STAR TRICKED: THE NEXT PERPETRATION

Episode 17: An Appetite for Yttrium

By Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Anguirus makes himself at home on the Enterprise and Picard tries to make a deal with the Unthings.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/BREAKOUT

PICARD	Well, Robot--
ROBOT	Elizabeth!
PICARD	Um... yes. As I was saying, Elizabeth, I have a little job for you. Would you like to say the introduction this time?
ROBOT	Affirmative!
PICARD	Good, let's hear it.
ROBOT	Last week, as you recall, the intrepid crew of the USS Enterprise--
PICARD	No, no, the recapitulation is my job! That's what the Captain's Log is for. You're just supposed to say what show this is.
ROBOT	This is Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration.
PICARD	But you're supposed to explain our mission! Here, read the script.
ROBOT	This document is fraught with logical errors.
PICARD	Argh! I should have known better than to give this job to another damned machine.
ROBOT	f you are going to resort to insults, I will not do your introduction for you. Good-bye!
PICARD	(INDISTINCT CURSING)
NARRATOR	Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR	We now return to our program.
PICARD	Captain's log: We have been banished from Federation space until we can deal with the Unthings, the race of insectoid people who are currently inhabiting our ship. We have decided to attempt to negotiate with them. I have let the Prince of Bigassia out of the brig for the time being, on the condition that he does not fraternize with Lt. Commander Worf. Meanwhile, I am somewhat concerned by the fact that Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith have decided to adopt a sentient, reptilian life-form from the non-Federation planet Toho IV...
NARRATOR	We find Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher, Wesley Crusher, Will Robinson, Elizabeth the Robot, and Anguirus, the young monster from Toho IV, in Dr. Smith and Dr. Crusher's quarters.
WILL	Golly! He's gonna be our brother?
DR. CRUSHER	Yes! Isn't he adorable?
WESLEY	I don't believe this!
ROBOT	You have adopted a monster after turning me down?!
DR. CRUSHER	Oh, don't be silly. I can't adopt you. You're several centuries older than I am. And besides, you aren't an orphan. Although you are sort of cute...
DR. SMITH	Ahem-- I'll talk to him, Beverly.
NARRATOR	Dr. Smith takes the Robot aside.
DR. SMITH	(IN A WHISPER) Now, listen, you booby--
ROBOT	I don't talk to hypocrites!
DR. SMITH	(IN A WHISPER) Quiet, you! This wasn't my idea. The poor woman's good judgment has been overpowered by hormones. Our only hope is that she'll see reason once the baby is born.
ROBOT	I do not like it!
DR. SMITH	(IN A WHISPER) Neither do I, not in the least! All we can do is hope that this situation is only temporary.

SFX: COMMUNICATOR

PICARD	(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Picard to Dr. Crusher. Report to the conference room.
DR. CRUSHER	I'm on my way, Captain. Crusher out. Well, I guess this is it.
DR. SMITH	Good luck with the negotiations, my dear.
DR. CRUSHER	Thanks, Zachary. Anguirus, Will, Wesley, you three boys get acquainted with each other, and behave while I'm gone!

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING

NARRATOR	Beverly leaves her quarters.
DR. SMITH	I am going to go continue my research in sickbay. I suggest that you three gentlemen relocate yourselves to Wesley's and Will's room.
WILL	How far along are you in your research, Dr. Smith?
DR. SMITH	I have a long way to go, William. Four centuries worth of accumulated medical knowledge is a lot to catch up with.
WILL	I'll say. It's gonna take me forever just to get enough of the basic stuff in engineering so that I can apply for Starfleet Academy. Well, see ya later, sir.
NARRATOR	Will, Wesley and Anguirus head to Will and Wesley's shared quarters.

