| PICARD |
Captain's log: We were able to cure Commander Riker of the shnoogie-woogums
virus and the resulting Torgoism, with the aid of Dr. Bojangles's cure.
We are now trying to find a way to kill the latent shnoogie-woogums virus.
In addition, we have added new members to our crew: the early twentieth
century musician, Don Redman, and his orchestra. We are now docked at a
Starfleet outpost maintenance and repair station in the Caldorian sector
for minor hull damage that we received in the Solar System. |
| NARRATOR |
At the repair station, the Enterprise is subjected to a surprise inspection. |
| INSPECTOR |
Well, Captain, I have to congratulate you. This is the cleanest ship
I've ever seen. And, uh, frankly, Captain, we'd like to know your secret. |
| PICARD |
Well, thank you, but I don't know what you mean by "secret." |
| INSPECTOR |
Cockroaches, Captain! We didn't find a single one. Every starship,
starbase, and planet is infested with them, all except yours. We'd give
a lot to know how you do it. |
| PICARD |
Oh... well, I don't really know how we do it. I had never thought about
it before, but now that you mention it, I guess I haven't seen any cockroaches
on board since the first few months I was on the Enterprise. I suppose
you don't really think about them unless you see them. |
| INSPECTOR |
Well, if you figure it out, we'd appreciate it if you'd let us know. |
| PICARD |
I certainly will. |
| NARRATOR |
Following the repairs, the Enterprise crew is leaving the repair station
for the Starfleet medical research base in the Eldrekron system, when they
encounter a Klingon ship. |
| UHURA |
The Klingon vessel is hailing us, sir. |
| PICARD |
On screen. |
| KLINGON |
Captain Picard! We are considering taking this as an act of war! |
| PICARD |
What?! |
| DATA |
I do not understand. That is the second time that Puffie has been retrieved
from deep space after having been tossed out the air lock. The odds of
that happening even once are minute. The odds of it happening twice are
so small that I must conclude that it was not due to chance. |
| DON REDMAN |
Just who, or what, was that Puffie thing? |
| DATA |
Puffie is my brother. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, that's a real fraughty issue, gate. He's a dracula! |
| WORF |
This is ridiculous! Why can't we get rid of him?! |
| PICARD |
I must say, I don't understand how he keeps getting found. |
| DON REDMAN |
He's another one of those machines, isn't he? |
| PICARD |
Yes, he's a highly defective android. |
| DON REDMAN |
Maybe he sent out some kind of a signal. That's what I'd do. |
| RIKER |
What...? |
| PICARD |
Yes, that's it! Puffie must have a beacon! It's the only explanation! |
| NARRATOR |
Picard, Geordi, Data, and Dr. Crusher are examining Puffie in sickbay. |
| GEORDI |
Hmmm. I'm not sure what this is. Data, could you take a look at this
thing? |
| DATA |
Please do not ask me to examine Puffie's guts, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Data...! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Maybe that is a beacon. It doesn't look like ordinary cybernetic hardware
to me. (SIGHS) |
| PUFFIE |
Are you sad, Dr. Cwusher? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Yes, Puffie. I had perfect happiness once, but my colleagues saw fit
to cure me. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, Dr. Cwusher... |
| PICARD |
Beverly... |
| GEORDI |
Yes, this device is capable of variable-frequency and high-energy output.
