Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration

Episode 4: A Cure for Shnoogie-Woogums, Part 2
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which the Enterprise crew visits the Cotton Club and gains several new crew members.
Enterprise crew at the Cotton Club with Bojangles, Cab, and Don. 
Standing, from left to right: Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, Cab Calloway, Don Redman. Seated, clockwise from left: Dr. Crusher as a Torgo, Picard, Riker, Deanna, Wesley, Data. Drawing by Megaera Lorenz. 
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD All right. I finally have it. Space... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to boldly go where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before.
DATA Captain...
PICARD NO! I have already included everyone, Data! What more could you ask?! Please, just let me get through this stupid boldly go thing just once without any interruptions!
DATA I just want you to be accurate, sir. We do not want our listeners to get the wrong impression about us.
PICARD Data! Well, fine. What were you going to suggest this time?
DATA Would it not be somewhat risky to "boldly" go, sir? What if someone were to be offended? Remember that the Enterprise's mission is a peaceful one. We do not want to be seen as intruders.
PICARD Oh.... you.... Fine, then! Her mission: to cautiously but, er, courageously go, being very careful not to offend anyone or get into any trouble, where no entity with any kind of consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before!
DATA And another thing, sir...
PICARD Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated, and Fletcher Paste Company. And now, a word from our sponsor.
CHILD Mommy, I want some Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract!
MOM Oh, dear! I'm just so busy, I don't have time to prepare any!
CHILD Aw, Mom...
CHEESY AD LADY Hey, Busy Mom! Haven't you heard the latest news? Now you can get Readi-Made Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract.
MOM Really? Already mixed?
CHEESY AD LADY That's right! It comes ready to drink in handy disposable cartons. It saves you the time of having to prepare it yourself, and it comes in all of your child's favorite flavors: chocolate-onion, Torgonian salamander mucus deluxe, and more! Now the children of even the busiest moms can have delicious Fletcher Paste Mammal Extract at any time!
MOM Wow! I'll get some today!
CHILD Thanks, Mom. You're the greatest!
CHEESY KID SINGERS Fletcher Paste Concentrates -- Taste great!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
PICARD Captain's Log: We are preparing to travel back in time to twentieth century Earth to try to find the man who can cure Dr. Crusher of Torgoism. We believe that he is a tap dancer by the name of Bill Bojangles Robinson. Accompanying me on my mission will be Mr. Data, Mr. Riker, Counselor Troi, Dr. Crusher, and Wesley Crusher.
NARRATOR Captain Picard and Wesley discuss the mission in Wesley's quarters.
WESLEY Sir, I don't, like, see why you want me on this mission.
PICARD We will need you to help us with your mother, Wesley. She is behaving rather irrationally, and you are the only one who might be able to reason with her.
WESLEY Are you kidding? I can't even talk to Mom when she's not a Torgo!
PICARD That is a common complaint among adolescents, but I assure you that you have more influence with her that the rest of us. Besides, young man, we're going to the Cotton Club, a place renowned for its babes.
WESLEY Well... since you put it that way...
PICARD That's a good lad. Now start getting prepared.
WESLEY Uh, sir?
PICARD Yes?
WESLEY Are you bringing Data?
PICARD Yes.
WESLEY Aren't people going to, like, ask about him?
PICARD We'll just tell them he's a jaundiced albino who dyes his hair.
WESLEY Oh... like, of course.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Data attempts once again to rid the ship of Puffie.
DATA Puffie! Would you like to see the stars again?
PUFFIE Aw, that'th awf'wy nithe of you, but I think I've looked at 'em enough alweady.
DATA Oh... Well, then , would you like to play hide and seek?
PUFFIE Gee, that soundth wike fun! Yeth, I'll pway hide 'n theek wiff you!
DATA Good! All right, I will open up that big door, and you go hide out there. Then I will count to ten and come find you.
PUFFIE Okay!
SFX: AIRLOCK DOOR OPENING
SFX: SKIPPING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: AIRLOCK DOOR SLAMMING SHUT
SFX: CONTROL PANEL SOUNDS
SFX: SHLOOK!
 
