| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated,
bringing you the highest quality products of the twenty-fourth century.
Now a word from our sponsor. |
| DATA |
I cannot go on the next mission. The itching and burning in my disc
drive is causing a disturbance in my neural net. |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Don't worry, Data! What you need is new Redox Disc-Wizz, the all-purpose
disc drive cleanser for androids. Disc-Wizz gently cleanses and revitalizes
your disc drive and leaves you feeling refreshed and static-free! |
| DATA |
Fascinating! Does it really accomplish its objective? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Don't take my word for it -- try it and see! Redox Disc-Wizz is available
at all Federation refitting and repair outposts. Requisition some today! |
| SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| PICARD |
Captain's log: We have been unsuccessful in our attempts to deactivate
Data's new brother, Puffie. Mr. LaForge was able to temporarily deactivate
Puffie by inserting a Minnie Mouse pencil into his anal opening (although
no other object appears to work), but apparently Lore has programmed Puffie
to restart automatically. Data is malfunctioning with increasing regularity
since Puffie's arrival. |
| NARRATOR |
Data and Geordi discuss Puffie in Geordi's quarters. |
| GEORDI |
Data, you've been coming to my quarters constantly for the past few
days! Don't you have anything else to do? |
| DATA |
I do not wish to remain in my quarters. I am shorting out more and
more frequently in the presence of Puffie. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, I guess I can't really blame you. |
| DATA |
Perhaps, if I installed my emotion chip, I could better cope with Puffie. |
| GEORDI |
Believe me, Data, you're better off without the emotion chip! |
| DATA |
But Geordi, I am continually shorting out. It is most uncomfortable.
I fear that if I have to be restarted too many more times, I will suffer
permanent damage. |
| GEORDI |
Data, if you put in that chip, you'll just short out more than ever.
Stay away from it. |
| DATA |
Anything is worth a try, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Okay, go ahead, but don't say I didn't warn you. |
| DATA |
If you wish, I will consult Dr. Crusher first. |
| GEORDI |
Good idea. |
| NARRATOR |
Data returns to his quarters to feed his cat Spot before going to sickbay. |
| DATA |
Spot! I have brought you some delicious squid pretzels. I predict you
will like them. |
| SPOT |
Yowl! |
| DATA |
Greetings, Captain. How may I assist you? |
| PICARD |
Well... I... I heard that you were thinking of installing that emotion
chip. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir, I am considering it. |
| PICARD |
I... er, just wanted to let you know that I think it's an excellent
idea. |
| DATA |
That is reassuring, sir. Should I consult with Dr. Crusher? |
| PICARD |
Oh, that won't be necessary. Now, Data, be a good man and fetch me
a cup of Earl Grey, will you? |
| DATA |
(PUZZLED) Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration will return after this message. |
| SINGERS |
Sparkle fun Borg Queen Barbie! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
Wow! Look at her pretty wires! |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
And she talks, too! |
| BARBIE |
I will assimilate you. |
| LITTLE GIRLS |
(GIGGLING) |
| SINGERS |
Come on, Barbie, let's go assimilate; it'll be so much fun, I can hardly
wait! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
We want to be assimilated just like you, Borg Queen Barbie! |
| BARBIE |
Let's go assimilate the mall! |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
Oh, boy! |
| LITTLE GIRL 1 |
Let's go! |
| BARBIE |
Math is hard. |
| LITTLE GIRL 2 |
We wanna be dumb just like you, Borg Queen Barbie! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Let Borg Queen Barbie assimilate your daughter into her collective!
Resistance is futile! Accessories sold separately. |
| PUFFIE |
Oh, boy, oh, boy! Thith is tho exciting! Now Data will have feewings
jutht like me, an' he'll get to see how special feewings are! |
| GEORDI |
Okay, there we are. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Are you feeling anything, Data? |
| DATA |
Well... Puffie's presence seems to be causing some kind of emotional
response. |
| PUFFIE |
That'th 'cause you wuv me, Data! |
| DATA |
Curious. I never imagined that love would be anything like the sensation
that I am experiencing right now. |
| GEORDI |
Um... I think we'd better discuss that particular emotion a bit later.