It is some sort of beacon. I'm going to remove it... |
| PUFFIE |
I have a message... |
| LORE'S VOICE |
I see you have found Puffie's rescue beacon! How clever of you to have
figured it out. Now, don't go trying to remove it. Because if you do, you
will detonate a powerful nuclear device! Yes, Father, sweet little Puffie
is armed -- but only for his own protection! (EVIL LAUGHTER) |
| PICARD |
Oh, no! This is terrible! |
| PICARD |
Ambassador Spock, what a surprise! |
| SPOCK |
I was told I might find you here. I am here to ask a favor. |
| PICARD |
We would be happy to assist you, Ambassador. |
| SPOCK |
My offspring, Sock and Soredick, have recently graduated from Starfleet
Academy. I would like to request that they serve on the Enterprise. |
| PICARD |
I would be honored to have them. |
| SPOCK |
Thank you. Live long... and may the Force be with you. No, that is
not correct... |
| PICARD |
I believe it's "Live long and... and... follow the yellow brick road,"
or something like that. |
| SPOCK |
That is not logical! Live long and trust in the force! No, that isn't
right either. Something is seriously wrong, Captain. Vulcans have perfect
memories. |
| GEORDI |
The way I remember it, it's "Live long, and may prosperity be with
you." |
| SPOCK |
No. This loss of memory is not logical. Why cannot I remember this
most basic of Vulcan rituals? |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, will return after this message
from our sponsor. |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
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tube of Redox Nutra-Synth Breakfast Compound! I like to start my day with
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| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right. There's nothing in the Universe that's better, or better
for you! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
In fact, since nothing dies to make delicious Redox Nutra-Synth, there's
nothing in the Universe better for the Universe! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
There's no question that Redox Nutra-Synth is good enough for you.
The question is, are you good enough for Redox Nutra-Synth? |
| SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| PUFFIE |
Oh, boy! Maybe we can meet some new fwennie-wennies! |
| DON REDMAN |
It looks to me like their situation is sadder than a map. |
| RIKER |
If that means they're crashing, I think you're right. (SIGHS) |
| PICARD |
My God! They are crashing! |
| DATA |
What should we do, sir? |
| PICARD |
We must send out two teams. One to find Dr. Soong and one to assist
the crash victims. I must say, I don't think I've ever seen a ship of that
type before. |
| NARRATOR |
Later, the two teams beam down to the planet surface. Dr. Crusher,
Data, Worf, and Captain Picard beam down to the site of the crash to look
for survivors while a team of security officers searches for Dr. Soong. |
| PICARD |
What an odd-looking ship. At least it doesn't appear to be too badly
damaged. |
| DATA |
Captain, two mechanical devices are emerging from the ship. |
| WORF |
I believe they are a pair of robots, sir. |
| C-3PO |
Oh, dear. R2, this must be your fault. Just look at the mess we're
in! |
| R2-D2 |
Beep! Boop blaaaat. |
| C-3PO |
You watch your language! I say... who are those people? Hello, down
there! Can you help us, please? |
| PICARD |
Yes, that's what we're here to do. Please identify yourselves. |
| C-3PO |
I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. I am a protocol 'droid, fluent
in over sixty million forms of communication. All my facilities are at
your service. This is my counterpart, R2-D2. I know this is all R2's fault.
I told him not to tamper with the hyperdrive, but he just wouldn't listen.
You must help us! This is so terrible... Oh, dear, I do hope that
you are able to save Master Luke... |
| RIKER |
Great. He talks almost as much as Data. |
| DATA |
I do not believe that to be an accurate statement. |
| PICARD |
Well, don't start an argument now. Let's go in. |
| NARRATOR |
The Enterprise's team enters the crashed ship. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(SIGHS) Well, I'm picking up five life signs. They're unconscious,
but not badly hurt. |
| WORF |
I believe I have found someone. |
| C-3PO |
Oh, that's Master Luke. You can save him, can't you? Oh, dear... |
| DATA |
Here is another. |
| C-3PO |
Oh! Captain Solo! |
| PICARD |
Ah. The captain of this vessel. And here's another. |
| C-3PO |
Princess Leia! You must help her; she is Master Luke's sister. |
| RIKER |
Here are two others. I don't recognize these life-forms. |
| C-3PO |
Those are Master Yoda and Chewbacca. |
| PICARD |
How curious. Well, I suppose we'll be finding out about them soon enough.
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, twelve to beam up. |
| C-3PO |
Oh! (FADE) |
| R2-D2 |
Ooooowow! (FADE) |
| NARRATOR |
The injured crew of the spacecraft are brought to the Enterprise sickbay.
