Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration

Episode 4: A Cure for Shnoogie-Woogums, Part 2
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which the Enterprise crew visits the Cotton Club and gains several new crew members. Enterprise crew at the Cotton Club with Bojangles, Cab, and Don.

Enterprise crew at the Cotton Club with Bojangles, Cab, and Don.

Standing, from left to right: Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, Cab Calloway, Don Redman. Seated, clockwise from left: Dr. Crusher as a Torgo, Picard, Riker, Deanna, Wesley, Data. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT

PICARD	All right. I finally have it. Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to boldly go where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before.
DATA	Captain...
PICARD	NO! I have already included everyone, Data! What more could you ask?! Please, just let me get through this stupid boldly go thing just once without any interruptions!
DATA	I just want you to be accurate, sir. We do not want our listeners to get the wrong impression about us.
PICARD	Data! Well, fine. What were you going to suggest this time?
DATA	Would it not be somewhat risky to "boldly" go, sir? What if someone were to be offended? Remember that the Enterprise's mission is a peaceful one. We do not want to be seen as intruders.
PICARD	Oh.... you.... Fine, then! Her mission: to cautiously but, er, courageously go, being very careful not to offend anyone or get into any trouble, where no entity with any kind of consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before!
DATA	And another thing, sir...
PICARD	Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR	Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated, and Fletcher Paste Company. And now, a word from our sponsor.
CHILD	Mommy, I want some Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract!
MOM	Oh, dear! I'm just so busy, I don't have time to prepare any!
CHILD	Aw, Mom...
CHEESY AD LADY	Hey, Busy Mom! Haven't you heard the latest news? Now you can get Readi-Made Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract.
MOM	Really? Already mixed?
CHEESY AD LADY	That's right! It comes ready to drink in handy disposable cartons. It saves you the time of having to prepare it yourself, and it comes in all of your child's favorite flavors: chocolate-onion, Torgonian salamander mucus deluxe, and more! Now the children of even the busiest moms can have delicious Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract at any time!
MOM	Wow! I'll get some today!
CHILD	Thanks, Mom. You're the greatest!
CHEESY KID SINGERS	Fletcher Paste Concentrates -- Taste great!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

PICARD	Captain's Log: We are preparing to travel back in time to twentieth century Earth to try to find the man who can cure Dr. Crusher of Torgoism. We believe that he is a tap dancer by the name of Bill Bojangles Robinson. Accompanying me on my mission will be Mr. Data, Mr. Riker, Counselor Troi, Dr. Crusher, and Wesley Crusher.
NARRATOR	Captain Picard and Wesley discuss the mission in Wesley's quarters.
WESLEY	Sir, I don't, like, see why you want me on this mission.
PICARD	We will need you to help us with your mother, Wesley. She is behaving rather irrationally, and you are the only one who might be able to reason with her.
WESLEY	Are you kidding? I can't even talk to Mom when she's not a Torgo!
PICARD	That is a common complaint among adolescents, but I assure you that you have more influence with her that the rest of us. Besides, young man, we're going to the Cotton Club, a place renowned for its babes.
WESLEY	Well... since you put it that way...
PICARD	That's a good lad. Now start getting prepared.
WESLEY	Uh, sir?
PICARD	Yes?
WESLEY	Are you bringing Data?
PICARD	Yes.
WESLEY	Aren't people going to, like, ask about him?
PICARD	We'll just tell them he's a jaundiced albino who dyes his hair.
WESLEY	Oh... like, of course.
NARRATOR	Meanwhile, Data attempts once again to rid the ship of Puffie.
DATA	Puffie! Would you like to see the stars again?
PUFFIE	Aw, that'th awf'wy nithe of you, but I think I've looked at 'em enough alweady.
DATA	Oh... Well, then , would you like to play hide and seek?
PUFFIE	Gee, that soundth wike fun! Yeth, I'll pway hide 'n theek wiff you!
DATA	Good! All right, I will open up that big door, and you go hide out there. Then I will count to ten and come find you.
PUFFIE	Okay!

