STAR TRICKED: THE NEXT PERPETRATION

Episode 17: An Appetite for Yttrium

By Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte

This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Anguirus makes himself at home on the Enterprise and Picard tries to make a deal with the Unthings.



MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/BREAKOUT
 

PICARD

Well, Robot--

ROBOT

Elizabeth!

PICARD

Um... yes. As I was saying, Elizabeth, I have a little job for you. Would you like to say the introduction this time?

ROBOT

Affirmative!

PICARD

Good, let's hear it.

ROBOT

Last week, as you recall, the intrepid crew of the USS Enterprise--

PICARD

No, no, the recapitulation is my job! That's what the Captain's Log is for. You're just supposed to say what show this is.

ROBOT

This is Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration.

PICARD

But you're supposed to explain our mission! Here, read the script.

ROBOT

This document is fraught with logical errors.

PICARD

Argh! I should have known better than to give this job to another damned machine.

ROBOT

f you are going to resort to insults, I will not do your introduction for you. Good-bye!

PICARD

(INDISTINCT CURSING)

NARRATOR

Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
 

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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 

NARRATOR

We now return to our program. 

PICARD

Captain's log: We have been banished from Federation space until we can deal with the Unthings, the race of insectoid people who are currently inhabiting our ship. We have decided to attempt to negotiate with them. I have let the Prince of Bigassia out of the brig for the time being, on the condition that he does not fraternize with Lt. Commander Worf. Meanwhile, I am somewhat concerned by the fact that Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith have decided to adopt a sentient, reptilian life-form from the non-Federation planet Toho IV... 

NARRATOR

We find Dr. Smith, Dr. Crusher, Wesley Crusher, Will Robinson, Elizabeth the Robot, and Anguirus, the young monster from Toho IV, in Dr. Smith and Dr. Crusher's quarters. 

WILL

Golly! He's gonna be our brother? 

DR. CRUSHER

Yes! Isn't he adorable? 

WESLEY

I don't believe this!

ROBOT

You have adopted a monster after turning me down?! 

DR. CRUSHER

Oh, don't be silly. I can't adopt you. You're several centuries older than I am. And besides, you aren't an orphan. Although you are sort of cute... 

DR. SMITH

Ahem-- I'll talk to him, Beverly. 

NARRATOR

Dr. Smith takes the Robot aside. 

DR. SMITH

(IN A WHISPER) Now, listen, you booby-- 

ROBOT

I don't talk to hypocrites! 

DR. SMITH

(IN A WHISPER) Quiet, you! This wasn't my idea. The poor woman's good judgment has been overpowered by hormones. Our only hope is that she'll see reason once the baby is born. 

ROBOT

I do not like it!

DR. SMITH

(IN A WHISPER) Neither do I, not in the least! All we can do is hope that this situation is only temporary.

SFX: COMMUNICATOR
 

PICARD

(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Picard to Dr. Crusher. Report to the conference room.

DR. CRUSHER

I'm on my way, Captain. Crusher out. Well, I guess this is it. 

DR. SMITH

Good luck with the negotiations, my dear.

DR. CRUSHER

Thanks, Zachary. Anguirus, Will, Wesley, you three boys get acquainted with each other, and behave while I'm gone! 

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 

NARRATOR

Beverly leaves her quarters. 

DR. SMITH

I am going to go continue my research in sickbay. I suggest that you three gentlemen relocate yourselves to Wesley's and Will's room.

WILL

How far along are you in your research, Dr. Smith? 

DR. SMITH

I have a long way to go, William. Four centuries worth of accumulated medical knowledge is a lot to catch up with. 

WILL

I'll say. It's gonna take me forever just to get enough of the basic stuff in engineering so that I can apply for Starfleet Academy. Well, see ya later, sir.

NARRATOR

Will, Wesley and Anguirus head to Will and Wesley's shared quarters.

SFX: HUMAN AND MONSTER FOOTSTEPS
 

ANGUIRUS

've never been on a ship before. This place is really nice, but the food doesn't taste very good, and there aren't any plants.

WILL

Well, I guess there's not much we can do about the food, but there's a nice hydroponics deck with lots of plants, and then there's the holodeck. That's really neat. Hey, why are you stopping?