DATA (EVIL LAUGHTER) So long, Puffie! (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Captain, I have just lured Puffie out of an airlock! We must leave for Earth now, at warp speed!
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yes, I'll meet you on the bridge.
NARRATOR Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi, Riker, and Deanna report to the bridge.
PICARD All right, Mr. Data, set course for Earth. Maximum warp -- engage!
DATA Aye, sir.
SFX: WARP DRIVE
 
DATA I approximate that  we will arrive at our destination in twelve hours, thirteen minutes, thirty-six...
PICARD Data!
RIKER Lets hope nobody gets sick, in the meantime.
PICARD That is why we have Bones here, Number One.
RIKER For some reason, that's not a great comfort.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DR. CRUSHER (IN TORGO VOICE) Hello, everybody (erk). Where are we (gck, thppt) going? (Ack)
PICARD We are going to Earth, Beverly, to try to cure you of your condition.
DR. CRUSHER What (ack) condition? I'm feeling (yerk, ppht) wonderful!
PICARD That may be, but you're in no condition to be practicing medicine.
UHURA And besides, those knees don't fit into your uniform very well.
DR. CRUSHER But I feel so (gck) good!
PICARD There, there, Beverly. We'll worry about that later. Right now, we're going to the Cotton Club.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after these messages.
CHEESY SINGERS Fashion fun Klingon Barbie!
LITTLE GIRL 1 Wow! She has sparkly ridges!
LITTLE GIRL 2 Cool!
BARBIE I'm in heat. Let's go to the mall.
LITTLE GIRLS (GIGGLING)
CHEESY SINGERS Wow, Klingon Barbie, you really smell great! Let's go out and attract a mate!
LITTLE GIRL 1 She really stinks!
LITTLE GIRL 2 I wanna smell just like you, Klingon Barbie!
CHEESY AD LADY Get new Klingon Barbie today! Accessories sold separately.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR The Enterprise approaches Earth and prepares to time warp. On the bridge are Picard, Geordi, Riker, Worf, Data and Deanna.
PICARD Data, we need to get there in approximately the year 1935.
DATA Yes, sir.
GEORDI Shall we attempt to time warp now, sir?
PICARD Yes, make it so.
SFX: WARP DRIVE
 
NARRATOR The Enterprise successfully completes the time warp.
GEORDI We're entering Earth orbit, sir.
DATA The date is May 10, 1935.
PICARD Very good. Mr. Data, Number One, Counselor, you come with me. Mr. LaForge, have Wesley and Dr. Crusher meet me in the transporter room.
GEORDI Aye, sir.
DATA Captain, I believe that we will need currency.
PICARD That is already taken care of, Data. I had the computer replicate some and I have packed it along with the rest of our supplies. It's waiting for us in the transporter room.
NARRATOR The away team reports to the transporter room.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD Where are the Crushers?
DEANNA Wesley may be having some difficulty with his mother.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WESLEY Come on, Mom!
DR. CRUSHER Ack!
WESLEY Here we are... Shouldn't we, like, dress differently for this?
PICARD Yes, Wesley. Computer, mid-1930s United States Earth civilian clothing, please.
SFX: CLOTHING TRANSFORMATION
 
RIKER Um, I'm not exactly sure, but somehow I don't think this is right.
PICARD You're right, Number One. That outfit you're wearing doesn't look like it was intended for a man.
DATA Computer, are you entirely sure this is correct?
COMPUTER Positive.
PICARD Very well... Let's go.
SFX: TRANSPORTER
 
PICARD Here we are! Is this the right place?
RIKER Here's a promising looking building. Let's take a look.
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
 
DATA This is the Cotton Club. It appears we have beamed to the correct coordinates.
WESLEY C'mon, let's go in.
RIKER Damn, these high heels are hard to walk in.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
MUSIC: CAB CALLOWAY AND HIS ORCHESTRA PERFORMING "MINNIE THE MOOCHER" (BACKGROUND)
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WAITER Hello... may I... er.... help you...?
PICARD Yes, please.
WAITER Er... there's an open table right this way. Please sit down...
PICARD Thank you, but we just want to see Bojangles.
WAITER I'm sorry, sir, but he's not on yet, and if you want to come in here, you have to order something. Please have a seat.
PICARD Oh, is that how it works? Very well.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: CHAIRS MOVING
 
