Star Tricked - The Next Perpetration

Episode 3: The Cure for Shnoogie-Woogums, Part 1
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Beverly Crusher catches a terrible disease on the planet Torgo IX, and is cured -- sort of...

Demented Dr. Crusher

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/BREAKOUT
PICARD Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission... um... her mission... to boldly go where... where no one has gone before.
DATA But, Captain...
PICARD Data... what could I possibly have done wrong this time?
DATA What about colonial organisms, sir? They could not possibly be referred to as "one."
PICARD Oh, fine! Where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before.
DATA That is much better, sir, but I think that...
PICARD I don't want to hear about it!
 MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated, and F.H.P. Now, a word from our sponsor.
OLD MAN I've always known that I suffer from Xilophian Worm Leprosy. But in the past, I always just accepted it. But one day, one of my grandkids grabbed my hand, and it came off! I had to be rushed to the hospital. They told me I could have lost my penis, too! That got me thinking, and that's when I joined F.H.P. Now my life is so much better. Just ask my grandkids. I couldn't ask for better value.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Ensign Piecewise reports to sickbay for treatment of a minor illness.
PIECEWISE Doc... I think I have a sinus infection. Could you take a look at me?
DR. CRUSHER (IN A SHNOOGIE-WOOGUMS VOICE) Oooooh! Is we sickie? Is we sickie? Hmmmm? Let me see... Ooh, yes, yes, yes! We is sickie! We is a sick puppy, isn't we!
PIECEWISE Dr. Crusher! Are you all right?
DR. CRUSHER Yes, I am! Yes! I'm the doctor. You're the one who's sickie. Yes!
PIECEWISE Doc... something must be wrong...
DR. CRUSHER Of course! That's why we come and see the doctor. Let me see your cutie little face... mmmmm! We have a sinus infection, yes we does! I think I have to amputate your little facie.
PIECEWISE Amputate!?!
DR. CRUSHER Yes, that's just what I have to do. Ah, here's my little bone saw. Now hold still!
SFX: BRRRAW!
 
PIECEWISE Aaaaah! No! Wait, Doc, don't! Please!
DR. CRUSHER Oh! Silly little old me. I forgot your anesthesia. Now where did I put that mallet...?
PIECEWISE Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!
SFX: FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. CRUSHER Ooooh, it doesn't look like the ensign is sickie anymore.
NURSE (TO HERSELF) What the hell...?
NARRATOR Ensign Piecewise runs to the bridge, where he finds Picard, LaForge, Data, Riker, Worf, Uhura and Ambassador Spock, a guest on board the Enterprise.
PIECEWISE (OUT OF BREATH, FRANTIC) Captain..., Dr. Crusher... has become a... a....
PICARD What? What's wrong?
PIECEWISE She's become a... a shnoogie-woogums!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message.
MOM 1 My little Billy is so picky! It seems that I can never satisfy him! Whenever he asks for something to drink, I'm always at a loss for what to give him. I want him to have something healthy, but I just can't find something that he likes and is good for him, too!
MOM 2 I had the same problem until I discovered Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract! It has a rich, creamy texture that kids love!
MOM 1 Wow! Where can I get some?
MOM 2 At your local organics outlet! It comes in a variety of delicious flavors: Sugar 'n Mustard, Dilubrian Slug Mucus, and Dill Banana are just a few! And it's easy to prepare, too! Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract is sure to delight even the pickiest children.
CHEESY KID SINGERS Fletcher Paste Concentrates... Taste great!!!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Captain Picard and the other crew members attempt to calm the frantic Ensign Piecewise.
PICARD Please try to control yourself, Ensign. Now, what did you say Dr. Crusher has turned into?
PIECEWISE A... a shnoogie-woogums, sir! She's gone nuts! She tried to amputate my face... I... I don't know what's going on... she's completely loony...
DATA Please clarify the meaning of "shnoogie-woogums."
PIECEWISE You... you'll just have to see for yourselves.
PICARD I would like to see this. Commander Riker, Mr. Data, come with me. Ambassador Spock, if you wish to accompany us, you are welcome.
SPOCK I do not believe I shall. A shnoogie-woogums does not sound like a logical being.
PICARD Very well. Mr. LaForge, take the helm. Let's go.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
NARRATOR Captain Picard, Mr. Riker and Mr. Data report to sickbay.
DR. CRUSHER Ooooh, how nice to see Captain Picard! Is we sickie, Jean-Luc?
PICARD No, but I think you may be.
NURSE Can you help, sir? It came on pretty suddenly. I hadn't noticed her acting strangely until the ensign came in.
PICARD I think that I shall have to have Bones take a look at her. Would you please summon him, Nurse?
NURSE (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yes, sir. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Dr. McCoy, would you please come to sickbay? Dr. Crusher is ill.
BONES (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a doc-- oh. Yes, but just give me a moment.
NURSE Thank you, Doctor.
DR. CRUSHER Why, I'm not sickie! I'm the doctor!
PICARD Beverly, I'm afraid you are... uh, "sickie," and we must have you examined.
RIKER But Captain... what kind of illness would turn someone into a... a shnoogie-woogums?
PICARD I don't know.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
BONES Well? What's the matter?
DR. CRUSHER Ooooh! It's Bonesie-Wonsie! Is you sickie, my little pudgie-woodums?
BONES My god! What's wrong with this woman?!?
PICARD That's what we would like you to find out, Doctor.
NARRATOR Dr. McCoy performs several tests on Dr. Crusher to determine the nature of her ailment.
BONES Well, there's nothing visibly wrong with her brain. It might be some kind of a viral ailment.
PICARD A shnoogie-woogums virus? How odd! But where would she have picked it up? Surely not on the ship!
DATA Perhaps she acquired it during her shore leave on Torgo IX, sir.
PICARD Yes, Data. That might be it. But I didn't see any Torgonians displaying symptoms of this sort.
DATA You are right, sir. On the contrary, most of the Torgonians seem to suffer from a rather different type of ailment altogether. Enlargement of the knees, tremors, a quavering voice, excessive flatulence, and an urge to feel the hair of others are the most obvious symptoms.
PICARD Yes, I did notice that.
BONES Maybe that's a more advanced stage of the illness that Dr. Crusher is suffering from.
PICARD  Yes. But if it is truly some sort of disease, I wonder why nobody else on the ship is suffering from these symptoms.
DATA I am now searching for information about this illness on the ship's computer, sir.
SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS
 
