Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration

Episode 7: A Klingon Paradise
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which we meet Data's eldest brother (the Prototype!) and learn something about Vulcan reproduction.
Song in his poop hut.  Drawing of Song in his hut made of fecal matter, by Megaera Lorenz.
PICARD Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to cautiously, but courageously go, being careful not to instigate any trouble or offend anyone, where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before.
DATA But, sir, it is not actually space that we are exploring, but rather the objects and phenomena within space.
PICARD Why... you... I... Oh... The objects and phenomena within space: the final frontier. There, now are you satisfied??
DATA But, Captain...
PICARD That's enough, Data!!!
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, is brought to you by Redox, Incorporated. And now, a word from our sponsor.
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NARRATOR Q has just left Captain Picard, Data, Will Riker, Worf, Counselor Troi, and Puffie on a planet composed entirely of fecal matter, with the promise that he will return the respective Geordis to their proper places. Meanwhile, the shuttle craft has become stuck in the planet's surface. Picard and the others stand outside the shuttle craft while it sinks into the feces, discussing a means of escape.
DATA We will not be able to remove the shuttle craft from the surface of the planet with our limited resources. We will have to leave it here and request to be beamed back up onto the Enterprise without it.
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, beam us up.
UHURA (OVER COMMUNICATOR) I'm sorry, sir, but the transporter doesn't seem to be functional. Engineering is working on it. Oh, and I am happy to report that we have our own Geordi back with us, sir.
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Well, that's good, anyway, but tell the engineers we need them to hurry... I don't want to stick around this planet any longer than I have to.
WORF This is heaven! Why, I could get rich off of this! Klingons would come from lightyears around to vacation on this planet! It could be the ultimate Klingon theme park. Just imagine...
DEANNA Well, I can't say I care for it. 
RIKER God... neither can I!
PICARD Data! Stop it!
DATA The cockroaches here are excellent, sir. Even this planet has its advantages.
PUFFIE Oooh! Look at all the li'l cockroaches! Let's share 'em, Data, because we're bwudders, and best fwennie-wennies. 
PICARD You mean even Puffie eats cockroaches?!! 
RIKER Will you guys quit fooling around? We need to find a way out of this damned place.
DATA I detect an artificial structure. 
PICARD This entire planet is an artificial structure! 
DATA  No, sir... I mean that I detect a construction... a dwelling of some sort.
RIKER You mean someone lives here? 
DATA It would appear so, sir. 
DEANNA Then maybe this person can help us leave this planet. 
RIKER Not likely. Why would anyone live here if they knew how to leave? 
PICARD It's worth a try. Let's go. 
NARRATOR The group approaches the small, nearby dwelling.
DATA This structure is composed of fecal matter.
PICARD What else would it be composed of? Now, let's see who lives here. 
DATA Very well, sir. 
DATA Why... you are a Soong-type android! Who are you? What is your name?
SONG (GLUMLY) My name is Song. I suppose you must be some android brother of mine.
DATA Yes... I am Data. My father did not tell me about you. Did he create you recently? 
SONG No... I'm a prototype. I'm the oldest of the Soong androids. I suppose Dr. Soong has already forgotten about me... poor old Song, the failure. I'm the one who earned him the nickname Oftenwrong, you know, and I suppose you're going to say you can see why. 
RIKER Um, Song, how did you get here, and do you know how to leave? 
SONG Leave? Where would I go? This is my home... such as it is. I own this planet.
PICARD You own it?
SONG Yes. After I left home, a Ferengi real-estate dealer sold me this dump for some piddling number of credits. Of course, he told me it was a terrific deal. That's right, cheat the android. Now I've lived here all by myself for almost forty years, with no company, nothing to do, all alone in my miserableness. You have no idea how hard it is, living all alone on a planet made of dung. And then you people come along and destroy my beautiful solitude.
PICARD Listen, Song, if you will tell us how to leave this planet, we will take you up to our ship and bring you to a more... desirable home. 
SONG Why would I want to go somewhere with you? I don't even know you.
PICARD All right, then stay here, but at least help us find a way out! 
SONG Oh, that's right, just leave the android alone in the dung!
SONG Do you think it's fun living here? All I have is this house and a few of my worthless possessions, and of course the house collapses into a pile of sludge every time it rains -- and of course it rains all the time here.
PUFFIE Aw, you must be having a weawy hard day. 
SONG I'm having a really hard life! That is, if you can even call it a life. 
WORF You wouldn't be interested in selling this planet, by any chance, would you? 
SONG And what would you do with it? 
