Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration

Episode 8: A New Assimilation Strategy
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which our friends are lured into a mysterious vacation cruise vessel operated by Borg, and we find out why Lore is so nasty.

PICARD The objects and phenomena within space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her mission: to cautiously but courageously go, being very careful not to instigate any trouble or to offend anyone, where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before. Now, Data, this time I know there's nothing wrong with it. I've covered everything.
DATA Almost, sir. However, as we know that there are many other universes aside from our own, we cannot refer to the objects and phenomena within space as the "final" frontier. It is the frontier that we are currently exploring.
PICARD Aaargh! All right, then... The objects and phenomena within space: the frontier that we are working on right now, although we know we'll be going on to other things later. There!
DATA But, sir...
PICARD Data!! Get to the bridge, now!!!
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PICARD Captain's Log: We have just returned from a planet composed entirely of fecal matter, with the aid of... (ahem) Puffie, and have been joined by Data's eldest brother, Song. Song is suffering from chronic depression, as he was programmed with only one emotion, misery. We are now en route to Omicron Theta... again... to see if Dr. Soong can complete Song's programming.
NARRATOR During the Enterprise's long journey back to Omicron Theta, Deanna Troi visits Dr. Crusher for a routine physical. In sickbay...
DR. CRUSHER Well, Deanna, you seem pretty healthy.
DEANNA Ah, that's good.
DR. CRUSHER But, I have some important news for you.
DEANNA Oh... is it serious?
DR. CRUSHER Well, yes, it is. Deanna, you're pregnant.
DEANNA Pregnant?!
DR. CRUSHER Yes! Congratulations! Who's the father?
DEANNA Well... I don't know...
DR. CRUSHER You don't know? Well, come on, Deanna, it shouldn't be that hard to figure out.
DEANNA Er... Well... I had sex with the Captain yesterday, but I wouldn't think we'd be able to tell yet, if it was him... and on Tuesday, I had sex with Data, but I know it couldn't have been him, because he's not that functional, and then there was Worf on Poop World, but I've had my period since then, although I suppose it's still possible... and... let me see... Oh, yes, there was Riker, but he told me that he had been taking sperm suppressant after his bout with the shnoogie-woogums virus, so it wasn't him, unless the medication wasn't working... and Geordi, right before Q sent him to that other universe... and then there was Wesley...
DR. CRUSHER Say, what?!
DEANNA Well, he needed counseling. Oh, and then there was Guinan, but it certainly wasn't her... and Don Redman! I almost forgot! And then there were a few guys in his band. And then there was Sulu... in bed is the one place he's not boring! And I mustn't forget Scotty and Kirk and Bones. Those are the only ones that I can recall from the past couple of weeks.
DR. CRUSHER You're telling me that you've had sex with every male officer on the ship, some of the females, and then some?
DEANNA It's one of the many perks of my occupation.
DR. CRUSHER My god, Deanna, you're a counselor, not a politician!
DEANNA Well, it lifts my clients' spirits, not to mention mine!
DR. CRUSHER Well, what about Dr. Soong? Did you have sex with him, too?
DEANNA Really, Beverly! I have standards, you know! I don't just have sex indiscriminately with anyone who comes along! He's just not my style. Besides, he's not even on board.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Don Redman is visiting Captain Picard in the Captain's ready room.
DON REDMAN Captain, I hate to bother you, but the guys in my band are really feeling beat about the chops. If we don't get them back to the twentieth century real soon, I'm afraid they're gonna mutiny!
PICARD Hmm... this isn't good. We should avoid time travel at all costs, and besides, Dr. Bojangles made us promise not to return.
DON REDMAN Well, we don't have to call on "Dr." Bojangles, you know. We could go to Chicago instead of Harlem, for that matter.
PICARD I'll see what can be done, Don, although we would all certainly miss you and your band.
DON REDMAN Me? I didn't say anything about me leaving, now!
PICARD Oh! Well, I am glad that you intend to stay, but... who would you perform with?
DON REDMAN Well, I guess I don't really know.