SFX: HUMAN AND MONSTER FOOTSTEPS

ANGUIRUS	've never been on a ship before. This place is really nice, but the food doesn't taste very good, and there aren't any plants.
WILL	Well, I guess there's not much we can do about the food, but there's a nice hydroponics deck with lots of plants, and then there's the holodeck. That's really neat. Hey, why are you stopping?
WESLEY	What are you doing?!
ANGUIRUS	Just marking my territory.
WESLEY	You can't just pee on the wall! Oh, man, the Captain's gonna be majorly pissed. Where does Mom find all these weird people?!
WILL	Golly! I hope he's not gonna do that in our room.
WESLEY	He'd better not!
ANGUIRUS	But I'll have to! That's the only way anyone will know it's our territory.
WESLEY	No way I am going to share my room with you. It's bad enough to have to share it with dorky pants boy here...
WILL	Hey!
NARRATOR	The two boys and the monster arrive at Will and Wesley's quarters.
WESLEY	Here we are. You can look around, but don't touch anything. And if you piss in here, you die.
NARRATOR	Meanwhile, we find Captain Picard, Lt. Commander Data, Lt. Commander Riker, Counselor Deanna Troi, Dr. Crusher, Lt. Commander Worf, Lt. Commander LaForge, and Admiral Kirk in the conference room.
PICARD	They said they were sending in a representative. What's taking them so long?

SFX: SKITTERING

PICARD	Ah, there you are.
UNTHING	I'm Hubert. I'm here to represent my people. I don't know what you think you're gonna accomplish. This is just a waste of my time. I could be eating right now, you know.
PICARD	Yes. Now Hubert, we have called you here to discuss a very important matter.
UNTHING	Yeah, I know. You wanna negotiate an agreement. You give us something, we leave.
PICARD	I suppose you could put it that way...
DEANNA	We're looking for a mutually beneficial solution to this problem.
UNTHING	We don't have a problem.
WORF	(UNDER HIS BREATH) The only mutually beneficial solution I can see is to put them out of our misery.
GEORDI	(IN A WHISPER) Worf, be quiet!
UNTHING	Well, it's all very proper and diplomatic, Captain, but I'm afraid you can't give us anything we can't get on our own here on the ship.
PICARD	Surely there's something you need that we could supply you.
UNTHING	Sorry, pal. There's nothing that we want that we can't just take right here where we are.
KIRK	Well, maybe we don't have anything you want, but I'm sure we can offer you something you don't want!
DEANNA	Admiral...
PICARD	Now, Counselor, the Admiral has a point. I can certainly think of something that they wouldn't want.
UNTHING	Oh, a threat, huh? Watch it, Bub. We can sue you for harassment.
PICARD	No, no threats. This would all be perfectly legal. All we have to do is send for Captain Chekov.

SFX: CREW MEMBERS GASP

GEORDI	Sir?!
DEANNA	Captain... really! Think of your crew!
KIRK	My god, man... are we really that desperate?!
PICARD	I don't know, Admiral. Are we? It's something we have to consider.
UNTHING	So, ah... what does this Chekov character do? I have to admit, you've aroused my curiosity.
KIRK	He doesn't do anything, to speak of. He just... exists. That's all he has to do.
DEANNA	Even if we don't like Chekov, sir, what assurance do we have that the Unthings won't?
PICARD	It's an inherent characteristic of his genetic make-up.
UNTHING	While we're on the subject of threats, Captain, there's something else of importance we need to talk about. We have reason to believe there's some foul play going on.
PICARD	What do you mean?
UNTHING	Let's see... ah, here we are.
NARRATOR	Hubert pulls a paper out of his briefcase.
UNTHING	This is the list of our people who are currently unaccounted for. We wanna know what you did with Alice, Walter, Oscar, Gladys, Chauncy, Madeline, Floyd, and Humphrey. They've all disappeared over the past week.
PICARD	I have no idea where they are. It's not my responsibility to keep track of your people! I have my own crew to worry about.
UNTHING	Captain, if there's any kind of hanky-panky going on, it would mean serious trouble for you. Our people didn't just disappear.
RIKER	This is ridiculous.
PICARD	We don't know where they are!
UNTHING	We'll take your word for it for now, but if we find out that anything screwy's happening, Captain, watch out. Your Federation would be facing serious lawsuits, buddy. Now, if we have nothing more to discuss, I'm hungry, so let's say this meeting is adjourned. And remember, we'll be investigating you.