WESLEY

What are you doing?! 

ANGUIRUS

Just marking my territory. 

WESLEY

You can't just pee on the wall! Oh, man, the Captain's gonna be majorly pissed. Where does Mom find all these weird people?!

WILL

Golly! I hope he's not gonna do that in our room.

WESLEY

He'd better not!

ANGUIRUS

But I'll have to! That's the only way anyone will know it's our territory.

WESLEY

No way I am going to share my room with you. It's bad enough to have to share it with dorky pants boy here... 

WILL

Hey! 

NARRATOR

The two boys and the monster arrive at Will and Wesley's quarters.

WESLEY

Here we are. You can look around, but don't touch anything. And if you piss in here, you die.

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, we find Captain Picard, Lt. Commander Data, Lt. Commander Riker, Counselor Deanna Troi, Dr. Crusher, Lt. Commander Worf, Lt. Commander LaForge, and Admiral Kirk in the conference room.

PICARD

They said they were sending in a representative. What's taking them so long?

SFX: SKITTERING
 

PICARD

Ah, there you are.

UNTHING

I'm Hubert. I'm here to represent my people. I don't know what you think you're gonna accomplish. This is just a waste of my time. I could be eating right now, you know.

PICARD

Yes. Now Hubert, we have called you here to discuss a very important matter.

UNTHING

Yeah, I know. You wanna negotiate an agreement. You give us something, we leave. 

PICARD

I suppose you could put it that way... 

DEANNA

We're looking for a mutually beneficial solution to this problem.

UNTHING

We don't have a problem.

WORF

(UNDER HIS BREATH) The only mutually beneficial solution I can see is to put them out of our misery. 

GEORDI

(IN A WHISPER) Worf, be quiet! 

UNTHING

Well, it's all very proper and diplomatic, Captain, but I'm afraid you can't give us anything we can't get on our own here on the ship.

PICARD

Surely there's something you need that we could supply you.

UNTHING

Sorry, pal. There's nothing that we want that we can't just take right here where we are.

KIRK

Well, maybe we don't have anything you want, but I'm sure we can offer you something you don't want!

DEANNA

Admiral... 

PICARD

Now, Counselor, the Admiral has a point. I can certainly think of something that they wouldn't want.

UNTHING

Oh, a threat, huh? Watch it, Bub. We can sue you for harassment.

PICARD

No, no threats. This would all be perfectly legal. All we have to do is send for Captain Chekov.

SFX: CREW MEMBERS GASP
 

GEORDI

Sir?!

DEANNA

Captain... really! Think of your crew! 

KIRK

My god, man... are we really that desperate?!

PICARD

I don't know, Admiral. Are we? It's something we have to consider.

UNTHING

So, ah... what does this Chekov character do? I have to admit, you've aroused my curiosity. 

KIRK

He doesn't do anything, to speak of. He just... exists. That's all he has to do.

DEANNA

Even if we don't like Chekov, sir, what assurance do we have that the Unthings won't?

PICARD

It's an inherent characteristic of his genetic make-up.

UNTHING

While we're on the subject of threats, Captain, there's something else of importance we need to talk about. We have reason to believe there's some foul play going on.

PICARD

What do you mean?

UNTHING

Let's see... ah, here we are.

NARRATOR

Hubert pulls a paper out of his briefcase. 

UNTHING

This is the list of our people who are currently unaccounted for. We wanna know what you did with Alice, Walter, Oscar, Gladys, Chauncy, Madeline, Floyd, and Humphrey. They've all disappeared over the past week.

PICARD

I have no idea where they are. It's not my responsibility to keep track of your people! I have my own crew to worry about.

UNTHING

Captain, if there's any kind of hanky-panky going on, it would mean serious trouble for you. Our people didn't just disappear.

RIKER

This is ridiculous.

PICARD

We don't know where they are!

UNTHING

We'll take your word for it for now, but if we find out that anything screwy's happening, Captain, watch out. Your Federation would be facing serious lawsuits, buddy. Now, if we have nothing more to discuss, I'm hungry, so let's say this meeting is adjourned. And remember, we'll be investigating you.

SFX: SKITTERING
 

NARRATOR

Hubert runs off.

KIRK

All right, time for the Raid! 