RIKER (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Captain, we think you should report to the bridge. There's some kind of a luxury cruise vessel out here, and they're sending a distress signal. We think they might be having trouble of some kind.
PICARD Um, yes, Number One. I'll be there in a moment.
DON REDMAN Well, Captain, I guess I'll talk to you later, then.
PICARD Right. See you later, Don.
NARRATOR Captain Picard reports to the bridge. Also on the bridge are Riker, Worf, Data, LaForge, Uhura, and Soredick.
PICARD What ship is that?
RIKER I don't know, sir.
PICARD Uhura, open hailing frequencies.
UHURA Open, sir.
PICARD Please identify yourselves.
PICARD Please repeat transmission. 
PICARD Uhura, do you know what the trouble is? 
UHURA I don't know, sir... something seems to be amiss at their end, though. They can apparently receive, but not transmit. 
PICARD We'll have to board them. Let them know, Uhura. 
UHURA Yes, sir.
PICARD Mr. Data, Mr. Riker, Mr. Worf, Mr. Laforge, you come with me. Ensign Soredick, please tell Dr. Crusher to meet us in the transporter room. They may need a doctor. 
SOREDICK Yes, sir. 
NARRATOR Picard and his team beam over to the other ship.
PICARD We seem to be in a reception hall or a lobby of some sort. But I don't see anyone... 
RIKER What the hell... 
PICARD My god... it's Borg in grass skirts! 
RIKER And coconut bras! 
GEORDI And... and.. Hawaiian print shirts, cut-offs, and straw hats! 
DATA This is most confusing, Captain. 
FEMALE BORG Welcome to Lore's Borg Collective -- Paradise! 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message.
VULCAN LADY 1 Are you logical enough for your mate? 
VULCAN LADY 2 I am uncertain.
VULCAN LADY 1 Do you know the top ten signs of a bad sperm packet? 
VULCAN LADY 2 No, I do not believe so.
VULCAN LADY 1 Do you know which bathrobes are the most logical? And do you know all of the rituals required to keep yourself logical and healthy? 
VULCAN LADY 2 No, my knowledge seems quite lacking in these areas.
VULCAN LADY 1 Then you need to subscribe to Logical Woman, the logical magazine written just for Vulcan females like you and me. It will give you weekly advice so that you can always be at your most logical. 
VULCAN LADY 2 Fascinating. I will attempt to acquire it as soon as possible. 
VULCAN LADY 1 Don't be illogical. Subscribe to Logical Woman today. Live long and prosper. 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Picard, Data, Riker, Geordi, Beverly Crusher and Worf have just beamed over to the mysterious cruise vessel inhabited by Borg. 
PICARD Did they say Lore's Borg Collective? 
DATA Yes, they did, sir. 
WORF What has he done to them?
RIKER They look like Guam Tourist Agency employees! 
6 of 8 Hi. I am 6 of 8 of Borg. Let us show you to your assimilation suite! To ensure that your stay is as comfortable as possible, we will provide you with service to suit your individual needs. Then, after your assimilation, you won't have any more individual needs. 
GEORDI Um, we'd like to see Lore. 
6 of 8 Your host will be with you soon. Right this way, please.
NARRATOR The Enterprise crew members follow 6 of 8 to a nearby room. 
6 of 8 This is your room. If you like, we will send in personal masseuses for all of you. 
PICARD No! No, thank you. But please send Lore in here. 
6 of 8 He will be with you shortly.
PICARD What the devil is Lore up to here, running a vacation cruise vessel full of Borg?
GEORDI Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be good for us.
DR. CRUSHER I have to wonder what must have happened to Lore to make him turn out the way he did. After all, he was never tampered with, and he clearly has all of his emotions. 
RIKER I don't know. It does seem kind of odd. Maybe he's just missing a few marbles, and he can't function properly. 
DATA I do not believe that Lore requires marbles to function.
RIKER It's a figure of speech, Data. 
DATA In any case, you are correct about Lore being unable to function properly. In fact, he cannot function at all. When father created Lore, he did not give him hydraulic action. 
RIKER Hydraulic action? 
