Star Tricked - the Next Perpetration

Episode 6: Geordi LaForgery
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which we learn Q's price for sending the visitors back to their own universe, meet Spock's twin children, and find out something interesting about Will Riker.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD Shh! Be very, very quiet! I am going to do the boldly go thing while Data is busy on the bridge. Now... Space... the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to boldly go where no man has ever gone before! Ha-ha-ha ha!!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: QUICK FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Sir! Did you... say the introduction without me?!
PICARD Well, uh...
DATA You did! Sir, how could you?
PICARD Data, I...
DATA And I am sure you must have done it incorrectly... I am quite distressed by your action, Captain.
PICARD But, Data darling... I only wanted to say it that way just once...
DATA Sir, we must be accurate and tactful!
PICARD All right! I give up! I give up! You're impossible!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Inc. And now, a word from our sponsor.
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SFX: GRINK!
 
LURSA So don't be left out... buy new Redox Socket Sprocket today.
KLINGON MALE Gruraow!
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's Log: the visitors from the other universe have been returned to their own universe by Q, unfortunately without Puffie, but Q has promised to exact a price for their return, about which we are all rather concerned. In the meantime, we have succeeded in getting rid of the latent shnoogie-woogums virus in Dr. Crusher and Commander Riker.
NARRATOR The Enterprise is visited by Ambassador Spock and his twin children, Sock and Soredick.
SPOCK Permission to come aboard, Captain.
PICARD Ah, granted, Ambassador Spock. It is an honor to have the children of such a distinguished person as yourself as ensigns on my ship.
SOCK Greetings, I am Sock.
SOREDICK And I am Soredick. We will endeavor to fulfill our tasks as Starfleet ensigns with the utmost diligence.
PICARD I'm sure you'll succeed.
SOCK We have now been assigned to our first starship. This requires a ritual.
PICARD A ritual??
SOCK Yes. I need a bathrobe, a dead cat, some candles, and a gong.
PICARD Er... well, Data has a cat, but I don't think he wants it dead.
SPOCK I must be on my way, Captain. Live long and prosper.
PICARD Thank you, Ambassador Spock.
NARRATOR After the departure of Ambassador Spock, various members of the Enterprise's crew attempt to figure out what "price" Q has in store for them. Dr. Crusher, Counselor Troi, Uhura and Guinan discuss the matter in Ten Forward.
DEANNA You know, I've noticed that my panties have been disappearing, especially the frilly ones.
DR. CRUSHER Mine too!
UHURA You know, I've noticed the same thing.
GUINAN Ditto.
DEANNA Do you suppose that's the price Q was talking about?
UHURA It doesn't seem likely. I'd think he'd do something more dramatic.
DR. CRUSHER Well, I've been on edge ever since he left. 
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 
DON REDMAN What gives, ladies?
DR. CRUSHER Hi, Don, Not too much. We were just wondering what Q's going to pull on us.
DON REDMAN The only thing I've noticed is that the guys in my band want to go home, but that's nothing new.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in another part of Ten Forward, Data and Picard share a table.
PICARD Data, Geordi told me right before Q left that you eat cockroaches! Is that true?
DATA Oh, yes, Captain! They are most delicious. You must try them.
PICARD God! I can't believe that I've kissed a man who eats cockroaches!
DATA I have cleaned my oral cavity since the last time I consumed any cockroaches, sir.
PICARD But still! Every time I kiss you now I'm going to think of all those little feelers!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA There is Father. Let us ask him how his work on Puffie is progressing.
PICARD Dr. Soong! What have you accomplished so far?
DR. SOONG Not a damned thing!  I just keep getting those messages. Don't you have an engineer on this ship who can help me disarm the nuclear device?
PICARD Of course. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Mr. LaForge?
GEORDI (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Yeah, what?
PICARD Dr. Soong requests your assistance.
GEORDI What's that old failure doing here? I thought he was dead.
PICARD I beg your pardon? Mr. LaForge, come and assist Dr. Soong!
GEORDI With what? I'm busy!
PICARD Just make it so!
NARRATOR Geordi LaForge, Data, Captain Picard and Dr. Soong proceed to sick-bay.
PUFFIE Hi, Mister Goerdi-Wordi!
GEORDI God! What is that thing?!?
DATA Geordi... You know Puffie!
GEORDI What are you doing calling me Geordi, machine? It's Mr. LaForge to the likes of you.
DATA But...
GEORDI What the hell is this thing, Captain?
PICARD Geordi... this is Puffie. You know, Data's brother, the one we have had with us for months now.
GEORDI Well, Jesus Christ, get rid of it! It's not as if we need another robot around here, but especially one like that!
DATA But, Geordi... I thought you did not want to dispose of Puffie.
GEORDI Well, that just shows how well you robots "think." And I already told you, it's Mr. LaForge!
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR, URGENTLY) Counselor Troi... something is terribly wrong with Mr. LaForge!
 MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message.
CHEESY SINGERS (CHANTING) Logic fun Vulcan Barbie... (GONG BANGING)
VULCAN GIRL 1 She is so logical.
BARBIE Let's try to achieve pure logic.
VULCAN GIRL 2 She can really perform rituals.
VULCAN GIRL 1 I wish to emulate you, Barbie.
CHEESY AD LADY Live long and prosper with Vulcan Barbie today! Accessories sold separately.
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Counselor Troi attempts to figure out the cause of Geordi LaForge's odd behavior while Captain Picard looks on.
DEANNA Geordi, are you all right?
GEORDI Yeah, I sure am, baby.
DEANNA Geordi, you just aren't acting like yourself. Is something angering you?
GEORDI No, except that the robot keeps pestering me.
DEANNA Captain, I don't believe that this is the same Geordi LaForge that we know.
PICARD Well, I can see that. But what's his problem?
DEANNA No, Captain. I mean I think this is really a different person. This is not Geordi... At least, not our Geordi.
PICARD Why do I get the feeling Q had something to do with this?
SFX: Q APPEARING
 