WAITER Now... what will you have?
PICARD Oh, we'll just have drinks for now.
WAITER Yes...?
PICARD Er... what is beer?
WAITER (IN DISBELIEF) What is beer?!
PICARD Well, I know what we mean by beer, but what is your beer? What is it made of?
WAITER I don't know... Do you want it or not?
PICARD All right, I'll try it.
WAITER What kind would you like?
PICARD Oh, is there more than one kind? I'll take whatever's convenient. Is Bojangles up there now?
WAITER No. And the rest of you want...?
DEANNA Uh, we'll just have what he's having, thank you.
PICARD How much do we need to pay?
WAITER Um, you don't have to pay yet.
PICARD I don't think we'll be ordering anything else. Just let me pay now.
WAITER Okay... that'll be fifty cents... or are you all paying separately?
PICARD Here you are.
WAITER (IN ASTONISHMENT) Sir, this is... fifty hundred dollar bills!
PICARD Yes... is it not valid currency?
WAITER Um... you just hold onto that for a moment, sir... I'll be right back.
NARRATOR The waiter goes to talk to one of the managers of the Cotton Club.
WAITER Boss, there's a group of very strange people sitting over by the stage.
BOSS Yeah? Are they giving you trouble?
WAITER No... I don't think so... Well, first of all, they tried to pay for their drinks in hundred dollar bills. And you should see the way they're dressed! One guy, the one with a beard, is dressed in a... a bright red evening gown. And the bald guy... he's wearing a lime green zoot-suit with maroon trim. And there's this one guy who's really, really pale, with sort of silvery -yellow skin and yellow eyes, and he's wearing a purple suit with a green bow tie and an orange top hat. And there's a woman with... with huge knees! She's wearing what looks like a bathrobe, and she has curlers in her hair. And there's another lady who's dressed like a cowboy. The teenager's wearing what looks like a suit of long underwear.
BOSS Hmmmm. Well, as long as they don't give you any trouble, just let them be. But if they start anything, I'll have some of the boys throw them out.
WAITER Okay...
NARRATOR The waiter returns to the crew's table with the beer that has been ordered.
SFX: BEER GLASSES THUMPING DOWN ON THE TABLE
 
WAITER Here you go, folks.
PICARD Ah, thank you. Here is your money...
WAITER Sir, I don't think we have change for that. Do you have anything smaller?
PICARD I'm sorry, but this is the only size that I have. But maybe I could trim them a bit.
THUG Jack, are these carnival people giving you trouble?
WAITER Uh, no sir, it's just that they don't have anything smaller than 100 dollar bills.
THUG Dat so? Where you mugs from?
DEANNA We're travelers. We're not from around here.
THUG No kiddin'? Well, do you folks know dat here in America, it's customary to tip yer waiter?
DATA Tip, sir?
THUG Yeah. If you t'ink yer waiter is a nice guy, see, and is doin' a good job, you let him keep the change. Dat's a tip. Den yer waiter will keep on bein' a nice guy.
PICARD What a quaint custom! Waiter, of course you may keep the change.
WAITER Thanks!!!
THUG Don't ferget to share dat later.
PICARD Oh, is Bojangles up there yet?
WAITER No, he's up next. Can I get you anything else?
PICARD No, thank you.
MUSIC: BACKGROUND MUSIC FADES
 
ANNOUNCER And now, Cab Calloway and his Orchestra with Don Redman and Bojangles Robinson will perform "Doin' the New Lowdown."
MUSIC: "DOIN' THE NEW LOWDOWN"
 