DEANNA

Admiral! 

PICARD

Damn. That didn't get us anywhere at all! 

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Will, Wesley and Anguirus are still in Will's and Wesley's quarters. 

WILL

I still can't believe that lady from the future is gonna be our sister. 

WESLEY

All I can say is, I'm sure glad I'm older than her. Although I guess she's probably going to be a brat as a little kid. Hey guys, take a look at this magazine. I snitched it from Riker.

WILL

But Wes... it's just a bunch of pictures of girls. They don't even have any clothes on!

WESLEY

Well, duh! That's the point!

WILL

I don't understand. Why do you want to look at a bunch of dumb girls? Without any clothes on?

WESLEY

Oh, come on!

WILL

Maybe if you had some sisters you wouldn't think girls were so great. 

WESLEY

I wish Mom had adopted your sisters instead of you.

ANGUIRUS

So that's what humans look like without clothes! Hey, what are those things for on their chests? Why don't you two have those?

WILL

That's 'cause we're boys. Only girls have those. At least, grown up ones do.

ANGUIRUS

What are they for? Is that where they store their eggs?

WILL

They're for feeding babies.

ANGUIRUS

You mean babies eat those? Are they tasty?

WILL

Babies just drink stuff that comes out of them.

WESLEY

And guys like to play with them.

ANGUIRUS

They do? Are they detachable?

WESLEY

No! You're just supposed to play with them while they're on the woman.

ANGUIRUS

Do you suppose Beverly will let me play with hers?

WESLEY

No way! Only Dr. Smith is allowed to play with Mom's.

WILL

(AWED) Golly... do you suppose he does?

WESLEY

I don't know... I don't even wanna think about it! 

WILL

Hey... there's one of those bugs! 

ANGUIRUS

(GROWLING AND SNORTING)

SFX: CRASHING, UNTHING SQUEALING, SLURPING AND CRUNCHING
 

WESLEY

Yeah! There's another one! Get 'im! 

SFX: MORE CRASHING, SQUEALING AND GULPING
 

ANGUIRUS

Hmm... they don't taste so good, but they're better than what comes out of those synthesizers. Ooh, another one!

SFX: CRASHING, SQUEALING AND GULPING SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 

DR. CRUSHER

What is going on in here?!

WESLEY

Anguirus is eating those bugs, Mom! 

DR. CRUSHER

Oh, no... 

WILL

What's wrong, ma'am?

WESLEY

Yeah, Mom... what's the problem? We thought it was kind of a good idea.

DR. CRUSHER

So that's what's been happening to them. Listen... stop, okay?

ANGUIRUS

Why?

DR. CRUSHER

Well, they're... they're sentient.

ANGUIRUS

No they're not! They taste terrible!

DR. CRUSHER

I mean they're people. They're smart.

ANGUIRUS

They don't seem that smart. They're not nearly as fast as I am.

DR. CRUSHER

Anguirus... oh, never mind. You could get yourself and all the rest of us in a whole lot of trouble.

ANGUIRUS

Why's that? They're too small to fight with us.

DR. CRUSHER

Physically, maybe, but they have other ways. Just don't eat any more for now.

ANGUIRUS

Well, I think I already ate all the ones in this room. I don't smell any more of them.

DR. CRUSHER

That's good... I guess. I'd better talk to the Captain about this.

WILL

We're not gonna get into trouble, are we?

DR. CRUSHER

You boys leave those bugs alone from now on, okay?

WILL

Yes, ma'am.

WESLEY

Okay, Mom.

ANGUIRUS

All right, but I sure wish I could get some fresh meat. At least they're fresh, and you have to chase them. I don't like that mushy meat that doesn't move. It doesn't taste very good, and it isn't very fun to hunt.

DR. CRUSHER

(SIGHS) Why don't you two show him to the holodeck? It looks like all of you need some entertainment.

NARRATOR

Will, Wesley and Anguirus head to the holodeck, and Dr. Crusher returns to her quarters, where she finds Dr. Smith.

DR. SMITH

How did the negotiations go, my dear?

DR. CRUSHER

Not very well, I'm afraid. Those Unthings don't want anything we can offer them, and now the Captain is even thinking of bringing in Captain Chekov.

