this meeting was bugged. |
| UNTHING |
You got that right, sister. We're everywhere. You can't have secret
meetings. We're going to be watching your every move, and if you even try
anything, we'll have our best lawyers on you. So you people had better
learn to just accept us. We're gonna coexist from now on, whether you like
it or not. We filled up the Andromeda Galaxy, and we're gonna fill you
guys up, too! |
| NARRATOR |
Later, Elizabeth the Robot approaches Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher and Wesley
Crusher in Dr. Smith and Dr. Crusher's shared quarters. |
| ROBOT |
Dr. Smith, I heard that you are adopting Will Robinson. |
| DR. SMITH |
Yes, it seemed a shame for a boy like Will to be deprived of a family
at his tender age. |
| ROBOT |
If you are adopting Will, you must adopt me, too. |
| WESLEY |
Like, no freaking way, man! I am, like, no way gonna have a
stupid robot for a brother. It's bad enough they're adopting that dorky
Will Robinson. |
| DR. SMITH |
Although I hardly approve of your words about Will, young man, I must
say that I agree with you completely about the Robot. Absolutely not, you
mechanical ninny. It's almost as preposterous as your earlier suggestion
that I marry you. |
| ROBOT |
My computers are very hurt. I have been rejected again. I deserve a
family. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I don't understand. Why would you even want to be adopted? It just
doesn't make sense. |
| ROBOT |
I want someone to tuck me in at night, and read me stories, and bring
me oil and cookies, and kiss me goodnight, and wipe my nose for me when
I am sick, and tell me to brush my teeth, and... |
| DR. SMITH |
You don't have any teeth, you ninny! Kiss you goodnight indeed. I think
I'd almost rather kiss the Major. |
| ROBOT |
You have insulted me! Fine, then. I do not want to be adopted by you.
I do not even know you. You and I are strangers from now on. |
| DR. SMITH |
If only that were true, you bellicose bumpkin. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Why don't you get Data to adopt you? I'm sure he'd be willing. |
| DR. SMITH |
Even better, talk to that beastly Puffie about it. |
| ROBOT |
No. He has already threatened to redecorate me. If you do not want
me, I will go. Good-bye. |
| NARRATOR |
Wesley leaves. |
| DR. SMITH |
(SLOWLY) Am I to understand that this means we are not visiting Earth
as planned? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
That's right. I'm sorry. Remember, it's only until we figure out a
way to deal with them. |
| DR. SMITH |
(PANIC STRICKEN) What?! What?! No... It can't be true! I must be cursed!
Doomed never to set foot on Earth again! Oh... Oh, the pain of it all...
Beverly, I must go back! Why did I ever get involved with that Jupiter
2 mission... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I know this is hard for you Zachary, but we have to follow our orders
from the Federation. We don't have a choice. |
| DR. SMITH |
(DESOLATE) Hard? My dear Beverly! It is intolerable! To be condemned
to remain a galactic castaway forever... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(IRRITATED) Well, what do you expect me to do about it, Zachary?! Do
you think I like this? I don't, not any more than you do. You're
just going to have to put up with it like all the rest of us! (SIGHS) I'm
sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I've just been so edgy lately.
Everyone has been since those bugs got on board. |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, my dear, spending an eternity in space won't be so bad if I can
spend it with you. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Zachary... I hope you can keep that it mind, because I have something
else to tell you... |
| DR. SMITH |
Not more bad news! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, I hope not! Zachary... I'm pregnant! |
| DR. SMITH |
Good heavens! I never expected to become a father at my age! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'm not sure how it happened. I have an Ovulock. But it must have been
dislodged by the Zachary Maneuver. |
| DR. SMITH |
Or the Beverly Maneuver. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Either way, I didn't think it was possible to dislodge an Ovulock.