Dr. Crusher and Dr. McCoy examine them while Don Redman, Geordi LaForge,
Captain Picard, Data, and C-3PO look on. Don Redman notices Yoda. |
| DON REDMAN |
Oh, man! Feast your glims on that green faust! That is one frompy queen. |
| PICARD |
I beg your pardon? |
| DON REDMAN |
That is to say, that's the ugliest woman I've ever seen! |
| PICARD |
Woman?! |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, I think so... |
| PICARD |
I... I don't believe that's a woman. At least, I hope not... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Actually, according to my tricorder, he's right. This is a very old
human female. |
| PICARD |
Human?! |
| BONES |
I don't believe it! Your tricorder must be broken. Here, let me try
mine. |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message. |
| CHEESY GUY |
Say, honey, could you bring me a beer? |
| CHEESY LADY |
Coming right up, dear. (IN ECHO VOICE) Ralph always insists on fresh
beer, but that's too expensive! I'm going to give him Fletcher Paste Fermentation
Concentrate and see if he notices. |
| CHEESY GUY |
Say, this is good! It tastes like it's fresh from the brewery! What
brand did you say this is, honey? |
| CHEESY LADY |
It's freshly mixed Fletcher Paste Fermentation Concentrate, dear. |
| CHEESY GUY |
I don't believe it! How can concentrate taste this good? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
That's right! Made from a blend of the finest products grown in our
vats around the galaxy, Fletcher Paste Fermentation Concentrate tastes
so good, you won't believe it's not real beer! |
| CHEESY LADY |
Cheers, honey! |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. The strangers from the other ship have
awakened, and are trying to make sense of the situation. |
| HAN SOLO |
Just where the hell are we? And who are you people? |
| PICARD |
We might ask the same of you. |
| HAN SOLO |
Are you part of some branch of the Empire? |
| PICARD |
Empire? |
| DATA |
We are part of Starfleet. |
| LUKE |
I don't understand. How did we get here? |
| HAN SOLO |
I don't know, kid. |
| GEORDI |
Can you describe what happened just before your ship crashed? |
| HAN SOLO |
We had just made the jump to hyperspace, and when we came out of light
speed, there was this planet right in front of us. The gravitational force
pulled us right in. |
| LEIA |
That's right, some strange planet just hopped right out in front of
you. |
| HAN SOLO |
Well, it did! I know I made the calculations right... there weren't
supposed to be any planets there! |
| YODA |
Ruh... heh... I sense a disturbance in the Force. Yes, heh! In a different
universe are we! |
| LUKE |
But. Master Yoda... that's impossible! |
| PICARD |
Another universe! But how... |
| PICARD |
Ah, Dr. Soong! Have you had any luck with Puffie? |
| DR. SOONG |
No, I haven't. I don't know what you expected, anyway. If I could have
fixed him, why the hell do you think I would have sent him to you? |
| PICARD |
Well, I... |
| YODA |
Wooh! Sexy are you! |
| DR. SOONG |
Hey! Stay back! |
| LUKE |
Yoda! I didn't know you were homosexual! |
| YODA |
Heh? What? Homosexual? Female am I! Your mother am I! |
| LUKE |
What?!!! |
| YODA |
Yes... Your mother am I. So strong in the Force am I, that gone through
menopause I have not. |
| LUKE |
(ANGUISHED) Noooooooo!!!! It's not truuuuuuue! It's impossible! |
| LEIA |
Yoda is... is Luke's mother?! Oh, my God! That means that she's...
she's my mother, too! That can't be right! I remember my mother! |
| YODA |
Heh... your foster mother that was. |
| LEIA |
Noooooo! It's not truuuue! |
| HAN SOLO |
Well, you know what they say: If you wanna know what a girl's gonna
look like when she's old, take a look at her mother! |
| LEIA |
Why... you... |
| YODA |
Heh... come, come, you sexy one. Come with me you must... |
| DR. SOONG |
No! Hey! You can't do this to me! Put me down! You can't levitate me!
