Star Tricked - The Next Perpetration
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Beverly Crusher catches a terrible disease on the planet Torgo IX, and is cured -- sort of...
Star Tricked - The Next Perpetrationby Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Beverly Crusher catches a terrible disease on the planet Torgo IX, and is cured -- sort of...
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| PICARD | Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission... um... her mission... to boldly go where... where no one has gone before. |
| DATA | But, Captain... |
| PICARD | Data... what could I possibly have done wrong this time? |
| DATA | What about colonial organisms, sir? They could not possibly be referred to as "one." |
| PICARD | Oh, fine! Where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before. |
| DATA | That is much better, sir, but I think that... |
| PICARD | I don't want to hear about it! |
| NARRATOR | Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated, and F.H.P. Now, a word from our sponsor. |
| OLD MAN | I've always known that I suffer from Xilophian Worm Leprosy. But in the past, I always just accepted it. But one day, one of my grandkids grabbed my hand, and it came off! I had to be rushed to the hospital. They told me I could have lost my penis, too! That got me thinking, and that's when I joined F.H.P. Now my life is so much better. Just ask my grandkids. I couldn't ask for better value. |
| NARRATOR | Ensign Piecewise reports to sickbay for treatment of a minor illness. |
| PIECEWISE | Doc... I think I have a sinus infection. Could you take a look at me? |
| DR. CRUSHER | (IN A SHNOOGIE-WOOGUMS VOICE) Oooooh! Is we sickie? Is we sickie? Hmmmm? Let me see... Ooh, yes, yes, yes! We is sickie! We is a sick puppy, isn't we! |
| PIECEWISE | Dr. Crusher! Are you all right? |
| DR. CRUSHER | Yes, I am! Yes! I'm the doctor. You're the one who's sickie. Yes! |
| PIECEWISE | Doc... something must be wrong... |
| DR. CRUSHER | Of course! That's why we come and see the doctor. Let me see your cutie little face... mmmmm! We have a sinus infection, yes we does! I think I have to amputate your little facie. |
| PIECEWISE | Amputate!?! |
| DR. CRUSHER | Yes, that's just what I have to do. Ah, here's my little bone saw. Now hold still! |
| PIECEWISE | Aaaaah! No! Wait, Doc, don't! Please! |
| DR. CRUSHER | Oh! Silly little old me. I forgot your anesthesia. Now where did I put that mallet...? |
| PIECEWISE | Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh! |
| DR. CRUSHER | Ooooh, it doesn't look like the ensign is sickie anymore. |
| NURSE | (TO HERSELF) What the hell...? |
| NARRATOR | Ensign Piecewise runs to the bridge, where he finds Picard, LaForge, Data, Riker, Worf, Uhura and Ambassador Spock, a guest on board the Enterprise. |
| PIECEWISE | (OUT OF BREATH, FRANTIC) Captain..., Dr. Crusher... has become a... a.... |
| PICARD | What? What's wrong? |
| PIECEWISE | She's become a... a shnoogie-woogums! |
| NARRATOR | Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message. |
| MOM 1 | My little Billy is so picky! It seems that I can never satisfy him! Whenever he asks for something to drink, I'm always at a loss for what to give him. I want him to have something healthy, but I just can't find something that he likes and is good for him, too! |
| MOM 2 | I had the same problem until I discovered Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract! It has a rich, creamy texture that kids love! |
| MOM 1 | Wow! Where can I get some? |
| MOM 2 | At your local organics outlet! It comes in a variety of delicious flavors: Sugar 'n Mustard, Dilubrian Slug Mucus, and Dill Banana are just a few! And it's easy to prepare, too! Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract is sure to delight even the pickiest children. |
| CHEESY KID SINGERS | Fletcher Paste Concentrates... Taste great!!! |