Q (OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER) That's what I love about you, Captain -- you're so clever at figuring things out.
PICARD Q! So this was your price! What have you done to Geordi?!
Q Nothing. I have just put him somewhere else. (OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER)
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Geordi LaForge reports to the bridge...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI Hi, guys.
WHOLE CREW (SOLEMNLY) Hello, Mr. LaForge.
PICARD Um, Mr. LaForge, would you please, if it's not too much trouble for you, take the helm? I know you're really busy and everything, but I'd really appreciate it so much if you'd do that for me.
GEORDI (PUZZLED) Well, sure, Captain...
PICARD Oh, thank you so much!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
 
GEORDI Hi, Data. How far has your dad gotten in his work?
DATA May I respectfully remind you that Dr. Soong is deceased, Mr. LaForge.
GEORDI But Data... how can that be? He's here on the ship with us!
DATA I must point out that this is highly unlikely, Mr. LaForge.
GEORDI Data... why do you keep calling me Mr. LaForge?
DATA Because you insist on it, sir.
GEORDI No, I don't!
DATA I do not wish to contradict you, sir, but you have always told me to call you Mr. LaForge in the past. However, if you wish me to call you otherwise, I shall do so.
GEORDI Data, you're acting really strange... are you all right?
DATA I believe so, Mr. LaForge, but I thank you for your concern.
PICARD Data, if you're not too busy, would you please set course for the Ektoron system? Forgive me if I'm imposing; I do hate to be a bother...
DATA Course set, sir.
GEORDI But, sir... shouldn't we return Dr. Soong to Omicron Theta before we leave this system?
PICARD Dr. Soong? Oh... I'm very sorry, Mr. LaForge, but he died years ago. I thought you knew.
GEORDI But he's on the ship! He's been working on Puffie for the last few days... I just saw him yesterday. What's going on here?
PICARD Puffie?
GEORDI Yeah! You know, Data's brother! The cute one!
DATA May I respectfully remind you that I have only one surviving brother, Lore, and, although I may be mistaken, I do not believe that "cute" would be the correct word to apply to him.
GEORDI Look, I'd better go see the Counselor. I think I'm going nuts or something. Either that, or everyone else is.
PICARD To the Counselor?!? Oh, my!
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message from our sponsor.
MUSIC: FEMALE GASPER SINGERS
 