Hey! Where are you taking me? Put me down, I say! Hey... |
| DATA |
I believe that the green woman wishes to function with my father. Perhaps
I must reassess my earlier estimation of Father's sexual attractiveness. |
| DON REDMAN |
I suspect you had it right the first time. |
| R2-D2 |
Wee-wooooo! |
| C-3PO |
R2! That is not appropriate! We haven't even been introduced yet. |
| DATA |
I cannot understand his vocalizations. What was his meaning? |
| C-3PO |
You must forgive him! He's only an R2 unit! |
| DATA |
But what was his meaning? |
| C-3PO |
Oh, dear! He says that you have a nice ass. |
| DATA |
Unfortunately, I am unable to return the compliment. The R2 unit does
not appear to have an ass. |
| R2-D2 |
Deet-deet-doo! |
| C-3PO |
R2! I can't imagine that painting an ass on yourself would make you
attractive to him. Besides, I doubt seriously that your hardware is compatible
with his. Or your software, for that matter. |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later, Dr. Soong and Yoda encounter Geordi, Riker, Picard,
and the rest of the guests from the other universe in Ten Forward. |
| DR. SOONG |
(WHISTLING TO HIMSELF AND MUTTERING) Wow! Heh, heh, heh. |
| RIKER |
(GLUMLY) Well, you sure look happy. |
| DR. SOONG |
Well, you know, Yoda may not look like much, but... man, is she good!
Heh, heh... |
| YODA |
Ruh, heh, yes! When nine hundred years old you be, know a few
tricks you will, too! |
| HAN SOLO |
Look, Yoda, we've got to get back to our own universe. Can't you use
your "incredible powers" to get us out of this dump? The beer here stinks! |
| YODA |
Very difficult that will be. |
| LUKE |
I don't wanna go back! This universe has more babes! Besides, all the
human women in my universe seem to be related to me. |
| YODA |
Go back you must! Your destiny it is. |
| LUKE |
It just isn't fair! Everyone's always telling me about my destiny. |
| PICARD |
Before we attempt anything, we should try to repair Captain Solo's
ship. |
| GEORDI |
I think Data's already gotten a good start on that. He's been down
at the crash site for hours. He finds it fascinating. |
| PICARD |
Yes, the technology of another universe would be fascinating. |
| HAN SOLO |
Well, he'd better be careful with her, that's all I can say. If he's
not, I'll sic Leia's mom on him. |
| LEIA |
Han!! |
| HAN SOLO |
What? She is your mom... |
| LEIA |
Well, Chewie's probably your mother. |
| HAN SOLO |
Chewie's male! |
| LUKE |
No, she isn't! Er, I mean... |
| HAN SOLO |
What the heck...? |
| LUKE |
Nothing! |
| HAN SOLO |
Chewie... what's going on here? |
| CHEWBACCA |
Grrrr. Rooo-row. Nguuur! |
| HAN SOLO |
What?! You're a babe? And you never told me? I could have had a girlfriend
all that time and I never knew it! |
| CHEWBACCA |
Grrrow. Errow! |
| HAN SOLO |
I'm "not your style!" Well, thanks a lot! What's Luke got that I haven't
got?? |
| CHEWBACCA |
Nguur. |
| HAN SOLO |
He's cute??! I don't believe this... |
| LEIA |
What the hell is wrong with the girlfriend you've got?? |
| PICARD |
Now, don't start fighting! We have to figure out a way of getting you
all back to your own universe. For that matter, we have to figure out
how you got into this one! |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message. |
| KLINGON BABE |
Well, ladies, it's Klingon mating season again! Are you sure you're
ready? You'd better be, because I am... with Weasel Moan, the new Redox
scent designed especially for Klingons. Weasel Moan is a special blend
of pheromones, mercaptans, sulfides, and Klingon secretions that has been
scientifically formulated to combine with your own natural body chemistry
to drive a male into a mating frenzy! |
| KLINGON MALE |
Hroowarrr! |
| KLINGON BABE |
Weasel Moan for Klingons. Because, if he's not in the mood, you won't
get screwed! |
| KLINGON SINGERS |
Making things better -- Redox! |
| NARRATOR |
While Captain Picard tries to convince Q to send the guests back to
their own universe, Geordi LaForge, Chewbacca and Han Solo join Data on
the downed ship, the Millennium Falcon. |
| HAN SOLO |
Where the hell are those 'droids? I could use R2's help with these
repairs. |
| CHEWBACCA |
Grroww! Eroo! |
| HAN SOLO |
Yeah, that Enterprise is so damn big, I didn't even know where to start