| NARRATOR | Captain Picard and the other crew members attempt to calm the frantic Ensign Piecewise. |
| PICARD | Please try to control yourself, Ensign. Now, what did you say Dr. Crusher has turned into? |
| PIECEWISE | A... a shnoogie-woogums, sir! She's gone nuts! She tried to amputate my face... I... I don't know what's going on... she's completely loony... |
| DATA | Please clarify the meaning of "shnoogie-woogums." |
| PIECEWISE | You... you'll just have to see for yourselves. |
| PICARD | I would like to see this. Commander Riker, Mr. Data, come with me. Ambassador Spock, if you wish to accompany us, you are welcome. |
| SPOCK | I do not believe I shall. A shnoogie-woogums does not sound like a logical being. |
| PICARD | Very well. Mr. LaForge, take the helm. Let's go. |
| NARRATOR | Captain Picard, Mr. Riker and Mr. Data report to sickbay. |
| DR. CRUSHER | Ooooh, how nice to see Captain Picard! Is we sickie, Jean-Luc? |
| PICARD | No, but I think you may be. |
| NURSE | Can you help, sir? It came on pretty suddenly. I hadn't noticed her acting strangely until the ensign came in. |
| PICARD | I think that I shall have to have Bones take a look at her. Would you please summon him, Nurse? |
| NURSE | (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yes, sir. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Dr. McCoy, would you please come to sickbay? Dr. Crusher is ill. |
| BONES | (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a doc-- oh. Yes, but just give me a moment. |
| NURSE | Thank you, Doctor. |
| DR. CRUSHER | Why, I'm not sickie! I'm the doctor! |
| PICARD | Beverly, I'm afraid you are... uh, "sickie," and we must have you examined. |
| RIKER | But Captain... what kind of illness would turn someone into a... a shnoogie-woogums? |
| PICARD | I don't know. |
| BONES | Well? What's the matter? |
| DR. CRUSHER | Ooooh! It's Bonesie-Wonsie! Is you sickie, my little pudgie-woodums? |
| BONES | My god! What's wrong with this woman?!? |
| PICARD | That's what we would like you to find out, Doctor. |
| NARRATOR | Dr. McCoy performs several tests on Dr. Crusher to determine the nature of her ailment. |
| BONES | Well, there's nothing visibly wrong with her brain. It might be some kind of a viral ailment. |
| PICARD | A shnoogie-woogums virus? How odd! But where would she have picked it up? Surely not on the ship! |
| DATA | Perhaps she acquired it during her shore leave on Torgo IX, sir. |
| PICARD | Yes, Data. That might be it. But I didn't see any Torgonians displaying symptoms of this sort. |
| DATA | You are right, sir. On the contrary, most of the Torgonians seem to suffer from a rather different type of ailment altogether. Enlargement of the knees, tremors, a quavering voice, excessive flatulence, and an urge to feel the hair of others are the most obvious symptoms. |
| PICARD | Yes, I did notice that. |
| BONES | Maybe that's a more advanced stage of the illness that Dr. Crusher is suffering from. |
| PICARD | Yes. But if it is truly some sort of disease, I wonder why nobody else on the ship is suffering from these symptoms. |
| DATA | I am now searching for information about this illness on the ship's computer, sir. |
| DATA | I believe I have found something, sir. |
| PICARD | Let me see. Ah, yes. The shnoogie-woogums virus. That sounds like what we have here, all right. |
| DATA | According to this information, Dr. Crusher's ailment is a sexually transmitted disease exclusive to Torgo IX. The symptoms include... |
| PICARD | Wait... Did you say sexually transmitted? |
| DATA | Yes, sir. |
| PICARD | Dr. Crusher... how did you catch a sexually transmitted virus on Torgo IX? |
| DR. CRUSHER | I had a little flingie! Yes, I did! |
| PICARD | With a Torgo?! |
| DR. CRUSHER | Well, he was a very cute little Torgo! |
| PICARD | You mean to tell me you had sex with a Torgo after turning me down? |
| DATA | Captain! |
| PICARD | Yes, Data, I happen to find Beverly very attractive! |