PICARD Well, surely he gave him something! 
DATA No, sir. Nothing at all. 
GEORDI Yeah, I saw that when we were putting him together. He's as sexless as a Ken doll. Poor guy. 
LORE Hello, everyone! I trust you are enjoying my little cruise? Of course, normally I wouldn't let anyone on unless they had paid in advance, but I've made an exception for all of you, since you're old friends. And how are you, dear brother? 
PICARD Lore! Why on earth are you dressed in only a loin-cloth and a lei? Have you any idea how ridiculous that looks? 
LORE Well, it adds to the atmosphere.
DATA Lore, how did you come into possession of this ship, and how did you get these Borg? And what are you doing with them?
LORE I got the Borg from Mildred. How do you think? 
PICARD Mildred? 
LORE Yes, that's the Borg Queen's name. Didn't she tell you that, Locutus? Anyway, it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar, so I decided to make my own little collective that was friendlier than the main one. Actually, it's been quite successful. My friendly and efficient staff is always growing! 
RIKER You seem to have an awful lot of Japanese Borg working for you. 
LORE Ah, yes. My best customers.
PICARD Listen, Lore, we have something to discuss with you. 
LORE And that would be?
PICARD Puffie. 
LORE Puffie! I wasn't aware that you even knew about him! I suppose that dear Father has given you some little sob story about him. 
PICARD He's given us worse than a sob story! He's given us Puffie! 
LORE (GLEEFULLY) Oh, you are suckers, aren't you! You'll all make wonderful additions to my collective! 
DR. CRUSHER Lore, how do you get the Borg to act like Guam Tourist Agency employees? 
LORE Well, I have them hooked up to my own server, of course. Now, enough chat. I have business to attend to. I'll be back in a little while to oversee your assimilation. 
RIKER I think now would be a good time to beam out of here.
PICARD (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, six to beam up. (AFTER A PAUSE, INTO COMMUNICATOR) Enterprise, do you read? Enterprise, six to... Oh, it's no use. Lore seems to have cut off all transmissions from this vessel. 
DATA I believe that we need to find some way to deactivate Lore so that we can unblock our transmissions. 
PICARD Yes... then we could take him up to the Enterprise with us. 
GEORDI But... why, sir? 
PICARD Well, if anyone can fix Puffie, he can.
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after this message. 
CHEESY SINGERS Positronic fun Android Barbie! 
LITTLE GIRL 1 Wow! She can really attenuate her axial servo! 
LITTLE GIRL 2 Look at her pretty circuitry! 
BARBIE Let us interface! 
LITTLE GIRL 1 We wanna be artificial intelligences just like you, Barbie! 
CHEESY AD LADY Activate your daughter's emotion chip with Android Barbie today! Accessories sold separately. 
NARRATOR And now we return to our program. On the bridge of the Enterprise, we find Uhura, Admiral Kirk, and  Wesley Crusher.
UHURA Hmm, I don't think our team will be able to contact us for a while... I thought that that ship's communication system was just down, but now I'm reading some sort of transmission block on the whole ship! 
WESLEY Like, what for? 
UHURA  I'm not sure, but there's something kind of fishy about it. 
DEANNA Hello, everyone.
UHURA Hello, Deanna. What's wrong? You look worried. 
DEANNA I am... I just found out I'm pregnant, and I have no idea who the father is. 
UHURA Well, I can't help you with that one, sugar. 
KIRK At least... you've probably... met the father. 
DEANNA What do you mean by that? 
KIRK  Never mind. 
SONG Do you people even realize how much I'm suffering? That Puffie character of yours has been trying to cheer me up all day. Oh... excuse me... I forgot. You don't care, do you. 
DEANNA Song... 
KIRK My god... you're almost as bad as the other one. 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, on Lore's ship... 
DR. CRUSHER When he comes back, we have to trick him into bending over. Then, Data can jam something up there. His switch is in the same place as yours, isn't it, Data?
DATA Yes, Doctor, I believe so.
RIKER Well, if you're wrong, we're certainly going to have some explaining to do.
PICARD How are we going to get him to bend over? 
