Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration

Episode 16: The Divine Uhura

By Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Dr. Crusher's family increases in size and Lieutenant Uhura receives a promotion.
Drawing of Dr. Smith's encounter with Anguirus.

Dr. Smith makes a new friend on Toho IV. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC BREAKOUT
 
PICARD Uhura, you've never said the introduction. Why don't you give it a try?
UHURA Why, Captain. I'm just a humble communications officer.
PICARD I'm sure you'll do fine. Here's your script.
UHURA Space: the final frontier, where they make a person stay a communications officer for all eternity.
PICARD Ahem! Lieutenant, if you have a problem with your job, now is not the time to bring it up.
UHURA Why not? It's never helped to bring it up at any other time. Now... These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its mission: to make Uhura say "hailing frequencies open" at least twenty times an hour.
PICARD Oh, never mind!
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's log: We have been exiled from Federation Space until we can deal with a group of small insectoid people, the Unthings, that have taken up residence in our ship. Although I in no way condone Mr. Worf's actions, he has been released from his quarters since he is a necessary member of our personnel at this time. At the soonest opportunity, I will meet with my senior crew members to discuss a possible course of action.
NARRATOR Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Lt. Commander Data, Lt. Commander Worf, Dr. Crusher, Counselor Troi, Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge, and Ensigns Sock and Soredick meet in the conference room.
PICARD "Deal with them as diplomatically as possible." That's all they could tell me.
SOCK It is not logical to allow enemies to invade the ship.
PICARD Well, they aren't technically enemies, Ensign. We're not in a state of war with them.
WORF Like Commander Olestra keeps saying, just declare a war.
PICARD We don't have the authority to declare a war, Mr. Worf. Besides, the Unthings are just annoying. They haven't done any significant damage to the ship's systems.
DR. CRUSHER It's strange. I wonder what it is about those little things that causes one to hate them on sight.
DATA I believe you are not hating them on sight, but on smell. They release a pheromone that triggers irritability in most organic beings.
RIKER You know, Captain, I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm sorry you did bring this up with the Federation. We could have just quietly infused the ship's ventilation system with insecticide.
PICARD But that would be committing genocide!
WORF Situations like this sometimes call for desperate measures, Captain. I say we do it, whether the Federation knows about them or not. We can just say they got sick.
PICARD I don't think so. It would be easy enough to run autopsies on them and find traces of the poison. Besides, it wouldn't be right.
RIKER Actually, I'm not sure the Federation would even investigate.
PICARD No, but the Unthings would.
WORF (ANGRILY) Then let's evacuate the ship and set it to self destruct!
PICARD (ALSO ANGRY) No! Absolutely not! We won't sacrifice the Enterprise over a bunch of damn bugs!
DEANNA Captain! Worf! I think we're all getting a little too carried away here. Please try to calm down and be rational. You two aren't dialoguing.
GEORDI If we did destroy the ship, where would we go? Besides, the Unthings would probably press charges.
UNTHING That's right! You have no idea how much trouble you'd be in if you even tried it!
DEANNA You know, I had a feeling this meeting was bugged.
UNTHING You got that right, sister. We're everywhere. You can't have secret meetings. We're going to be watching your every move, and if you even try anything, we'll have our best lawyers on you. So you people had better learn to just accept us. We're gonna coexist from now on, whether you like it or not. We filled up the Andromeda Galaxy, and we're gonna fill you guys up, too!
NARRATOR Later, Elizabeth the Robot approaches Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher and Wesley Crusher in Dr. Smith and Dr. Crusher's shared quarters.
ROBOT Dr. Smith, I heard that you are adopting Will Robinson.
DR. SMITH Yes, it seemed a shame for a boy like Will to be deprived of a family at his tender age.
ROBOT If you are adopting Will, you must adopt me, too.
WESLEY Like, no freaking way, man! I am, like, no way gonna have a stupid robot for a brother. It's bad enough they're adopting that dorky Will Robinson.
DR. SMITH Although I hardly approve of your words about Will, young man, I must say that I agree with you completely about the Robot. Absolutely not, you mechanical ninny. It's almost as preposterous as your earlier suggestion that I marry you.