DR. SMITH

Captain Chekov? And dare I ask what is so bad about --

DR. CRUSHER

Zachary... what's wrong with Iphigenia?

DR. SMITH

Wrong with Iphigenia? What do you mean?

DR. CRUSHER

Look at her! 

DR. SMITH

Good heavens! What is wrong with her? Oh, Iphigenia, my dear... don't do this to me now! I don't know anything about veterinary medicine. Where is that tricorder thing... ?

DR. CRUSHER

Here it is. Let me take a look at her.

SFX: TRICORDER
 

DR. CRUSHER

It says she's suffering from yttrium poisoning.

DR. SMITH

Yttrium poisoning! But Beverly... how on earth would she have gotten hold of yttrium?

DR. CRUSHER

I have no idea.

DR. SMITH

I know what to do. We'll take her to... oh, what's his name... that white robot.

DR. CRUSHER

What white robot?

DR. SMITH

You know... Data.

DR. CRUSHER

Zachary, Data is not a robot!

DR. SMITH

Whatever he is, he has that modified translator that he can use to talk to cats.

NARRATOR

Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith take Iphigenia to meet with Data in Data's quarters.

DATA

My Spot is also ill.

SFX: TRICORDER
 

DR. CRUSHER

He's also suffering from yttrium poisoning! 

DATA

I have turned on the translation device, Doctors.

DR. SMITH

Iphigenia, my dear, what poisoned you? What have you been eating?

IPHIGENIA

(WEAKLY) Ah, my dear Muffy, thy sensible speech hath returneth. Thy intellect is so uncertain in its manifestation. 

DR. SMITH

Never mind that! What is making you ill? Surely you must know something! 

IPHIGENIA

Meseemeth, thy poor feline hath been afflicted by the noisesome little creatures, so bonny to chase and hunt, but so foul on the tongue.

DR. CRUSHER

The Unthings!

SPOT

(WEAKLY) Aye, the little creatures are bitter as gall and wormwood.

DR. SMITH

If they taste so bad, why do you eat them?

IPHIGENIA

Bitter though they be, they be a right merrier repast than the feces thou servest me, that neither moveth nor uttereth nary a squeak, and which tasteth like the floor of a kitty litter pan.

DATA

This explains why I have been finding little suits and shoes and wing cases scattered around my quarters.

DR. CRUSHER

Data, test those wing cases for yttrium!

DATA

Yes, Doctor. 

SFX: COMPUTER BEEPING
 

DATA

The Unthing remains have extremely high contents of yttrium and iron, Doctor. 

MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 

NARRATOR

Star Tricked will be back after this message from our sponsor.

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MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 

NARRATOR

And now, back to our program. Dr. Crusher contacts Captain Picard while Dr. Smith administers treatments to Spot and Iphigenia for yttrium poisoning.

DR. CRUSHER

Captain, I need to speak to you in the debugged room right away. It's urgent.

PICARD

(OVER COMMUNICATOR) All right, Doctor. I'm on my way. Meet me there in fifteen minutes. Picard out.

NARRATOR

A few minutes later, Dr. Crusher, Dr. Smith, and Lt. Commander Data meet with Captain Picard in a secure area of the ship.

PICARD

What did you need to discuss with me, Doctor?

DR. CRUSHER

Two things, Captain. First, I know what's happening to the Unthings now. Anguirus and our cats have been eating them.

PICARD

Hmmm... that is not good at all. 

DR. CRUSHER

Well, I don't think the rest of them know at the moment. So far I don't think any of them have lived to escape and tell the others. At any rate, I don't think it's going to happen anymore. I've told Anguirus to stop, and the cats get sick from eating them. 

DR. SMITH

Those dreadful creatures are saturated with yttrium, Captain! 

PICARD

Yttrium! Are you sure? 

DATA

Dr. Smith is correct, sir. The Unthings require high concentrations of yttrium in their diet in order to survive. That explains their voracious behavior. Yttrium is present only in trace amounts in most substances.

PICARD

How interesting.

DR. SMITH

Well, then, it would seem to me that the next step is to find an yttrium mine somewhere and direct the Unthings to it. 

DATA

Only if it were an abandoned mine, Doctor. It would be inappropriate to inflict these creatures on yet another population. 

