Star Tricked - The Next Perpetration

Episode 1: Puffie Joins the Enterprise
by Brenna and Megaera Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is the first of a series of radio script parodies of Star Trek. Star Tricked takes place in a universe parallel to ours, so you may notice some minor (or even not so minor) discrepancies between Star Trek and Star Tricked. For example, Star Tricked includes characters from both the Original Series and the Next Generation. Don't let this worry you; just sit back and enjoy. In this episode, we meet Data's newest brother... 
Data shorting out
(Photo from Spot's Ode to Data Web Site)

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before...
DATA But Captain, what about women?
PICARD Oh, yes, thank you, Data... to boldly go where no man or woman has gone before...
DATA Or hermaphrodite, sir!
PICARD Yes, er... where no man or woman or hermaphrodite...
DATA Or android!
PICARD Data!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked - The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now a word from our sponsor.
MUSIC: FEMALE GASPER SINGERS IN BACKGROUND
 
BORG QUEEN My wires are very important to me. I never want to look less than my best. That's why I have assimilated Redox Proton Pro-V into my life. Damage these wires? Don't even think about it! Use new Proton Pro-V for Borg. Resistance is futile!
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's Log: We have received a message from Data's father, Doctor Soong, saying that we are needed on Omicron Theta immediately! I fear that Lore may be making a comeback. We are currently en route to Omicron Theta.
NARRATOR Captain Picard repairs to the bridge to consult Data on the possible implications of the summons. Also on the bridge are Commander Riker, Lt. Commander LaForge, Ensign Crusher, and Uhura.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD Data, did your father give you any indication of the nature of his emergency?
DATA No, sir.
UHURA Captain! There is an incoming message from Omicron Theta.
PICARD On screen!
DR. SOONG Why the hell aren't you people here yet? It's not as if you had to cross the entire galaxy!
PICARD I assure you, Dr. Soong, that we are traveling as fast as our capabilities permit. Please elucidate the nature of your emergency.
DR. SOONG If you want to know, get yourselves over here!
UHURA Communication has been cut off, sir.
GEORDI Phew, something stinks.
DATA Yes, Geordi. The Captain has flatulated.
PICARD What!?! I have not!
DATA The gaseous emissions that I am detecting bear your distinct chemical signature, Captain.
PICARD Nonsense! I never flatulate on the bridge.
DATA Everyone does, sir. This is your 14th emission of the day.
RIKER (SNORTS) What have you been eating, sir?
DATA The content of his flatulence indicates that he has consumed the same foodstuffs as yourself, sir. You have produced 24 emissions so far today. Geordi has flatulated 12 times today, Uhura has done so 17 times, and...
PICARD That's enough, Data! We don't want to hear about it.
DATA But sir, I was merely providing information that was requested.
PICARD We didn't ask to hear how many times the entire crew farted today!
WESLEY Like, hello! We're, like, supposed to be going into orbit around Omicron Theta, you know, and, like, it's right here?
 MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will return after these words from our sponsor.
WORF What should I do? I need currency for my trip to 20th Century Earth!
OLD MAN Bank of Hawaii, Worf! When my wife needed her faceliff, it was so expensive we thought we could never afford it. But I trip over her jowl one time too many! So I went to Bank of Hawaii, and we got a loan so she could get her faceliff! And then there was the time I needed bail for my dad...
WORF Okay, okay, all I needed was currency, not a history of the Universe.
OLD MAN ...and my boy needed money for his share of that drug shipment... Bank of Hawaii has come through for us for three generations!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME
 