ROBOT My computers are very hurt. I have been rejected again. I deserve a family.
DR. CRUSHER I don't understand. Why would you even want to be adopted? It just doesn't make sense.
ROBOT I want someone to tuck me in at night, and read me stories, and bring me oil and cookies, and kiss me goodnight, and wipe my nose for me when I am sick, and tell me to brush my teeth, and...
DR. SMITH You don't have any teeth, you ninny! Kiss you goodnight indeed. I think I'd almost rather kiss the Major.
ROBOT You have insulted me! Fine, then. I do not want to be adopted by you. I do not even know you. You and I are strangers from now on.
DR. SMITH If only that were true, you bellicose bumpkin.
DR. CRUSHER Why don't you get Data to adopt you? I'm sure he'd be willing.
DR. SMITH Even better, talk to that beastly Puffie about it.
ROBOT No. He has already threatened to redecorate me. If you do not want me, I will go. Good-bye.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: ROLLING SOUNDS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
NARRATOR Elizabeth leaves.
DR. CRUSHER I do feel sort of sorry for him.
DR. SMITH I say good riddance. Now, what were you about to tell us, my dear? Something about those miserable insects?
DR. CRUSHER Yes. Um, I'm not sure quite how to tell you this, Zachary, but... well, we're not allowed to return to Federation Space until we deal with the Unthings.
WESLEY Bummer. I guess that means it's going to be even more boring around here than usual. I'm going to my room.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
NARRATOR Wesley leaves.
DR. SMITH (SLOWLY) Am I to understand that this means we are not visiting Earth as planned?
DR. CRUSHER That's right. I'm sorry. Remember, it's only until we figure out a way to deal with them.
DR. SMITH (PANIC STRICKEN) What?! What?! No... It can't be true! I must be cursed! Doomed never to set foot on Earth again! Oh... Oh, the pain of it all... Beverly, I must go back! Why did I ever get involved with that Jupiter 2 mission...
DR. CRUSHER I know this is hard for you Zachary, but we have to follow our orders from the Federation. We don't have a choice.
DR. SMITH (DESOLATE) Hard? My dear Beverly! It is intolerable! To be condemned to remain a galactic castaway forever...
DR. CRUSHER (IRRITATED) Well, what do you expect me to do about it, Zachary?! Do you think I like this? I don't, not any more than you do. You're just going to have to put up with it like all the rest of us! (SIGHS) I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I've just been so edgy lately. Everyone has been since those bugs got on board.
DR. SMITH Well, my dear, spending an eternity in space won't be so bad if I can spend it with you.
DR. CRUSHER Zachary... I hope you can keep that it mind, because I have something else to tell you...
DR. SMITH Not more bad news!
DR. CRUSHER Well, I hope not! Zachary... I'm pregnant!
DR. SMITH Good heavens! I never expected to become a father at my age!
DR. CRUSHER I'm not sure how it happened. I have an Ovulock. But it must have been dislodged by the Zachary Maneuver.
DR. SMITH Or the Beverly Maneuver.
DR. CRUSHER Either way, I didn't think it was possible to dislodge an Ovulock. But I can't say I'm sorry. In fact, I'm very excited about it. Are you, Zachary?
DR. SMITH My dear Beverly, you can't begin to imagine how excited I am.
DR. CRUSHER Well, now that I've told you, I'll have to tell Wesley and Will. Won't they be surprised!
SFX: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR We will return to Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration after a word from our sponsor.
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DATA (OFF MIKE) What do you mean, sir?
RIKER (OFF MIKE) Your skin looks rough and pitted, like metal that's been sitting in acid.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. We find the Robot spending some time alone in the cargo bay.
ROBOT I am not jealous. It is a human emotion. I am not jealous. It is a human emotion. I am not jealous. It is a human emotion!
UNTHING 1 Hey, a little repetitive, aren't you, Bub?
ROBOT Eh?!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Wesley is in his quarters, by himself...
WESLEY Ahh... Ohh... Uh... Mmmm...
UNTHING 2 Hey, kid, dontcha know that'll make you go blind?
WESLEY (ALARMED) Huh?!
NARRATOR And, in Riker's quarters...
RIKER (MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) I love this bra... so silky.. so soft... ooh, that lace...
UNTHING 3 Hubba, hubba! Nice threads, pal!
RIKER Wha-- augh!
NARRATOR And, in Dr. Crusher's quarters...
SFX: SOUND OF WATER RUNNING, DR. CRUSHER HUMMING
 