SFX: SKITTERING

NARRATOR	Hubert runs off.
KIRK	All right, time for the Raid!
DEANNA	Admiral!
PICARD	Damn. That didn't get us anywhere at all!
NARRATOR	Meanwhile, Will, Wesley and Anguirus are still in Will's and Wesley's quarters.
WILL	I still can't believe that lady from the future is gonna be our sister.
WESLEY	All I can say is, I'm sure glad I'm older than her. Although I guess she's probably going to be a brat as a little kid. Hey guys, take a look at this magazine. I snitched it from Riker.
WILL	But Wes... it's just a bunch of pictures of girls. They don't even have any clothes on!
WESLEY	Well, duh! That's the point!
WILL	I don't understand. Why do you want to look at a bunch of dumb girls? Without any clothes on?
WESLEY	Oh, come on!
WILL	Maybe if you had some sisters you wouldn't think girls were so great.
WESLEY	I wish Mom had adopted your sisters instead of you.
ANGUIRUS	So that's what humans look like without clothes! Hey, what are those things for on their chests? Why don't you two have those?
WILL	That's 'cause we're boys. Only girls have those. At least, grown up ones do.
ANGUIRUS	What are they for? Is that where they store their eggs?
WILL	They're for feeding babies.
ANGUIRUS	You mean babies eat those? Are they tasty?
WILL	Babies just drink stuff that comes out of them.
WESLEY	And guys like to play with them.
ANGUIRUS	They do? Are they detachable?
WESLEY	No! You're just supposed to play with them while they're on the woman.
ANGUIRUS	Do you suppose Beverly will let me play with hers?
WESLEY	No way! Only Dr. Smith is allowed to play with Mom's.
WILL	(AWED) Golly... do you suppose he does?
WESLEY	I don't know... I don't even wanna think about it!
WILL	Hey... there's one of those bugs!
ANGUIRUS	(GROWLING AND SNORTING)

SFX: CRASHING, UNTHING SQUEALING, SLURPING AND CRUNCHING

WESLEY

Yeah! There's another one! Get 'im!

SFX: MORE CRASHING, SQUEALING AND GULPING

ANGUIRUS

Hmm... they don't taste so good, but they're better than what comes out of those synthesizers. Ooh, another one!

SFX: CRASHING, SQUEALING AND GULPING SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING

DR. CRUSHER	What is going on in here?!
WESLEY	Anguirus is eating those bugs, Mom!
DR. CRUSHER	Oh, no...
WILL	What's wrong, ma'am?
WESLEY	Yeah, Mom... what's the problem? We thought it was kind of a good idea.
DR. CRUSHER	So that's what's been happening to them. Listen... stop, okay?
ANGUIRUS	Why?
DR. CRUSHER	Well, they're... they're sentient.
ANGUIRUS	No they're not! They taste terrible!
DR. CRUSHER	I mean they're people. They're smart.
ANGUIRUS	They don't seem that smart. They're not nearly as fast as I am.
DR. CRUSHER	Anguirus... oh, never mind. You could get yourself and all the rest of us in a whole lot of trouble.
ANGUIRUS	Why's that? They're too small to fight with us.
DR. CRUSHER	Physically, maybe, but they have other ways. Just don't eat any more for now.
ANGUIRUS	Well, I think I already ate all the ones in this room. I don't smell any more of them.
DR. CRUSHER	That's good... I guess. I'd better talk to the Captain about this.
WILL	We're not gonna get into trouble, are we?
DR. CRUSHER	You boys leave those bugs alone from now on, okay?
WILL	Yes, ma'am.
WESLEY	Okay, Mom.
ANGUIRUS	All right, but I sure wish I could get some fresh meat. At least they're fresh, and you have to chase them. I don't like that mushy meat that doesn't move. It doesn't taste very good, and it isn't very fun to hunt.
DR. CRUSHER	(SIGHS) Why don't you two show him to the holodeck? It looks like all of you need some entertainment.
NARRATOR	Will, Wesley and Anguirus head to the holodeck, and Dr. Crusher returns to her quarters, where she finds Dr. Smith.
DR. SMITH	How did the negotiations go, my dear?
DR. CRUSHER	Not very well, I'm afraid. Those Unthings don't want anything we can offer them, and now the Captain is even thinking of bringing in Captain Chekov.
DR. SMITH	Captain Chekov? And dare I ask what is so bad about --
DR. CRUSHER	Zachary... what's wrong with Iphigenia?
DR. SMITH	Wrong with Iphigenia? What do you mean?
DR. CRUSHER	Look at her!
DR. SMITH	Good heavens! What is wrong with her? Oh, Iphigenia, my dear... don't do this to me now! I don't know anything about veterinary medicine. Where is that tricorder thing... ?
DR. CRUSHER	Here it is. Let me take a look at her.