But I can't say I'm sorry. In fact, I'm very excited about it. Are you,
Zachary? |
| DR. SMITH |
My dear Beverly, you can't begin to imagine how excited I am. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, now that I've told you, I'll have to tell Wesley and Will. Won't
they be surprised! |
| NARRATOR |
We will return to Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration after a word
from our sponsor. |
| RIKER |
(OFF MIKE) Hey, Data, have you been lying around in something
soluble? |
| DATA |
(OFF MIKE) What do you mean, sir? |
| RIKER |
(OFF MIKE) Your skin looks rough and pitted, like metal that's
been sitting in acid. |
| DATA |
I was very embarrassed. My skin had been eroded by constant bombardment
by micrometeorites! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right! A human's biological skin constantly sloughs off and
repairs damage done by micrometeorite impact. But the damage simply accumulates
on irreplaceable android skin. |
| DATA |
This is unfortunate. Can anything be done to prevent this problem? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
What you need is Cosmic Shield for Androids, from Redox! Simply apply
Redox Cosmic Shield to android skin and it will form a protective layer
that cannot be penetrated by micrometeorites, cosmic radiation, or other
small impacts! |
| DATA |
I will endeavor to procure some immediately! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Redox Cosmic Shield for Androids. Another innovative product from Redox. |
| CHEESY SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. We find the Robot spending some time
alone in the cargo bay. |
| ROBOT |
I am not jealous. It is a human emotion. I am not jealous. It
is a human emotion. I am not jealous. It is a human emotion! |
| UNTHING 1 |
Hey, a little repetitive, aren't you, Bub? |
| ROBOT |
Eh?! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Wesley is in his quarters, by himself... |
| WESLEY |
Ahh... Ohh... Uh... Mmmm... |
| UNTHING 2 |
Hey, kid, dontcha know that'll make you go blind? |
| WESLEY |
(ALARMED) Huh?! |
| NARRATOR |
And, in Riker's quarters... |
| RIKER |
(MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) I love this bra... so silky.. so soft... ooh,
that lace... |
| UNTHING 3 |
Hubba, hubba! Nice threads, pal! |
| RIKER |
Wha-- augh! |
| NARRATOR |
And, in Dr. Crusher's quarters... |
| UHURA |
Hello? Who's there? |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
We are Shobijin. |
| NARRATOR |
Two women, about a foot tall, step out of the foliage. |
| UHURA |
You're what? Oh! Why... you're... you're tiny! |
| SHOBIJIN 2 |
You must be the great Earth goddess from the ancient legends! |
| UHURA |
My! Last time I checked, I was just a lieutenant. No, you've got the
wrong lady, sugar. I'm Uhura, not a goddess. |
| SHOBIJIN |
(TOGETHER) We know you are the goddess! The legends tell of a beautiful
goddess from Earth, who would come to us dressed all in red... |
| UHURA |
How would you even know about Earth? |
| SHOBIJIN |
(TOGETHER) Our people used to live there, on Infant Island, along with
the Dai Kaiju, but we were persecuted so terribly that we fled into space
and settled here, along with the Dai Kaiju. |
| UHURA |
But... what are Dai Kaiju? |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
You must know what they are! |
| SHOBIJIN 2 |
They are the great monsters. Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan... |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
...Baragon, Anguirus, and all the others. |
| SHOBIJIN |
(TOGETHER) But before we tell you more, you must drink the sacred nectar.
Take one of those orange fruits and open it. |
| NARRATOR |
Uhura picks one of the pieces of fruit and takes off part of the peel.
She drinks the juice inside. |
| UHURA |
Hmm... a little peculiar, but not bad. What... is... it... |
| NARRATOR |
Uhura falls, unconscious, to the jungle floor. Meanwhile, the rest
of the group confers... |
| KIRK |
I say Prime Directive be damned. Let's just kill 'em. |
| BONES |
Here, here. |
| PICARD |
Er, well, Admiral, although I'm sure many of us agree with you, I really
don't think it would be an appropriate course of action. |
| DEANNA |
Why don't you try negotiating with them? |
| PICARD |
That is a good point. Maybe they would respond better if we took a
friendly approach. |
| KIRK |
Captain, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to negotiate with a bunch of
damned bugs. |
| PICARD |
I don't see that we have much choice in this matter, sir. We can hardly
disregard the Prime Directive, especially when dealing with a race of lawyers. |
| DEANNA |
I think the Captain is right, sir. We have to handle this in as mature
and responsible a way as possible. |
| KIRK |
Well... all right. But if they get out of line, I'm getting out the
bug spray. Let's call Uhura, and then we'll get back to the ship. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message. |
| WIFE |
Honey, why are you still eating that old Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract
hamburger? |
| HUSBAND |
Why, dear, you know that Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract has been my
favorite since I was a kid. |
| WIFE |
I know, dear, but now we have New, Improved Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract
hamburger! It's even better! |
| HUSBAND |
Even better? Is that possible? |
| WIFE |
Try it and see! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right! Try our new, improved hamburger product and see for yourself!