UNTHING 4 Hey, sister, it's a little warm for me. Wouldja mind turning the hot water down a bit?
DR. CRUSHER Aieegh!
NARRATOR In the bathroom in Dr. McCoy's quarters...
SFX: BATHROOM NOISES, BONES GRUNTING AND MUTTERING TO HIMSELF
 
UNTHING 5 Phew! What have you been eating, buddy?
BONES Hey!
NARRATOR And in Kirk's quarters...
KIRK Hey! All my toupées! That does it! I have had... enough... of those god damned Unthings!
SFX: COMMUNICATOR
 
KIRK Kirk to Captain Picard...
PICARD Picard here.
KIRK First planet we come to, we're going down there to discuss this situation... without any Unthings around.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be right back after this message.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Captain Picard, Admiral Kirk, Dr. McCoy, and Counselor Troi prepare to beam down to the uncharted planet Toho IV. Lt. Uhura accompanies them for the purposes of studying the plant life for possible medicinal qualities.
KIRK We're going to have to strip down, put our clothes through an autoclave, and beam down separately from them.
PICARD Whatever it takes.
NARRATOR After the team has beamed down and gotten dressed in the decontaminated clothing...
SFX: PLANET SOUNDS/ BACKGROUND
 
KIRK Now, remember, this planet has pre-spacefaring humanoid habitation, so let's be careful.
PICARD Of course, Admiral.
UHURA Well, unless I'm needed for anything, I'm going to go scout around.
KIRK Don't get lost.
UHURA Come on, give me some credit for intelligence, Admiral. See you later.
NARRATOR While the group begins discussing plans for dealing with the Unthings, Uhura looks at the plants in the nearby jungle. Suddenly...
SFX: RUSTLING
 
UHURA Hello? Who's there?
SHOBIJIN 1 We are Shobijin.
NARRATOR Two women, about a foot tall, step out of the foliage.
UHURA You're what? Oh! Why... you're... you're tiny!
SHOBIJIN 2 You must be the great Earth goddess from the ancient legends!
UHURA My! Last time I checked, I was just a lieutenant. No, you've got the wrong lady, sugar. I'm Uhura, not a goddess.
SHOBIJIN (TOGETHER) We know you are the goddess! The legends tell of a beautiful goddess from Earth, who would come to us dressed all in red...
UHURA How would you even know about Earth?
SHOBIJIN (TOGETHER) Our people used to live there, on Infant Island, along with the Dai Kaiju, but we were persecuted so terribly that we fled into space and settled here, along with the Dai Kaiju.
UHURA But... what are Dai Kaiju?
SHOBIJIN 1 You must know what they are!
SHOBIJIN 2 They are the great monsters. Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan...
SHOBIJIN 1 ...Baragon, Anguirus, and all the others.
SHOBIJIN (TOGETHER) But before we tell you more, you must drink the sacred nectar. Take one of those orange fruits and open it.
NARRATOR Uhura picks one of the pieces of fruit and takes off part of the peel. She drinks the juice inside.
UHURA Hmm... a little peculiar, but not bad. What... is... it...
SFX: SOUND OF A PERSON FALLING INTO THE UNDERBRUSH
 