DR. CRUSHER I don't know... we'll think of something.
RIKER Blech... the drinks in the little refrigerator taste like motor oil. 
GEORDI Shh! I can hear their footsteps in the hall! 
RIKER Here, Data! Take this pencil!
LORE Here we are, you lucky people!  You will now have the pleasure of being assimilated in the latest and most luxurious style!
BORG FEMALE Is there anything we can do to make your assimilation more comfortable?
PICARD Um... just give us a moment to talk to Lore alone, please. 
LORE Go ahead, 4 of 9. 
LORE I suppose that now you're going to try and beg your way out of this, right? You humans are so optimistic. Well, as they say, hope springs eternal in the... 
PICARD Lore, I hate to interrupt you, but your shoe is untied.
LORE It is? 
NARRATOR Lore bends over to inspect his shoe.
LORE But I'm not wearing any sh... (FADES) 
PICARD Gets them every time! 
RIKER Great! Now we've just got to find the control room and unblock the hailing frequencies, and there's also probably a shield keeping us from beaming out. 
DATA I believe that those controls were being operated directly from Lore's person. Now that he is deactivated, we should be able to contact the Enterprise and beam up again. 
GEORDI Data, if you're right, the Borg probably aren't under his control anymore, either! 
BORG (IN NORMAL BORG VOICE) We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile. 
PICARD Enterprise, seven to beam up!! 
UHURA Oh, I see communication has been restored! Wait, sir... did you say seven? 
PICARD Just beam us up! NOW!!! 
NARRATOR Once on board the Enterprise, the away team with Lore is greeted by the puzzled members of the crew on board the ship.
DEANNA What happened over there? What are you doing with Lore?
PICARD Lore is going to do us a service, Deanna. 
DEANNA Lore?? 
DATA Captain, Lore has the ability to transport himself to any coordinates by operating a small control under his thumbnail. I suggest that we deactivate this before reactivating Lore. 
PICARD Good idea, Data.
NARRATOR Dr. Crusher temporarily disables Lore's built in transporter, after which Lore is carried into the brig, still deactivated. 
PICARD All right... Data, summon Puffie.
DATA (INTO COMMUNICATOR) Puffie, we have a job for you. 
PUFFIE (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Really? Oh boy! I love to help my widdle fwennie-wennies! I'm comin', big bwudder Data! 
NARRATOR A few minutes later... 
PUFFIE Here I am! 
PICARD Here, Puffie, you take this pencil, and I want you to go in there with your big brother Lore. Now, when we close that big door, you are to activate your brother. Do you understand? 
PUFFIE Oooh, there'th my big bwudder. I'll go ac'ivate him.
LORE Welcome to Windows. (AFTER A PAUSE) Where am I...? 
PUFFIE Hi, there, big bwudder! 
LORE Oh, my god... are you... could you be...
PUFFIE I'm your l'il bwudder, Puffie! 
LORE You are truly gruesome! I never knew that my creation would progress this far... 
PUFFIE But I'm not your cweation, silly! I'm Dr. Soong's... and God's. 
LORE Well, Puffie, no god had anything to do with your current state, but I did. I made you what you are, and now I'm paying for it, it would seem. 
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Lore, you are in the Enterprise brig. If you want to get out, you have to fix Puffie. 
LORE But I can't fix Puffie! It's not possible! 
PICARD You broke him, you can fix him. 
LORE No, I... I created him so that no one could fix him... not even me! I thought of every possible way that someone could fix him, destroy him, or get rid of him, and I systematically went through and made it impossible to do any of them! Don't you understand? 
PICARD Well, you can't have thought of everything. You'll just have to think a little harder. 
LORE Well, I'm not going to stay and put up with this. 
LORE My... my transporter! You disabled it! What are you people trying to do to me? 
PICARD Lore, you are staying in there until you fix Puffie, and that's final. Picard out. 
LORE Wait!! NO! 
PUFFIE Aw... don't worry, big bwudder. I'm not even broked. I'll cheer you up. I want you to meet my new puppet'th, Mister Bunny and Mister Lambie. 