NARRATOR Admiral James T. Kirk has decided that he, rather than Captain Picard, will lead the expedition to Omicron Theta. Accompanying him are Dr. "Bones" McCoy, Geordi LaForge, and Data Soong. Android Data is seeing his creator, Dr. Noonian Soong, for the first time in many years.
DR. SOONG It's about time you people got here! Why, when I was a boy, Starfleet provided a decent service to the galactic community. If you called, they came! Pronto!
KIRK I can assure you, the Enterprise is one of the fastest ships in Starfleet. Now, what seems to be the problem, Doctor?
DR. SOONG Data! Just look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself!
DATA Why, Father?
DR. SOONG How should I know? I'm sure you've done something to be ashamed of!
BONES Damn it, man! Are you going to tell us why you called us here or not?
GEORDI Yes, Dr. Soong, we'd really appreciate it if you'd tell us what you need us for. Has Lore been causing trouble again?
DR. SOONG Just keep your shirts on! I'm going to tell you all in good time. Young people just have no patience these days. None at all. All you want is instant gratification, and if you don't get what you want right away, you pitch a fit. Why, when I was a boy, we...
KIRK Yes, yes. Now if you don't mind, I believe we have some business to take care of?
NARRATOR Dr. Soong leads the Enterprise crew into his laboratory.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI Why... is that another android on that table?!
DR. SOONG Yes, it is.
BONES Another one? Damn, I hate machines...
KIRK He doesn't seem to be activated.
DR. SOONG No, he isn't. I wanted to wait on that.
GEORDI What do you want us to do with him?
DR. SOONG Well... you see, it's part of an experiment. I want you to take him to the Enterprise and put him in Data's care. I want to see the effects of one android being raised by another.
GEORDI That might be interesting... What do you think, Data?
DATA The idea is intriguing. Very well, I shall accept the responsibility.
GEORDI All right. Activate him and we'll take him with us.
DR. SOONG Um... it would be better if you activated him yourselves on your ship.
KIRK And why is that?
DR. SOONG Well, you see, I want him to imprint on Data, not on me.
GEORDI Imprint?
DR. SOONG Don't they teach you kids anything? It's like when a baby bird hatches, and it thinks the first thing it sees is its mother.
GEORDI Androids are like birds?
DR. SOONG You ought to know, you're an engineer! Now, take him and get out of here!
GEORDI Um... okay. Data, go get your brother.
KIRK Enterprise, five to beam up.
SFX: TRANSPORTER
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC BACKGROUND
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message from our sponsor.
SFX: SPACESHIP LANDING
 
CHEESY AD GUY Here you are with Dr. Cochrane, waiting for the Vulcans to land on Earth for the first time. Humanity is about to be united in a way never thought possible... and you get a toothache.
SFX: PHASERS BEING FIRED
 
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MUSIC: OOBIE DOOBIE MUSIC
 
VULCAN Live long and prosper!
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Data, Geordi, Bones and Kirk return to the Enterprise, bearing Data's yet to be activated younger brother.
PICARD Well, what did you find out? And who is this?
GEORDI Dr. Soong asked us to take this new android with us and let Data take care of him. He said it was an experiment.
PICARD He is not activated.
GEORDI He told us to do it here, sir.
PICARD He looks like Data... only softer, somehow. What's his name?
GEORDI I don't know.
KIRK Well? Aren't you going to activate him?
GEORDI Er, I think Dr. Soong wanted Data to do it.
DATA But if I do that, he will not see me right away. You are aware of the location of the switch, are you not, Geordi?
GEORDI Yes, and I'm not about to stick my finger up there. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that's what this Minnie Mouse pencil is for that Dr. Soong gave me.
PICARD Minnie Mouse pencil???
GEORDI Yeah, he gave it to me right before we left.
DEANNA Well, where are we going to do this?
PICARD In sickbay, I presume. Let's go.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. CRUSHER What's all this about?
PICARD Dr. Soong has given us this new android, which we're supposed to activate.
KIRK Well, what are we waiting for?
PICARD Mr. LaForge?
GEORDI But, Captain...
PICARD Make it so.
GEORDI Yes, sir. Get ready, Data. Here goes.
SFX: MACINTOSH STARTUP CHIME
 