NARRATOR Uhura falls, unconscious, to the jungle floor. Meanwhile, the rest of the group confers...
KIRK I say Prime Directive be damned. Let's just kill 'em.
BONES Here, here.
PICARD Er, well, Admiral, although I'm sure many of us agree with you, I really don't think it would be an appropriate course of action.
DEANNA Why don't you try negotiating with them?
PICARD That is a good point. Maybe they would respond better if we took a friendly approach.
KIRK Captain, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to negotiate with a bunch of damned bugs.
PICARD I don't see that we have much choice in this matter, sir. We can hardly disregard the Prime Directive, especially when dealing with a race of lawyers.
DEANNA I think the Captain is right, sir. We have to handle this in as mature and responsible a way as possible.
KIRK Well... all right. But if they get out of line, I'm getting out the bug spray. Let's call Uhura, and then we'll get back to the ship.
SFX: COMMUNICATOR
 
PICARD Picard to Uhura. (SILENCE) Picard to Uhura. (SILENCE) She's not responding. Something must have happened!
KIRK Well then... I guess we'll have to go look for her.
NARRATOR The team sets out in search of Uhura.
BONES Hey, do you hear something?
DEANNA Yes... I hear singing.
PICARD It must be the natives of this planet. We'd better steer clear of them...
KIRK No, Uhura might be with them. Come on.
NARRATOR The team cautiously approaches the source of the music. They soon come to a clearing.
KIRK What the...
PICARD How did..
BONES My God!
UHURA That's 'my Goddess,' to you.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. The other members of the away team on the surface of Toho IV speak to Uhura...
SFX: MANY SHOBIJIN SINGING AND PRAYING IN THE BACKGROUND
SFX: TROPICAL GODDESS MUSIC
 
KIRK Lieutenant Uhura, would you mind explaining to me why you're dressed in that outfit and being worshipped by a bunch of little people? Not that I mind the outfit, you understand...
UHURA What you should be asking is why I'm not being worshipped by all of you. And by the way, it's not Lieutenant. It's Goodly Goddess, Great of Favor, Queen of a Thousand Nations, at the sight of whom one is delighted, at the sound of whose voice the Galaxy rejoices, Holy Lady, Queen of Queens, the Divine Uhura.
KIRK Really. I don't remember authorizing that promotion.
PICARD Uhura, it isn't appropriate for a Starfleet Officer to impersonate a deity.
UHURA Impersonate? Captain, I'm surprised at you.
DEANNA Uhura... You're not yourself. Are you all right?
UHURA Never been better, sugar, and I think I'm feeling more like myself than I ever have before. I'm a little hungry, though. And thirsty. I want food, drink, and men.
KIRK Ahem. I can provide one of those...
UHURA Get serious, Admiral.
PICARD Dr. McCoy, see if your tricorder can pick up anything unusual about the Lieutenant.
SFX: MEDICAL TRICORDER
 
