| PICARD |
Captain's Log: the visitors from the other universe have been returned
to their own universe by Q, unfortunately without Puffie, but Q has promised
to exact a price for their return, about which we are all rather concerned.
In the meantime, we have succeeded in getting rid of the latent shnoogie-woogums
virus in Dr. Crusher and Commander Riker. |
| NARRATOR |
The Enterprise is visited by Ambassador Spock and his twin children,
Sock and Soredick. |
| SPOCK |
Permission to come aboard, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Ah, granted, Ambassador Spock. It is an honor to have the children
of such a distinguished person as yourself as ensigns on my ship. |
| SOCK |
Greetings, I am Sock. |
| SOREDICK |
And I am Soredick. We will endeavor to fulfill our tasks as Starfleet
ensigns with the utmost diligence. |
| PICARD |
I'm sure you'll succeed. |
| SOCK |
We have now been assigned to our first starship. This requires a ritual. |
| PICARD |
A ritual?? |
| SOCK |
Yes. I need a bathrobe, a dead cat, some candles, and a gong. |
| PICARD |
Er... well, Data has a cat, but I don't think he wants it dead. |
| SPOCK |
I must be on my way, Captain. Live long and prosper. |
| PICARD |
Thank you, Ambassador Spock. |
| NARRATOR |
After the departure of Ambassador Spock, various members of the Enterprise's
crew attempt to figure out what "price" Q has in store for them. Dr. Crusher,
Counselor Troi, Uhura and Guinan discuss the matter in Ten Forward. |
| DEANNA |
You know, I've noticed that my panties have been disappearing, especially
the frilly ones. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Mine too! |
| UHURA |
You know, I've noticed the same thing. |
| GUINAN |
Ditto. |
| DEANNA |
Do you suppose that's the price Q was talking about? |
| UHURA |
It doesn't seem likely. I'd think he'd do something more dramatic. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, I've been on edge ever since he left. |
| DON REDMAN |
What gives, ladies? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Hi, Don, Not too much. We were just wondering what Q's going to pull
on us. |
| DON REDMAN |
The only thing I've noticed is that the guys in my band want to go
home, but that's nothing new. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in another part of Ten Forward, Data and Picard share a
table. |
| PICARD |
Data, Geordi told me right before Q left that you eat cockroaches!
Is that true? |
| DATA |
Oh, yes, Captain! They are most delicious. You must try them. |
| PICARD |
God! I can't believe that I've kissed a man who eats cockroaches! |
| DATA |
I have cleaned my oral cavity since the last time I consumed any cockroaches,
sir. |
| PICARD |
But still! Every time I kiss you now I'm going to think of all those
little feelers! |
| DATA |
There is Father. Let us ask him how his work on Puffie is progressing. |
| PICARD |
Dr. Soong! What have you accomplished so far? |
| DR. SOONG |
Not a damned thing! I just keep getting those messages. Don't
you have an engineer on this ship who can help me disarm the nuclear device? |
| PICARD |
Of course. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Mr. LaForge? |
| GEORDI |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yeah, what? |
| PICARD |
Dr. Soong requests your assistance. |
| GEORDI |
What's that old failure doing here? I thought he was dead. |
| PICARD |
I beg your pardon? Mr. LaForge, come and assist Dr. Soong! |
| GEORDI |
With what? I'm busy! |
| PICARD |
Just make it so! |
| NARRATOR |
Geordi LaForge, Data, Captain Picard and Dr. Soong proceed to sick-bay. |
| PUFFIE |
Hi, Mister Goerdi-Wordi! |
| GEORDI |
God! What is that thing?!? |
| DATA |
Geordi... You know Puffie! |
| GEORDI |
What are you doing calling me Geordi, machine? It's Mr. LaForge to
the likes of you. |
| DATA |
But... |
| GEORDI |
What the hell is this thing, Captain? |
| PICARD |
Geordi... this is Puffie. You know, Data's brother, the one we have
had with us for months now. |
| GEORDI |
Well, Jesus Christ, get rid of it! It's not as if we need another robot
around here, but especially one like that! |
| DATA |
But, Geordi... I thought you did not want to dispose of Puffie. |
| GEORDI |
Well, that just shows how well you robots "think." And I already told
you, it's Mr. LaForge! |
| PICARD |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR, URGENTLY) Counselor Troi... something is terribly
wrong with Mr. LaForge! |
| GEORDI |
Hi, Data. How far has your dad gotten in his work? |
| DATA |
May I respectfully remind you that Dr. Soong is deceased, Mr. LaForge. |
| GEORDI |
But Data... how can that be? He's here on the ship with us! |
| DATA |
I must point out that this is highly unlikely, Mr. LaForge. |
| GEORDI |
Data... why do you keep calling me Mr. LaForge? |
| DATA |
Because you insist on it, sir. |
| GEORDI |
No, I don't! |
| DATA |
I do not wish to contradict you, sir, but you have always told me to
call you Mr. LaForge in the past. However, if you wish me to call you otherwise,
I shall do so. |
| GEORDI |
Data, you're acting really strange... are you all right? |
| DATA |
I believe so, Mr. LaForge, but I thank you for your concern. |
| PICARD |
Data, if you're not too busy, would you please set course for the Ektoron
system? Forgive me if I'm imposing; I do hate to be a bother... |
| DATA |
Course set, sir. |
| GEORDI |
But, sir... shouldn't we return Dr. Soong to Omicron Theta before we
leave this system? |
| PICARD |
Dr. Soong? Oh... I'm very sorry, Mr. LaForge, but he died years ago.