Are you feeling anything else? |
| DATA |
Well, those Care Bears pictures on the wall are stimulating a rather
unpleasant emotion. |
| GEORDI |
Probably revulsion. |
| DATA |
Yes! That is it! I am revolted. I have an intense desire to discharge
contaminants from my person via my oral opening. |
| GEORDI |
That sounds like revulsion, all right. Only we would say that you feel
like you need to puke. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, I think the Care Bearth are cute! They teach you about caring an'...
an' sharing an'... |
| DATA |
Please remove Puffie from my quarters! He will overload my positronic
net! |
| GEORDI |
Well, I warned you, didn't I? |
| PICARD |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Mr. LaForge, report to the bridge. The Borg have
been sighted. |
| GEORDI |
Yes, sir... and shouldn't Data report to the bridge, too? |
| PICARD |
(AFTER A PAUSE) No. He needs time to get used to his emotion chip first. |
| GEORDI |
(PUZZLED) Yes, sir. |
| PICARD |
Oh, and bring Puffie with you. |
| GEORDI |
(DUMBFOUNDED) Puffie, sir? |
| PICARD |
Yes, make it so. Now hurry up before the Borg obliterate us! |
| NARRATOR |
Mr. LaForge and Puffie report to the bridge. |
| PICARD |
Good. You're here. Geordi, take the helm. Ensign Piecewise, take Puffie
to the transporter room and transport him to the coordinates I have written
down on this paper. |
| PIECEWISE |
But... sir? |
| PICARD |
Just make it so! Hurry! |
| PIECEWISE |
Um, yes, sir. Come on, Puffie, let's go. |
| PUFFIE |
Okay. |
| RIKER |
Shall we commence the attack on the Borg cube, sir? |
| PICARD |
Not yet. Let's just wait until they receive Puffie. |
| GEORDI |
Sir, I have to object. Puffie is truly awful, but even he doesn't deserve
to be assimilated. |
| PICARD |
Nonsense, Mr. LaForge. Puffie's assimilation will be a service to the
entire galactic community. It is the merciful thing to do. |
| RIKER |
With all due respect, sir, I have to agree with Geordi. That's a rotten
thing to do, even to Puffie. After all, Puffie is benevolent, no matter
how annoying he is. |
| WORF |
I think the captain's decision was perfectly justified. |
| UHURA |
We are receiving a message from the Borg vessel. |
| PICARD |
Let's hear it. |
| BORG VOICE |
Did you lose this? |
| NARRATOR |
Starfleet manages to destroy the Borg enclave discovered by the Enterprise.
The Enterprise sustains some damage to one of its engines, and Geordi and
Data are sent to investigate. |
| GEORDI |
Hey, Data, come look at this. I think we're going to need a replacement
for this manifold. What do you think? |
| DATA |
I do not wish to examine that engine's guts, Geordi. They are most
disgusting. |
| GEORDI |
Come on, Data. You're supposed to be helping out. |
| DATA |
(LAUGHING) Geordi! I have just remembered a joke that Kay Kyser told
in a movie in 1940. Would you like to hear it? |
| GEORDI |
Data... oh, fine. But then you have to look at this engine. |
| DATA |
What did the bug say to the windshield? |
| GEORDI |
I don't know. What? |
| DATA |
(GLEEFULLY) That is me all over! (LAUGHS) |
| GEORDI |
(CHUCKLING) That's pretty funny, Data. Now will you please look at
this engine? |
| DATA |
(IN MAD SCIENTIST'S VOICE) Yes, master. |
| GEORDI |
Well? What do you think? |
| DATA |
I think it is a pretty screwed up piece of junk, all right. Very revolting. |
| GEORDI |
Does it need to be replaced or not?! |
| DATA |
That depends on whether you want the engine to work or not. |
| GEORDI |
Data...! |
| DATA |
Geordi... Do you want to hear a joke? |
| GEORDI |
No! |
| DATA |
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, Geordi... |
| GEORDI |
Well, all right. Let's hear it. |
| DATA |
What did the bug say to the windshield? |
| GEORDI |
Okay... what? |
| DATA |
That is me all over! (LAUGHS WILDLY) |
| GEORDI |
But, Data! That's the same joke you just told me! |
| DATA |
That is correct, Geordi. Do you not find it funny? |
| GEORDI |
But you already told it to me! |
| DATA |
But... did you not find it funny before? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, I guess so. |
| DATA |
And did I not just tell the same joke? |
| GEORDI |
Yes, you did. |
| DATA |
Then... why do you not find it funny this time? |
| GEORDI |
You see, Data, a joke is only funny the first time you hear it. You
know, when it's a surprise and everything. |
| DATA |
But... I do not understand. |
| GEORDI |
Oh, never mind. Just help me fix this, okay? |
| DATA |
(AFTER A PAUSE) Puffie is a poopoo head! (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) |
| GEORDI |
Data... |
| DATA |
Geordi, is it not amusing to say that Puffie is a poopoo head? |
| GEORDI |
Well, it is if you're two years old. |
| DATA |
(SIGHS) I fear that even with emotions I shall never understand humor. |
| GEORDI |
If your sense of humor is programmed to evolve like the rest of your
personality, then you'll probably get the hang of it eventually. But for