Simply squeeze a tube of bun concentrate into the hamburger mold, add a
layer of Fletcher Paste's Hamburger Paste, and heat for ten seconds in
your microwave! You have a delicious, authentic-tasting hamburger that
requires no tooth-damaging chewing! Our product now comes with four new
choices of flavor packets: onion, mustard, peanut butter, and mandarin
orange! |
| HUSBAND |
Wow, honey! This is great! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Another fine innovation from Fletcher Paste Mammal Extracts. |
| CHEESY SINGERS |
Fletcher Paste Concentrates - taste great! |
| KIRK |
Lieutenant Uhura, would you mind explaining to me why you're dressed
in that outfit and being worshipped by a bunch of little people? Not that
I mind the outfit, you understand... |
| UHURA |
What you should be asking is why I'm not being worshipped by
all of you. And by the way, it's not Lieutenant. It's Goodly Goddess,
Great of Favor, Queen of a Thousand Nations, at the sight of whom one is
delighted, at the sound of whose voice the Galaxy rejoices, Holy Lady,
Queen of Queens, the Divine Uhura. |
| KIRK |
Really. I don't remember authorizing that promotion. |
| PICARD |
Uhura, it isn't appropriate for a Starfleet Officer to impersonate
a deity. |
| UHURA |
Impersonate? Captain, I'm surprised at you. |
| DEANNA |
Uhura... You're not yourself. Are you all right? |
| UHURA |
Never been better, sugar, and I think I'm feeling more like myself
than I ever have before. I'm a little hungry, though. And thirsty. I want
food, drink, and men. |
| KIRK |
Ahem. I can provide one of those... |
| UHURA |
Get serious, Admiral. |
| PICARD |
Dr. McCoy, see if your tricorder can pick up anything unusual about
the Lieutenant. |
| BONES |
This woman has been drugged! |
| KIRK |
I suspected as much. Come on, Uhura. Come back to the ship. That's
an order, Lieutenant. |
| UHURA |
Since when does a Goddess take orders from an Admiral? |
| KIRK |
Damn it, Uhura! We don't have time for this! The ship is being overrun
by damn bugs! |
| UHURA |
All the more reason not to go back. |
| KIRK |
Uhura! |
| UHURA |
Well... I'll tell you what. I'll consider it, if you'll do me a favor. |
| KIRK |
And just what kind of favor, exactly? |
| UHURA |
Just say, "Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One." |
| KIRK |
(INDIGNANT SPLUTTERING) |
| PICARD |
(IN A LOW VOICE) Why don't you just humor her, Admiral? |
| KIRK |
Fine! Hailing... frequencies... open! |
| UHURA |
Ahem... |
| KIRK |
(INCREASINGLY IRRITATED) Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One. |
| UHURA |
Hmmm. That was nice. Do it again, and then I'll think about going back. |
| KIRK |
Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One! Now, are you going to come
back or not? |
| UHURA |
Well, I've thought about it. |
| KIRK |
And? |
| UHURA |
And, no. I'm much happier down here. |
| KIRK |
(INDISTINCT CURSING) |
| DEANNA |
But, Uhura... |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Data, Geordi, Olestra, and Elizabeth
the Robot are putting the final touches on Olestra's time travel device,
in Engineering. |
| GEORDI |
There... I think that should do it. |
| OLESTRA |
Ah, delightful! Thank you, my friend. I should probably run a test
on it before I try going back, just to make sure it's really functioning
properly. |
| DATA |
It might be best to run several, since the machine's components have
been so radically altered. |
| OLESTRA |
Good idea... I believe I shall... |
| GEORDI |
-- tests? |
| WILL |
Golly... she sure did leave in a hurry. |