looking for them, either. |
| GEORDI |
Well, I guess we should find out what Data's been working on all this
time. (CALLING) Data? Where are you? |
| DATA |
I am in here, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Come on, let's go see how he's doing. |
| GEORDI |
(APPALLED) Data! What are you doing?!! That was a cockroach! You just
ate a cockroach! |
| DATA |
I know, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
But... Data... |
| DATA |
Forgive me, Geordi... I forgot to share it with you. Let me catch another
one, all for you. |
| GEORDI |
No!!! Data, I don't want a cockroach! That's disgusting! |
| DATA |
You are mistaken, Geordi. There exists nothing more appealing for both
flavor and texture. |
| HAN SOLO |
Texture? |
| GEORDI |
Don't ask... I don't want to know... |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain Solo. Cockroaches have the delightful juxtaposition of
a crunchy outside and a creamy interior. And if you are careful in removing
the carapace, you can enjoy the exquisite sensation of malpighian tubules
wriggling and writhing on your tongue... |
| GEORDI |
Data, why do you eat cockroaches? I thought you didn't have
to eat anything! |
| DATA |
It is part of my programming, Geordi. And I use them to replenish certain
trace elements. Ah, look, there is another. This ship is full of them! |
| HAN SOLO |
Help yourself! |
| GEORDI |
Oog! |
| NARRATOR |
After the repairs are made, Geordi, Han Solo and Chewbacca return to
the Enterprise, where Geordi confronts Dr. Soong. |
| GEORDI |
Did you know that Data eats cockroaches? He says it's part of his programming. |
| DR. SOONG |
Yeah, all my androids do that. I had programmed them to eliminate cockroaches
upon detection, but not specifically to eat them. You could say it's a,
heh heh, "bug" in their programming, but I haven't bothered to try to correct
it. It seems minor enough. |
| GEORDI |
But it's disgusting! |
| DR. SOONG |
So don't watch! |
| GEORDI |
Ugh! Well, I guess it explains why we haven't seen a roach on this
ship in so many years. I'll have to tell the captain. He was asking about
that just the other day. |
| DR. SOONG |
See? It's not such a bad thing. |
| C-3PO |
Oh, dear, this ship is so confusing! I thought we would never find
you, what with all those corridors and this stupid bucket of bolts taking
all the wrong turns. |
| R2-D2 |
Beep-pooweeoo! |
| C-3PO |
Oh, don't be ridiculous. |
| PICARD |
What did he say? |
| C-3PO |
He says that he wants to stay here. He's become infatuated with one
of the 'droids on board your ship, and frankly, I don't know what R2 sees
in him. |
| GEORDI |
Not Data...? |
| C-3PO |
No, the other one. Puffie. |
| PICARD |
Puffie?! |
| R2-D2 |
Beep-boop! |
| C-3PO |
He says he'll only go back if he can take Puffie with him. He's ever
so stubborn about this sort of thing. |
| PICARD |
I think that's an excellent idea! |
| Q |
Oh, no. That would never do. Puffie is too much fun right where he
is. |
| HAN SOLO |
Who the hell is Puffie? |
| PUFFIE |
Here I am, evewybody! I wanna give evewyone a great big hug! Oh, hello,
R2! You're my special li'l fwennie-wennie. |
| R2-D2 |
Bweep-Booweoow! |
| PICARD |
That is Puffie, Captain Solo. |
| HAN SOLO |
God! I have to agree with the Q guy. That 'droid should definitely
stay here! |
| LUKE |
What kind of 'droid is that, anyway? |
| LEIA |
And I used to think 3PO was annoying... |
| R2-D2 |
Berrep-bweep booooo! |
| C-3PO |
R2, I really don't think you're in any kind of position to insist on
anything! |
| PICARD |
Puffie, do you not wish to go home with your new friend? |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, I really wuv my new widdle fwiend, but I wuv my Ennerpwithe famiwy,
too... |
| PICARD |
Puffie, wouldn't you like to see another universe? |
| PUFFIE |
I dunno... I haven't theen all a' this one, yet! |
| Q |
Well, that sounds like an answer for you! Puffie doesn't want to go! |
| PICARD |
Q... |
| Q |
Besides, I need Puffie here. That Lore has shown genius beyond my wildest
expectations. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I will send the others
back. Of course, there will be a price... |
| PICARD |
What is the price? |
| Q |
(EVIL LAUGHTER) That's for me to know and you to find out! |
