| PICARD |
Data, did your father give you any indication of the nature of his
emergency? |
| DATA |
No, sir. |
| UHURA |
Captain! There is an incoming message from Omicron Theta. |
| PICARD |
On screen! |
| DR. SOONG |
Why the hell aren't you people here yet? It's not as if you had to
cross the entire galaxy! |
| PICARD |
I assure you, Dr. Soong, that we are traveling as fast as our capabilities
permit. Please elucidate the nature of your emergency. |
| DR. SOONG |
If you want to know, get yourselves over here! |
| UHURA |
Communication has been cut off, sir. |
| GEORDI |
Phew, something stinks. |
| DATA |
Yes, Geordi. The Captain has flatulated. |
| PICARD |
What!?! I have not! |
| DATA |
The gaseous emissions that I am detecting bear your distinct chemical
signature, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Nonsense! I never flatulate on the bridge. |
| DATA |
Everyone does, sir. This is your 14th emission of the day. |
| RIKER |
(SNORTS) What have you been eating, sir? |
| DATA |
The content of his flatulence indicates that he has consumed the same
foodstuffs as yourself, sir. You have produced 24 emissions so far today.
Geordi has flatulated 12 times today, Uhura has done so 17 times, and... |
| PICARD |
That's enough, Data! We don't want to hear about it. |
| DATA |
But sir, I was merely providing information that was requested. |
| PICARD |
We didn't ask to hear how many times the entire crew farted today! |
| WESLEY |
Like, hello! We're, like, supposed to be going into orbit around Omicron
Theta, you know, and, like, it's right here? |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, will return after these words
from our sponsor. |
| WORF |
What should I do? I need currency for my trip to 20th Century Earth! |
| OLD MAN |
Bank of Hawaii, Worf! When my wife needed her faceliff, it was so expensive
we thought we could never afford it. But I trip over her jowl one time
too many! So I went to Bank of Hawaii, and we got a loan so she could get
her faceliff! And then there was the time I needed bail for my dad... |
| WORF |
Okay, okay, all I needed was currency, not a history of the Universe. |
| OLD MAN |
...and my boy needed money for his share of that drug shipment... Bank
of Hawaii has come through for us for three generations! |
| NARRATOR |
Admiral James T. Kirk has decided that he, rather than Captain Picard,
will lead the expedition to Omicron Theta. Accompanying him are Dr. "Bones"
McCoy, Geordi LaForge, and Data Soong. Android Data is seeing his creator,
Dr. Noonian Soong, for the first time in many years. |
| DR. SOONG |
It's about time you people got here! Why, when I was a boy, Starfleet
provided a decent service to the galactic community. If you called, they
came! Pronto! |
| KIRK |
I can assure you, the Enterprise is one of the fastest ships in Starfleet.
Now, what seems to be the problem, Doctor? |
| DR. SOONG |
Data! Just look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself! |
| DATA |
Why, Father? |
| DR. SOONG |
How should I know? I'm sure you've done something to be ashamed
of! |
| BONES |
Damn it, man! Are you going to tell us why you called us here or not? |
| GEORDI |
Yes, Dr. Soong, we'd really appreciate it if you'd tell us what you
need us for. Has Lore been causing trouble again? |
| DR. SOONG |
Just keep your shirts on! I'm going to tell you all in good time. Young
people just have no patience these days. None at all. All you want is instant
gratification, and if you don't get what you want right away, you pitch
a fit. Why, when I was a boy, we... |
| KIRK |
Yes, yes. Now if you don't mind, I believe we have some business to
take care of? |
| NARRATOR |
Dr. Soong leads the Enterprise crew into his laboratory. |
| GEORDI |
Why... is that another android on that table?! |
| DR. SOONG |
Yes, it is. |
| BONES |
Another one? Damn, I hate machines... |
| KIRK |
He doesn't seem to be activated. |
| DR. SOONG |
No, he isn't. I wanted to wait on that. |
| GEORDI |
What do you want us to do with him? |
| DR. SOONG |
Well... you see, it's part of an experiment. I want you to take him
to the Enterprise and put him in Data's care. I want to see the effects
of one android being raised by another. |
| GEORDI |
That might be interesting... What do you think, Data? |
| DATA |
The idea is intriguing. Very well, I shall accept the responsibility. |
| GEORDI |
All right. Activate him and we'll take him with us. |
| DR. SOONG |
Um... it would be better if you activated him yourselves on your ship. |
| KIRK |
And why is that? |
| DR. SOONG |
Well, you see, I want him to imprint on Data, not on me. |
| GEORDI |
Imprint? |
| DR. SOONG |
Don't they teach you kids anything? It's like when a baby bird hatches,
and it thinks the first thing it sees is its mother. |
| GEORDI |
Androids are like birds? |
| DR. SOONG |
You ought to know, you're an engineer! Now, take him and get out of
here! |
| GEORDI |
Um... okay. Data, go get your brother. |
| KIRK |
Enterprise, five to beam up. |
| NARRATOR |
Data, Geordi, Bones and Kirk return to the Enterprise, bearing Data's
yet to be activated younger brother. |
| PICARD |
Well, what did you find out? And who is this? |
| GEORDI |
Dr. Soong asked us to take this new android with us and let Data take
care of him. He said it was an experiment. |
| PICARD |
He is not activated. |
| GEORDI |
He told us to do it here, sir. |
| PICARD |
He looks like Data... only softer, somehow. What's his name? |
| GEORDI |
I don't know. |
| KIRK |
Well? Aren't you going to activate him? |
| GEORDI |
Er, I think Dr. Soong wanted Data to do it. |
| DATA |
But if I do that, he will not see me right away. You are aware of the
location of the switch, are you not, Geordi? |
| GEORDI |
Yes, and I'm not about to stick my finger up there. Hey, wait a minute.