SFX: TRICORDER

DR. CRUSHER	It says she's suffering from yttrium poisoning.
DR. SMITH	Yttrium poisoning! But Beverly... how on earth would she have gotten hold of yttrium?
DR. CRUSHER	I have no idea.
DR. SMITH	I know what to do. We'll take her to... oh, what's his name... that white robot.
DR. CRUSHER	What white robot?
DR. SMITH	You know... Data.
DR. CRUSHER	Zachary, Data is not a robot!
DR. SMITH	Whatever he is, he has that modified translator that he can use to talk to cats.
NARRATOR	Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith take Iphigenia to meet with Data in Data's quarters.
DATA	My Spot is also ill.

SFX: TRICORDER

DR. CRUSHER	He's also suffering from yttrium poisoning!
DATA	I have turned on the translation device, Doctors.
DR. SMITH	Iphigenia, my dear, what poisoned you? What have you been eating?
IPHIGENIA	(WEAKLY) Ah, my dear Muffy, thy sensible speech hath returneth. Thy intellect is so uncertain in its manifestation.
DR. SMITH	Never mind that! What is making you ill? Surely you must know something!
IPHIGENIA	Meseemeth, thy poor feline hath been afflicted by the noisesome little creatures, so bonny to chase and hunt, but so foul on the tongue.
DR. CRUSHER	The Unthings!
SPOT	(WEAKLY) Aye, the little creatures are bitter as gall and wormwood.
DR. SMITH	If they taste so bad, why do you eat them?
IPHIGENIA	Bitter though they be, they be a right merrier repast than the feces thou servest me, that neither moveth nor uttereth nary a squeak, and which tasteth like the floor of a kitty litter pan.
DATA	This explains why I have been finding little suits and shoes and wing cases scattered around my quarters.
DR. CRUSHER	Data, test those wing cases for yttrium!
DATA	Yes, Doctor.

SFX: COMPUTER BEEPING

DATA	The Unthing remains have extremely high contents of yttrium and iron, Doctor.