I thought you knew. |
| GEORDI |
But he's on the ship! He's been working on Puffie for the last few
days... I just saw him yesterday. What's going on here? |
| PICARD |
Puffie? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah! You know, Data's brother! The cute one! |
| DATA |
May I respectfully remind you that I have only one surviving brother,
Lore, and, although I may be mistaken, I do not believe that "cute" would
be the correct word to apply to him. |
| GEORDI |
Look, I'd better go see the Counselor. I think I'm going nuts or something.
Either that, or everyone else is. |
| PICARD |
To the Counselor?!? Oh, my! |
| NARRATOR |
While Picard negotiates with Q, the Geordi LaForge from the parallel
universe encounters Wesley attempting to break into Commander Riker's quarters. |
| GEORDI |
What are you doing, kid? |
| WESLEY |
Uh... nothing. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, right. You're trying to break in, aren't you? |
| WESLEY |
Uh... |
| GEORDI |
What do you want in his quarters, anyway? |
| WESLEY |
Er... |
| GEORDI |
C'mon, 'fess up, kid. |
| WESLEY |
Well, I saw him go in there with some, you know... magazines. |
| GEORDI |
What, that nerd??? Are you sure they weren't golf magazines? |
| WESLEY |
Commander Riker? A nerd? Like, what universe have you been in all these
years? Commander Riker is, like, the coolest! |
| GEORDI |
Well, if you say so. Here, you've been going about this all wrong.
I'll get you in there. |
| WESLEY |
(IN A WHISPER) Oh, my god! He's putting on Mom's underwear! |
| GEORDI |
(IN A WHISPER) Oh, boy, am I going to have fun with this! I never suspected! |
| WESLEY |
(IN A WHISPER) Like, me either! Wait 'til I tell Mom! |
| NARRATOR |
At the first opportunity, Wesley and Geordi escape from Riker's quarters.
They encounter Dr. Crusher and Deanna in Ten Forward. |
| WESLEY |
Hey, Mom! Guess what we saw! We saw Commander Riker wearing your underwear! |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, he looks precious in pink lace! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
What are you two talking about? |
| DEANNA |
I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this here. |
| GEORDI |
(SNORTING) I guess if you're too much of a nerd to get a woman, the
nest best thing is their underwear. But I swear, I never thought Riker
even looked at women. All I've ever heard him talk about are golf, ski
wax and cameras. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Geordi, you're not making any sense. |
| DEANNA |
He's not really Geordi, Beverly. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Now you're not making any sense. |
| WESLEY |
Mom! Don't you believe me? Why don't you go and, like, ask him? For
your underwear back, I mean. |
| DEANNA |
Geordi, keep your hands off me! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in Deanna's quarters... |
| DEANNA |
Will, young Wesley told us that you were wearing Dr. Crusher's underwear!