PICARD

Well, if yttrium is what they're after, then I know exactly where to send them. 

DR. CRUSHER

Where is that, Captain?

PICARD

A few years ago I learned more about yttrium than I ever wanted to know. Borg implants are yttrium alloys, and the Borg produce yttrium-rich waste in large quantities as a byproduct of their metabolism.

DR. CRUSHER

The Borg!

DR. SMITH

Oh, no . . . Please, my dear sir, tell me you are not planning to actually seek out those mechanical terrors! 

PICARD

We may have no other choice in the matter, Dr. Smith. And besides, we have reason to believe that the Borg may be incapacitated at the moment.

DR. SMITH

We do?

PICARD

Yes. By now, Lore has probably reached the Mother Cube with his Borg that were contaminated by the mind of Woody Allen. With luck, the Woody Allen mind will have taken over the entire collective.

DR. CRUSHER

Captain, how are we going to find them? We don't even know if they're still in the Alpha Quadrant!

PICARD

Oh, we'll find them. Remember, I still have a strong connection to the Borg collective. I can feel their existance in my mind at all times. All we have to worry about is how to convince the Unthings to transfer to them.

NARRATOR

Picard and his senior officers meet with Hubert the Unthing in the Captain's ready room once again.

PICARD

Hubert, we have come up with some terms that you and your people might find interesting. 

UNTHING

Oh, yeah?

PICARD

Yes. We know what your specific dietary needs are, and our research has led us to one of the richest sources of yttrium in the known universe.

UNTHING

Okay, I'll bite . . . 

DEANNA

Um . . .

UNTHING

Heh, heh, don't worry, toots, I don't mean that literally. Where is it?

PICARD

There is a race of beings known as the Borg. They produce yttrium-rich waste as a natural byproduct of their metabolic processes. 

UNTHING

Well, that sounds very interesting, but if you're about to put us in a situation that could possibly endanger any of my people . . . 

PICARD

I don't believe they would harm you, Hubert. They only seem to be interested in assimilating large humanoids. And besides, we have reason to believe that the Borg are now completely harmless. 

UNTHING

How do you figure?

PICARD

Let's just say that their hive mind has been contaminated in a way that should interefere with their more aggressive activities. 

UNTHING

I dunno, Captain. We don't wanna live anywhere where the living conditions are less than tip-top. We like a nice warm ship . . . 

PICARD

I wouldn't worry about that. The Borg like to keep their ships extremely warm and humid, and I can't imagine that their current difficulties will interfere with their ability to maintain environmental controls on board their ship. Now, here's the deal. We will escort you to the Borg if you will evacuate our ship and colonize the Borg ship, instead.

UNTHING

Okay, Captain. I'll have to talk this over with my people, but it looks like you might have yourself a deal. But if it looks like there's even a hint of hanky-panky involved, the deal is kaput, see? So don't try any funny stuff. There ain't a trick in the universe we ain't seen.

PICARD

I assure you, this is no trick. 

UNTHING

Yeah. See ya, Captain.

NARRATOR

Hubert leaves.

RIKER

Captain, I sure hope you know what you're doing.

PICARD

Of course I know what I'm doing, Number One! I know the Borg better than anyone.

NARRATOR

Later, Geordi, Will, Wesley, Lal, Sock and Soredick are talking to Guinan in Ten Forward. 

GUINAN

Let me get this straight. The Captain said we're going to escort those bugs to the Borg? We're actually going to seek the Borg out?

GEORDI

Yep, that's about it.

WILL

Golly. I sure hope the Captain is right about them being harmless.

SOCK

It is a logical assumption, assuming that Lore and his Woody Allen contaminated Borg have arrived at the Mother Cube. Besides that, knowing the Borg, it is not likely that they would pose much of a threat to the Unthings under any circumstances.

GEORDI

I'm a bit more worried about the threat they pose to us.

WESLEY

But those bugs are awfully hard to take. If the Borg got annoyed enough . . . splat!

SOREDICK

The Unthings' only intention is to consume the yttrium-rich fecal matter produced by the Borg. Since feces are considered waste material by the Borg, they would probably not regard the consumption of it as life-threatening.

WILL

But those Unthings stink! 