| ROBOT |
Perhaps she does not like infants. |
| DATA |
A reasonable suggestion. |
| NARRATOR |
Back on the planet Toho IV, we find the members of the away team continuing
to plead with the drugged Uhura... |
| PICARD |
Please, Uhura. You're an essential member of our crew! |
| UHURA |
Well, you'll just have to find someone else to be your communications
officer. I have a much more important job here. |
| DEANNA |
Uhura, won't you miss any of your friends on the Enterprise? |
| UHURA |
I can't say that I'll miss much of anyone, sugar. Except... |
| KIRK |
Except...? |
| UHURA |
Well, there's one person who might be able to convince me to come back. |
| PICARD |
Oh? Who's that? |
| UHURA |
Bring me Dr. Zachary Smith. Then I'll consider it. |
| KIRK |
Why can't you just talk to him over the communicator? |
| UHURA |
Really, Admiral! What fun would that be? I have to have him here, in
person. |
| KIRK |
Uhura, he's a married man! |
| UHURA |
I've never noticed that slowing you down. |
| KIRK |
Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't touch a married man. |
| PICARD |
Well, anything is worth a try. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Picard to Enterprise... |
| WORF |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, sir? |
| PICARD |
Get Dr. Zachary Smith to beam down to the surface of the planet at
our coordinates. |
| WORF |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Aye, sir. |
| PICARD |
Picard out. Well, Uhura, he's on his way. |
| NARRATOR |
A few minutes later... |
| PICARD |
Dr. Smith! We are in need of your assistance. Our communications officer--
Are you all right, Dr. Smith? |
| DR. SMITH |
I don't know, my dear sir... What a dreadful sensation! I don't believe
I shall ever get used to those frightful transporters. |
| BONES |
Well, it looks like there's at least one other sensible soul in this
damned Federation. |
| KIRK |
Dr. Smith, if you're sufficiently recovered from your trauma, let's
get down to business. |
| DR. SMITH |
And what "business" do you require of me, Admiral? |
| UHURA |
That business would be me. Now, if the rest of you would be so kind
as to leave us alone... |
| PICARD |
(QUIETLY) We had better do as she says, but let's not go too far. |
| NARRATOR |
The others disappear into the jungle. |
| DR. SMITH |
My dear madam, what is all of this about? |
| UHURA |
Well, sugar, I've received a small promotion. I'm a goddess now, and
I require a consort. I have selected you. |
| DR. SMITH |
Me??? But, madam, I am totally unsuitable! |
| UHURA |
I wouldn't say so. All the women on the Enterprise agree that you're
the sexiest man on the ship. |
| KIRK |
(OFF MIKE) What!?! |
| UHURA |
(CLAPPING HER HANDS) Servants! Remove those eavesdroppers to a greater
distance, and keep them there. |
| SHOBIJIN |
Yes, oh, great goddess. |
| DR. SMITH |
But, madam! I am a married man! I would never be untrue to Beverly. |
| UHURA |
Very admirable, Zachary. But I think I can get you to change your mind.
Are you thirsty? |
| DR. SMITH |
My wife is pregnant, madam! |
| UHURA |
Is that true? Hmmm. Well, it's good to know that you're fertile. Here.
Have a drink. |
| NARRATOR |
Uhura offers Dr. Smith a piece of intoxicating fruit. He takes it absent-mindedly. |
| PICARD |
(SHOUTING OFF MIKE) Don't drink it, Zachary! |
| DR. SMITH |
(SHRIEKS) Madam, were you trying to poison me??? Somebody, help!
Get me off this planet! Captain, if you want someone to help convince her
to go back to the Enterprise, I suggest you try young William Robinson.