| DATA | Yes, sir. She turned me down as well. |
| RIKER | She didn't turn me down. |
| DATA | That must mean that you are equivalent in sexiness to a Torgo, Commander. |
| RIKER | Hey! Well, if she turned you guys down, that must mean that you're less sexy than a Torgo. |
| PICARD | I prefer to think that I am just sexy in a different way from a Torgo! |
| BONES | Will you people shut up for a moment?! We need to find a way to cure this! |
| DATA | According to the information provided by the ship's computer, the cure is only available on Torgo IX. |
| NARRATOR | Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message from our sponsor. |
| OLD BAG 1 | My husband has an awful problem with Kalikorian Baboon Syndrome. His buttocks are constantly swollen and blue, but every time I try to tell him about Redox Kalidux, he hums! |
| OLD BAG 2 | Well, don't just tell him, dear, get him some! Then he'll have to try it. And it works like magic! |
| OLD BAG 1 | Wonderful! I'll go out and get some today! |
| CHEESY AD GUY | Redox Kalidux. Available at your local organics dispenser. |
| OLD BAG 2 | Use only as directed. |
| SINGERS | Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR | The Enterprise approaches Torgo IX. Captain Picard, Data, Geordi, Riker, Worf, Uhura and Spock are on the bridge. |
| PICARD | Now, those of you who are to be on the away team must avoid any, er, intimate contact with a Torgo, no matter how attractive the Torgo in question happens to be. In fact, I would advise against any exchange of bodily fluids. |
| UHURA | Sir, we are being hailed by a Romulan war bird. |
| PICARD | On screen! |
| ROMULAN | Is this yours? |
| PUFFIE | Hi, evewybody! |
| PICARD | Oh, god. Tell me that's not who I think it is... |
| DATA | It is not who you think it is, sir, unless you think it is Puffie, in which case it is who you think it is. |
| PUFFIE | Gosh, I'm tho gwad to be back wiff all my fwennie-wennies! I fwoated an' fwoated for a long time, an' I made connec' the dotth pitchers wiff the starth, an' I made a pony, an' a unicorn, an' a li'l ki' cat. And then thith big old ship came awong, an' there were these nithe people inthide, an' they axed me where I come fwom, an' I thaid the Ennerpwithe, an' they were weawy nithe an' they bwought me back, an'... |
| PICARD | Puffie! Will you stop talking for just a moment?! We are very busy right now. Go to your quarters! |
| PUFFIE | Aw, I wanna talk to my fwennie-wennieth, cauthe I haven't theen you for tho long, an'... |
| DATA | Do you not wish to visit Spot, Puffie? |
| PUFFIE | Oh, okay! |
| SPOCK | That being is not logical. |
| GEORDI | That's the understatement of the millennium... |
| DATA | I am puzzled. The chances of Puffie being returned to us after being thrown from an airlock into open space are extremely remote. |
| PICARD | Yes, that was a stroke of extraordinarily bad luck. We shall have to throw him out again. |
| GEORDI | Captain! Really! |
| DATA | I do not wish to share my quarters with Puffie again. Perhaps he can share quarters with Geordi, since Geordi seems to have such compassion for Puffie. |
| GEORDI | I do not! I just don't think it's appropriate to throw him out of an airlock just because he's annoying. |
| WORF | I don't believe that the rest of the crew shares that opinion, Geordi. |
| DR. CRUSHER | Hello, you little cutsie-wootsies! And how are we today? |
| RIKER | Do you really want to know the answer to that? |
| DR. CRUSHER | Look at the little shnookie-woo that came to visit me! |
| PUFFIE | (GIGGLES) Aw, Dr. Cwuther! |
| DR. CRUSHER | Yes, we is a shnookie-woo! Yes we is, yes we is! I want to pinch your widdle cheekie! |
| PUFFIE | Dr. Cwuther an' me are vewy thpethial fweindth! |
| PICARD | (SOUNDING ILL) Oh... |
| WORF | Grrr.... |
| RIKER | Data, see if you can get those two off the bridge. |
| DATA | Why me, sir?! |
| PICARD | Make it so, Data. |