SOREDICK

So do the Borg. Gangrene is a rather severe problem among them.

WESLEY

So, how long is it going to take to get to the Borg? I mean, aren't they, like, totally almost in the Delta Quadrant?

LAL

I have been keeping track of this situation. Judging from the Borg's position relative to our own, and the maximum speed capacity of this vessel, I estimate that we will arrive at our destination in approximately eight months, twenty-one days, fourteen hours, twenty-five minutes, ten seconds, fifteen point four milli -- 

WESLEY

Um, yeah. So, like, a pretty long time. 

LAL

My estimation cannot be entirely accurate, of course, since there is the possibility of the Borg moving from their present location, and the chance that something will interrupt our progress along the way. 

WILL

Wow, almost nine months! Dr. Smith's not gonna be happy.

GEORDI

I guess that means your little sister is going to be born outside of Federation space! 

NARRATOR

Later, Will and Wesley return to their quarters.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 

WESLEY

I'm almost afraid to open this door. Like, we shouldn't have left that weird lizard guy in there alone for so long.

WILL

Well, we can't be watching him all the time. 

WESLEY

Yeah, and his chattering gets awfully annoying after a while.

WILL

I guess we'd better see what he's been up to.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: CRASHING, SPLATTERING AND SNORTING
 

WESLEY

Auuugh! What the hell are you doing to my room?!

ANGUIRUS

Don't interrupt me! I'm hunting!

WILL

Dr. Crusher told you not to hunt those bugs anymore!

ANGUIRUS

I'm not. I'm hunting that mush. It's much more interesting if you throw it against the walls and then pounce on it.

WESLEY

Aw, shit, man! My room! And what the hell is that smell?

ANGUIRUS

I marked it so everyone would know it's my room now. But you can still share it with me. 

WILL

Anguirus, I'd have thought you'd have gotten all that hunting stuff out of your system in the holodeck. We were in there for hours, and all you did was hunt and fight with things.

ANGUIRUS

There's no such thing as too much hunting and fighting! Besides, I'm a young monster. I need all the training I can get.

WILL

Anyway, you can't just pee all over our room!

ANGUIRUS

Well, if you really want this territory all for yourselves, I guess I can find another spot. It's a little crowded in here anyway.

WESLEY

Like, no duh you're gonna find another spot! I'm gonna make sure you find another spot! Like, outside the airlock! 

WILL

You shouldn't say things like that, Wesley. Don't be so mean to him. I mean, he's just doing what his instincts tell him to do. And besides, Dr. Crusher... I mean, Mom... says that he's just a baby.

WESLEY

Well, if you like him so much, you can go with him and sleep in his piss somewhere else! Aw, man . . . my room!

WILL

We'll talk to Mom about it. I bet she'll know a place where he can stay.

WESLEY

Yeah, sure. The way Mom's been acting, she'll probably kick us out and make us sleep on the floor in the corridors so the lizard can have more room to hunt! 

MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 

NARRATOR

Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will be back after this message.

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FLUFFY

Yowl! Hiss!

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FLUFFY

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FLUFFY

Meow!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 

NARRATOR

And now, back to our program. We find the Captain in his ready room.

SFX: DOOR BUZZER
 

PICARD

Yes, come.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 

PICARD

What the --?! Puffie!

PUFFIE

Hi, Cap'n! Will you pwetty pwease help me with something?

PICARD

Puffie, I have no time for frivolity. Leave at once. I am quite busy.

PUFFIE

But, Cap'n . . . 

PICARD

You heard me! That's an order! 

PUFFIE

Okay! Bye-bye, Cap'n. I'll come back when you're having a better day.

SFX: DOOR OPENING SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 

PICARD

(MUTTERING) Damned bothersome android . . . 

NARRATOR

Meanwhile, Will and Wesley discuss Anguirus with Dr. Crusher in their quarters.

WESLEY

Mom, he totally, like, trashed my room! 

DR. CRUSHER

(SIGHING HAPPILY) Oh, Wes, monsters will be monsters. Well, I'll have a talk with him. I didn't know monsters had to be housebroken.

WESLEY

You're not gonna make us keep sharing our quarters with him, are you?