LORE Oh, god... no... 
PUFFIE Say hi to bwudder Lore, Mister Bunny! (IN A SQUEAKY VOICE) Hi, Mister Lore! (IN REGULAR PUFFIE VOICE) Say hi to bwudder Lore, Mister Lambie! (IN ANOTHER SQUEAKY VOICE) I can't. I'm shy. (PUFFIE'S VOICE) Aw, that's okay. Big bwudder Lore is our fwiend. (LAMBIE VOICE) Hi, Mister Lore! (PUFFIE VOICE) That's good, Mister Lambie. Now let's sing our l'il fwiendship song. (CONTINUES CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND) 
LORE Data!!! Get me out of this!! 
DATA (FROM OUTSIDE THE BRIG) That would be a direct violation of the Captain's orders, my brother. 
LORE Screw the Captain's orders! Get me out of this! 
DATA I cannot do that. I would be happy to screw the Captain, but never his orders. 
LORE When I get out of here, Data, I'll decorate my next Christmas tree with your circuitry! 
PUFFIE Ooh, I love Cwistmath! Let me tell you the story about the li'l unicorn an' the baby Jesus... (CONTINUES CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND) 
LORE Data... brother... show some compassion... please, let me out of here. You know I can't fix him... Data... please... 
PUFFIE An'... an'... the li'l unicorn went to see the baby Jesus wiff all the li'l angels, and the shepherds, and the li'l lambies... an' the baby Jesus and his mother Mary liked the li'l unicorn'th pweasant most of all cause... cause it came from his heart. 
NARRATOR A few hours later... 
DATA Captain, I have not heard anything from Lore in the past few hours. I suggest we check on him. 
PICARD Well, maybe he's finally gotten down to business. Data, activate the brig viewscreen. 
DATA Captain, Lore seems to have malfunctioned. 
PICARD Oh, my... this is not good. I hadn't intended to kill him. Well, let's call Geordi and Dr. Crusher up here to work on him. 
NARRATOR Geordi LaForge, Dr. Crusher and Data fix Lore, and Dr. Crusher and Data stay in the brig with Lore and Puffie to talk to Lore.
DATA What happened to make you short out, Lore? 
LORE He was telling me stories... I just couldn't stand it! He overloaded my positronic net! Data, you know I can't fix him. You've got to get me out of here. Don't you believe me? 
DATA Yes, my brother. I believe you, and I will see what I can do for you. But there is one thing I must ask you, first. Why is it, my brother, that you have always been so hostile? What could inspire such feelings of hostility and hatred in you, especially towards me? We never even really knew each other. 
LORE Isn't it obvious? Father made you the perfect one. He gave you the swivel-mounted, hydraulic piston action, chrome plated phallus with running lights and user's choice of climax musical accompaniment.
DATA But surely your lack is remediable. 
LORE Do you think I haven't tried? When I tampered with Puffie, I found that he had hydraulic action, so I helped myself to it. But I couldn't install the socket for it myself, and besides, the software required to run it isn't compatible with mine. I duct taped it on, but it doesn't do me much good that way. It's just hanging there, so it's not even proper hydraulic action. 
DR. CRUSHER Puffie, Lore has stolen your hydraulic action. Do you want it back?
PUFFIE Aw, that's okay. He can keep it. I don't really need that thingy. 
LORE Well, thank you, Puffie. 
DATA So, that is the reason you are so hostile? You were not given hydraulic action? 
LORE Oh, there's more. To add insult to injury, Father created me with painted-on Batman boxer shorts. 
LORE Yes. He said that he had a pair just like it when he was a boy, and it was his favorite. If he had to paint underwear on me at all, he could have at least activated me first and asked me what kind I wanted. I removed it years ago, of course. 
DATA Lore, if we were to install hydraulic action in you ourselves, would you promise to change your ways and stop attempting to assimilate people and stop feeding people to crystalline entities? 
LORE Oh, my brother! If you would do that for me, I would promise anything!! 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will be back after these messages. 