BORG QUEEN Imagine having perfect wires, like mine. Imagine getting them in just fourteen days. Well, you can stop imagining. All you have to do is let us assimilate you -- and then you can assimilate Redox Proton Pro-V for Borg into your life! Damage these wires? Don't even think about it. Get Proton Pro-V today. Resistance is futile!
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR While Picard negotiates with Q, the Geordi LaForge from the parallel universe encounters Wesley attempting to break into Commander Riker's quarters.
GEORDI What are you doing, kid?
WESLEY Uh... nothing.
GEORDI Yeah, right. You're trying to break in, aren't you?
WESLEY Uh...
GEORDI What do you want in his quarters, anyway?
WESLEY Er...
GEORDI C'mon, 'fess up, kid. 
WESLEY Well, I saw him go in there with some, you know... magazines.
GEORDI What, that nerd??? Are you sure they weren't golf magazines?
WESLEY Commander Riker? A nerd? Like, what universe have you been in all these years? Commander Riker is, like, the coolest!
GEORDI Well, if you say so. Here, you've been going about this all wrong. I'll get you in there.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
WESLEY Cool!
NARRATOR Geordi and Wesley enter Riker's quarters.
WESLEY There they are.
GEORDI Wow, look at the gazongas on those chicks! I guess I haven't been giving old Riker enough credit.
WESLEY (IN A WHISPER) Listen, he's coming!
GEORDI Quick, hide in the closet!
SFX: THUMPING AND SHUFFLING
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: TENTATIVE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
WESLEY (IN A WHISPER) Like, what's he got in the bag?
GEORDI (IN A WHISPER) I don't know.
SFX: CLOTH RUSTLING
 
WESLEY (IN A WHISPER) That's, like, Mom's slip!
SFX: ZIP!
SFX: CLOTH FALLING
 
WESLEY (IN A WHISPER) Oh, my god! He's putting on Mom's underwear!
GEORDI (IN A WHISPER) Oh, boy, am I going to have fun with this! I never suspected!
WESLEY (IN A WHISPER) Like, me either! Wait 'til I tell Mom!
NARRATOR At the first opportunity, Wesley and Geordi escape from Riker's quarters. They encounter Dr. Crusher and Deanna in Ten Forward.
WESLEY Hey, Mom! Guess what we saw! We saw Commander Riker wearing your underwear!
GEORDI Yeah, he looks precious in pink lace!
DR. CRUSHER What are you two talking about?
DEANNA I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this here.
GEORDI (SNORTING) I guess if you're too much of a nerd to get a woman, the nest best thing is their underwear. But I swear, I never thought Riker even looked at women. All I've ever heard him talk about are golf, ski wax and cameras.
DR. CRUSHER Geordi, you're not making any sense.
DEANNA He's not really Geordi, Beverly.
DR. CRUSHER Now you're not making any sense.
WESLEY Mom! Don't you believe me? Why don't you go and, like, ask him? For your underwear back, I mean.
DEANNA Geordi, keep your hands off me!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
RIKER Hello, ladies. Geordi. Wesley.
GEORDI Hey, stud!
WESLEY (GIGGLING) Like, ask him, Mom!
RIKER Ask me what?
GEORDI Feeling sexy, dude?
RIKER Just like always. And now that I'm rid of that damn virus, I'm back in the saddle again.
GEORDI Quite the new golf outfit you got there, Will.
RIKER (BAFFLED) Golf outfit?
DEANNA Will, I need to speak to you privately.
RIKER No problem!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GUINAN Now, what's all this about our underwear? You guys say that Riker has it?
WESLEY Like, he has Mom's. He was wearing it! We, like, saw him do it!
DR. CRUSHER Where did you see him do it, Wesley?
WESLEY Like, in his quarters... (FALTERING)
DR. CRUSHER Will invited you into his quarters and put on my underwear in front of you?
GEORDI I'm gonna check out the bridge, see if I'm needed for anything. See ya!
WESLEY Geordi!
SFX: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS
 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in Deanna's quarters...
DEANNA Will, young Wesley told us that you were wearing Dr. Crusher's underwear! Do you have my underwear, too?
RIKER I... I... uh...
DEANNA It's all right, Will, you can tell me.
RIKER Well, that... that... just isn't true! How can he say that?
DEANNA I know it's the truth, Will. I can tell.
RIKER No! I didn't...
DEANNA Will...
RIKER Okay, okay! I... I confess! During the trip to the Cotton Club, when I wore that dress... I... I found that frilly women's undergarments really... stimulate me.
DEANNA I understand, Will, but will you please just give me back my underwear?
RIKER Uh... it's kind of stretched out.
DEANNA Oh... well... you can keep it, then. Just don't take any more, if you don't mind. I'm running kind of low on panties, and with the replicator broken, I won't be able to get more any time soon.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in the other universe, Geordi LaForge has gone to see the Counselor.
GEORDI Hi, Counselor, I...
DEANNA Ah! You need counseling!
GEORDI Yeah... that's why I'm here.
DEANNA Ah, good. I was getting so lonely... nobody ever wants to come and get counseled.
GEORDI Well, you see, I'm feeling really weird. I...
DEANNA Oh, I'll fix that!
SFX: THUMPING AND SCUFFLING
SFX: A VERY WET SMOOCH
 