DATA I believe I have found something, sir.
PICARD Let me see. Ah, yes. The shnoogie-woogums virus. That sounds like what we have here, all right. 
DATA According to this information, Dr. Crusher's ailment is a sexually transmitted disease exclusive to Torgo IX. The symptoms include...
PICARD Wait... Did you say sexually transmitted?
DATA Yes, sir.
PICARD Dr. Crusher... how did you catch a sexually transmitted virus on Torgo IX?
DR. CRUSHER I had a little flingie! Yes, I did!
PICARD With a Torgo?!
DR. CRUSHER Well, he was a very cute little Torgo!
PICARD You mean to tell me you had sex with a Torgo after turning me down?
DATA Captain!
PICARD Yes, Data, I happen to find Beverly very attractive!
DATA Yes, sir. She turned me down as well.
RIKER She didn't turn me down.
DATA That must mean that you are equivalent in sexiness to a Torgo, Commander.
RIKER Hey! Well, if she turned you guys down, that must mean that you're less sexy than a Torgo.
PICARD I prefer to think that I am just sexy in a different way from a Torgo!
BONES Will you people shut up for a moment?! We need to find a way to cure this!
DATA According to the information provided by the ship's computer, the cure is only available on Torgo IX.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message from our sponsor.
OLD BAG 1 My husband has an awful problem with Kalikorian Baboon Syndrome. His buttocks are constantly swollen and blue, but every time I try to tell him about Redox Kalidux, he hums!
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OLD BAG 1 Wonderful! I'll go out and get some today!
CHEESY AD GUY Redox Kalidux. Available at your local organics dispenser.
OLD BAG 2 Use only as directed.
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR The Enterprise approaches Torgo IX. Captain Picard, Data, Geordi, Riker, Worf, Uhura and Spock are on the bridge.
PICARD Now, those of you who are to be on the away team must avoid any, er, intimate contact with a Torgo, no matter how attractive the Torgo in question happens to be. In fact, I would advise against any exchange of bodily fluids.
UHURA Sir, we are being hailed by a Romulan war bird.
PICARD On screen!
ROMULAN Is this yours?
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
PUFFIE Hi, evewybody!
PICARD Oh, god. Tell me that's not who I think it is...
DATA It is not who you think it is, sir, unless you think it is Puffie, in which case it is who you think it is.
PUFFIE Gosh, I'm tho gwad to be back wiff all my fwennie-wennies! I fwoated an' fwoated for a long time, an' I made connec' the dotth pitchers wiff the starth, an' I made a pony, an' a unicorn, an' a li'l ki' cat. And then thith big old ship came awong, an' there were these nithe people inthide, an' they axed me where I come fwom, an' I thaid the Ennerpwithe, an' they were weawy nithe an' they bwought me back, an'...
PICARD Puffie! Will you stop talking for just a moment?! We are very busy right now. Go to your quarters!
PUFFIE Aw, I wanna talk to my fwennie-wennieth, cauthe I haven't theen you for tho long, an'...
DATA Do you not wish to visit Spot, Puffie?
PUFFIE Oh, okay!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
SPOCK That being is not logical.
GEORDI That's the understatement of the millennium...
DATA I am puzzled. The chances of Puffie being returned to us after being thrown from an airlock into open space are extremely remote.
PICARD Yes, that was a stroke of extraordinarily bad luck. We shall have to throw him out again.
GEORDI Captain! Really!
DATA I do not wish to share my quarters with Puffie again. Perhaps he can share quarters with Geordi, since Geordi seems to have such compassion for Puffie.
GEORDI I do not! I just don't think it's appropriate to throw him out of an airlock just because he's annoying.
WORF I don't believe that the rest of the crew shares that opinion, Geordi.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. CRUSHER Hello, you little cutsie-wootsies! And how are we today?
RIKER Do you really want to know the answer to that?
DR. CRUSHER Look at the little shnookie-woo that came to visit me!
PUFFIE (GIGGLES) Aw, Dr. Cwuther!
DR. CRUSHER Yes, we is a shnookie-woo! Yes we is, yes we is! I want to pinch your widdle cheekie!
PUFFIE Dr. Cwuther an' me are vewy thpethial fweindth!
PICARD (SOUNDING ILL) Oh...
WORF Grrr....
RIKER Data, see if you can get those two off the bridge.
DATA Why me, sir?!
PICARD Make it so, Data.
DATA Yes, sir. Come along, Puffie. You too, Doctor.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI We are now entering the Torgo system, sir.
PICARD And not a minute too soon.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. We will be back after this message.
VULCAN MALE You and your mate have been chosen as ambassadors to a newly discovered, intelligent civilization. This is a great honor. Then, just as you arrive at your destination, your adolescent goes into heat!
SFX: TEENAGER SCREAMING
 