now, please try to refrain from being humorous, at least while we're working,
okay, Data? |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Picard is at Ten Forward, enjoying a drink. |
| GUINAN |
So, how did things go with the Borg, Jean-Luc? |
| PICARD |
Actually, rather well, all things considered. |
| GUINAN |
Then how come you're in here getting sloshed? |
| PICARD |
What? Oh, it's just that something is bothering my conscience. |
| GUINAN |
You mean the Puffie incident? |
| PICARD |
Er... uh... yes, yes, that's right. |
| GUINAN |
Well, if I were you, I'd just be sorry he came back. |
| PICARD |
Oh... well, I... |
| NARRATOR |
Stay tuned for more Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration, after this
message. |
| GEORDI |
Hey, Will, why so glum? |
| RIKER |
Here I've just had a long day fighting Borg, I'm all tired out and
want to relax with a tall mug of frosty cold beer -- and Guinan's supply
has run out. |
| GEORDI |
Will, I have just what you need: a fresh tube of Fletcher Paste Fermentation
Concentrate! Just add ethanol and ice or cold water, and stir! You have
delicious ice-cold beer equivalent in an instant! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right, Will! You can always enjoy a hearty mug of full-flavored
beer equivalent with Fletcher Paste Fermentation Concentrate. Delicious,
convenient, inexpensive, and easy to transport! Just slip a tube into your
personal belongings and never worry about your ship running out of beer
again. Don't leave spaceport without it. |
| PUFFIE |
Hewwo, big bwudder. |
| DATA |
Greetings, Puffie. |
| PUFFIE |
Hey, Data, I just learned thith wonnerful song fwom Barney! Will you
sing it wiff me? |
| DATA |
No. |
| PUFFIE |
Pweathe? |
| DATA |
No! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, pwetty, pwetty, pwetty pweathe wiff a great big ol' cherry on top
and wotth of whipped cweam an' sugar an' stwawbewwies an' thtuff? |
| DATA |
No, Puffie, I will not! |
| PUFFIE |
Okay, it goeth wike this: (SINGING) I wuv you, you wuv me, we're a
happy famiwy... |
| DATA |
(SINGING LOUDLY) I hate you! You hate me! Let's hang Barney from a
tree! With a... |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, Data, that'th not nice! Barney is our fwiend! |
| DATA |
Puffie, I can finally express the way I feel about you! I think that
you are a... a... big poopoo head! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw. You must have had a very hard day. I unnerstand. I'll cheer you
up by playing my new Smurfs wecord! |
| DATA |
Where is that Minnie Mouse pencil? |
| PUFFIE |
Oh, I used that... I dwawed a pwetty pitcher! You wanna see my pitcher,
Data? It's a pitcher of you an' me standing in fwont of a nice li'l ol'
house wiff lots of pwetty flowers an' wainbows an' a nice unicorn an' a
big smiley sun up in a bwue sky wiff lots of li'l birdies flyin' round. |
| DATA |
But where is the pencil, Puffie? |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, I lotht it. |
| DATA |
You cannot lose things, Puffie! You are an android! You have perfect
recall! |
| PUFFIE |
I know. I sorta lotht it on purpose! (GIGGLES) |
| DATA |
You are a big fat old poopoo head! And I am going to tell Geordi and
Captain Picard and everyone we know that you are a poopoo head! And I do
not like you! Not at all! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, Data! |
| NARRATOR |
Captain Picard is standing in the corridor gazing thoughtfully after
Data and Puffie, when the counselor approaches him. |
| DEANNA |
Captain... are you all right? |
| PICARD |
What? Oh, er, um, yes, of course. |
| DEANNA |
Captain, I know something is bothering you. |
| PICARD |
Oh, no, no, Deanna, I'm fine. |
| DEANNA |
Captain. You're still upset about the incident with Puffie, aren't
you. |
| PICARD |
Well... I, uh... yes, that's the problem. |
| DEANNA |
You know, Captain, Puffie was not harmed by your action. |
| PICARD |
Yes, but... he could have been. |
| DEANNA |
That's true. But we all make mistakes. When you are in a position of
power, things like this happen. It's all right. |
| PICARD |
Yes, I know. Thank you, Deanna. |
| DEANNA |
That isn't what's really bothering you, is it, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Yes! Yes it is! |
| DEANNA |
Well, all right. If you want to talk about it any more, you're welcome
to. |
| PICARD |
Thank you, Counselor. |
| DEANNA |
(TO HERSELF) I just know there's something else bothering him... |
| NARRATOR |
Later, Captain Picard discusses the potential use of Puffie as a secret
weapon with Worf. |
| PICARD |
If we could somehow find a way to use Puffie against our enemies, just
think of how beneficial it would be! |
| WORF |
But, sir, what about the ethical issue that seemed to be worrying you
so much before? |
| PICARD |
Oh, but this would be different. It would be a way of controlling hostile
forces through non-violent means. Puffie is always encouraging this himself!
