| NARRATOR |
Q has just left Captain Picard, Data, Will Riker, Worf, Counselor Troi,
and Puffie on a planet composed entirely of fecal matter, with the promise
that he will return the respective Geordis to their proper places. Meanwhile,
the shuttle craft has become stuck in the planet's surface. Picard and
the others stand outside the shuttle craft while it sinks into the feces,
discussing a means of escape. |
| DATA |
We will not be able to remove the shuttle craft from the surface of
the planet with our limited resources. We will have to leave it here and
request to be beamed back up onto the Enterprise without it. |
| PICARD |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, beam us up. |
| UHURA |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) I'm sorry, sir, but the transporter doesn't seem
to be functional. Engineering is working on it. Oh, and I am happy to report
that we have our own Geordi back with us, sir. |
| PICARD |
(INTO COMMUNICATOR) Well, that's good, anyway, but tell the engineers
we need them to hurry... I don't want to stick around this planet any longer
than I have to. |
| WORF |
This is heaven! Why, I could get rich off of this! Klingons would come
from lightyears around to vacation on this planet! It could be the ultimate
Klingon theme park. Just imagine... |
| DEANNA |
Well, I can't say I care for it. |
| RIKER |
God... neither can I! |
| DATA |
Why... you are a Soong-type android! Who are you? What is your name? |
| SONG |
(GLUMLY) My name is Song. I suppose you must be some android brother
of mine. |
| DATA |
Yes... I am Data. My father did not tell me about you. Did he create
you recently? |
| SONG |
No... I'm a prototype. I'm the oldest of the Soong androids. I suppose
Dr. Soong has already forgotten about me... poor old Song, the failure.
I'm the one who earned him the nickname Oftenwrong, you know, and I suppose
you're going to say you can see why. |
| RIKER |
Um, Song, how did you get here, and do you know how to leave? |
| SONG |
Leave? Where would I go? This is my home... such as it is. I own this
planet. |
| PICARD |
You own it? |
| SONG |
Yes. After I left home, a Ferengi real-estate dealer sold me this dump
for some piddling number of credits. Of course, he told me it was a terrific
deal. That's right, cheat the android. Now I've lived here all by myself
for almost forty years, with no company, nothing to do, all alone in my
miserableness. You have no idea how hard it is, living all alone on a planet
made of dung. And then you people come along and destroy my beautiful solitude. |
| PICARD |
Listen, Song, if you will tell us how to leave this planet, we will
take you up to our ship and bring you to a more... desirable home. |
| SONG |
Why would I want to go somewhere with you? I don't even know
you. |
| PICARD |
All right, then stay here, but at least help us find a way out! |
| SONG |
Oh, that's right, just leave the android alone in the dung! |
| PICARD |
But... |
| SONG |
Do you think it's fun living here? All I have is this house and a few
of my worthless possessions, and of course the house collapses into a pile
of sludge every time it rains -- and of course it rains all the time here. |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, you must be having a weawy hard day. |
| SONG |
I'm having a really hard life! That is, if you can even call it a life. |
| WORF |
You wouldn't be interested in selling this planet, by any chance, would
you? |
| SONG |
And what would you do with it? |
| WORF |
Why, the possibilities are endless! |
| SONG |
Oh, that's right, just take my home away from me and make yourself
rich off of it. Thanks a lot. |
| PICARD |
Worf, stop trying to barter with this man. We don't have much time.
The shuttle craft has settled another meter into the muck while we stood
here talking! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Admiral Kirk becomes acquainted
with Spock's twin children, Ensigns Sock and Soredick. |
| KIRK |
You know, it's funny... You think you know a man, and then you find
out that you don't... For all the years I've known your father, I never
knew that he was married or had a family. |
| SOCK |
Father was not married to our mother, sir. |
| KIRK |
Really...! The rogue! |
| SOREDICK |
To my knowledge, sir, Father has never met our mother. |
| KIRK |
Well... eh... he must have met her at least once, ensign! |
| SOCK |
That does not follow, sir. |
| SOREDICK |
That is not a logical assumption, sir. |
| KIRK |
Oh? You two do know, don't you, how a woman gets pregnant? |
| SOCK |
Sir, with all due respect, I must point out to you that personal contact
is not necessary for Vulcan reproduction as it is for humans. |
| KIRK |
Really! Do you do it with... brainwaves... or something? |
| SOCK |
Vulcans utilize external fertilization, sir. |
| SOREDICK |
When the Vulcan male comes into heat, he deposits a sperm packet, sir,
often several. |
| SOCK |
Upon finding a sperm packet, the female, if desirous of conceiving
a child, smells the packet to determine its origin, and if satisfied, inserts
it. |
| KIRK |
If that's how Vulcans do it, then I'm glad I'm not a Vulcan. Vulcan
sex doesn't sound like much fun at all. |
| SOCK |
The purpose of sex is reproduction, not fun. |
| KIRK |
A sad attitude... |
| SOREDICK |
It is the only logical attitude, sir. I must add that sexually transmitted
diseases are virtually nonexistent among Vulcans. External fertilization
is the most logical reproductive strategy, although I understand, sir,
that humans are biologically enslaved to their method and cannot help themselves. |
| KIRK |
All the same, Ensign, I wouldn't have it any other way. Wait a minute...