GEORDI Mmmf! Counselor! What are you...
DEANNA What's wrong, Geordi? Don't you like my counseling?
GEORDI Uh... look, I think I'd better be going... bye!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: QUICK FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI (PANTING) Whew! Oh, hi, Wesley.
WESLEY Gosh, you sure look beat! What happened, Mr. LaForge?
GEORDI Counselor Troi seems to have gone nuts!
WESLEY Golly, Mr. LaForge, didja really go see the Counselor? Most people run the other way when they see her coming!
GEORDI Really?
WESLEY Yeah!
GEORDI Wesley... are you sure?
WESLEY Yeah, honest! Cross my heart!
GEORDI I... I'll see you later, Wes.
WESLEY Sure thing.
NARRATOR Geordi runs to Data's quarters.
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
 
DATA Enter.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA (UNCOMFORTABLY) Mr. LaForge, sir. Do you request my assistance?
GEORDI No... well, not really, I mean. Data, there is something really weird going on around here.
DATA If I have caused something to go awry, I will gladly attend to it, sir.
GEORDI Data, I'm not blaming you for anything! I'm just trying to figure out what's going on around here! Everyone is acting so strange... say, wait a minute. Data, let me ask you something.
DATA Certainly, sir.
GEORDI What did the bug say to the windshield, Data?
DATA May I respectfully remind you that bugs are not capable of articulation, sir.
GEORDI Now I know something is wrong! Data, either I'm going crazy or I'm in some kind of a parallel universe!
DATA A parallel universe, sir?
GEORDI Yeah!
SFX: DOOR BUZZER
 
DATA Enter.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
RIKER Hi, Data!
DATA Greetings.
GEORDI Hey, Will, how are you?
RIKER Oh, uh... hi, Mr. LaForge. I'm okay, I guess. Say, Data, did I tell you about my last round of golf?
DATA No, sir.
RIKER Well, I had my Platinum-2000 driver, and I made a hole in one in the first round! You shoulda seen it!
GEORDI Golf?
RIKER Well, yeah.
GEORDI Will, I didn't know you played golf.
RIKER Sure, I do. I live for golf. What else is there?
GEORDI Well... what about women?
RIKER (GUFFAWING) Aw, Geordi, quit joshin' me! You know I'm not good with the girls, like you are.
GEORDI All right, that settles it. (INTO COMMUNICATOR) LaForge to Captain Picard, I'd like to meet with you and the rest of the crew in the conference room. We've got a serious problem.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after these words from our sponsor.
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SINGERS Making things better... Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR While our Geordi attempts to make sense of his situation in the strange parallel universe, Picard in our universe bargains with Q.
PICARD Listen, Q, we've paid your price, you've had your fun; now give us back our own Geordi!
Q Tsk, tsk! You people are no fun at all.
PICARD Q...
Q Well, all right. I'm a nice guy, so I'll do it for you... if you're willing to do something for me in return.
PICARD (SIGHS) I suppose you'll probably want us to entertain you by participating in one of your fantasy games.
DATA I do not wish to play Friar Tuck again. I do not believe that a tonsure is very flattering to my appearance.
Q No, I'm tired of that game. I have something else in mind... something very simple.
PICARD Well...?
Q I want you to give me a ride.
PICARD A ride??!
Q Yes, a ride.
PICARD What on earth do you need with a ride when you can just snap your fingers and go anywhere you want?
Q Well, sometimes I just want to try doing things the way you humans do them. Just give me a ride to the coordinates I specify, and I'll give you back your Geordi. Fair enough?
PICARD What are those coordinates?
SFX: CONTROL PANEL BEEPING
 