| DATA | Yes, sir. Come along, Puffie. You too, Doctor. |
| GEORDI | We are now entering the Torgo system, sir. |
| PICARD | And not a minute too soon. |
| NARRATOR | Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. We will be back after this message. |
| VULCAN MALE | You and your mate have been chosen as ambassadors to a newly discovered, intelligent civilization. This is a great honor. Then, just as you arrive at your destination, your adolescent goes into heat! |
| VULCAN MALE | Do not allow this to happen to you. Use new Redox Heat-Chek for Vulcans. Redox Heat-Chek puts heat on hold until a more practical and logical setting is available. |
| VULCAN FEMALE | Use only as directed. Live long and prosper. |
| CHANTERS | Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR | Picard, Data, Riker, Worf, Geordi and Dr. Crusher beam to the surface of the planet Torgo IX, where they are greeted by the natives of the planet. |
| TORGO MALE | (IN A JERKY, QUAVERING VOICE) Greetings! Welcome to our planet (erk, ack, ptth). |
| PICARD | Thank you. We have come here seeking the cure to the shnoogie-woogums virus. Do your people have it? |
| TORGO MALE | Yes, indeed! (ack) My friends and I will (erk) show you to the clinic. (ptttttth) |
| PICARD | Thank you very much. |
| RIKER | Please get your fingers out of my hair, ma'am. |
| TORGO FEMALE | Ggk... sorry. |
| NARRATOR | The Torgonians lead the Enterprise's team to the local clinic. |
| TORGO MALE | Well, (erk, ggk)... here we are. (phhhhhh) Go on in. (brap) |
| PICARD | This waiting room is deserted. How odd! |
| TORGO NURSE | Ah, visitors. Please take your (erk) seats. (pfut) I will inform the doctor of your (gck) presence. |
| PICARD | Thank you. |
| DATA | Captain, if the Torgos do indeed possess the cure for Dr. Crusher's ailment, then why do they all suffer from such striking symptoms? |
| PICARD | I haven't any idea, Data. Perhaps the defects are genetic. |
| RIKER | Whatever causes it, it certainly isn't very attractive. Most of them look like they've wet their pants. I don't know what possessed Beverly to get so intimate with one of these people. |
| DR. CRUSHER | He was just such a little pudgie-woo! Yes! |
| GEORDI | It could be that there are a few Torgos that don't have this problem. In fact, last time I was here I saw a few. Mostly children and members of the clergy, though. |
| PICARD | How odd. |
| TORGO NURSE | Follow me, please. (ack) |
| PICARD | Yes, just a moment. Worf, Geordi, Riker, please wait for us. Data, you come with me. Beverly isn't exactly functioning properly, and she may try to resist. |
| DATA | Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR | A while later... |
| WORF | Well? How did it go? |
| PICARD | Oh, fine. Dr. Crusher is very groggy. The doctor will look at her again tomorrow to make sure everything is going smoothly. |
| DATA | What a primitive technique they have for administering medicine here! |
| GEORDI | I guess we'll have to stay here for a couple of days, won't we. |
| PICARD | Yes, we will. The nurse has given me the directions to the nearest inn. We can get there by foot, but in this case I think it would be best to get there by... um... car. |
| RIKER | Car? As in ground vehicle? |
| PICARD | Yes, it is a very primitive planet. |
| RIKER | You mean you're going to let a Torgo drive us?! |
| PICARD | Oh... you do have a point there. Perhaps Data can carry Dr. Crusher. |
| DATA | Very well, sir. |
| NARRATOR | After spending a night at the hotel, Picard, Riker, Worf and Geordi eat breakfast at the hotel's restaurant. |
| GEORDI | This food is gross. |
| RIKER | Well, it's not as bad as the stuff that was coming out of the food synthesizers the other day. |
| PICARD | I wish maintenance would fix those things. |
| DATA | (FRANTICALLY) Captain, sir... the doctor is ill. |
| PICARD | What's wrong? The cure didn't work? |