Maybe that's what this Minnie Mouse pencil is for that Dr. Soong gave me. |
| PICARD |
Minnie Mouse pencil??? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, he gave it to me right before we left. |
| DEANNA |
Well, where are we going to do this? |
| PICARD |
In sickbay, I presume. Let's go. |
| PUFFIE |
(WARMLY) Welcome to Macintosh! |
| DATA |
Greetings. What is your name? |
| PUFFIE |
Puffie. What's yours? Oh, you must be my big brother. I can already
tell that you're a really special person. Gosh, I'm glad to be here with
all you wonderful people! I feel like part of one big happy family! |
| RIKER |
Is it just me, or is there something odd about this guy? |
| PICARD |
I don't like the sound of this. |
| PUFFIE |
Oooh, I have a message recorded in my neural net. Let me play it for
you. |
| LORE'S VOICE |
(EVIL LAUGHTER) Hello, Daddy! I thought you might be getting lonely
in your old age, so I have adjusted the programming of my brother here
to make him a more fitting companion for you. By the way, I have named
him Puffie. And don't worry. He won't harm you -- physically. (EVIL LAUGHTER) |
| PICARD |
That's Lore's voice! |
| DATA |
(URGENTLY) Puffie, what have you been programmed to do? What is your
prime directive? |
| PUFFIE |
I have been programmed to be cute and to endeavor to become cuter. |
| PICARD |
That sounds quite odd -- but not dangerous. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Obviously, Lore intended this for Dr. Soong. Maybe his original, more
benevolent programming is reasserting itself. |
| GEORDI |
(GLOOMILY) Don't bet on it. |
| PUFFIE |
Good morning, everybody! Isn't it a beautiful morning! |
| GEORDI |
I dunno. I haven't finished my coffee yet. |
| PUFFIE |
If we were orbiting a sun, it would be shining! If we were on a planet,
the sky would be full of beautiful rainbows. Isn't it great to be alive
on such a beautiful morning? I have a little song I'd like to share with
you. (SINGING) Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day!
I've got a wonderful feeling, everything's going my way! |
| PICARD |
Puffie! Stop that noise. We don't want to hear that while we're eating
breakfast. |
| DEANNA |
That's right, Puffie. This breakfast is too sweet already. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, we're all sort of grumpy this morning, aren't we? Well, that's
okay. I understand that organic people need a good breakfast to give them
vim and pep for the day. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day
for organic people. We androids don't have to eat, of course. That's what
makes us special. Organic people do need to eat, and that's what makes
you special, too. We're all special, just in different ways. You know,
it's funny how we're all different and still all the same. |
| DATA |
Puffie, what are you doing here? |
| PICARD |
Data, get your brother out of here! |
| DEANNA |
Data, is your brother all right? |
| DATA |
I am not certain, Counselor. However, Puffie's presence has caused
a disturbance in my neural net. I believe I am experiencing an emotion. |
| GEORDI |
You haven't installed your emotion chip, have you, Data? |
| DATA |
No, Geordi. Nevertheless, Puffie has activated neural pathways that
evoke a sensation that I find myself unable to name or describe. The result
is that I do not want to share my quarters with my brother. |
| PICARD |
Unfortunately, we have no other place to put him at the moment. |
| DATA |
He spent the entire night watching Disney movies from the ship's library,
sir. He also insisted on singing and talking to me all night. I was unable
to activate my screen saver for any length of time. |
| PUFFIE |
Captain, may I get a Starfleet uniform just like my big brother Data?
I want to be just like Data. |
| PICARD |
No, Puffie. Data is a Starfleet officer. You are not a member of Starfleet,
and you are not entitled to a uniform. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw. Well, can I make my own uniform that's sort of like
Data's, only it's pink and blue and yellow with little Enterprises all
over it, and with little hearts on the collar instead of those dots? And
instead of that communicator thing, I could have a li'l old smiley face?