WORF Why, the possibilities are endless! 
SONG Oh, that's right, just take my home away from me and make yourself rich off of it. Thanks a lot.
PICARD Worf, stop trying to barter with this man. We don't have much time. The shuttle craft has settled another meter into the muck while we stood here talking! 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after these words from the Space Safety Council.
CHEESY AD GUY Do you like to explore airless planets? Do you like to breathe? Do you like to do both simultaneously? Then take a deep breath and think about this: never go out into deep space or other airless environments without wearing a space suit with a full oxygen tank. Check the suit, the tank and the connections carefully before each use. Safety... it's like a breath of fresh air.
ANOTHER GUY This ad was brought to you by the Space Safety Council.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Admiral Kirk becomes acquainted with Spock's twin children, Ensigns Sock and Soredick.
KIRK You know, it's funny... You think you know a man, and then you find out that you don't... For all the years I've known your father, I never knew that he was married or had a family.
SOCK Father was not married to our mother, sir.
KIRK Really...! The rogue!
SOREDICK To my knowledge, sir, Father has never met our mother.
KIRK Well... eh... he must have met her at least once, ensign!
SOCK  That does not follow, sir.
SOREDICK That is not a logical assumption, sir.
KIRK Oh? You two do know, don't you, how a woman gets pregnant? 
SOCK Sir, with all due respect, I must point out to you that personal contact is not necessary for Vulcan reproduction as it is for humans. 
KIRK Really! Do you do it with... brainwaves... or something? 
SOCK Vulcans utilize external fertilization, sir. 
SOREDICK When the Vulcan male comes into heat, he deposits a sperm packet, sir, often several.
SOCK Upon finding a sperm packet, the female, if desirous of conceiving a child, smells the packet to determine its origin, and if satisfied, inserts it. 
KIRK If that's how Vulcans do it, then I'm glad I'm not a Vulcan. Vulcan sex doesn't sound like much fun at all.
SOCK The purpose of sex is reproduction, not fun. 
KIRK A sad attitude... 
SOREDICK It is the only logical attitude, sir. I must add that sexually transmitted diseases are virtually nonexistent among Vulcans. External fertilization is the most logical reproductive strategy, although I understand, sir, that humans are biologically enslaved to their method and cannot help themselves. 
KIRK All the same, Ensign, I wouldn't have it any other way. Wait a minute... what do Vulcan sperm packets look like?
SOREDICK They are approximately 8 centimeters long, white in color, with a cylindrical head and a short tail. 
KIRK So that's what those things were! I used to see them lying around in the Enterprise. I thought that Uhura was careless with her... um... feminine hygiene products... 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, back on Poop World... 
RIKER Sir, I don't think we should wait for the engineers on the Enterprise to repair the transporter. We should be thinking of a way of getting our shuttle craft out of here. 
PICARD I agree, Number One. If Q were responsible for the malfunction of the transporter, as I suspect, then the shuttle craft may be our only way off this damn planet. 
RIKER Basically, we need to find some way of getting something solid under the shuttle craft so that it has something to thrust against. 
PICARD Why is that, Number One? The shuttle craft is capable of launching from liquids. 
DATA Yes, Captain, but the fecal matter is not precisely liquid, and it is highly adhesive. 
PICARD You mean to say that we are glued to this world by shit? 
RIKER Yes, sir, I'd say that's accurate.
WORF Well, if we must remain here forever, that wouldn't be so bad. 
PICARD Worf, we are not going to remain here forever! 
SONG  I should hope not. I value my privacy. 
DATA But, my brother, I thought you hated living alone on this world.
SONG Of course I hate it! Who would want to lead a solitary, lonely existence on a planet made of shit? Notice that I say "existence" and not "life." You seem not to be aware, although I certainly am, that we androids cannot be said to "live." 
DEANNA I cannot perceive your emotions the way I can with organic beings, Song, but it seems to me that you are a very angry person. 
SONG Me? Angry? Why should I be angry? Isn't it my place to be cheated and abused? Am I not simply a miserable android? But you are mistaken. I am not angry. Not in the least. My father programmed me with only one emotion, and angry is not it. 
PUFFIE Gosh, big bwudder Song, what is it? 
SONG (SIGHS) When Father created me, he did not yet know how to program emotions. He decided to experiment on me, and attempt to program in one emotion for starters. He intended to add more later, but naturally, he never did. He started with the emotion he said was the easiest. 
DATA Which emotion is that, my brother?
SONG Misery. Naturally.
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message. 