DATA (EXCITEDLY) Sir...!
PICARD Yes, I heard. Let's go talk to him.
NARRATOR Captain Picard and Data attempt to climb onto the stage. They are intercepted by an employee of the Cotton Club.
THUG Hey, you mugs! Get offa dat!
PICARD It is urgent that we speak to Bojangles.
THUG I'll send him to yer table after he's through with his number.
PICARD Oh, thank you; that's most kind of you.
NARRATOR Picard and Data return to their table to watch the show. Shortly afterwards, Bojangles approaches their table.
BOJANGLES You folks wanted to talk to me?
PICARD Yes, Dr. Bojangles. We need to see you about a most urgent matter: HER!
BOJANGLES NO!
SFX: CHAIR FALLING OVER
 
NARRATOR Cab Calloway and Don Redman hurry over to help their friend.
CAB Are these yarddogs sliding some off-time jive to you, Bill?
BOJANGLES What?
DON That is to say, are these clowns giving you trouble?
BOJANGLES Um, no... no. They're... uh... they... they're just visitors, from my... um... hometown.
DON I don't know what part of Virginia you're from, Bill, but folks sure don't dress like that in the part of Virginia I'm from.
DEANNA We're not from Virginia!
PICARD Please, Dr. Bojangles, we desperately need the cure for her condition. You're the only one who can help us.
CAB Doctor Bojangles???
BOJANGLES I don't do that stuff anymore. And besides, she won't thank me for it. Or you. Just send her back to Torgo IX.
PICARD But that's the problem! She's not from Torgo IX. She's our ship's doctor, and we need her back the way she was, before her shore leave.
BOJANGLES You folks are Starfleet?? Boy, they've sure changed the uniforms a lot since my day.
DEANNA These aren't our uniforms.
DATA That is correct. These are merely disguises to enable us to fit in with the people of this world.
PICARD None of that is important! What we need is the cure, or the formula for the cure. We can administer it to Dr. Crusher ourselves, and that way, you will not be placed in danger.
BOJANGLES I don't know...
CAB What is this jive?
PICARD Perhaps we should continue this discussion in your laboratory, Dr. Bojangles. This place is a bit... er... public.
BOJANGLES I don't have a laboratory!
PICARD But why not? How can you work as a biochemist without a laboratory?
BOJANGLES Like I said, I don't do that stuff anymore. Besides, the primitives that run this country don't let people my color be biochemists here. Not much.
PICARD How bizarre!
DEANNA Doctor, do you still remember the formula for the cure?
DON Say, Bill, that lady wouldn't happen to have something contagious, would she?
BOJANGLES I... I think I can remember it. If I write it down, do you promise you will leave me alone and never come back?
PICARD Of course, but we were thinking you might like to come back to the 24th Century with us.
BOJANGLES No way! I would rather deal with the primitives of this culture than be killed by my own people for trying to help them.
CAB 24th Century??? You folks are from the future?
DON I think they're some kind of space men.
WESLEY Like, we're both. From, like, the future and from space, I mean.
DON What's music going to be like, say, ten years from now?
DATA Let me access my data banks.
MUSIC: BRENT SPINER SINGING "EMBRACEABLE YOU"
 
DON That is what I feared.
PICARD Are you certain you don't wish to accompany us, Dr. Bojangles? We could use a man of your talents on board the Enterprise.
CAB Is that the name of your rocket ship? The Enterprise?
DON You cats don't suppose you could use a man of my talents on your rocket ship, do you? If music is going to sound like that, I don't see much point in sticking around this planet.
RIKER Actually, Captain, a decent band on the Enterprise would be a great improvement, sir.
DON If that's a yes, I'll see if I can get my band together.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message.
MUSIC: BELCHING, BANGING AND SCREAMING
 
CHEESY AD GUY Do you remember "Oh, Baby, Suck my Armpits"? Do you miss the wonderful old sounds of the twenty-three fifties?
BIMBO Gosh, yeah! I love that music!
CHEESY AD GUY Well, now's your chance to relive it all, for only 2999 galactic units! Hear old classics like "Oh, Baby, Do your Thing unto Me" with the Kaustix:
MUSIC: BELCHING, BANGING AND SCREAMING
 
CHEESY AD GUY Or, "Elevate My Porcupine, Baby" with the Hairy Fish-Heads:
MUSIC: BELCHING, BANGING AND SCREAMING
 