PUFFIE (WARMLY) Welcome to Macintosh!
DATA Greetings. What is your name?
PUFFIE Puffie. What's yours? Oh, you must be my big brother. I can already tell that you're a really special person. Gosh, I'm glad to be here with all you wonderful people! I feel like part of one big happy family!
RIKER Is it just me, or is there something odd about this guy?
PICARD I don't like the sound of this.
PUFFIE Oooh, I have a message recorded in my neural net. Let me play it for you.
LORE'S VOICE (EVIL LAUGHTER) Hello, Daddy! I thought you might be getting lonely in your old age, so I have adjusted the programming of my brother here to make him a more fitting companion for you. By the way, I have named him Puffie. And don't worry. He won't harm you -- physically. (EVIL LAUGHTER)
PICARD That's Lore's voice!
DATA (URGENTLY) Puffie, what have you been programmed to do? What is your prime directive?
PUFFIE I have been programmed to be cute and to endeavor to become cuter.
PICARD That sounds quite odd -- but not dangerous. 
DR. CRUSHER Obviously, Lore intended this for Dr. Soong. Maybe his original, more benevolent programming is reasserting itself.
GEORDI (GLOOMILY) Don't bet on it.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message.
BORG Our implants were getting so irritating that we couldn't assimilate properly. The itching and burning drove us clear out of our hive mind! That's when we tried Gold-Bun Medicated Powder for Borg. It worked like a charm! Now we can assimilate again.
CHEESY AD GUY Gold-Bun Medicated Powder. Use only as directed.
BORG Resistance is futile!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR The crew of the Enterprise is having a quiet breakfast in the officer's mess when Puffie enters.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PUFFIE Good morning, everybody! Isn't it a beautiful morning!
GEORDI I dunno. I haven't finished my coffee yet.
PUFFIE If we were orbiting a sun, it would be shining! If we were on a planet, the sky would be full of beautiful rainbows. Isn't it great to be alive on such a beautiful morning? I have a little song I'd like to share with you. (SINGING) Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way!
PICARD Puffie! Stop that noise. We don't want to hear that while we're eating breakfast.
DEANNA That's right, Puffie. This breakfast is too sweet already.
PUFFIE Aw, we're all sort of grumpy this morning, aren't we? Well, that's okay. I understand that organic people need a good breakfast to give them vim and pep for the day. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day for organic people. We androids don't have to eat, of course. That's what makes us special. Organic people do need to eat, and that's what makes you special, too. We're all special, just in different ways. You know, it's funny how we're all different and still all the same.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Puffie, what are you doing here?
PICARD Data, get your brother out of here!
DEANNA Data, is your brother all right?
DATA I am not certain, Counselor. However, Puffie's presence has caused a disturbance in my neural net. I believe I am experiencing an emotion.
GEORDI You haven't installed your emotion chip, have you, Data?
DATA No, Geordi. Nevertheless, Puffie has activated neural pathways that evoke a sensation that I find myself unable to name or describe. The result is that I do not want to share my quarters with my brother.
PICARD Unfortunately, we have no other place to put him at the moment.
DATA He spent the entire night watching Disney movies from the ship's library, sir. He also insisted on singing and talking to me all night. I was unable to activate my screen saver for any length of time.
PUFFIE Captain, may I get a Starfleet uniform just like my big brother Data? I want to be just like Data.
PICARD No, Puffie. Data is a Starfleet officer. You are not a member of Starfleet, and you are not entitled to a uniform.
PUFFIE Aw. Well, can I make my own uniform that's sort of like Data's, only it's pink and blue and yellow with little Enterprises all over it, and with little hearts on the collar instead of those dots? And instead of that communicator thing, I could have a li'l old smiley face? That would be cute.
PICARD Data, you and Geordi escort Puffie to sickbay. We'll see if you and Dr. Crusher can repair the damage that Lore did to this android's emotion chip.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. We will be back after this message.
DATA Greetings. I am Data Soong. I am here to tell you about new Redox Brand Oil of Okra for androids. 
SFX: RUSTY HINGE CREAKING
 
DATA Sometimes my skin becomes so desiccated that I feel like the Tin Woodman. Reaction with ozone and other oxidizing agents leaves me with a tarnished, even rusty, exterior. Imagine the embarrassment this could cause an android with an active emotion chip.
CHILD'S VOICE Mommy, look at that man! He's all rusty!
DATA New Oil of Okra for androids moisturizes android skin while it cleanses and removes tarnish. Powerful reductants in Oil of Okra's soothing secret formula neutralize those annoying oxidizing agents that can damage delicate android skin. 
SFX: BABBLING BROOK
 
DATA Oil of Okra for androids. Another innovative product from Redox!
SINGERS Making things better-- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. We find Data, Geordi LaForge, Captain Picard, Admiral Kirk, Deanna Troi, and Puffie consulting with Dr. Crusher, Scottie, and Dr. McCoy in sickbay.
PUFFIE It's really sweet of all of you to be so concerned about me, but there's nothing wrong with me, really. I feel fine.
GEORDI The sanity and emotional stability of this android have been seriously compromised by Lore's interference.
PICARD The sanity and emotional stability of the crew have been seriously compromised by Lore's interference!
KIRK I suspect, that was Lore's evil intention. 
DR. CRUSHER Now, Puffie, we are going to remove the top of your head so that we can examine your emotion chip. Don't be alarmed. We will not harm you.
PUFFIE Okay.
SFX: CLICK!
 
DR. CRUSHER Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't believe this android has an emotion chip!
GEORDI I don't see one, either.
SCOTTIE These new-fangled machines don't make a wee bit of sense to me, sir.
BONES Damn it, I hate machines, old-fangled or new-fangled. I don't know why you wanted me here, anyway. I'm a doctor, not a cyberneticist.
GEORDI What do you think, Data?
DATA Please do not ask me to look at the inside of Puffie's head, Geordi. The sight of internal organs makes me sick.
DR. CRUSHER I believe that Puffie's cuteness is hardwired into him. I don't think we can correct this problem without seriously compromising the integrity of his neural net! 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR And now, a word from our sponsor.
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 MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR The Enterprise receives a distress call from planet Torgo IX, stating that some Romulans in the area have been behaving in a suspicious manner. The Enterprise and her crew warp to the scene.
PICARD I thought that the Romulans had finally decided to cooperate with the Federation, but I see now that they have only been waiting for the right opportunity to make trouble.
GEORDI We're going into orbit around Torgo IX, sir.
RIKER There's a Romulan ship decloaking off the starboard bow, sir.
GEORDI Should we raise shields and arm weapons?
PICARD Not yet. They might see that as an attempt to initiate a battle. Uhura, send a message saying that we have peaceful intentions.
UHURA Yes, sir. Wait, we are being hailed.
PICARD On screen.
DATA What are those two pink, rounded objects?
PICARD Why... the Romulan captain is showing us his butt!
RIKER I don't know, but I think this may be a sign that we had better get our shields up.
PICARD Very well, Number One. Uhura, please tell the Romulans that our intentions are peaceful...
SFX: TORPEDO
SFX: EXPLOSION
 