VULCAN MALE Do not allow this to happen to you. Use new Redox Heat-Chek for Vulcans. Redox Heat-Chek puts heat on hold until a more practical and logical setting is available.
VULCAN FEMALE Use only as directed. Live long and prosper.
CHANTERS Making things better -- Redox!
SFX: GONG
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Picard, Data, Riker, Worf, Geordi and Dr. Crusher beam to the surface of the planet Torgo IX, where they are greeted by the natives of the planet.
TORGO MALE (IN A JERKY, QUAVERING VOICE) Greetings! Welcome to our planet (erk, ack, ptth).
PICARD Thank you. We have come here seeking the cure to the shnoogie-woogums virus. Do your people have it?
TORGO MALE Yes, indeed! (ack) My friends and I will (erk) show you to the clinic. (ptttttth)
PICARD Thank you very much.
RIKER Please get your fingers out of my hair, ma'am.
TORGO FEMALE Ggk... sorry.
NARRATOR The Torgonians lead the Enterprise's team to the local clinic.
TORGO MALE Well, (erk, ggk)... here we are. (phhhhhh) Go on in. (brap)
SFX: DOOR OPENING (NON-ELECTRONIC)
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD This waiting room is deserted. How odd!
TORGO NURSE Ah, visitors. Please take your (erk) seats. (pfut) I will inform the doctor of your (gck) presence.
PICARD Thank you.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Captain, if the Torgos do indeed possess the cure for Dr. Crusher's ailment, then why do they all suffer from such striking symptoms?
PICARD I haven't any idea, Data. Perhaps the defects are genetic.
RIKER Whatever causes it, it certainly isn't very attractive. Most of them look like they've wet their pants. I don't know what possessed Beverly to get so intimate with one of these people.
DR. CRUSHER He was just such a little pudgie-woo! Yes!
GEORDI It could be that there are a few Torgos that don't have this problem. In fact, last time I was here I saw a few. Mostly children and members of the clergy, though.
PICARD How odd.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
TORGO NURSE Follow me, please. (ack)
PICARD Yes, just a moment. Worf, Geordi, Riker, please wait for us. Data, you come with me. Beverly isn't exactly functioning properly, and she may try to resist.
DATA Yes, sir.
NARRATOR A while later...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WORF Well? How did it go?
PICARD Oh, fine. Dr. Crusher is very groggy. The doctor will look at her again tomorrow to make sure everything is going smoothly.
DATA What a primitive technique they have for administering medicine here!
GEORDI I guess we'll have to stay here for a couple of days, won't we.
PICARD Yes, we will. The nurse has given me the directions to the nearest inn. We can get there by foot, but in this case I think it would be best to get there by... um... car.
RIKER Car? As in ground vehicle?
PICARD Yes, it is a very primitive planet.
RIKER You mean you're going to let a Torgo drive us?!
PICARD Oh... you do have a point there. Perhaps Data can carry Dr. Crusher.
DATA Very well, sir.
NARRATOR After spending a night at the hotel, Picard, Riker, Worf and Geordi eat breakfast at the hotel's restaurant.
GEORDI This food is gross.
RIKER Well, it's not as bad as the stuff that was coming out of the food synthesizers the other day.
PICARD I wish maintenance would fix those things.
SFX: LOUD, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
 