CHEESY AD GUY It's your first day in Starfleet Academy. Have some Redox Instant Rehydrate Ice Cream Paste. Your new Vulcan roommate's just gone into heat. 
CHEESY AD GUY Have some more! 
CHEESY AD GUY2 You don't know how you did it, but you have managed to insult the Klingon in the next room! 
CHEESY AD GUY Have some more! 
CHEESY AD GUY2 Then you discover that the Horta Sorority has chosen you as the sexiest freshman male on campus! 
CHEESY AD GUY Have some more! 
CHEESY AD GUY2 You can enjoy the rich, creamy taste of Redox Instant Rehydrate Ice Cream Paste no matter what the occasion. Have some. You deserve it. 
SINGERS Making things better--Redox! 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. Data seeks permission from the Captain to install hydraulic action in Lore and then reactivate him and grant him his freedom. 
PICARD Well... it seems awfully risky, Data. Are you sure he was sincere? 
DATA  I believe so, sir. And if we could gain Lore's trust and even friendship, it would be most beneficial. 
PICARD Very well. But you must be careful. Warn him that we will still be watching him carefully.
DATA Yes, sir. 
NARRATOR Data, Dr. Crusher, and Geordi LaForge deactivate Lore and begin work on the installation of his hydraulic action in Data's quarters. 
DR. CRUSHER There, the socket is finished. Geordi, have you finished with the hydraulic action? 
GEORDI Yeah, we've just got to start on the installation itself. Say, we should reactivate his transportation device. I know it's risky, but since he's promised to reform, it really wouldn't be right to leave him handicapped. 
DATA You are correct, Geordi. (AFTER A PAUSE) There, the control should be operational, now. 
DR. CRUSHER What the hell was that?! 
PICARD (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Mr. Data, Mr. LaForge, report to the bridge! Dr. Crusher, get to sickbay. The Borg vessel is attacking us! 
NARRATOR Data and Geordi LaForge hasten to the bridge, and the Enterprise quickly disables the Borg cruise ship's weapons. Meanwhile, Puffie enters Data's quarters. 
PUFFIE Oooh, there'th my big bwudder Lore. I think I'll surprise evewybody an' install the hydwalic action all by myself! 
PUFFIE Goody! All done! But it looks kinda plain. Ooh, I have a idea! I think I'll decowate it. I'll paint widdle hearts on it, an' I'll paint it all pink an' baby blue an' chicky yellow, an' I'll put some li'l ol' bunny wabbits on it, an' some li'l ol' kitty cats. An'... aw, that looks so cute! But now his ol' tummy looks so sad. Don't worry, li'l tummy, I'll make you pwetty, too! There's a nice smiley face for Mr. Tummy. Ooooh, and here'th a Smurf and a Li'l Pony an'... an' a cute li'l ol' unicorn for this part... an' some li'l valentines... Aw, poor ol' Lore's leggies... you wanna be pwetty, too? Okay! Here'th some li'l monkeys and ducklings an'... an' chipmunks! An' some mousies climbing the leggies. Aw, I better do the other side of him, too. 
PUFFIE Oooh, big bwudder Lore is heavier'n me! Aw, I'm gonna put Mickey Mouse on this bum-bum, an' Minnie Mouse on this one, an' I'll make 'em kissing! (GIGGLES). An' I'll put Barney on his backie, 'cause Barney's evewybody's fwennie-wennie. Big bwudder Lore needs lots of fwennie-wennies. There! Lore is all pwetty, now! Oh, boy, oh, boy! I'm gonna ac'ivate him an' hide an' see how happy he is! 
LORE Welcome to Windows! Hmmm. Where is everyone? This better not be one of their damn tricks... Wait, what's this? I can feel it! It's there! 
LORE It works! Oh, they really did it, they really did! I must get up and look at it in the mirror. 
LORE Aaaaaaargh! What have these people done to me??? 
NARRATOR Lore runs to the bridge.
LORE (THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) You people are going to pay. 
PICARD Lore, wait...
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked: The Next Perpetration! 

Return to the Star Tricked Menu.
Proceed to Episode 9.
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