GEORDI Um, I think it's a bit late for that.
PICARD Arm weapons, evasive maneuvers. Target their main deflector dish. Data, fire at will.
SFX: PHASER BLAST
 
RIKER Aaaaaagh!
SFX: CLUNK
 
PICARD Oh, no, not again. Beverly, please treat Riker for phaser burn. Now, Data, fire on the Romulans!
DATA Yes, sir.
SFX: WEAPONRY FIRING
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 
PUFFIE Hello, everybody! It's me! You want to hear a little song?
PICARD No. Leave the bridge.
PUFFIE (SINGING) Let's all sing like the birdies sing, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet; let's all sing like the birdies sing, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet... (SPEAKING) Come on, everybody, let's sing together! (SINGING) Let's all warble...
PICARD Puffie, stop it! Can't you see we're in the middle of a battle with the Romulans?!
PUFFIE You mean you're fighting? Oh, no!
PICARD Yes, we're fighting. Now remove yourself from the bridge!
PUFFIE Oh, you shouldn't fight them! You know, they're probably really nice people. You should just talk to them and settle your differences peacefully!
PICARD Yes, Puffie, whatever you say. Just get off the bridge.
PUFFIE I just want to finish sharing my song with you first, 'cause I think it's a really special song.
PICARD Data, get your brother off the bridge!
DATA Yes, sir. Come along, Puffie.
PUFFIE Okay.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
 
PUFFIE Hey, Data, you want to hear a song?
DATA No.
PUFFIE All right! Here it is: (SINGING) There's a sunny side to everything... (FADE)
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI Good riddance!
SFX: TORPEDO BLAST
 
NARRATOR The Enterprise wins her battle against the Romulans, and Starfleet has begun to monitor the Romulan border. Meanwhile, in Data's and Puffie's quarters...
PUFFIE Hey, Data?
DATA Yes, Puffie?
PUFFIE (IN A DISGUSTING LITTLE KID VOICE) I jutht thinked of a way to be even more cuter! I'll talk like thith!
DATA I do not believe that this change will be well received.
PUFFIE Aw, I think it'th cute. Oooh, there'th li'l ol' Thpot! What a cute li'l ki' cat! 
SPOT Meow.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
 
DATA Enter.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI Hi, Data. I've been meaning to talk to you about that problem with the environmental controls on deck three, and... Hey, is it just me, or does Puffie look worse than he did the last time I saw him?
DATA Yes, Geordi. During the last few hours, Puffie has been gradually altering his appearance. He is endeavoring to resemble a picture of a child he saw on a Hallmark card.
GEORDI Oh, no!
PUFFIE Doethn't it wook cute?
GEORDI Yeah, it looks cute, all right.
PUFFIE Ya know wha'? I feel thoooooo special today, I think I wanna sing a widdle song about how special evewything ith! (SINGING TUNELESSLY) I feel tho special... an' big bwudder Data ith tho special... an' Thpot ith such a nithe ki' cat... an'...
DATA Please stop...
PUFFIE Okay. Ya know wha'? I'm gonna call mythelf Li'l Puffie fwom now on, 'cauthe... 'cauthe it'th tho cute!
DATA Please...
PUFFIE I think Thpot would wook weawy cute if I put a li'l pink bow on hith neck. Don't you think tho, Data?
DATA Ack! (GAGGING, ELECTRONIC CRACKLE)
SFX: THUD
 
GEORDI Data, are you all right?
SFX: COMMUNICATOR
 
GEORDI Geordi to bridge... Puffie has overloaded Data's system!
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Geordi, you must deactivate Puffie immediately!
GEORDI Yes, sir. Puffie, hand me that pencil.
PUFFIE Wha' for, Geordi?
GEORDI Never mind. Just hand it to me and bend over.
PUFFIE Okay. Here. (PAUSE) Hey!
GEORDI Oh, no! It didn't work!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC BACKGROUND
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time to hear another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, brought to you by Redox brand products.
Cute li'l ol' Puffie Drawing of Puffie in an advanced stage of cuteness by Megaera Lorenz

Return to the Star Tricked Menu.
Proceed to Episode 2.
 
Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8
Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15  Episode 16
Episode 17

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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