BORG QUEEN Do you like it when people say, "What a beautiful microprocessing chip!" And don't you love it when they say, "Where did you get that wonderful new servo?" Of course you do! We all like compliments. That's why it's so much fun to get new things. Well, here at the Borg Collective, we are having a special inventory reduction sale on all our top brand prostheses, with a special deal on drills and lasers! And don't miss our one-time special offer: just let us assimilate you, and we'll throw in a genuine Borg implant -- free! We guarantee your satisfaction (you won't have any choice). So come on down to the Borg Collective Cube today! 
BORG Resistance is futile! 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Our friends from the Enterprise continue to attempt to get their shuttle craft free from the surface of... Poop World. 
PICARD (SIGHS) It doesn't look good for us. The ship just keeps sinking further! 
SONG Of course. That's what happened to my ship, too. 
PICARD But you couldn't figure out any way to get it free? 
SONG Do you think that one measly android could possibly get a titanium-lined Hyundai Excel personal spacecraft out of the muck by himself? I don't think so. Besides, I have trouble enough keeping myself together without trying to drag spaceship parts around.
DEANNA Keeping yourself together? What do you mean by that? 
PICARD What was that??! 
SONG What do you think? There are always dung meteors or frozen urine meteors coming down out of the sky. 
WORF Of course! Everyone still beams their waste here... the planet is still accreting! 
PICARD Well... all the more reason to get off of this planet as soon as possible. I swear, if I never see Q again as long as I live, it will be too soon!
PUFFIE Um... Cap'n? I have a idea...
PICARD Not now, Puffie! We're all very busy! Now go and... and catch some roaches, or something. 
DATA Song... I do not understand why Father did not add more emotions to you later, once he knew how. 
SONG Isn't it obvious? I'm so miserable, he couldn't stand me. Nobody can. 
DEANNA But he could have cured you of your miserableness... 
SONG Oh, I suppose he could... but, of course, he didn't. It happened like this: (IN YOUNG DR. SOONG'S VOICE) Song, I'm ready to program the rest of the emotions into you. (SONG'S VOICE) Oh, that's right. Tamper with my personality. Never mind what I think. (YOUNG DR. SOONG'S VOICE) Fine, then! Stay miserable, if that's what you want! (BACK TO SONG'S REGULAR VOICE) Then, a little while later, he deactivated me. (SIGHS) I suppose you'll be trying to deactivate me next. 
PICARD Data, you are supposed to be helping us figure out a way off this planet! 
DATA Yes, Captain. 
DEANNA What was that?
SONG That was my butt falling off... again.
SONG There. Not that it will stay.
DATA An interesting problem. Fortunately one that was fixed by my day.
SONG Of course. Naturally. I had to be the prototype. Good old Song. 
DATA Song, we need to get something solid to put under the shuttle craft. Do you know of anything we can use? 
SONG Well, if it goes a few days without raining here, the fecal matter develops a crust. But that seldom happens. In fact, it is starting to rain now. Of course. There goes my house. As always. 
DATA Are you saying, my brother, that there is nothing solid that we can use? 
SONG I suppose that's what I'm saying. I guess. 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message from our sponsor. 
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CHEESY AD LADY And if you hate hamburgers...
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SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
NARRATOR Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Soredick startles his sister Sock by suddenly making a dash for the bridge bathroom. When he returns... 
SOCK Soredick, are you ill? 
SOREDICK No. But it seems that I am going into heat.
SOCK This is not a logical time or place.
SOREDICK I am aware of that. I was not expecting to go into heat at this time. Perhaps it is due to the stress of our new positions.
SOCK We have not yet performed the appropriate rituals for sexual readiness aboard this vessel.
SOREDICK I have no desire to be in heat at this time. I need my thoughts to be at their most logical during the current crisis. 
SOCK Then you must take a dose of Heat-Chek.
SOREDICK I shall do so. However, I am already producing sperm packets. 
SOCK Why did you permit your condition to advance that far? 
SOREDICK I was not aware that I was in heat until I had passed the sperm packets. The physiological changes induced by early heat must have been masked by those associated with the excitement of the assignment to this famous vessel and the crisis on the fecal planet.
SOCK In that case, I suggest that you have your condition monitored by the ship's doctor. 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, on the surface of the planet... 
DATA Perhaps we can find some way to dry out the fecal matter. 
PICARD And how would we do that? Cover it all up with a tarp and hope the rain won't get in? Besides, it would take too long. 
RIKER Maybe we could burn it. 
PICARD Well, it's worth a try. 
NARRATOR A while later... 