DR. CRUSHER

I know young boys need their privacy. I'll talk to the Captain and see if we can find another place for him to sleep. But Wesley, you have to understand that he's still just a baby. He needs your guidance and attention and love. He needs someone to look up to.

WESLEY

Mom, he's not my son! I'm not the one who adopted him! 

DR. CRUSHER

Oh, Wes, he needs a strong male figure to look up to. And besides, you know how busy I am in sickbay and how tired I get now that I'm expecting your sister. 

WESLEY

What about Dr. Smith?

DR. CRUSHER

Well, of course Zachary is a good father, but he doesn't have the energy to keep up with and entertain a young monster like Anguirus. Anguirus needs big brothers to romp with! 

WILL

Don't worry, Wesley, I'll help you watch him.

WESLEY

Great.

DR. CRUSHER

Perhaps we can adapt part of the hydroponics deck into a room for him. I'll talk to the Captain.

NARRATOR

Several months later, we find the Enterprise drawing nearer to her destination. Data and Picard are in Picard's quarters.

PICARD

Oh, Data, it's so good to have a chance to spend some time with you. I've been getting so tense. Puffie has been pestering me non-stop for the past several months. He keeps trying to talk to me about some nonsense. And meanwhile, I'm starting to feel the Borg's presence more than ever . . .

DATA

Yes, Captain.

PICARD

And Dr. Crusher has not been doing much to discipline that monster of hers. No matter how many times we talk to him about it, he still threatens to eat anybody who goes into the hydroponics deck. The whole place smells like lizard urine. Oh, Data . . . I need your arms around me, darling. Caress me.

DATA

Yes, sir. 

PICARD

Oh, Data! 

DATA

By the way, Captain, I know why Puffie wishes to speak to you.

PICARD

Data! Right now I am trying to relax with you and get away from some of the tension of this damned mission, and you start talking about Puffie!

DATA

I sense irritation in your voice, sir, but I believe you will be pleased if I tell you Puffie's wishes.

PICARD

Data . . . oh, all right, tell me, but then let's get on with what we were doing.

DATA

Puffie wants to return to our father's laboratory. He wishes to work on a major project. He says it is important.

PICARD

Wha-- you mean Puffie actually wants to leave the Enterprise?! That's-- that's incredibly good news! If that's what he wanted, why didn't he tell me?

DATA

He indicated to me that you would not permit him to tell you.

PICARD

Ah . . . yes . . . well, I must say, that is some of the best news I have heard in months. We must stop at Omicron Theta on the way back to drop him off.

DATA

The Prince of Bigassia will not be pleased at yet another delay.

PICARD

Oh, it's not that far out of our way. What will one more little delay be to him after all this time?

DATA

Perhaps you are right, Captain. I am now ready to continue with our amorous activities.

NARRATOR

Later, we find Dr. Crusher and Dr. Smith in their quarters. 

DR. SMITH

What's the matter, my dear?

DR. CRUSHER

Oh, I'm just a little nervous, that's all. Just normal maternal anxieties . . . 

DR. SMITH

I must admit that my own nerves have been a bit frayed lately. But I'm sure everything will go smoothly . . . don't worry, Beverly dear.

DR. CRUSHER

Well, I guess it's not really the labor I'm so concerned about. It's just -- well, I know the Borg have probably have been rendered harmless, but we don't know for sure -- 

DR. SMITH

(A GASP OF ALARM) We don't?

DR. CRUSHER

  -- and it makes me nervous going so near them when I'm this close to having a baby. If I were to be assimilated while I was pregnant, the Borg would be getting two people. But I'm probably just being silly. 

DR. SMITH

(NERVOUSLY) Heavens, dear -- I don't think you're being the least bit silly! Oh, the pain . . . 

DR. CRUSHER

Oh, Zachary. You know that we're only doing this because we have to. It's the only way we'll ever get rid of the Unthings and get back to Federation space . . . and Earth.

DR. SMITH

You're right, of course. But, all the same, my dear . . . 

DR. CRUSHER

Actually, I don't think I'll have to worry about getting assimilated while I'm pregnant, after all.

DR. SMITH

Why is that?

DR. CRUSHER

I'm in labor. 

MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 

NARRATOR

Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration!

Return to the Star Tricked Menu.

Published 1/29/01.
 

Episode 1

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