BONES This woman has been drugged!
KIRK I suspected as much. Come on, Uhura. Come back to the ship. That's an order, Lieutenant.
UHURA Since when does a Goddess take orders from an Admiral?
KIRK Damn it, Uhura! We don't have time for this! The ship is being overrun by damn bugs!
UHURA All the more reason not to go back.
KIRK Uhura!
UHURA Well... I'll tell you what. I'll consider it, if you'll do me a favor.
KIRK And just what kind of favor, exactly?
UHURA Just say, "Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One."
KIRK (INDIGNANT SPLUTTERING)
PICARD (IN A LOW VOICE) Why don't you just humor her, Admiral?
KIRK Fine! Hailing... frequencies... open!
UHURA Ahem...
KIRK (INCREASINGLY IRRITATED) Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One.
UHURA Hmmm. That was nice. Do it again, and then I'll think about going back.
KIRK Hailing frequencies open, O Divine One! Now, are you going to come back or not?
UHURA Well, I've thought about it.
KIRK And?
UHURA And, no. I'm much happier down here.
KIRK (INDISTINCT CURSING)
DEANNA But, Uhura...
NARRATOR Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Data, Geordi, Olestra, and Elizabeth the Robot are putting the final touches on Olestra's time travel device, in Engineering.
GEORDI There... I think that should do it.
OLESTRA Ah, delightful! Thank you, my friend. I should probably run a test on it before I try going back, just to make sure it's really functioning properly.
DATA It might be best to run several, since the machine's components have been so radically altered.
OLESTRA Good idea... I believe I shall...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WILL (EXCITED) Hey! Guess what!
GEORDI What is it, Will?
WILL Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith ... I mean Mom 'n Dad... are having a baby!
GEORDI Well, that's great! Tell them congratulations for me.
ROBOT (DOLEFULLY) I wish I could say that I would be a big brother to it, but they have rejected me as an adopted son.
OLESTRA Did you say having a baby?
WILL Yeah!
OLESTRA (NERVOUS) Ah... well... how interesting. I think this contraption should work now... Farewell. It was wonderful meeting all of you.
GEORDI But Olestra... what about the --
SFX: DISTORTED TRANSPORTER SOUND
 
GEORDI -- tests?
WILL Golly... she sure did leave in a hurry.
ROBOT Perhaps she does not like infants.
DATA A reasonable suggestion.
NARRATOR Back on the planet Toho IV, we find the members of the away team continuing to plead with the drugged Uhura...
PICARD Please, Uhura. You're an essential member of our crew!
UHURA Well, you'll just have to find someone else to be your communications officer. I have a much more important job here.
DEANNA Uhura, won't you miss any of your friends on the Enterprise?
UHURA I can't say that I'll miss much of anyone, sugar. Except...
KIRK Except...?
UHURA Well, there's one person who might be able to convince me to come back.
PICARD Oh? Who's that?
UHURA Bring me Dr. Zachary Smith. Then I'll consider it.
KIRK Why can't you just talk to him over the communicator?
UHURA Really, Admiral! What fun would that be? I have to have him here, in person.
KIRK Uhura, he's a married man!
UHURA I've never noticed that slowing you down.
KIRK Don't be ridiculous. I wouldn't touch a married man.
PICARD Well, anything is worth a try. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Picard to Enterprise...
WORF (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, sir?
PICARD Get Dr. Zachary Smith to beam down to the surface of the planet at our coordinates.
WORF (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Aye, sir.
PICARD Picard out. Well, Uhura, he's on his way.
NARRATOR A few minutes later...
SFX: TRANSPORTER SOUNDS
 