DATA (FRANTICALLY) Captain, sir... the doctor is ill.
PICARD What's wrong? The cure didn't work?
DATA I do not know, Captain! I believe she is turning into a Torgo! Her voice and movements are beginning to show the characteristic signs of Torgoism. I believe I saw some slight swelling in her knees, as well!
PICARD This is bad. Perhaps the local doctor can help with this.
DATA That doctor would obviously be useless, sir. If there were a cure for the illness, the Torgonian doctor himself would not have shown those symptoms.
PICARD That's true. Whatever are we to do? We can't have a Torgo for a doctor!
GEORDI Maybe one of those plain Torgos would know what to do.
PICARD Plain?
GEORDI You know, the ones that look like us.
WORF That is reasonable.
PICARD The trick will be to find one....
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message.
CHEESY GUY A few months ago, I went to Earth for the first time since I was a kid. It was so exciting. The first thing I did was go out and try some real beef. What a disappointment! It had to be cut with special instruments, and I had to chew it! I prefer the convenience of drinking my Redox Nutra-Synth beef through a straw. I also couldn't help thinking about the fact that I was eating part of an animal. Redox Nutra-Synth has absolutely no disgusting natural ingredients. It's all good, clean chemicals, processed in a special lab. And last but not least, beef just didn't taste as good as good old Redox Nutra-Synth.
CHEESY AD GUY That's right! Nothing dies to make our delicious synthesized sustenance. All our products are synthesized from carbon dioxide and water procured from stellar matter to ensure that there are no organic contaminants. Try Redox Nutra-Synth today.
SINGERS Making things better- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Captain Picard asks the inn-keeper about the location of a plain Torgo.
PICARD Sir, are there any adults among you who look like us?
INN-KEEPER You mean a small-kneed one? Oh, yes... (agk, pppppthh) There is a priest living two houses down from the (erk) inn.
PICARD Thank you.
INN-KEEPER You're (ack) welcome. (puh)
NARRATOR Picard and his team proceed to the priest's house.
SFX: KNOCKING ON A DOOR
 