| DATA | I do not know, Captain! I believe she is turning into a Torgo! Her voice and movements are beginning to show the characteristic signs of Torgoism. I believe I saw some slight swelling in her knees, as well! |
| PICARD | This is bad. Perhaps the local doctor can help with this. |
| DATA | That doctor would obviously be useless, sir. If there were a cure for the illness, the Torgonian doctor himself would not have shown those symptoms. |
| PICARD | That's true. Whatever are we to do? We can't have a Torgo for a doctor! |
| GEORDI | Maybe one of those plain Torgos would know what to do. |
| PICARD | Plain? |
| GEORDI | You know, the ones that look like us. |
| WORF | That is reasonable. |
| PICARD | The trick will be to find one.... |
| NARRATOR | Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message. |
| CHEESY GUY | A few months ago, I went to Earth for the first time since I was a kid. It was so exciting. The first thing I did was go out and try some real beef. What a disappointment! It had to be cut with special instruments, and I had to chew it! I prefer the convenience of drinking my Redox Nutra-Synth beef through a straw. I also couldn't help thinking about the fact that I was eating part of an animal. Redox Nutra-Synth has absolutely no disgusting natural ingredients. It's all good, clean chemicals, processed in a special lab. And last but not least, beef just didn't taste as good as good old Redox Nutra-Synth. |
| CHEESY AD GUY | That's right! Nothing dies to make our delicious synthesized sustenance. All our products are synthesized from carbon dioxide and water procured from stellar matter to ensure that there are no organic contaminants. Try Redox Nutra-Synth today. |
| SINGERS | Making things better- Redox! |
| NARRATOR | Captain Picard asks the inn-keeper about the location of a plain Torgo. |
| PICARD | Sir, are there any adults among you who look like us? |
| INN-KEEPER | You mean a small-kneed one? Oh, yes... (agk, pppppthh) There is a priest living two houses down from the (erk) inn. |
| PICARD | Thank you. |
| INN-KEEPER | You're (ack) welcome. (puh) |
| NARRATOR | Picard and his team proceed to the priest's house. |
| PRIEST | (FROM INSIDE HOUSE) One moment, please. |
| PICARD | (QUIETLY, TO GROUP) Well, let's keep our fingers crossed. |
| DATA | What good would that do us, sir? |
| PRIEST | Ah, hello. Your faces are not familiar to me. Come in. |
| PICARD | Thank you, Father. |
| PRIEST | You're from Starfleet, aren't you? |
| PICARD | Yes, we are. We have come to ask your assistance. One of our group contracted a virus here -- the shnoogie-woogums virus -- and we took her to a clinic to be cured. Only now she seems to be becoming... er... like many of your people. We were wondering if you knew if there was anything we could do about this. You see, she is our ship's doctor, and these traits are not entirely suitable in a person in her profession. |
| PRIEST | Oh, dear, I'm afraid there isn't much I can do. All I can do is tell you what little I know about this sad affliction that has been visited on our poor planet and on your unfortunate doctor. All of you, please sit down. You see, your doctor's condition was caused by the cure for her previous ailment. |
| PICARD | So she needs a cure... for the cure? |
| PRIEST | Yes, and there is a cure for her condition, but nobody on Torgo IX knows what it is. |
| PICARD | Well... where can we find it? |
| PRIEST | That's the problem. (SIGHS) You see, quite some time back, there was a Torgonian citizen who was held in very high regard by the rest of us. This man was brilliant and talented in every way you can imagine. He was a famous biochemist and medical researcher. He was also an incredible dancer and was tremendously charismatic. People loved him. Then there came the shnoogie-woogums epidemic. Now, I assume you know how that virus is spread, and... well, this man was popular, so of course he got it. Finally a cure was developed, but it had the rather drastic side effects that you have observed. This man developed a cure for the cure, but then he was forced to flee. |