PICARD Dr. Smith! We are in need of your assistance. Our communications officer-- Are you all right, Dr. Smith?
DR. SMITH I don't know, my dear sir... What a dreadful sensation! I don't believe I shall ever get used to those frightful transporters.
BONES Well, it looks like there's at least one other sensible soul in this damned Federation.
KIRK Dr. Smith, if you're sufficiently recovered from your trauma, let's get down to business.
DR. SMITH And what "business" do you require of me, Admiral?
UHURA That business would be me. Now, if the rest of you would be so kind as to leave us alone...
PICARD (QUIETLY) We had better do as she says, but let's not go too far.
NARRATOR The others disappear into the jungle.
DR. SMITH My dear madam, what is all of this about?
UHURA Well, sugar, I've received a small promotion. I'm a goddess now, and I require a consort. I have selected you.
DR. SMITH Me??? But, madam, I am totally unsuitable!
UHURA I wouldn't say so. All the women on the Enterprise agree that you're the sexiest man on the ship.
KIRK (OFF MIKE) What!?!
UHURA (CLAPPING HER HANDS) Servants! Remove those eavesdroppers to a greater distance, and keep them there.
SHOBIJIN Yes, oh, great goddess.
DR. SMITH But, madam! I am a married man! I would never be untrue to Beverly.
UHURA Very admirable, Zachary. But I think I can get you to change your mind. Are you thirsty?
DR. SMITH My wife is pregnant, madam!
UHURA Is that true? Hmmm. Well, it's good to know that you're fertile. Here. Have a drink.
NARRATOR Uhura offers Dr. Smith a piece of intoxicating fruit. He takes it absent-mindedly.
PICARD (SHOUTING OFF MIKE) Don't drink it, Zachary!
DR. SMITH (SHRIEKS) Madam, were you trying to poison me??? Somebody, help!  Get me off this planet! Captain, if you want someone to help convince her to go back to the Enterprise, I suggest you try young William Robinson. He's very good at that sort of thing.
NARRATOR Dr. Smith runs off into the jungle.
UHURA Really, Captain. I had ordered you to stay away. I am most disappointed in you. Fortunately for you, I'm a merciful goddess. I will only punish you a little. Servants...
NARRATOR Picard disappears back into the jungle. Later, Will Robinson appears before Uhura, accompanied by Picard, Kirk, Bones, and Deanna.
UHURA What, you're back again? I really must have a word with those little women. Their obedience leaves a lot to be desired.
PICARD Talk to her, William.
WILL Yes, sir. But I don't really know what to say, sir.
UHURA You're just a child. I want a man, not a boy.
WILL Golly, ma'am. They told me to talk to you, convince you to come back home with us. I know you don't really know me, and I don't really know you, so I can't remind you of all the good times we've had together. You know, all the times we went fishin', and lookin' for rocks, and playin' chess, and explorin' strange planets 'n stuff... But if you did come back, we could get to know each other and do all those things. I'd like to get to know ya, ma'am. You look like a nice lady.
UHURA You're a sweet boy, but you're not my type. I want Zachary Smith!
PICARD Well, if we can't convince you to come back, then we'll just have to leave you here. We will return to the Enterprise, and remain in orbit around this planet for three days. If you haven't decided to return by then, you will just have to stay here.
UHURA That's fine with me, sugar.
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Five to beam up.
WILL But sir, where's Dr. Smith?
PICARD I don't know. He bolted into the woods. He has a communicator. He can ask to be beamed up when he is through panicking.
DEANNA But, Captain...
PICARD I am tired of coddling fools, Counselor! Enterprise! That's five to beam up.
ENSIGN (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, sir.
SFX: TRANSPORTER
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked will be back after this message.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. We join Dr. Smith on the planet Toho IV.
SFX: BACKGROUND JUNGLE SOUNDS
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON A JUNGLE FLOOR/SLOW DOWN TO A TROT
 
DR. SMITH (OUT OF BREATH) Captain, I don't believe I can go on any further. I must stop for a moment... Captain... Captain? (FRIGHTENED) Captain, where are you?! Oh dear... I thought he was right behind me! I wonder if I can find my way back. I believe I am completely lost! But I must rest. Oh, my poor back, my poor heart... my condition is far too delicate for this kind of exertion. This tree looks like a kind and welcoming sort. I believe I shall rest my weary bones beneath its branches for a moment...
NARRATOR Dr. Smith sits down beneath the tree.
SFX: DR. SMITH BEGINS TO SNORE
SFX: FOLIAGE RUSTLING
SFX: SNIFFING SOUNDS
SFX: SNORING STOPS ABRUPTLY
 