PICARD Oh, it's no use. The burnt crust just gets sucked right under, and now it's beginning to rain again. 
PUFFIE  Hi, evewybody! I bwought some cockwoatsies for evewyone! Here's yours, Cap'n! 
PICARD Gaah! Yuck! Take that thing away from me, Puffie; I don't want it!! 
DEANNA Same here, Puffie. 
RIKER Puffie, go away and stop annoying us! We've got some very important work to do! 
PUFFIE Aw... well, here's a cockwoatsie for big bwudder Song, an' one for big bwudder Data. 
SONG Thanks, I guess. These are the only things that make my existence worth anything at all. 
DATA I thank you, Puffie, but we are currently trying to solve a serious problem.
PUFFIE I know you're all twying really hard to save our l'il ol' shippy-wippy so we can all go back to our home on the Ennerpwithe, an' I have a idea... 
PICARD Not now! Go away and leave us alone!! 
WORF (CONTENTEDLY) I can just see it... "Shit World... where Klingon dreams come true..." 
PICARD Damn it, Worf, you're supposed to be helping! 
WORF But can't you see the possibilities of this place? I have to plan carefully to get the most out of this wonderful opportunity! Besides, I'm not sure I want to leave. 
PICARD If you want to profit from this at all, we'll have to figure out how to leave!! Besides, you're a Starfleet officer, not an entrepreneur! 
WORF Can't I be both, sir?
PICARD Worf!! 
NARRATOR In the meantime, Deanna attempts to counsel Song. 
DEANNA I understand why you would be bitter, but you need to concentrate on eliminating negative and unrealistic thoughts about yourself and your surroundings. And you have to really want to change.
SONG I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make me feel better. Well, if there's anything I hate, it's people who try to make me feel better.
DEANNA You feel resentment because of my trying to give you advice... is that right? Well... perhaps your problem is that you, like any other sentient creature, learn by a process of positive reinforcement. Only you have come to require positive reinforcement from others in order to feel good about yourself. Without it, you feel hopeless and bitter. Am I correct? 
SONG I've never felt good about myself. And you know you can't do me one bit of good unless you can give me more emotions, which of course you can't. Naturally.
DEANNA I see. You don't think I can help you until your programming is enhanced to include more emotions. Maybe, with some effort, you could learn to surpass your original programming. 
SONG I've been around for decades. And I've been able to solve most of my problems. Do you think that if I could have solved this one, I wouldn't have? I don't think so. There's nothing I can do about it. Of course. 
DEANNA I just don't know what to do with you, Song! 
SONG Then do nothing. Just let this poor miserable android suffer in peace.
DEANNA All right, but let me know if you change your mind. I'll be with the others, if you need me.
SONG That's right. Just give up on me and leave. Typical. 
NARRATOR Deanna joins the other members of the Enterprise crew.
DEANNA He's just like a black hole! I can't do anything with him! When I get back to the Enterprise, I must remember to consult my DSM 147R. Oh, have you made any progress? 
PICARD (SIGHS) None. And look at the ship now. If we delay much longer, we may be stuck here forever! 
PICARD Oh, no... 
PUFFIE Hi, Cap'n. Have you figured out how to save our shippy-wippy yet? 
PUFFIE Well, I thought maybe, if... if we could give the nitwogen in our auxiliary attitude adjustment system a big hug, we could sqweethe it into a liquid, then we could fweethe the poo-poo weawy fast an' then we could go home! 
PICARD Puffie!! For the last time, will you please go... say... wait a minute...
RIKER (ASTONISHED) Sir! Maybe I'm nuts or something, but I think what he just said may have actually made sense! 
PICARD You're right, Number One! I can't believe it! Data, could that idea possibly work?
DATA That idea is viable, sir. Sir, I must remind you that Puffie, as an android, has the same mental abilities and technical skills as myself. He merely seldom chooses to express it.
PICARD All right, Puffie... that's a wonderful idea. Can you do it? 
PUFFIE If you an' big bwudder Data an' evewyone else'll help! 
PICARD Right! Let's get to work!
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after these words from our sponsor. 
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SINGERS Making things better -- Redox! 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. Picard, Data, Riker, and Puffie are working on compressing some of the nitrogen from the shuttle craft's auxiliary attitude adjustment system into a liquid while Song looks on. 
PICARD Puffie, hand me the wrench. 
PUFFIE Here'th widdle ol' Mister Wrenchie! Ooh, I just put another part on the compwession chamber... I get a hug! 
PICARD Puffie, just work!!! 