| PICARD | But... but, why? |
| PRIEST | Well, he began administering his cure to other people out of kindness. But they didn't view it as a kindness. They were enraged. |
| GEORDI | Why on earth would they be enraged? |
| PRIEST | Well, one of the side effects of the shnoogie-woogums cure is that it stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain, so that the victim is in a constant state of... well, orgasm. |
| PICARD | Constant?! |
| PRIEST | Yes. Another thing is that the mental abilities of the victim are much impaired. But this great man was so brilliant to begin with that he recognized what he had lost. Also, dancing was an important part of his life, and he found it impossible to dance well with knees the size of watermelons. |
| PICARD | Yes, that would be a problem. |
| PRIEST | Anyway, an angry mob of my people forced Dr. Bojangles (that was his name) to flee for his life into space, because they were afraid he would try to cure more people. He apparently went through some kind of instantaneous time warp, and the other Torgonians couldn't follow him. That was back when Torgo IX had a space program. (SIGHS) Since that epidemic, I tell you, things have been deteriorating fast. |
| WORF | Where did he go? |
| PRIEST | There is evidence that he ended up on Earth, arriving in the late eighteen-hundreds, we think. What became of him after that, I have no idea. |
| PICARD | Well, thank you, Father. You have been a great help. |
| NARRATOR | The Enterprise away team returns to the ship with Dr. Crusher. Picard meets with Data in Data's quarters. |
| PICARD | Well, I suppose that the next stop is Earth. Data, have you found any information about this Bojangles person? |
| DATA | Yes, I believe that I have. I found records of a man named Bill Bojangles Robinson, a famous dancer who performed from the 1890s to the 1940s. He was at his peak in the mid 1930s, when he danced in the Cotton Club with Cab Calloway. |
| PICARD | Did this man practice biochemistry? |
| DATA | There is no mention of that in the records, sir. |
| PICARD | Well, he still seems like a promising candidate. We shall see. |
| DATA | Yes. In the meantime, I will attempt to dispose of Puffie again. |
| PICARD | (AFTER A PAUSE) Er, Data? |
| DATA | Yes, Captain? |
| PICARD | Well... I don't know if this is the right time, but I've written a little song for you. Actually, I didn't write it; Cole Porter did. I just changed it up a bit for you. Would you like to hear it? |
| DATA | Oh, Captain! |
| PICARD | All right... ahem. (SINGING) If I go out to dine some night, I might make a pass at the waiter; but if I do, I won't follow through, for my heart belongs to Data! Yes, my heart belongs to Data, so I simply couldn't be bad. Yes, my heart belongs to Data, Da-a-ata! Yes, that lad from Omicron Theta, has come and stolen my heart; so my heart belongs to Data, and Data belongs to my heart! |
| DATA | Oh, Captain! I interpret that to be beautiful! Incidentally, I also have a song for you. Like you, I borrowed it from someone else -- the Android Sisters -- but I made some adjustments. |
| PICARD | Sing it for me, Data. |
| DATA | (SINGING) Oh, Captain, oh, Captain, how you can love! Oh, Captain, oh, Captain, star fields above! You make my neural net pulse with joy, and when you are near I cannot sit still a minute, and so, oh, Captain, oh, Captain, please tell me dear, what makes me love you so! You are not hairy, it is true, and when I look at you.... Oh, Captain, oh, Captain... (SPOKEN) Oh, Captain! |
| NARRATOR | Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of "The Cure for Shnoogie-Woogums!" |
All contents copyright © 1998 Brenna Lorenz, Megaera
Lorenz, Malachi Pulte. All Rights Reserved.
Reproduction of any part of site without express permission
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