SFX: AIRLOCK DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: AIRLOCK DOOR SLAMMING SHUT
SFX: CONTROL PANEL SOUNDS
SFX: SHLOOK!

DATA	(EVIL LAUGHTER) So long, Puffie! (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Captain, I have just lured Puffie out of an airlock! We must leave for Earth now, at warp speed!
PICARD	(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, I'll meet you on the bridge.
NARRATOR	Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi, Riker, and Deanna report to the bridge.
PICARD	All right, Mr. Data, set course for Earth. Maximum warp -- engage!
DATA	Aye, sir.

SFX: WARP DRIVE

DATA	I approximate that we will arrive at our destination in twelve hours, thirteen minutes, thirty-six...
PICARD	Data!
RIKER	Lets hope nobody gets sick, in the meantime.
PICARD	That is why we have Bones here, Number One.
RIKER	For some reason, that's not a great comfort.

SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING

DR. CRUSHER	(IN TORGO VOICE) Hello, everybody (erk). Where are we (gck, thppt) going? (Ack)
PICARD	We are going to Earth, Beverly, to try to cure you of your condition.
DR. CRUSHER	What (ack) condition? I'm feeling (yerk, ppht) wonderful!
PICARD	That may be, but you're in no condition to be practicing medicine.
UHURA	And besides, those knees don't fit into your uniform very well.
DR. CRUSHER	But I feel so (gck) good!
PICARD	There, there, Beverly. We'll worry about that later. Right now, we're going to the Cotton Club.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR	Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after these messages.
CHEESY SINGERS	Fashion fun Klingon Barbie!
LITTLE GIRL 1	Wow! She has sparkly ridges!
LITTLE GIRL 2	Cool!
BARBIE	I'm in heat. Let's go to the mall.
LITTLE GIRLS	(GIGGLING)
CHEESY SINGERS	Wow, Klingon Barbie, you really smell great! Let's go out and attract a mate!
LITTLE GIRL 1	She really stinks!
LITTLE GIRL 2	I wanna smell just like you, Klingon Barbie!
CHEESY AD LADY	Get new Klingon Barbie today! Accessories sold separately.

MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR	The Enterprise approaches Earth and prepares to time warp. On the bridge are Picard, Geordi, Riker, Worf, Data and Deanna.
PICARD	Data, we need to get there in approximately the year 1935.
DATA	Yes, sir.
GEORDI	Shall we attempt to time warp now, sir?
PICARD	Yes, make it so.

SFX: WARP DRIVE

NARRATOR	The Enterprise successfully completes the time warp.
GEORDI	We're entering Earth orbit, sir.
DATA	The date is May 10, 1935.
PICARD	Very good. Mr. Data, Number One, Counselor, you come with me. Mr. LaForge, have Wesley and Dr. Crusher meet me in the transporter room.
GEORDI	Aye, sir.
DATA	Captain, I believe that we will need currency.
PICARD	That is already taken care of, Data. I had the computer replicate some and I have packed it along with the rest of our supplies. It's waiting for us in the transporter room.
NARRATOR	The away team reports to the transporter room.

SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING

PICARD	Where are the Crushers?
DEANNA	Wesley may be having some difficulty with his mother.

SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING

WESLEY	Come on, Mom!
DR. CRUSHER	Ack!
WESLEY	Here we are... Shouldn't we, like, dress differently for this?
PICARD	Yes, Wesley. Computer, mid-1930s United States Earth civilian clothing, please.

SFX: CLOTHING TRANSFORMATION

RIKER	Um, I'm not exactly sure, but somehow I don't think this is right.
PICARD	You're right, Number One. That outfit you're wearing doesn't look like it was intended for a man.
DATA	Computer, are you entirely sure this is correct?
COMPUTER	Positive.
PICARD	Very well... Let's go.

SFX: TRANSPORTER

PICARD	Here we are! Is this the right place?
RIKER	Here's a promising looking building. Let's take a look.

SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS

DATA	This is the Cotton Club. It appears we have beamed to the correct coordinates.
WESLEY	C'mon, let's go in.
RIKER	Damn, these high heels are hard to walk in.