NARRATOR Dr. Smith awakens to find himself face to face with a large, reptilian creature.
DR. SMITH (AWAKENING) What... what is this... Aaaaiiegh!!!! Oh, help! Help! Captain... Uhura... Admiral... anyone... get this creature away from me!
ANGUIRUS Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you; I like you. You look nice! What are you? Are you a human? You look like a Shobijin, only a lot bigger. I've heard humans look like Shobijin. I've also heard they're tasty. Are you tasty? Will you let me just have a little taste?
DR. SMITH (TERRIFIED) No!! I taste absolutely dreadful! Please, sir, or madam, whatever you are, go away...
ANGUIRUS Okay, I won't taste you if you don't want me to. I'm a male, by the way. Are you? What's your name? Do you have one? My name's Anguirus. That's my father's name, too. Hey, is that stuff on you part of your skin, or is it clothes? Shobijin wear clothes. If that's what it is, can I see what you look like without it?
DR. SMITH No!
ANGUIRUS Okay. Why, does it hold you together?
DR. SMITH Something like that...
ANGUIRUS Say, can I eat that zorak that's crawling on you? They're really tasty, but they're also really poisonous. That one's looking for a place to sting you right now, and if it stings you, you'll die. Can I eat it?
DR. SMITH Eat it by all means! Eat it! Eat it now!
ANGUIRUS (SLURPING AND CRUNCHING) Gee, thanks! That tastes good. Those things are hard to get, you know. They usually don't come out of their nests, and you have to dig for them. But I think you're sitting on a nest, and that's why there are so many of them all over you. Can I eat all of them, or would that be greedy?
NARRATOR Dr. Smith leaps to his feet.
DR. SMITH (YELPING WITH FEAR) No! No! It wouldn't be at all greedy! Eat them! Oh, please, eat them all!
ANGUIRUS Don't you want to eat any of them? I mean, they're on you, so they're really yours.
DR. SMITH I'm not hungry! Just eat them, by all means!
SFX: CRUNCHING AND SLURPING
 
ANGUIRUS That sure is nice of you. I should tell all the other monsters about this.
DR. SMITH No... no, that won't be necessary... now why don't you run along home to your... to your mommy and daddy?
ANGUIRUS I don't have any parents. They died when my egg was born. That's the way it is with all of us Anguiruses. But all the other monsters were friends with my dad when he was alive. I've always wanted a dad -- maybe you could be my dad.
DR. SMITH Absolutely not!
ANGUIRUS But... I saved your life.
DR. SMITH Yes, yes, you did indeed, and I am most thankful. But you see, my dear boy, it's not up to me.
ANGUIRUS Really?
DR. SMITH Yes. You see, I couldn't possibly make a decision like this without consulting my dear wife. I could never adopt you without her permission.
ANGUIRUS Ask her, ask her! I know she'd like me... I'm a really nice monster, and I'd protect you and her, and if anyone tried to eat either one of you, they'd have to come through me first! I may be just a baby, but I can lick anyone! At least, if they're my size or smaller...
DR. SMITH (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Come in, Beverly... this is Zachary.
DR. CRUSHER (OVER COMMUNICATOR, DREAMILY) Yes, Zachary?
DR. SMITH Beverly, my dear, you wouldn't possibly be interested in adopting a young reptilian monster the size of a truck, with lots of spikes all over him and a lot of sharp teeth... would you?
DR. CRUSHER (PUZZLED, AMUSED) That's an odd question, Zachary... why?
DR. SMITH Well, there is just such a creature here, and he is demanding adoption. He claims to be an orphan --
DR. CRUSHER (GLOWINGLY) Oh, Zachary! How sweet of you to offer to adopt that poor little orphan monster!
DR. SMITH (AGHAST) Little?! But... but Beverly!
DR. CRUSHER You are one of the most kind-hearted, generous people I know. Oh Zachary... I love you more than ever!
DR. SMITH But--
DR. CRUSHER I'll be right down to look at him. Zachary, you're so sweet.
DR. SMITH Beverly--
DR. CRUSHER Beverly out.
DR. SMITH (TO HIMSELF) Good heavens -- She's bereft of her senses! My poor wife is besotted with maternal hormones!
NARRATOR A few minutes later...
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
DR. CRUSHER Here I am... Oh, is that him? He's absolutely adorable! What's your name, dear?
ANGUIRUS My name's Anguirus. You must be Beverly. You sure are nice. You will adopt me, won't you? My parents died before I hatched.
DR. CRUSHER Oh, sweetie, that's so sad. Of course Zachary and I will adopt you. Zachary, we're going to have such a wonderful family... Wesley, Will, Anguirus, and our new baby.
DR. SMITH But Beverly, we can't possibly adopt him... if he's this large as a mere infant, imagine how huge he'll be when he reaches maturity!
DR. CRUSHER How long does it take your kind to reach maturity, Anguirus, dear?
ANGUIRUS I don't really know. I'm not sure we ever do.
DR. CRUSHER (SIGHING HAPPILY) Of course not. That's the way it is with all men.
DR. SMITH Beverly!
DR. CRUSHER Sorry, Zachary, but it's true. We'll worry about his size later.
DR. SMITH But surely you wouldn't want to take the risk of raising our own tender babe in the presence of a carnivorous monster!
DR. CRUSHER Don't be silly, Zachary. You wouldn't think of eating your little brother or sister, would you, Anguirus?
ANGUIRUS Nope! In fact, I'd eat anyone who tried to!
DR. CRUSHER You're such a sweet little thing. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, three to beam up.
DR. SMITH Oh, the pain... the pain...
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, the goddess Uhura is surprised when several of her Shobijin attendants present her with an elaborate garment and begin setting out arrangements of exotic flowers.
UHURA What's all this about? Is there some kind of special occasion coming up?
SHOBIJIN 1 Yes! You must prepare for your wedding.
UHURA Oh, really? What wedding is that, sugar? Did Dr. Smith change his mind?
SHOBIJIN 2 No. You will not be marrying a human. You will be marrying Godzilla.
UHURA Wait a minute. Isn't he one of those monsters you mentioned earlier?
SHOBIJIN 2 Yes. He is the greatest of all the Dai Kaiju.
UHURA Hmm! Well, as long as I'm not expected to mate with him.
SHOBIJIN 1 That will not be necessary, O Great One. Instead of mating, you will combine your cells with his to make a new entity which is even greater than either one of you alone.
UHURA That would be mating, sugar.
SHOBIJIN 2 But you do not understand, Great Goddess. You and Godzilla will be completely combined into a new creature, and each of you will cease to exist as a separate being.
UHURA I'm not sure I like the sound of that. Is it really necessary?
SHOBIJIN 1 Oh, yes. That is what all of the ancient legends tell us. Human and monster will combine to make a perfect being. You will enter a higher plane of existence.
UHURA Thanks, but I think my plane is high enough.
SFX: RUMBLING SOUNDS, DISTANT ROARING
 