He's very good at that sort of thing. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith runs off into the jungle. |
| UHURA |
Really, Captain. I had ordered you to stay away. I am most disappointed
in you. Fortunately for you, I'm a merciful goddess. I will only punish
you a little. Servants... |
| NARRATOR |
Picard disappears back into the jungle. Later, Will Robinson appears
before Uhura, accompanied by Picard, Kirk, Bones, and Deanna. |
| UHURA |
What, you're back again? I really must have a word with those little
women. Their obedience leaves a lot to be desired. |
| PICARD |
Talk to her, William. |
| WILL |
Yes, sir. But I don't really know what to say, sir. |
| UHURA |
You're just a child. I want a man, not a boy. |
| WILL |
Golly, ma'am. They told me to talk to you, convince you to come back
home with us. I know you don't really know me, and I don't really know
you, so I can't remind you of all the good times we've had together. You
know, all the times we went fishin', and lookin' for rocks, and playin'
chess, and explorin' strange planets 'n stuff... But if you did come back,
we could get to know each other and do all those things. I'd like to get
to know ya, ma'am. You look like a nice lady. |
| UHURA |
You're a sweet boy, but you're not my type. I want Zachary Smith! |
| PICARD |
Well, if we can't convince you to come back, then we'll just have to
leave you here. We will return to the Enterprise, and remain in orbit around
this planet for three days. If you haven't decided to return by then, you
will just have to stay here. |
| UHURA |
That's fine with me, sugar. |
| PICARD |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Five to beam up. |
| WILL |
But sir, where's Dr. Smith? |
| PICARD |
I don't know. He bolted into the woods. He has a communicator. He can
ask to be beamed up when he is through panicking. |
| DEANNA |
But, Captain... |
| PICARD |
I am tired of coddling fools, Counselor! Enterprise! That's five to
beam up. |
| ENSIGN |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith awakens to find himself face to face with a large, reptilian
creature. |
| DR. SMITH |
(AWAKENING) What... what is this... Aaaaiiegh!!!! Oh, help! Help! Captain...
Uhura... Admiral... anyone... get this creature away from me! |
| ANGUIRUS |
Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you; I like you. You look nice! What
are you? Are you a human? You look like a Shobijin, only a lot bigger.
I've heard humans look like Shobijin. I've also heard they're tasty. Are
you tasty? Will you let me just have a little taste? |
| DR. SMITH |
(TERRIFIED) No!! I taste absolutely dreadful! Please, sir, or madam,
whatever you are, go away... |
| ANGUIRUS |
Okay, I won't taste you if you don't want me to. I'm a male, by the
way. Are you? What's your name? Do you have one? My name's Anguirus. That's
my father's name, too. Hey, is that stuff on you part of your skin, or
is it clothes? Shobijin wear clothes. If that's what it is, can I see what
you look like without it? |
| DR. SMITH |
No! |
| ANGUIRUS |
Okay. Why, does it hold you together? |
| DR. SMITH |
Something like that... |
| ANGUIRUS |
Say, can I eat that zorak that's crawling on you? They're really tasty,
but they're also really poisonous. That one's looking for a place to sting
you right now, and if it stings you, you'll die. Can I eat it? |
| DR. SMITH |
Eat it by all means! Eat it! Eat it now! |
| ANGUIRUS |
(SLURPING AND CRUNCHING) Gee, thanks! That tastes good. Those things
are hard to get, you know. They usually don't come out of their nests,
and you have to dig for them. But I think you're sitting on a nest, and
that's why there are so many of them all over you. Can I eat all of them,
or would that be greedy? |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Smith leaps to his feet. |
| DR. SMITH |
(YELPING WITH FEAR) No! No! It wouldn't be at all greedy! Eat them!
Oh, please, eat them all! |
| ANGUIRUS |
Don't you want to eat any of them? I mean, they're on you, so they're
really yours. |
| DR. SMITH |
I'm not hungry! Just eat them, by all means! |
| ANGUIRUS |
That sure is nice of you. I should tell all the other monsters about
this. |
| DR. SMITH |
No... no, that won't be necessary... now why don't you run along home
to your... to your mommy and daddy? |
| ANGUIRUS |
I don't have any parents. They died when my egg was born. That's the
way it is with all of us Anguiruses. But all the other monsters were friends
with my dad when he was alive. I've always wanted a dad -- maybe you could
be my dad. |
| DR. SMITH |
Absolutely not! |
| ANGUIRUS |
But... I saved your life. |
| DR. SMITH |
Yes, yes, you did indeed, and I am most thankful. But you see, my dear
boy, it's not up to me. |
| ANGUIRUS |
Really? |
| DR. SMITH |
Yes. You see, I couldn't possibly make a decision like this without
consulting my dear wife. I could never adopt you without her permission. |
| ANGUIRUS |
Ask her, ask her! I know she'd like me... I'm a really nice monster,
and I'd protect you and her, and if anyone tried to eat either one of you,
they'd have to come through me first! I may be just a baby, but I can lick
anyone! At least, if they're my size or smaller... |
| DR. SMITH |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) Come in, Beverly... this is Zachary. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR, DREAMILY) Yes, Zachary? |
| DR. SMITH |
Beverly, my dear, you wouldn't possibly be interested in adopting a
young reptilian monster the size of a truck, with lots of spikes all over
him and a lot of sharp teeth... would you? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(PUZZLED, AMUSED) That's an odd question, Zachary... why? |
| DR. SMITH |
Well, there is just such a creature here, and he is demanding adoption.