I'm sure he would be glad to participate. We just have to ask his permission
first. |
| WORF |
If I may say so, sir, Puffie was not a terribly effective weapon against
the Borg. |
| PICARD |
Well, perhaps we weren't persistent enough. |
| GEORDI |
Hello, Data. What's up? What's with the big grin? |
| DATA |
I have just sent Puffie out through the airlock. Now we shall never
have to put up with him again! |
| GEORDI |
Data! The captain's going to be really upset about this! |
| DATA |
He is? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah! Haven't you noticed how upset he's been about sending Puffie
to the Borg? |
| DATA |
I cannot say that I have. I have not spoken to the captain since the
installation of my emotion chip. |
| GEORDI |
Well, he is upset. Just imagine what he'll think when he finds out
about this! |
| DATA |
(GLEEFULLY) Well, it is too late now! |
| GEORDI |
Data, even if your brother was hard to take, that was no excuse to
kill him. |
| DATA |
Oh, he is still alive, if you wish to call it that. He is merely no
longer aboard the Enterprise. |
| GEORDI |
I still can't believe you threw your own brother out an airlock. |
| DATA |
Why is that? I find it entirely believable. What is more unbelievable
is that I did not do it sooner. |
| GEORDI |
Well, I know he was annoying and everything, but all the same...! |
| DATA |
I am still unable to comprehend your viewpoint. I fear that my understanding
of human behavior is still deficient in many respects. However, perhaps
you would feel differently if you had been sharing your quarters with Puffie
for the past several weeks. |
| GEORDI |
Maybe so. |
| DATA |
Do you think that disciplinary action will be taken against me for
my behavior? |
| GEORDI |
I don't know. That depends on what the captain thinks. |
| DATA |
Perhaps I should refrain from telling the captain. |
| GEORDI |
Come on, Data. He's sure to notice that Puffie is missing eventually. |
| DATA |
That is true. |
| NARRATOR |
Data returns to his quarters. |
| DATA |
Greetings, Captain! |
| PICARD |
(UNCOMFORTABLY) Hello, Data. |
| DATA |
Have you... come to see me about Puffie, sir? |
| PICARD |
No, Data. Actually, I have just come to... to see how you are doing...
with your new emotion chip. |
| DATA |
I am fine, Captain. In fact, right now I am experiencing a very strong
emotion... I believe as a result of your presence in this room. |
| PICARD |
Yes, Data...? Yes, what is it? |
| DATA |
Captain... I find you incredibly attractive! |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data... |
| DATA |
Captain... |
| PICARD |
Data, I have a... a confession to make. |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain? |
| PICARD |
That emotion chip that was installed in you... I tampered with it.
I programmed it so that once it was installed, you would be attracted to
bald men in positions of power. Please forgive me, Data! I know it was
wrong, but I couldn't help myself! |
| DATA |
Oh, Captain. Even without your programming, I know that I would still
find you utterly irresistible. |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data! Data, I... I love you! I have always loved you...
and, Data... will you be my honey bunny? |
| DATA |
Yes! Yes, Captain, I will always be your honey bunny. |
| PICARD |
Oh, Data... My little dumpling buns... my sweet cakes... my honey muffin...
my sugar lips... |
| DATA |
Captain... my glucose transistors... |
| PICARD |
Glucose transistors? |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain. Your terms of endearment always seem to involve a sweet
substance followed by a body part or a food item. So I will call you my
glucose transistors... my molasses electrodes... my honey battery pack... |
| PICARD |
Data... You're so sweet. Data, I know this may be a bit soon, but...
but I want to ask a favor of you. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir? |
| PICARD |
Data... may I see you... without your uniform? |
| DATA |
Certainly, sir. |
(Photo
from Spot's Ode
to Data Web Site)
Data dreaming of the demise of Puffie. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz. 