Do you have my underwear, too? |
| RIKER |
I... I... uh... |
| DEANNA |
It's all right, Will, you can tell me. |
| RIKER |
Well, that... that... just isn't true! How can he say that? |
| DEANNA |
I know it's the truth, Will. I can tell. |
| RIKER |
No! I didn't... |
| DEANNA |
Will... |
| RIKER |
Okay, okay! I... I confess! During the trip to the Cotton Club, when
I wore that dress... I... I found that frilly women's undergarments really...
stimulate me. |
| DEANNA |
I understand, Will, but will you please just give me back my underwear? |
| RIKER |
Uh... it's kind of stretched out. |
| DEANNA |
Oh... well... you can keep it, then. Just don't take any more, if you
don't mind. I'm running kind of low on panties, and with the replicator
broken, I won't be able to get more any time soon. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in the other universe, Geordi LaForge has gone to see the
Counselor. |
| GEORDI |
Hi, Counselor, I... |
| DEANNA |
Ah! You need counseling! |
| GEORDI |
Yeah... that's why I'm here. |
| DEANNA |
Ah, good. I was getting so lonely... nobody ever wants to come
and get counseled. |
| GEORDI |
Well, you see, I'm feeling really weird. I... |
| DEANNA |
Oh, I'll fix that! |
| DATA |
(UNCOMFORTABLY) Mr. LaForge, sir. Do you request my assistance? |
| GEORDI |
No... well, not really, I mean. Data, there is something really weird
going on around here. |
| DATA |
If I have caused something to go awry, I will gladly attend to it,
sir. |
| GEORDI |
Data, I'm not blaming you for anything! I'm just trying to figure out
what's going on around here! Everyone is acting so strange... say, wait
a minute. Data, let me ask you something. |
| DATA |
Certainly, sir. |
| GEORDI |
What did the bug say to the windshield, Data? |
| DATA |
May I respectfully remind you that bugs are not capable of articulation,
sir. |
| GEORDI |
Now I know something is wrong! Data, either I'm going crazy or I'm
in some kind of a parallel universe! |
| DATA |
A parallel universe, sir? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah! |
| RIKER |
Hi, Data! |
| DATA |
Greetings. |
| GEORDI |
Hey, Will, how are you? |
| RIKER |
Oh, uh... hi, Mr. LaForge. I'm okay, I guess. Say, Data, did I tell
you about my last round of golf? |
| DATA |
No, sir. |
| RIKER |
Well, I had my Platinum-2000 driver, and I made a hole in one in the
first round! You shoulda seen it! |
| GEORDI |
Golf? |
| RIKER |
Well, yeah. |
| GEORDI |
Will, I didn't know you played golf. |
| RIKER |
Sure, I do. I live for golf. What else is there? |
| GEORDI |
Well... what about women? |
| RIKER |
(GUFFAWING) Aw, Geordi, quit joshin' me! You know I'm not good with
the girls, like you are. |
| GEORDI |
All right, that settles it. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) LaForge to Captain
Picard, I'd like to meet with you and the rest of the crew in the conference
room. We've got a serious problem. |
| NARRATOR |
While our Geordi attempts to make sense of his situation in the strange
parallel universe, Picard in our universe bargains with Q. |
| PICARD |
Listen, Q, we've paid your price, you've had your fun; now give us
back our own Geordi! |
| Q |
Tsk, tsk! You people are no fun at all. |
| PICARD |
Q... |
| Q |
Well, all right. I'm a nice guy, so I'll do it for you... if you're
willing to do something for me in return. |
| PICARD |
(SIGHS) I suppose you'll probably want us to entertain you by participating
in one of your fantasy games. |
| DATA |
I do not wish to play Friar Tuck again. I do not believe that a tonsure
is very flattering to my appearance. |
| Q |
No, I'm tired of that game. I have something else in mind... something
very simple. |
| PICARD |
Well...? |
| Q |
I want you to give me a ride. |
| PICARD |
A ride??! |
| Q |
Yes, a ride. |
| PICARD |
What on earth do you need with a ride when you can just snap your fingers
and go anywhere you want? |
| Q |
Well, sometimes I just want to try doing things the way you humans
do them. Just give me a ride to the coordinates I specify, and I'll give
you back your Geordi. Fair enough? |
| PICARD |
What are those coordinates? |
| Q |
There they are, Captain. |
| PICARD |
Is there anything at those coordinates that might endanger the Enterprise
or her crew? |
| Q |
What do you take me for, some kind of brute? Of course not. |
| DATA |
Captain, I believe that these are the coordinates to which... |
| Q |
Ah-ah, Data, no telling! If you tell, the deal is off. |