UHURA What's that?
SHOBIJIN 2 Godzilla approaches! Prepare to become a greater being.
UHURA Hmmm. I'm not sure I like the way this is heading. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise...
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Uhura, is that you?
UHURA Yes, Captain. It looks like there's more to this goddess business than I thought... beam me up, would you?
SHOBIJIN 1 But you must fulfill your destiny!
UHURA Sorry, sugar. You'll have to get some other goddess. Being assimilated by a monster wasn't in my contract.
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
NARRATOR Later, we find Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher, Dr. McCoy, and Lal in sickbay.
SFX: MEDICAL TRICORDER
 
BONES Congratulations, Doctors. According to this scan, it's a girl, and she seems to be coming along nicely.
DR. CRUSHER Oh, that's wonderful! I've always wanted a girl. Aren't you happy, Zachary?
DR. SMITH Let me assure you, my dear, I am delighted!
DR. CRUSHER Lal, would you please enter the readings on the baby into the computer?
LAL Yes, doctor.
SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS
 
LAL This is very strange!
DR. CRUSHER What is it, Lal?
LAL According to the computer, the fetus's genetic makeup matches exactly that of someone who is already in the database.
DR. CRUSHER That's impossible, Lal!
LAL Nevertheless, your child's genetic code appears to be a perfect duplicate of someone else's.
DR. CRUSHER Well, whose is that?
LAL The child's DNA exactly matches that of Lt. Commander Olestra Smith.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

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Published 12/27/99.
 
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