Q There they are, Captain.
PICARD Is there anything at those coordinates that might endanger the Enterprise or her crew?
Q What do you take me for, some kind of brute? Of course not.
DATA Captain, I believe that these are the coordinates to which...
Q Ah-ah, Data, no telling! If you tell, the deal is off.
PICARD Data, do you know of something at those coordinates that will endanger us?
DATA (AFTER A PAUSE) No, sir.
PICARD Oh, very well. Just let us return Dr. Soong to his laboratory on the planet.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in the other universe, Geordi, Picard, Data, Riker, Worf and Dr. Crusher meet in the conference room.
GEORDI Listen, guys, I think I'm in the wrong universe, and we need to figure out a way to get me back.
PICARD But... why do you think that?
GEORDI Well, for one thing, nobody seems to know anything about what's been going on in the last few days. And, for another thing... you're all acting so strange! And...
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
TASHA YAR Hi, am I late?
GEORDI That's another thing... Tasha's been dead for years in my universe.
TASHA YAR What are you talking about?
DR. CRUSHER Well, wherever you come from, we much prefer you to our original Geordi.
GEORDI Why? Am I an asshole in this universe or something?
DR. CRUSHER Well, to put it bluntly, yes. We'd be happy if you'd stay.
GEORDI Thanks for the offer, but I really think I'd rather go back to my own universe. It's really creepy to see you all acting so different. In my universe, Captain Picard is much more... authoritative.
PICARD Oh, I would hate to be harsh. I prefer a benevolent approach.
GEORDI Well, I wouldn't say you were harsh, exactly, but... you're just more authoritative. And Riker... well, I don't want to offend you, Will, but in my universe Riker is a real stud! You know, a lady's man. And Worf! It's so unnerving to see him doing ballet steps in the corridors. Your Worf is a vegetarian, for god's sake! Oh, and the Counselor in my universe acts really different from the one in your universe.
PICARD You mean she doesn't tackle people in the halls?
GEORDI No! And, in my universe, Data is my best friend and he calls me Geordi.
DATA I have been instructed not to do so on numerous occasions by your counterpart from this universe.
GEORDI And Data has his emotion chip, and tells really bad jokes, and everyone suspects that Data and Captain Picard have this romantic thing going.
DATA Romantic thing?
PICARD Oh... well, I have no desire whatsoever to become romantically involved with Mr. Data. No offense to you, Mr. Data.
DATA None taken, sir. My sentiments about you are the same.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, in our universe, Dr. Soong has been safely returned to his own planet, and the Enterprise proceeds to the coordinates specified by Q. Captain Picard, Data, Commander Riker, Counselor Troi, Lt. Commander Worf, and Q are on the bridge.
DATA Curious. I was not aware that there was a planet here.
PICARD It is a very dark planet.
Q Yes, it certainly is!
PICARD And look at those ice caps. They're the strangest yellow color. Mr. Data, perform a chemical analysis of--
Q No, no! That would spoil everything. Let's just go into orbit, Captain, and you, Data, Will, Worf, and the Counselor will take me down in a shuttle craft.
PICARD In a shuttle craft! Why can't we just beam you down?
Q Because I don't want to be beamed down! If I wanted to get down there instantaneously, I could do it myself. I just want to see what it's like to ride in a shuttle craft.
PICARD (SIGHS) Well, all right. Enter standard orbit, Mr. Data.
DATA Entering standard orbit now, sir.
PICARD All right, let's get this over with.
NARRATOR The crew members selected by Q proceed to the shuttle craft docking bays, and are accosted by Puffie along the way.
PUFFIE Hello, evewybody! Where're you goin', huh?
PICARD We are giving Q a ride, Puffie. Now go back to your quarters.
PUFFIE Aw, I wanna go wiff you!
PICARD No!
Q Oh, why not, Jean-Luc? Give the poor guy a break.
PICARD (INDISCERNIBLE MUTTERING)
PUFFIE Pweathe??!!
PICARD Fine, but stay out of the way.
PUFFIE Oh, boy, oh, boy! I get to go on a ride wiff big bwudder Data, and Mister Q! I wanna give you a big huggie-wuggie, Mister Q!
PICARD That's right, Puffie, give Q a nice hug.
Q I wouldn't advise encouraging him, Captain.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD Well, here we are, Q.
Q This is going to be so much fun!
NARRATOR Q and the others fly the shuttle craft down to the planet surface.
SFX: SHUTTLE CRAFT LANDING
SFX: SPLOIK!
 
PICARD Oh... this planet does not appear to be entirely solid.
WORF Sir, I believe we are sinking.
Q Well, toodeloo, and thanks for the ride! (OBNOXIOUS LAUGHTER) Oh, and by the way, when and if you get back to the Enterprise, your own Geordi will be waiting for you.
SFX: Q DISAPPEARING
 
PICARD All right, Data, what is this?
DATA Sir, these are the coordinates to which all Starfleet vessels beam their waste products! Apparently, enough waste has collected here to accrete into a planet.
PICARD Do you mean... that this is a world composed entirely of... of...
WORF Can it be? Let me see this!
PICARD No, no, Worf, don't open that door!
SFX: DOOR OPENING
 
WORF (SNIFFING) Ah! It smells like paradise! It's true... this is a planet made entirely of...
ALL TOGETHER Shit!
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration!

Drawing of Commander Riker by Megaera Lorenz
Drawing of Commander Riker by Megaera Lorenz.

Proceed to Episode 7.
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