| PICARD |
Data, do you know of something at those coordinates that will endanger
us? |
| DATA |
(AFTER A PAUSE) No, sir. |
| PICARD |
Oh, very well. Just let us return Dr. Soong to his laboratory on the
planet. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in the other universe, Geordi, Picard, Data, Riker, Worf
and Dr. Crusher meet in the conference room. |
| GEORDI |
Listen, guys, I think I'm in the wrong universe, and we need to figure
out a way to get me back. |
| PICARD |
But... why do you think that? |
| GEORDI |
Well, for one thing, nobody seems to know anything about what's been
going on in the last few days. And, for another thing... you're all acting
so strange! And... |
| TASHA YAR |
Hi, am I late? |
| GEORDI |
That's another thing... Tasha's been dead for years in my universe. |
| TASHA YAR |
What are you talking about? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, wherever you come from, we much prefer you to our original Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Why? Am I an asshole in this universe or something? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, to put it bluntly, yes. We'd be happy if you'd stay. |
| GEORDI |
Thanks for the offer, but I really think I'd rather go back to my own
universe. It's really creepy to see you all acting so different. In my
universe, Captain Picard is much more... authoritative. |
| PICARD |
Oh, I would hate to be harsh. I prefer a benevolent approach. |
| GEORDI |
Well, I wouldn't say you were harsh, exactly, but... you're just more
authoritative. And Riker... well, I don't want to offend you, Will, but
in my universe Riker is a real stud! You know, a lady's man. And Worf!
It's so unnerving to see him doing ballet steps in the corridors. Your
Worf is a vegetarian, for god's sake! Oh, and the Counselor in my universe
acts really different from the one in your universe. |
| PICARD |
You mean she doesn't tackle people in the halls? |
| GEORDI |
No! And, in my universe, Data is my best friend and he calls me Geordi. |
| DATA |
I have been instructed not to do so on numerous occasions by your counterpart
from this universe. |
| GEORDI |
And Data has his emotion chip, and tells really bad jokes, and everyone
suspects that Data and Captain Picard have this romantic thing going. |
| DATA |
Romantic thing? |
| PICARD |
Oh... well, I have no desire whatsoever to become romantically involved
with Mr. Data. No offense to you, Mr. Data. |
| DATA |
None taken, sir. My sentiments about you are the same. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, in our universe, Dr. Soong has been safely returned to his
own planet, and the Enterprise proceeds to the coordinates specified by
Q. Captain Picard, Data, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Lt. Commander
Worf, and Q are on the bridge. |
| DATA |
Curious. I was not aware that there was a planet here. |
| PICARD |
It is a very dark planet. |
| Q |
Yes, it certainly is! |
| PICARD |
And look at those ice caps. They're the strangest yellow color. Mr.
Data, perform a chemical analysis of-- |
| Q |
No, no! That would spoil everything. Let's just go into orbit, Captain,
and you, Data, Will, Worf, and the Counselor will take me down in a shuttle
craft. |
| PICARD |
In a shuttle craft! Why can't we just beam you down? |
| Q |
Because I don't want to be beamed down! If I wanted to get down there
instantaneously, I could do it myself. I just want to see what it's like
to ride in a shuttle craft. |
| PICARD |
(SIGHS) Well, all right. Enter standard orbit, Mr. Data. |
| DATA |
Entering standard orbit now, sir. |
| PICARD |
All right, let's get this over with. |
| NARRATOR |
The crew members selected by Q proceed to the shuttle craft docking
bays, and are accosted by Puffie along the way. |
| PUFFIE |
Hello, evewybody! Where're you goin', huh? |
| PICARD |
We are giving Q a ride, Puffie. Now go back to your quarters. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, I wanna go wiff you! |
| PICARD |
No! |
| Q |
Oh, why not, Jean-Luc? Give the poor guy a break. |
| PICARD |
(INDISCERNIBLE MUTTERING) |
| PUFFIE |
Pweathe??!! |
| PICARD |
Fine, but stay out of the way. |
| PUFFIE |
Oh, boy, oh, boy! I get to go on a ride wiff big bwudder Data, and
Mister Q! I wanna give you a big huggie-wuggie, Mister Q! |
| PICARD |
That's right, Puffie, give Q a nice hug. |
| Q |
I wouldn't advise encouraging him, Captain. |