SFX: DOOR OPENING
MUSIC: CAB CALLOWAY AND HIS ORCHESTRA PERFORMING "MINNIE THE MOOCHER" (BACKGROUND)
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING

WAITER	Hello... may I... er.... help you...?
PICARD	Yes, please.
WAITER	Er... there's an open table right this way. Please sit down...
PICARD	Thank you, but we just want to see Bojangles.
WAITER	I'm sorry, sir, but he's not on yet, and if you want to come in here, you have to order something. Please have a seat.
PICARD	Oh, is that how it works? Very well.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: CHAIRS MOVING

WAITER	Now... what will you have?
PICARD	Oh, we'll just have drinks for now.
WAITER	Yes...?
PICARD	Er... what is beer?
WAITER	(IN DISBELIEF) What is beer?!
PICARD	Well, I know what we mean by beer, but what is your beer? What is it made of?
WAITER	I don't know... Do you want it or not?
PICARD	All right, I'll try it.
WAITER	What kind would you like?
PICARD	Oh, is there more than one kind? I'll take whatever's convenient. Is Bojangles up there now?
WAITER	No. And the rest of you want...?
DEANNA	Uh, we'll just have what he's having, thank you.
PICARD	How much do we need to pay?
WAITER	Um, you don't have to pay yet.
PICARD	I don't think we'll be ordering anything else. Just let me pay now.
WAITER	Okay... that'll be fifty cents... or are you all paying separately?
PICARD	Here you are.
WAITER	(IN ASTONISHMENT) Sir, this is... fifty hundred dollar bills!
PICARD	Yes... is it not valid currency?
WAITER	Um... you just hold onto that for a moment, sir... I'll be right back.
NARRATOR	The waiter goes to talk to one of the managers of the Cotton Club.
WAITER	Boss, there's a group of very strange people sitting over by the stage.
BOSS	Yeah? Are they giving you trouble?
WAITER	No... I don't think so... Well, first of all, they tried to pay for their drinks in hundred dollar bills. And you should see the way they're dressed! One guy, the one with a beard, is dressed in a... a bright red evening gown. And the bald guy... he's wearing a lime green zoot-suit with maroon trim. And there's this one guy who's really, really pale, with sort of silvery -yellow skin and yellow eyes, and he's wearing a purple suit with a green bow tie and an orange top hat. And there's a woman with... with huge knees! She's wearing what looks like a bathrobe, and she has curlers in her hair. And there's another lady who's dressed like a cowboy. The teenager's wearing what looks like a suit of long underwear.
BOSS	Hmmmm. Well, as long as they don't give you any trouble, just let them be. But if they start anything, I'll have some of the boys throw them out.
WAITER	Okay...
NARRATOR	The waiter returns to the crew's table with the beer that has been ordered.

SFX: BEER GLASSES THUMPING DOWN ON THE TABLE

WAITER	Here you go, folks.
PICARD	Ah, thank you. Here is your money...
WAITER	Sir, I don't think we have change for that. Do you have anything smaller?
PICARD	I'm sorry, but this is the only size that I have. But maybe I could trim them a bit.
THUG	Jack, are these carnival people giving you trouble?
WAITER	Uh, no sir, it's just that they don't have anything smaller than 100 dollar bills.
THUG	Dat so? Where you mugs from?
DEANNA	We're travelers. We're not from around here.
THUG	No kiddin'? Well, do you folks know dat here in America, it's customary to tip yer waiter?
DATA	Tip, sir?
THUG	Yeah. If you t'ink yer waiter is a nice guy, see, and is doin' a good job, you let him keep the change. Dat's a tip. Den yer waiter will keep on bein' a nice guy.
PICARD	What a quaint custom! Waiter, of course you may keep the change.
WAITER	Thanks!!!
THUG	Don't ferget to share dat later.
PICARD	Oh, is Bojangles up there yet?
WAITER	No, he's up next. Can I get you anything else?
PICARD	No, thank you.