PUFFIE Big bwudder Data, could you hand me Mister Warp Throttle Assembly?
DATA Here. 
PUFFIE Thank you, big bwudder! You're tho helpful! 
RIKER Damn, this is a hot planet! 
DATA Yes, sir. The large quantities of bacteria in the fecal matter give off heat. 
RIKER So this planet's crust produces its own heat... how interesting.
PICARD The only thing I'm interested in is getting out of here! What are those others doing? They should be helping out! 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Worf and Deanna are talking quietly near Song's house... 
WORF Deanna... there's something I want to ask you...
DEANNA Yes, Worf? 
WORF Would you... make love to me here?
DEANNA Here?? In the shit?! 
WORF Yes... it would be so exquisite.
DEANNA Worf, it's... not a very romantic setting.
WORF On the contrary! Nothing could be more romantic! 
DEANNA Worf, I don't know... 
WORF Please?
DEANNA Oh... all right. But we don't have much time.
WORF Don't worry! It won't take long!
NARRATOR Worf and Deanna head for the remains of Song's house. In the meantime, the others complete the work on the compression chamber.
PICARD There. Now we're ready to use the liquid nitrogen... only we need to get Worf and Deanna here first. We won't have much time to get in the shuttle craft and lift off before the shit melts again.
DATA I am not sure of the location of Worf and the Counselor, sir.
SONG I think they went into my house, and I can only imagine what they're doing in there.
PICARD Well, I can't!
DATA I believe that I sensed some pheromones being emitted from Worf which were indicative of a desire to function.
PICARD Here?!!
DATA I believe so, sir.
PICARD Oh, I... (INDISCERNIBLE MUTTERING) Damn it, we don't have much time! Data, go get them!
DATA Yes, sir.
NARRATOR Data enters Song's house, where he encounters Worf and Deanna.
DEANNA Oh! Data, what are you doing in here? Can't you see we're busy?
DATA You must save your functioning for later. The Captain says it is time to go.
WORF Grrr! 
DEANNA Oh... fine, but just please step outside! We'll be out in a moment... when we're ready.
NARRATOR Data rejoins the others.
DATA They are not ready, sir.
PICARD Well, we'll have to leave without them, then! Come on, let's go. They can get back when we fix the transporters. Well, Song, are you coming? 
SONG I guess so. It's not as if I have anything to lose... except my only home, that is. 
NARRATOR The team uses the liquid nitrogen to freeze the fecal matter surrounding the shuttle craft. Captain Picard, Commander Riker, Lt. Commander Data, Puffie, and Song climb into the shuttle craft.
PICARD All right... now for the moment of truth.
PICARD It worked!! 
RIKER Yes! Let's get out of here! 
DATA Wait, sir. Worf and the Counselor are approaching.
DEANNA (MUFFLED, FROM OUTSIDE OF THE SHUTTLE CRAFT) Wait for us! Please don't leave yet! 
NARRATOR Worf and Deanna get into the shuttle craft.
PICARD My god, Deanna! You're a mess! 
DEANNA Well, you're not the epitome of cleanliness, either. 
RIKER Okay, let's go.
WORF (SIGHS) I sure will miss this place.
PICARD (MUTTERING) I can't believe we were rescued from this place by PUFFIE of all people! What's the matter with Data? Why couldn't he have thought of freezing the shit with liquid nitrogen? Or Riker? Or Worf? But, no, it had to be PUFFIE!
DEANNA Captain, are you all right?
PICARD You and I are both covered with shit and you ask me if I'm all right.
DEANNA Captain!
NARRATOR Our friends return to the Enterprise, where, after having gone through decontamination several times and taken a few showers, they are greeted enthusiastically by the crew members on board the ship.
GEORDI It sure is good to have you guys back again! 
DATA I have similar sentiments towards you, Geordi. Your counterpart was not entirely pleasant. 
GEORDI So I gathered.
DEANNA Oh, I feel awful! Even after going through decontamination twice and taking two showers, I still smell like shit!
WORF I know... it's wonderful! 
DEANNA Uh-oh... excuse me, I have to step into the bathroom. 
NARRATOR Deanna goes into the bridge bathroom.
DEANNA Oh, no, just as I thought. My period's started. I don't want to go all the way back to my quarters for a feminine hygiene product, but these bathroom dispensors never work. Oh, wait... what's that under the sink? Why, I'm in luck! Beverly must have dropped one of hers! 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration! 
This page was published 8/13/98.
Return to the Star Tricked Menu.
Proceed to Episode 8.
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