PRIEST (FROM INSIDE HOUSE) One moment, please.
PICARD (QUIETLY, TO GROUP) Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.
DATA What good would that do us, sir?
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
PRIEST Ah, hello. Your faces are not familiar to me. Come in.
PICARD Thank you, Father.
PRIEST You're from Starfleet, aren't you?
PICARD Yes, we are. We have come to ask your assistance. One of our group contracted a virus here -- the shnoogie-woogums virus -- and we took her to a clinic to be cured. Only now she seems to be becoming... er... like many of your people. We were wondering if you knew if there was anything we could do about this. You see, she is our ship's doctor, and these traits are not entirely suitable in a person in her profession.
PRIEST Oh, dear, I'm afraid there isn't much I can do. All I can do is tell you what little I know about this sad affliction that has been visited on our poor planet and on your unfortunate doctor. All of you, please sit down. You see, your doctor's condition was caused by the cure for her previous ailment.
PICARD So she needs a cure... for the cure?
PRIEST Yes, and there is a cure for her condition, but nobody on Torgo IX knows what it is.
PICARD Well... where can we find it?
PRIEST That's the problem. (SIGHS) You see, quite some time back, there was a Torgonian citizen who was held in very high regard by the rest of us. This man was brilliant and talented in every way you can imagine. He was a famous biochemist and medical researcher. He was also an incredible dancer and was tremendously charismatic. People loved him. Then there came the shnoogie-woogums epidemic. Now, I assume you know how that virus is spread, and... well, this man was popular, so of course he got it. Finally a cure was developed, but it had the rather drastic side effects that you have observed. This man developed a cure for the cure, but then he was forced to flee.
PICARD But... but, why?
PRIEST Well, he began administering his cure to other people out of kindness. But they didn't view it as a kindness. They were enraged.
GEORDI Why on earth would they be enraged?
PRIEST Well, one of the side effects of the shnoogie-woogums cure is that it stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain, so that the victim is in a constant state of... well, orgasm.
PICARD Constant?!
PRIEST Yes. Another thing is that the mental abilities of the victim are much impaired. But this great man was so brilliant to begin with that he recognized what he had lost. Also, dancing was an important part of his life, and he found it impossible to dance well with knees the size of watermelons.
PICARD Yes, that would be a problem.
PRIEST Anyway, an angry mob of my people forced Dr. Bojangles (that was his name) to flee for his life into space, because they were afraid he would try to cure more people. He apparently went through some kind of instantaneous time warp, and the other Torgonians couldn't follow him. That was back when Torgo IX had a space program. (SIGHS) Since that epidemic, I tell you, things have been deteriorating fast.
WORF Where did he go?
PRIEST There is evidence that he ended up on Earth, arriving in the late eighteen-hundreds, we think. What became of him after that, I have no idea.
PICARD Well, thank you, Father. You have been a great help.
NARRATOR The Enterprise away team returns to the ship with Dr. Crusher. Picard meets with Data in Data's quarters.
PICARD Well, I suppose that the next stop is Earth. Data, have you found any information about this Bojangles person?
DATA Yes, I believe that I have. I found records of a man named Bill Bojangles Robinson, a famous dancer who performed from the 1890s to the 1940s. He was at his peak in the mid 1930s, when he danced in the Cotton Club with Cab Calloway.
PICARD Did this man practice biochemistry?
DATA There is no mention of that in the records, sir.
PICARD Well, he still seems like a promising candidate. We shall see.
DATA Yes. In the meantime, I will attempt to dispose of Puffie again.
PICARD (AFTER A PAUSE) Er, Data?
DATA Yes, Captain?
PICARD Well... I don't know if this is the right time, but I've written a little song for you. Actually, I didn't write it; Cole Porter did. I just changed it up a bit for you. Would you like to hear it?
DATA Oh, Captain!
PICARD All right... ahem. (SINGING) If I go out to dine some night, I might make a pass at the waiter; but if I do, I won't follow through, for my heart belongs to Data! Yes, my heart belongs to Data, so I simply couldn't be bad. Yes, my heart belongs to Data, Da-a-ata! Yes, that lad from Omicron Theta, has come and stolen my heart; so my heart belongs to Data, and Data belongs to my heart!
DATA Oh, Captain! I interpret that to be beautiful! Incidentally, I also have a song for you. Like you, I borrowed it from someone else -- the Android Sisters -- but I made some adjustments.
PICARD Sing it for me, Data.
DATA (SINGING) Oh, Captain, oh, Captain, how you can love! Oh, Captain, oh, Captain, star fields above! You make my neural net pulse with joy, and when you are near I cannot sit still a minute, and so, oh, Captain, oh, Captain, please tell me dear, what makes me love you so! You are not hairy, it is true, and when I look at you.... Oh, Captain, oh, Captain... (SPOKEN) Oh, Captain!
SFX: BAJOONKSH!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of "The Cure for Shnoogie-Woogums!"

All contents copyright © 1998 Brenna Lorenz, Megaera Lorenz, Malachi Pulte. All Rights Reserved.
Reproduction of any part of site without express permission is strictly prohibited.

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