what do Vulcan sperm packets look like? |
| SOREDICK |
They are approximately 8 centimeters long, white in color, with a cylindrical
head and a short tail. |
| KIRK |
So that's what those things were! I used to see them lying around in
the Enterprise. I thought that Uhura was careless with her... um... feminine
hygiene products... |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, back on Poop World... |
| RIKER |
Sir, I don't think we should wait for the engineers on the Enterprise
to repair the transporter. We should be thinking of a way of getting our
shuttle craft out of here. |
| PICARD |
I agree, Number One. If Q were responsible for the malfunction of the
transporter, as I suspect, then the shuttle craft may be our only way off
this damn planet. |
| RIKER |
Basically, we need to find some way of getting something solid under
the shuttle craft so that it has something to thrust against. |
| PICARD |
Why is that, Number One? The shuttle craft is capable of launching
from liquids. |
| DATA |
Yes, Captain, but the fecal matter is not precisely liquid, and it
is highly adhesive. |
| PICARD |
You mean to say that we are glued to this world by shit? |
| RIKER |
Yes, sir, I'd say that's accurate. |
| WORF |
Well, if we must remain here forever, that wouldn't be so bad. |
| PICARD |
Worf, we are not going to remain here forever! |
| SONG |
I should hope not. I value my privacy. |
| DATA |
But, my brother, I thought you hated living alone on this world. |
| SONG |
Of course I hate it! Who would want to lead a solitary, lonely existence
on a planet made of shit? Notice that I say "existence" and not "life."
You seem not to be aware, although I certainly am, that we androids cannot
be said to "live." |
| DEANNA |
I cannot perceive your emotions the way I can with organic beings,
Song, but it seems to me that you are a very angry person. |
| SONG |
Me? Angry? Why should I be angry? Isn't it my place to be cheated and
abused? Am I not simply a miserable android? But you are mistaken. I am
not angry. Not in the least. My father programmed me with only one emotion,
and angry is not it. |
| PUFFIE |
Gosh, big bwudder Song, what is it? |
| SONG |
(SIGHS) When Father created me, he did not yet know how to program
emotions. He decided to experiment on me, and attempt to program in one
emotion for starters. He intended to add more later, but naturally, he
never did. He started with the emotion he said was the easiest. |
| DATA |
Which emotion is that, my brother? |
| SONG |
Misery. Naturally. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Soredick startles his sister Sock
by suddenly making a dash for the bridge bathroom. When he returns... |
| SOCK |
Soredick, are you ill? |
| SOREDICK |
No. But it seems that I am going into heat. |
| SOCK |
This is not a logical time or place. |
| SOREDICK |
I am aware of that. I was not expecting to go into heat at this time.
Perhaps it is due to the stress of our new positions. |
| SOCK |
We have not yet performed the appropriate rituals for sexual readiness
aboard this vessel. |
| SOREDICK |
I have no desire to be in heat at this time. I need my thoughts to
be at their most logical during the current crisis. |
| SOCK |
Then you must take a dose of Heat-Chek. |
| SOREDICK |
I shall do so. However, I am already producing sperm packets. |
| SOCK |
Why did you permit your condition to advance that far? |
| SOREDICK |
I was not aware that I was in heat until I had passed the sperm packets.