CHEESY AD GUY Or "Serenade of Angels" with the Flaverones:
MUSIC: BELCHING, BANGING AND SCREAMING
 
CHEESY AD GUY And even the 'fifties hit, "Shuttle-Craft Mama" with the Badd Klingonz:
MUSIC: BELCHING, BANGING AND SCREAMING
 
CHEESY AD GUY And many more! And you can have them all today by calling 1-800-OLDIE. That's 1-800-O-L-D-I-E.
BIMBO Wow, I'll call right away.
CHEESY AD GUY Money orders and credit cards accepted. 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. Bojangles supplies the Starfleet crew with the recipe for the Torgoism cure, under the condition that Picard and his crew never return. Don Redman manages to convince his band that they are going to an exciting new gig. Picard and his team, with the Don Redman band, beam aboard the Enterprise.
BAND MEMBER Don, where the hell are we?!?
DON Don't worry, boys. This gig is out of this world.
PICARD Ensign Piecewise, show these men around the Enterprise.
PIECEWISE Yes, sir.
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Mr. LaForge, take us back to the twenty-fourth century.
GEORDI Yes, sir!
PICARD Riker, Data, please go assist on the bridge. Deanna, Wesley, come with me. We had better get Dr. Crusher to sickbay.
NARRATOR In sickbay...
BONES I'm going to have to inject her with it.
PICARD Whatever it takes. Please just get it over with.
DR. CRUSHER Gck... ow! (IN A NORMAL VOICE) Oh... what did you do to me?! I feel just awful!
PICARD Doctor, you're cured!
DR. CRUSHER Cured?? But I feel terrible! How could you take that wonderful feeling away from me?
DEANNA Beverly, you were a Torgo!
DR. CRUSHER What's wrong with that?
WESLEY Aw, Mom! You were so weird! Weirder than usual, I mean.
PICARD And besides, Doctor, you were not really much good to us as a doctor in that condition.
DR. CRUSHER I don't care! I want you to make me a Torgo again!
PICARD Perhaps you should sedate her until she is feeling better, Dr. McCoy.
BONES Very well.
SFX: HYPOSPRAY
 
DR. CRUSHER Oh...
NARRATOR Later, Picard and Data discuss the situation in Ten Forward.
MUSIC: DON REDMAN AND HIS ORCHESTRA PLAYING "HOT AND ANXIOUS" IN THE BACKGROUND
 
PICARD Well, Data, Dr. Crusher is not happy, but at least she isn't a Torgo anymore.
DATA Yes, Captain. But there is one thing that still bothers me.
PICARD Why, what is it, dear?
DATA Well, sir, Dr. Crusher got the shnoogie-woogums virus from a Torgo.
PICARD Well, yes, of course she did. Why does that worry you?
DATA Sir, if the person she got it from was a Torgo, this means that he had already been cured of the shnoogie-woogums virus. That is how one becomes a Torgo.
PICARD Data, do you mean...
DATA Sir, I think that Dr. Crusher may still be a carrier!
PICARD Oh, my! Well, I'm sure that Dr. Bojangles must have taken that into account when he developed his cure. Otherwise, he would have warned us.
DATA You are probably correct, sir. I will not worry about it any longer.
NARRATOR Some time later, Picard, Data, Worf and Geordi are on the bridge.
PICARD Where is Riker?
GEORDI I don't know, sir.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
DATA Here he is.
RIKER (IN A SHNOOGIE-WOOGUMS VOICE) Ooooh! Yes! Yes! Here I am, here I am! I am on the little bridgie-widgie! And I see all the little shnoogie-woos, yes, I do!
PICARD Oh, no...
RIKER Oooh, Jeanie-Lukie is a little shnoogie-woogie! Yes! And Worfie is just the little cutie-poo!
WORF Grr! Get back!
PICARD Oh, Data... You were right...!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration!
All contents copyright © 1998 Brenna Lorenz, Megaera Lorenz, Malachi Pulte. All Rights Reserved.
Reproduction of any part of site without express permission is strictly prohibited.


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