MUSIC: SHARP STAB

NARRATOR	Star Tricked will be back after this message from our sponsor.
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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR	And now, back to our program. Dr. Crusher contacts Captain Picard while Dr. Smith administers treatments to Spot and Iphigenia for yttrium poisoning.
DR. CRUSHER	Captain, I need to speak to you in the debugged room right away. It's urgent.
PICARD	(OVER COMMUNICATOR) All right, Doctor. I'm on my way. Meet me there in fifteen minutes. Picard out.
NARRATOR	A few minutes later, Dr. Crusher, Dr. Smith, and Lt. Commander Data meet with Captain Picard in a secure area of the ship.
PICARD	What did you need to discuss with me, Doctor?
DR. CRUSHER	Two things, Captain. First, I know what's happening to the Unthings now. Anguirus and our cats have been eating them.
PICARD	Hmmm... that is not good at all.
DR. CRUSHER	Well, I don't think the rest of them know at the moment. So far I don't think any of them have lived to escape and tell the others. At any rate, I don't think it's going to happen anymore. I've told Anguirus to stop, and the cats get sick from eating them.
DR. SMITH	Those dreadful creatures are saturated with yttrium, Captain!
PICARD	Yttrium! Are you sure?
DATA	Dr. Smith is correct, sir. The Unthings require high concentrations of yttrium in their diet in order to survive. That explains their voracious behavior. Yttrium is present only in trace amounts in most substances.
PICARD	How interesting.
DR. SMITH	Well, then, it would seem to me that the next step is to find an yttrium mine somewhere and direct the Unthings to it.
DATA	Only if it were an abandoned mine, Doctor. It would be inappropriate to inflict these creatures on yet another population.
PICARD	Well, if yttrium is what they're after, then I know exactly where to send them.
DR. CRUSHER	Where is that, Captain?
PICARD	A few years ago I learned more about yttrium than I ever wanted to know. Borg implants are yttrium alloys, and the Borg produce yttrium-rich waste in large quantities as a byproduct of their metabolism.
DR. CRUSHER	The Borg!
DR. SMITH	Oh, no . . . Please, my dear sir, tell me you are not planning to actually seek out those mechanical terrors!
PICARD	We may have no other choice in the matter, Dr. Smith. And besides, we have reason to believe that the Borg may be incapacitated at the moment.
DR. SMITH	We do?
PICARD	Yes. By now, Lore has probably reached the Mother Cube with his Borg that were contaminated by the mind of Woody Allen. With luck, the Woody Allen mind will have taken over the entire collective.
DR. CRUSHER	Captain, how are we going to find them? We don't even know if they're still in the Alpha Quadrant!
PICARD	Oh, we'll find them. Remember, I still have a strong connection to the Borg collective. I can feel their existance in my mind at all times. All we have to worry about is how to convince the Unthings to transfer to them.
NARRATOR	Picard and his senior officers meet with Hubert the Unthing in the Captain's ready room once again.
PICARD	Hubert, we have come up with some terms that you and your people might find interesting.
UNTHING	Oh, yeah?
PICARD	Yes. We know what your specific dietary needs are, and our research has led us to one of the richest sources of yttrium in the known universe.
UNTHING	Okay, I'll bite . . .
DEANNA	Um . . .
UNTHING	Heh, heh, don't worry, toots, I don't mean that literally. Where is it?
PICARD	There is a race of beings known as the Borg. They produce yttrium-rich waste as a natural byproduct of their metabolic processes.
UNTHING	Well, that sounds very interesting, but if you're about to put us in a situation that could possibly endanger any of my people . . .
PICARD	I don't believe they would harm you, Hubert. They only seem to be interested in assimilating large humanoids. And besides, we have reason to believe that the Borg are now completely harmless.
UNTHING	How do you figure?
PICARD	Let's just say that their hive mind has been contaminated in a way that should interefere with their more aggressive activities.
UNTHING	I dunno, Captain. We don't wanna live anywhere where the living conditions are less than tip-top. We like a nice warm ship . . .
PICARD	I wouldn't worry about that. The Borg like to keep their ships extremely warm and humid, and I can't imagine that their current difficulties will interfere with their ability to maintain environmental controls on board their ship. Now, here's the deal. We will escort you to the Borg if you will evacuate our ship and colonize the Borg ship, instead.
UNTHING	Okay, Captain. I'll have to talk this over with my people, but it looks like you might have yourself a deal. But if it looks like there's even a hint of hanky-panky involved, the deal is kaput, see? So don't try any funny stuff. There ain't a trick in the universe we ain't seen.
PICARD	I assure you, this is no trick.
UNTHING	Yeah. See ya, Captain.
NARRATOR	Hubert leaves.
RIKER	Captain, I sure hope you know what you're doing.
PICARD	Of course I know what I'm doing, Number One! I know the Borg better than anyone.
NARRATOR	Later, Geordi, Will, Wesley, Lal, Sock and Soredick are talking to Guinan in Ten Forward.
GUINAN	Let me get this straight. The Captain said we're going to escort those bugs to the Borg? We're actually going to seek the Borg out?
GEORDI	Yep, that's about it.
WILL	Golly. I sure hope the Captain is right about them being harmless.
SOCK	It is a logical assumption, assuming that Lore and his Woody Allen contaminated Borg have arrived at the Mother Cube. Besides that, knowing the Borg, it is not likely that they would pose much of a threat to the Unthings under any circumstances.
GEORDI	I'm a bit more worried about the threat they pose to us.
WESLEY	But those bugs are awfully hard to take. If the Borg got annoyed enough . . . splat!
SOREDICK	The Unthings' only intention is to consume the yttrium-rich fecal matter produced by the Borg. Since feces are considered waste material by the Borg, they would probably not regard the consumption of it as life-threatening.
WILL	But those Unthings stink!
SOREDICK	So do the Borg. Gangrene is a rather severe problem among them.
WESLEY	So, how long is it going to take to get to the Borg? I mean, aren't they, like, totally almost in the Delta Quadrant?
LAL	I have been keeping track of this situation. Judging from the Borg's position relative to our own, and the maximum speed capacity of this vessel, I estimate that we will arrive at our destination in approximately eight months, twenty-one days, fourteen hours, twenty-five minutes, ten seconds, fifteen point four milli --
WESLEY	Um, yeah. So, like, a pretty long time.
LAL	My estimation cannot be entirely accurate, of course, since there is the possibility of the Borg moving from their present location, and the chance that something will interrupt our progress along the way.
WILL	Wow, almost nine months! Dr. Smith's not gonna be happy.
GEORDI	I guess that means your little sister is going to be born outside of Federation space!
NARRATOR	Later, Will and Wesley return to their quarters.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS

WESLEY	I'm almost afraid to open this door. Like, we shouldn't have left that weird lizard guy in there alone for so long.
WILL	Well, we can't be watching him all the time.
WESLEY	Yeah, and his chattering gets awfully annoying after a while.
WILL	I guess we'd better see what he's been up to.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: CRASHING, SPLATTERING AND SNORTING

WESLEY	Auuugh! What the hell are you doing to my room?!
ANGUIRUS	Don't interrupt me! I'm hunting!
WILL	Dr. Crusher told you not to hunt those bugs anymore!
ANGUIRUS	I'm not. I'm hunting that mush. It's much more interesting if you throw it against the walls and then pounce on it.
WESLEY	Aw, shit, man! My room! And what the hell is that smell?
ANGUIRUS	I marked it so everyone would know it's my room now. But you can still share it with me.
WILL	Anguirus, I'd have thought you'd have gotten all that hunting stuff out of your system in the holodeck. We were in there for hours, and all you did was hunt and fight with things.
ANGUIRUS	There's no such thing as too much hunting and fighting! Besides, I'm a young monster. I need all the training I can get.
WILL	Anyway, you can't just pee all over our room!
ANGUIRUS	Well, if you really want this territory all for yourselves, I guess I can find another spot. It's a little crowded in here anyway.
WESLEY	Like, no duh you're gonna find another spot! I'm gonna make sure you find another spot! Like, outside the airlock!
WILL	You shouldn't say things like that, Wesley. Don't be so mean to him. I mean, he's just doing what his instincts tell him to do. And besides, Dr. Crusher... I mean, Mom... says that he's just a baby.
WESLEY	Well, if you like him so much, you can go with him and sleep in his piss somewhere else! Aw, man . . . my room!
WILL	We'll talk to Mom about it. I bet she'll know a place where he can stay.
WESLEY	Yeah, sure. The way Mom's been acting, she'll probably kick us out and make us sleep on the floor in the corridors so the lizard can have more room to hunt!

MUSIC: SHARP STAB

NARRATOR	Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.
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HOUSEWIFE	But will my cat really like it?
CHEESY AD LADY	Try it and see! Cats love our blend of rodentoid or fish extracts from species across the galaxy! And it's easy to prepare - just mix, pour, and sprinkle with live glirk larvae from the enclosed packet, so that it moves! Just the way Fluffy likes it!
HOUSEWIFE	What do you think of Fletcher Paste Kitty Delite Rodent Extract, Fluffy?
FLUFFY	Plurf! Purrrr!
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FLUFFY	Meow!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR

And now, back to our program. We find the Captain in his ready room.

SFX: DOOR BUZZER

PICARD

Yes, come.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING

PICARD	What the --?! Puffie!
PUFFIE	Hi, Cap'n! Will you pwetty pwease help me with something?
PICARD	Puffie, I have no time for frivolity. Leave at once. I am quite busy.
PUFFIE	But, Cap'n . . .
PICARD	You heard me! That's an order!
PUFFIE	Okay! Bye-bye, Cap'n. I'll come back when you're having a better day.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING

PICARD	(MUTTERING) Damned bothersome android . . .
NARRATOR	Meanwhile, Will and Wesley discuss Anguirus with Dr. Crusher in their quarters.
WESLEY	Mom, he totally, like, trashed my room!
DR. CRUSHER	(SIGHING HAPPILY) Oh, Wes, monsters will be monsters. Well, I'll have a talk with him. I didn't know monsters had to be housebroken.
WESLEY	You're not gonna make us keep sharing our quarters with him, are you?
DR. CRUSHER	I know young boys need their privacy. I'll talk to the Captain and see if we can find another place for him to sleep. But Wesley, you have to understand that he's still just a baby. He needs your guidance and attention and love. He needs someone to look up to.
WESLEY	Mom, he's not my son! I'm not the one who adopted him!
DR. CRUSHER	Oh, Wes, he needs a strong male figure to look up to. And besides, you know how busy I am in sickbay and how tired I get now that I'm expecting your sister.
WESLEY	What about Dr. Smith?
DR. CRUSHER	Well, of course Zachary is a good father, but he doesn't have the energy to keep up with and entertain a young monster like Anguirus. Anguirus needs big brothers to romp with!
WILL	Don't worry, Wesley, I'll help you watch him.
WESLEY	Great.
DR. CRUSHER	Perhaps we can adapt part of the hydroponics deck into a room for him. I'll talk to the Captain.
NARRATOR	Several months later, we find the Enterprise drawing nearer to her destination. Data and Picard are in Picard's quarters.
PICARD	Oh, Data, it's so good to have a chance to spend some time with you. I've been getting so tense. Puffie has been pestering me non-stop for the past several months. He keeps trying to talk to me about some nonsense. And meanwhile, I'm starting to feel the Borg's presence more than ever . . .
DATA	Yes, Captain.
PICARD	And Dr. Crusher has not been doing much to discipline that monster of hers. No matter how many times we talk to him about it, he still threatens to eat anybody who goes into the hydroponics deck. The whole place smells like lizard urine. Oh, Data . . . I need your arms around me, darling. Caress me.
DATA	Yes, sir.
PICARD	Oh, Data!
DATA	By the way, Captain, I know why Puffie wishes to speak to you.
PICARD	Data! Right now I am trying to relax with you and get away from some of the tension of this damned mission, and you start talking about Puffie!
DATA	I sense irritation in your voice, sir, but I believe you will be pleased if I tell you Puffie's wishes.
PICARD	Data . . . oh, all right, tell me, but then let's get on with what we were doing.
DATA	Puffie wants to return to our father's laboratory. He wishes to work on a major project. He says it is important.
PICARD	Wha-- you mean Puffie actually wants to leave the Enterprise?! That's-- that's incredibly good news! If that's what he wanted, why didn't he tell me?
DATA	He indicated to me that you would not permit him to tell you.
PICARD	Ah . . . yes . . . well, I must say, that is some of the best news I have heard in months. We must stop at Omicron Theta on the way back to drop him off.
DATA	The Prince of Bigassia will not be pleased at yet another delay.
PICARD	Oh, it's not that far out of our way. What will one more little delay be to him after all this time?
DATA	Perhaps you are right, Captain. I am now ready to continue with our amorous activities.
NARRATOR	Later, we find Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith in their quarters.
DR. SMITH	What's the matter, my dear?
DR. CRUSHER	Oh, I'm just a little nervous, that's all. Just normal maternal anxieties . . .
DR. SMITH	I must admit that my own nerves have been a bit frayed lately. But I'm sure everything will go smoothly . . . don't worry, Beverly dear.
DR. CRUSHER	Well, I guess it's not really the labor I'm so concerned about. It's just -- well, I know the Borg have probably have been rendered harmless, but we don't know for sure --
DR. SMITH	(A GASP OF ALARM) We don't?
DR. CRUSHER	-- and it makes me nervous going so near them when I'm this close to having a baby. If I were to be assimilated while I was pregnant, the Borg would be getting two people. But I'm probably just being silly.
DR. SMITH	(NERVOUSLY) Heavens, dear -- I don't think you're being the least bit silly! Oh, the pain . . .
DR. CRUSHER	Oh, Zachary. You know that we're only doing this because we have to. It's the only way we'll ever get rid of the Unthings and get back to Federation space . . . and Earth.
DR. SMITH	You're right, of course. But, all the same, my dear . . .
DR. CRUSHER	Actually, I don't think I'll have to worry about getting assimilated while I'm pregnant, after all.
DR. SMITH	Why is that?
DR. CRUSHER	I'm in labor.

MUSIC: SHARP STAB