The physiological changes induced by early heat must have been masked by
those associated with the excitement of the assignment to this famous vessel
and the crisis on the fecal planet. |
| SOCK |
In that case, I suggest that you have your condition monitored by the
ship's doctor. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, on the surface of the planet... |
| DATA |
Perhaps we can find some way to dry out the fecal matter. |
| PICARD |
And how would we do that? Cover it all up with a tarp and hope the
rain won't get in? Besides, it would take too long. |
| RIKER |
Maybe we could burn it. |
| PICARD |
Well, it's worth a try. |
| NARRATOR |
A while later... |
| PICARD |
Oh, it's no use. The burnt crust just gets sucked right under, and
now it's beginning to rain again. |
| WORF |
(CONTENTEDLY) I can just see it... "Shit World... where Klingon dreams
come true..." |
| PICARD |
Damn it, Worf, you're supposed to be helping! |
| WORF |
But can't you see the possibilities of this place? I have to plan carefully
to get the most out of this wonderful opportunity! Besides, I'm not sure
I want to leave. |
| PICARD |
If you want to profit from this at all, we'll have to figure out how
to leave!! Besides, you're a Starfleet officer, not an entrepreneur! |
| WORF |
Can't I be both, sir? |
| PICARD |
Worf!! |
| NARRATOR |
In the meantime, Deanna attempts to counsel Song. |
| DEANNA |
I understand why you would be bitter, but you need to concentrate on
eliminating negative and unrealistic thoughts about yourself and your surroundings.
And you have to really want to change. |
| SONG |
I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me feel better.
Well, if there's anything I hate, it's people who try to make me feel better. |
| DEANNA |
You feel resentment because of my trying to give you advice... is that
right? Well... perhaps your problem is that you, like any other sentient
creature, learn by a process of positive reinforcement. Only you have come
to require positive reinforcement from others in order to feel good about
yourself. Without it, you feel hopeless and bitter. Am I correct? |
| SONG |
I've never felt good about myself. And you know you can't do me one
bit of good unless you can give me more emotions, which of course you can't.
Naturally. |
| DEANNA |
I see. You don't think I can help you until your programming is enhanced
to include more emotions. Maybe, with some effort, you could learn to surpass
your original programming. |
| SONG |
I've been around for decades. And I've been able to solve most of my
problems. Do you think that if I could have solved this one, I wouldn't
have? I don't think so. There's nothing I can do about it. Of course. |
| DEANNA |
I just don't know what to do with you, Song! |
| SONG |
Then do nothing. Just let this poor miserable android suffer in peace. |
| DEANNA |
All right, but let me know if you change your mind. I'll be with the
others, if you need me. |
| PICARD |
Oh, no... |
| PUFFIE |
Hi, Cap'n. Have you figured out how to save our shippy-wippy yet? |
| PICARD |
NO! |
| PUFFIE |
Well, I thought maybe, if... if we could give the nitwogen in our auxiliary
attitude adjustment system a big hug, we could sqweethe it into a liquid,
then we could fweethe the poo-poo weawy fast an' then we could go home! |
| PICARD |
Puffie!! For the last time, will you please go... say... wait a minute... |
| RIKER |
(ASTONISHED) Sir! Maybe I'm nuts or something, but I think what he
just said may have actually made sense! |
| PICARD |
You're right, Number One! I can't believe it! Data, could that idea
possibly work? |
| DATA |
That idea is viable, sir. Sir, I must remind you that Puffie, as an
android, has the same mental abilities and technical skills as myself.