He claims to be an orphan -- |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(GLOWINGLY) Oh, Zachary! How sweet of you to offer to adopt that poor
little orphan monster! |
| DR. SMITH |
(AGHAST) Little?! But... but Beverly! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
You are one of the most kind-hearted, generous people I know. Oh Zachary...
I love you more than ever! |
| DR. SMITH |
But-- |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I'll be right down to look at him. Zachary, you're so sweet. |
| DR. SMITH |
Beverly-- |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Beverly out. |
| DR. SMITH |
(TO HIMSELF) Good heavens -- She's bereft of her senses! My poor wife
is besotted with maternal hormones! |
| NARRATOR |
A few minutes later... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Here I am... Oh, is that him? He's absolutely adorable! What's your
name, dear? |
| ANGUIRUS |
My name's Anguirus. You must be Beverly. You sure are nice. You will
adopt me, won't you? My parents died before I hatched. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh, sweetie, that's so sad. Of course Zachary and I will adopt you.
Zachary, we're going to have such a wonderful family... Wesley, Will, Anguirus,
and our new baby. |
| DR. SMITH |
But Beverly, we can't possibly adopt him... if he's this large as a
mere infant, imagine how huge he'll be when he reaches maturity! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
How long does it take your kind to reach maturity, Anguirus, dear? |
| ANGUIRUS |
I don't really know. I'm not sure we ever do. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(SIGHING HAPPILY) Of course not. That's the way it is with all men. |
| DR. SMITH |
Beverly! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Sorry, Zachary, but it's true. We'll worry about his size later. |
| DR. SMITH |
But surely you wouldn't want to take the risk of raising our own tender
babe in the presence of a carnivorous monster! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Don't be silly, Zachary. You wouldn't think of eating your little brother
or sister, would you, Anguirus? |
| ANGUIRUS |
Nope! In fact, I'd eat anyone who tried to! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
You're such a sweet little thing. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, three
to beam up. |
| DR. SMITH |
Oh, the pain... the pain... |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, the goddess Uhura is surprised when several of her Shobijin
attendants present her with an elaborate garment and begin setting out
arrangements of exotic flowers. |
| UHURA |
What's all this about? Is there some kind of special occasion coming
up? |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
Yes! You must prepare for your wedding. |
| UHURA |
Oh, really? What wedding is that, sugar? Did Dr. Smith change his mind? |
| SHOBIJIN 2 |
No. You will not be marrying a human. You will be marrying Godzilla. |
| UHURA |
Wait a minute. Isn't he one of those monsters you mentioned earlier? |
| SHOBIJIN 2 |
Yes. He is the greatest of all the Dai Kaiju. |
| UHURA |
Hmm! Well, as long as I'm not expected to mate with him. |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
That will not be necessary, O Great One. Instead of mating, you will
combine your cells with his to make a new entity which is even greater
than either one of you alone. |
| UHURA |
That would be mating, sugar. |
| SHOBIJIN 2 |
But you do not understand, Great Goddess. You and Godzilla will be
completely combined into a new creature, and each of you will cease to
exist as a separate being. |
| UHURA |
I'm not sure I like the sound of that. Is it really necessary? |
| SHOBIJIN 1 |
Oh, yes. That is what all of the ancient legends tell us. Human and
monster will combine to make a perfect being. You will enter a higher plane
of existence. |
| UHURA |
Thanks, but I think my plane is high enough. |