That would be cute. |
| PICARD |
Data, you and Geordi escort Puffie to sickbay. We'll see if you and
Dr. Crusher can repair the damage that Lore did to this android's emotion
chip. |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. We find Data, Geordi LaForge, Captain
Picard, Admiral Kirk, Deanna Troi, and Puffie consulting with Dr. Crusher,
Scottie, and Dr. McCoy in sickbay. |
| PUFFIE |
It's really sweet of all of you to be so concerned about me, but there's
nothing wrong with me, really. I feel fine. |
| GEORDI |
The sanity and emotional stability of this android have been seriously
compromised by Lore's interference. |
| PICARD |
The sanity and emotional stability of the crew have been seriously
compromised by Lore's interference! |
| KIRK |
I suspect, that was Lore's evil intention. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Now, Puffie, we are going to remove the top of your head so that we
can examine your emotion chip. Don't be alarmed. We will not harm you. |
| PUFFIE |
Okay. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't believe this android has an
emotion chip! |
| GEORDI |
I don't see one, either. |
| SCOTTIE |
These new-fangled machines don't make a wee bit of sense to me, sir. |
| BONES |
Damn it, I hate machines, old-fangled or new-fangled. I don't know
why you wanted me here, anyway. I'm a doctor, not a cyberneticist. |
| GEORDI |
What do you think, Data? |
| DATA |
Please do not ask me to look at the inside of Puffie's head, Geordi.
The sight of internal organs makes me sick. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I believe that Puffie's cuteness is hardwired into him. I don't think
we can correct this problem without seriously compromising the integrity
of his neural net! |
| NARRATOR |
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| NARRATOR |
The Enterprise receives a distress call from planet Torgo IX, stating
that some Romulans in the area have been behaving in a suspicious manner.
The Enterprise and her crew warp to the scene. |
| PICARD |
I thought that the Romulans had finally decided to cooperate with the
Federation, but I see now that they have only been waiting for the right
opportunity to make trouble. |
| GEORDI |
We're going into orbit around Torgo IX, sir. |
| RIKER |
There's a Romulan ship decloaking off the starboard bow, sir. |
| GEORDI |
Should we raise shields and arm weapons? |
| PICARD |
Not yet. They might see that as an attempt to initiate a battle. Uhura,
send a message saying that we have peaceful intentions. |
| UHURA |
Yes, sir. Wait, we are being hailed. |
| PICARD |
On screen. |
| DATA |
What are those two pink, rounded objects? |
| PICARD |
Why... the Romulan captain is showing us his butt! |
| RIKER |
I don't know, but I think this may be a sign that we had better get
our shields up. |
| PICARD |
Very well, Number One. Uhura, please tell the Romulans that our intentions
are peaceful... |
| PUFFIE |
Hello, everybody! It's me! You want to hear a little song? |
| PICARD |
No. Leave the bridge. |
| PUFFIE |
(SINGING) Let's all sing like the birdies sing, tweet, tweet, tweet,
tweet, tweet; let's all sing like the birdies sing, sweet, sweet, sweet,
sweet, sweet... (SPEAKING) Come on, everybody, let's sing together! (SINGING)
Let's all warble... |
| PICARD |
Puffie, stop it! Can't you see we're in the middle of a battle with
the Romulans?! |
| PUFFIE |
You mean you're fighting? Oh, no! |
| PICARD |
Yes, we're fighting. Now remove yourself from the bridge! |
| PUFFIE |
Oh, you shouldn't fight them! You know, they're probably really nice
people. You should just talk to them and settle your differences peacefully! |
| PICARD |
Yes, Puffie, whatever you say. Just get off the bridge. |
| PUFFIE |
I just want to finish sharing my song with you first, 'cause I think
it's a really special song. |
| PICARD |
Data, get your brother off the bridge! |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. Come along, Puffie. |
| PUFFIE |
Okay. |
| GEORDI |
Hi, Data. I've been meaning to talk to you about that problem with
the environmental controls on deck three, and... Hey, is it just me, or
does Puffie look worse than he did the last time I saw him? |
| DATA |
Yes, Geordi. During the last few hours, Puffie has been gradually altering
his appearance. He is endeavoring to resemble a picture of a child he saw
on a Hallmark card. |
| GEORDI |
Oh, no! |
| PUFFIE |
Doethn't it wook cute? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, it looks cute, all right. |
| PUFFIE |
Ya know wha'? I feel thoooooo special today, I think I wanna sing a
widdle song about how special evewything ith! (SINGING TUNELESSLY) I feel
tho special... an' big bwudder Data ith tho special... an' Thpot ith such
a nithe ki' cat... an'... |
| DATA |
Please stop... |
| PUFFIE |
Okay. Ya know wha'? I'm gonna call mythelf Li'l Puffie fwom
now on, 'cauthe... 'cauthe it'th tho cute! |
| DATA |
Please... |
| PUFFIE |
I think Thpot would wook weawy cute if I put a li'l pink bow on hith
neck. Don't you think tho, Data? |
| DATA |
Ack! (GAGGING, ELECTRONIC CRACKLE) |
Drawing of Puffie in an advanced stage of cuteness by Megaera Lorenz