He merely seldom chooses to express it. |
| PICARD |
All right, Puffie... that's a wonderful idea. Can you do it? |
| PUFFIE |
If you an' big bwudder Data an' evewyone else'll help! |
| PICARD |
Right! Let's get to work! |
| NARRATOR |
Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after these words
from our sponsor. |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Do you remember eating your boogers when you were a little kid? |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
(CHUCKLING) Yeah... and I remember getting in trouble for it, too! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Well, scientific studies have shown that nasal mucus is the best source
of the recently discovered Vitamin M, a protein powerhouse that increases
longevity, promotes good health, and stimulates sexual vitality! That is
why human beings have an instinctive urge to eat boogers! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
No kidding! |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
That's right! And that is why scientists at Redox, Incorporated, have
developed Prohistamore, the new miracle drug that stimulates mucus production
in most humanoid species. Now even adults can produce copious amounts of
health-giving mucus! |
| CHEESY AD GUY |
Good health, good sex, a long life... that's what we all want. |
| CHEESY AD LADY |
Right! So try new Redox Prohistamore, and bring that good, healthy
childhood practice back into your life! |
| PICARD |
Puffie, hand me the wrench. |
| PUFFIE |
Here'th widdle ol' Mister Wrenchie! Ooh, I just put another part on
the compwession chamber... I get a hug! |
| PICARD |
Puffie, just work!!! |
| PUFFIE |
Big bwudder Data, could you hand me Mister Warp Throttle Assembly? |
| DATA |
Here. |
| PUFFIE |
Thank you, big bwudder! You're tho helpful! |
| RIKER |
Damn, this is a hot planet! |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. The large quantities of bacteria in the fecal matter give
off heat. |
| RIKER |
So this planet's crust produces its own heat... how interesting. |
| PICARD |
The only thing I'm interested in is getting out of here! What are those
others doing? They should be helping out! |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Worf and Deanna are talking quietly near Song's house... |
| WORF |
Deanna... there's something I want to ask you... |
| DEANNA |
Yes, Worf? |
| WORF |
Would you... make love to me here? |
| DEANNA |
Here?? In the shit?! |
| WORF |
Yes... it would be so exquisite. |
| DEANNA |
Worf, it's... not a very romantic setting. |
| WORF |
On the contrary! Nothing could be more romantic! |
| DEANNA |
Worf, I don't know... |
| WORF |
Please? |
| DEANNA |
Oh... all right. But we don't have much time. |
| WORF |
Don't worry! It won't take long! |
| NARRATOR |
Data enters Song's house, where he encounters Worf and Deanna. |
| DEANNA |
Oh! Data, what are you doing in here? Can't you see we're busy? |
| DATA |
You must save your functioning for later. The Captain says it is time
to go. |
| WORF |
Grrr! |
| DEANNA |
Oh... fine, but just please step outside! We'll be out in a moment...
when we're ready. |
| NARRATOR |
Data rejoins the others. |
| DATA |
They are not ready, sir. |
| PICARD |
Well, we'll have to leave without them, then! Come on, let's go. They
can get back when we fix the transporters. Well, Song, are you coming? |
| SONG |
I guess so. It's not as if I have anything to lose... except my only
home, that is. |
| NARRATOR |
The team uses the liquid nitrogen to freeze the fecal matter surrounding
the shuttle craft. Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Lt. Commander Data,
Puffie, and Song climb into the shuttle craft. |
| PICARD |
All right... now for the moment of truth. |
| PICARD |
It worked!! |
| RIKER |
Yes! Let's get out of here! |
| DATA |
Wait, sir. Worf and the Counselor are approaching. |
| DEANNA |
(MUFFLED, FROM OUTSIDE OF THE SHUTTLE CRAFT) Wait for us! Please don't
leave yet! |
| NARRATOR |
Worf and Deanna get into the shuttle craft. |
| PICARD |
My god, Deanna! You're a mess! |
| DEANNA |
Well, you're not the epitome of cleanliness, either. |
| RIKER |
Okay, let's go. |
| WORF |
(SIGHS) I sure will miss this place. |
| PICARD |
(MUTTERING) I can't believe we were rescued from this place by PUFFIE
of all people! What's the matter with Data? Why couldn't he have
thought of freezing the shit with liquid nitrogen? Or Riker? Or Worf? But,
no, it had to be PUFFIE! |
| DEANNA |
Captain, are you all right? |
| PICARD |
You and I are both covered with shit and you ask me if I'm all right. |
| DEANNA |
Captain! |
| NARRATOR |
Our friends return to the Enterprise, where, after having gone through
decontamination several times and taken a few showers, they are greeted
enthusiastically by the crew members on board the ship. |
| GEORDI |
It sure is good to have you guys back again! |
| DATA |
I have similar sentiments towards you, Geordi. Your counterpart was
not entirely pleasant. |
| GEORDI |
So I gathered. |
| DEANNA |
Oh, I feel awful! Even after going through decontamination twice and
taking two showers, I still smell like shit! |
| WORF |
I know... it's wonderful! |
| DEANNA |
Uh-oh... excuse me, I have to step into the bathroom. |
| NARRATOR |
Deanna goes into the bridge bathroom. |
| DEANNA |
Oh, no, just as I thought. My period's started. I don't want to go
all the way back to my quarters for a feminine hygiene product, but these
bathroom dispensors never work. Oh, wait... what's that under the sink?
Why, I'm in luck! Beverly must have dropped one of hers! |
Drawing of Song in his hut made of fecal matter, by Megaera Lorenz.