MUSIC: BACKGROUND MUSIC FADES

ANNOUNCER

And now, Cab Calloway and his Orchestra with Don Redman and Bojangles Robinson will perform "Doin' the New Lowdown."

MUSIC: "DOIN' THE NEW LOWDOWN"

DATA	(EXCITEDLY) Sir...!
PICARD	Yes, I heard. Let's go talk to him.
NARRATOR	Captain Picard and Data attempt to climb onto the stage. They are intercepted by an employee of the Cotton Club.
THUG	Hey, you mugs! Get offa dat!
PICARD	It is urgent that we speak to Bojangles.
THUG	I'll send him to yer table after he's through with his number.
PICARD	Oh, thank you; that's most kind of you.
NARRATOR	Picard and Data return to their table to watch the show. Shortly afterwards, Bojangles approaches their table.
BOJANGLES	You folks wanted to talk to me?
PICARD	Yes, Dr. Bojangles. We need to see you about a most urgent matter: HER!
BOJANGLES	NO!

SFX: CHAIR FALLING OVER

NARRATOR	Cab Calloway and Don Redman hurry over to help their friend.
CAB	Are these yarddogs sliding some off-time jive to you, Bill?
BOJANGLES	What?
DON	That is to say, are these clowns giving you trouble?
BOJANGLES	Um, no... no. They're... uh... they... they're just visitors, from my... um... hometown.
DON	I don't know what part of Virginia you're from, Bill, but folks sure don't dress like that in the part of Virginia I'm from.
DEANNA	We're not from Virginia!
PICARD	Please, Dr. Bojangles, we desperately need the cure for her condition. You're the only one who can help us.
CAB	Doctor Bojangles???
BOJANGLES	I don't do that stuff anymore. And besides, she won't thank me for it. Or you. Just send her back to Torgo IX.
PICARD	But that's the problem! She's not from Torgo IX. She's our ship's doctor, and we need her back the way she was, before her shore leave.
BOJANGLES	You folks are Starfleet?? Boy, they've sure changed the uniforms a lot since my day.
DEANNA	These aren't our uniforms.
DATA	That is correct. These are merely disguises to enable us to fit in with the people of this world.
PICARD	None of that is important! What we need is the cure, or the formula for the cure. We can administer it to Dr. Crusher ourselves, and that way, you will not be placed in danger.
BOJANGLES	I don't know...
CAB	What is this jive?
PICARD	Perhaps we should continue this discussion in your laboratory, Dr. Bojangles. This place is a bit... er... public.
BOJANGLES	I don't have a laboratory!
PICARD	But why not? How can you work as a biochemist without a laboratory?
BOJANGLES	Like I said, I don't do that stuff anymore. Besides, the primitives that run this country don't let people my color be biochemists here. Not much.
PICARD	How bizarre!
DEANNA	Doctor, do you still remember the formula for the cure?
DON	Say, Bill, that lady wouldn't happen to have something contagious, would she?
BOJANGLES	I... I think I can remember it. If I write it down, do you promise you will leave me alone and never come back?
PICARD	Of course, but we were thinking you might like to come back to the 24th Century with us.
BOJANGLES	No way! I would rather deal with the primitives of this culture than be killed by my own people for trying to help them.
CAB	24th Century??? You folks are from the future?
DON	I think they're some kind of space men.
WESLEY	Like, we're both. From, like, the future and from space, I mean.
DON	What's music going to be like, say, ten years from now?
DATA	Let me access my data banks.

MUSIC: BRENT SPINER SINGING "EMBRACEABLE YOU"

DON	That is what I feared.
PICARD	Are you certain you don't wish to accompany us, Dr. Bojangles? We could use a man of your talents on board the Enterprise.
CAB	Is that the name of your rocket ship? The Enterprise?
DON	You cats don't suppose you could use a man of my talents on your rocket ship, do you? If music is going to sound like that, I don't see much point in sticking around this planet.
RIKER	Actually, Captain, a decent band on the Enterprise would be a great improvement, sir.
DON	If that's a yes, I'll see if I can get my band together.

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC

NARRATOR

Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message.