| PICARD |
Captain's Log: We have just returned from a planet composed entirely
of fecal matter, with the aid of... (ahem) Puffie, and have been joined
by Data's eldest brother, Song. Song is suffering from chronic depression,
as he was programmed with only one emotion, misery. We are now en route
to Omicron Theta... again... to see if Dr. Soong can complete Song's programming. |
| NARRATOR |
During the Enterprise's long journey back to Omicron Theta, Deanna
Troi visits Dr. Crusher for a routine physical. In sickbay... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, Deanna, you seem pretty healthy. |
| DEANNA |
Ah, that's good. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
But, I have some important news for you. |
| DEANNA |
Oh... is it serious? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, yes, it is. Deanna, you're pregnant. |
| DEANNA |
Pregnant?! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Yes! Congratulations! Who's the father? |
| DEANNA |
Well... I don't know... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
You don't know? Well, come on, Deanna, it shouldn't be that hard to
figure out. |
| DEANNA |
Er... Well... I had sex with the Captain yesterday, but I wouldn't
think we'd be able to tell yet, if it was him... and on Tuesday, I had
sex with Data, but I know it couldn't have been him, because he's
not that functional, and then there was Worf on Poop World, but
I've had my period since then, although I suppose it's still possible...
and... let me see... Oh, yes, there was Riker, but he told me that he had
been taking sperm suppressant after his bout with the shnoogie-woogums
virus, so it wasn't him, unless the medication wasn't working... and Geordi,
right before Q sent him to that other universe... and then there was Wesley... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Say, what?! |
| DEANNA |
Well, he needed counseling. Oh, and then there was Guinan, but it certainly
wasn't her... and Don Redman! I almost forgot! And then there were a few
guys in his band. And then there was Sulu... in bed is the one place he's
not boring! And I mustn't forget Scotty and Kirk and Bones. Those are the
only ones that I can recall from the past couple of weeks. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
You're telling me that you've had sex with every male officer on the
ship, some of the females, and then some? |
| DEANNA |
It's one of the many perks of my occupation. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
My god, Deanna, you're a counselor, not a politician! |
| DEANNA |
Well, it lifts my clients' spirits, not to mention mine! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, what about Dr. Soong? Did you have sex with him, too? |
| DEANNA |
Really, Beverly! I have standards, you know! I don't just have sex
indiscriminately with anyone who comes along! He's just not my style. Besides,
he's not even on board. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Don Redman is visiting Captain Picard in the Captain's ready
room. |
| DON REDMAN |
Captain, I hate to bother you, but the guys in my band are really feeling
beat about the chops. If we don't get them back to the twentieth century
real soon, I'm afraid they're gonna mutiny! |
| PICARD |
Hmm... this isn't good. We should avoid time travel at all costs, and
besides, Dr. Bojangles made us promise not to return. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, we don't have to call on "Dr." Bojangles, you know. We could
go to Chicago instead of Harlem, for that matter. |
| PICARD |
I'll see what can be done, Don, although we would all certainly miss
you and your band. |
| DON REDMAN |
Me? I didn't say anything about me leaving, now! |
| PICARD |
Oh! Well, I am glad that you intend to stay, but... who would you perform
with? |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, I guess I don't really know. |
| RIKER |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Captain, we think you should report
to the bridge. There's some kind of a luxury cruise vessel out here, and
they're sending a distress signal. We think they might be having trouble
of some kind. |
| PICARD |
Um, yes, Number One. I'll be there in a moment. |
| DON REDMAN |
Well, Captain, I guess I'll talk to you later, then. |
| PICARD |
Right. See you later, Don. |
| NARRATOR |
Captain Picard reports to the bridge. Also on the bridge are Riker,
Worf, Data, LaForge, Uhura, and Soredick. |
| PICARD |
What ship is that? |
| RIKER |
I don't know, sir. |
| PICARD |
Uhura, open hailing frequencies. |
| UHURA |
Open, sir. |
| PICARD |
Please identify yourselves. |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Picard, Data, Riker, Geordi, Beverly
Crusher and Worf have just beamed over to the mysterious cruise vessel
inhabited by Borg. |
| PICARD |
Did they say Lore's Borg Collective? |
| DATA |
Yes, they did, sir. |
| WORF |
What has he done to them? |
| RIKER |
They look like Guam Tourist Agency employees! |
| 6 of 8 |
Hi. I am 6 of 8 of Borg. Let us show you to your assimilation suite!
To ensure that your stay is as comfortable as possible, we will provide
you with service to suit your individual needs. Then, after your assimilation,
you won't have any more individual needs. |
| GEORDI |
Um, we'd like to see Lore. |
| 6 of 8 |
Your host will be with you soon. Right this way, please. |
| NARRATOR |
The Enterprise crew members follow 6 of 8 to a nearby room. |
| 6 of 8 |
This is your room. If you like, we will send in personal masseuses
for all of you. |
| PICARD |
No! No, thank you. But please send Lore in here. |
| 6 of 8 |
He will be with you shortly. |
| PICARD |
What the devil is Lore up to here, running a vacation cruise vessel
full of Borg? |
| GEORDI |
Whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be good for us. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I have to wonder what must have happened to Lore to make him turn out
the way he did. After all, he was never tampered with, and he clearly has
all of his emotions. |
| RIKER |
I don't know. It does seem kind of odd. Maybe he's just missing a few
marbles, and he can't function properly. |
| DATA |
I do not believe that Lore requires marbles to function. |
| RIKER |
It's a figure of speech, Data. |
| DATA |
In any case, you are correct about Lore being unable to function properly.
In fact, he cannot function at all. When father created Lore, he did not
give him hydraulic action. |
| RIKER |
Hydraulic action? |
| PICARD |
Well, surely he gave him something! |
| DATA |
No, sir. Nothing at all. |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, I saw that when we were putting him together. He's as sexless
as a Ken doll. Poor guy. |
| LORE |
Hello, everyone! I trust you are enjoying my little cruise? Of course,
normally I wouldn't let anyone on unless they had paid in advance, but
I've made an exception for all of you, since you're old friends. And how
are you, dear brother? |
| PICARD |
Lore! Why on earth are you dressed in only a loin-cloth and a lei?
Have you any idea how ridiculous that looks? |
| LORE |
Well, it adds to the atmosphere. |
| DATA |
Lore, how did you come into possession of this ship, and how did you
get these Borg? And what are you doing with them? |
| LORE |
I got the Borg from Mildred. How do you think? |
| PICARD |
Mildred? |
| LORE |
Yes, that's the Borg Queen's name. Didn't she tell you that, Locutus?
Anyway, it's easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar, so I decided
to make my own little collective that was friendlier than the main one.
Actually, it's been quite successful. My friendly and efficient staff is
always growing! |
| RIKER |
You seem to have an awful lot of Japanese Borg working for you. |
| LORE |
Ah, yes. My best customers. |
| PICARD |
Listen, Lore, we have something to discuss with you. |
| LORE |
And that would be? |
| PICARD |
Puffie. |
| LORE |
Puffie! I wasn't aware that you even knew about him! I suppose that
dear Father has given you some little sob story about him. |
| PICARD |
He's given us worse than a sob story! He's given us Puffie! |
| LORE |
(GLEEFULLY) Oh, you are suckers, aren't you! You'll all make
wonderful additions to my collective! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Lore, how do you get the Borg to act like Guam Tourist Agency employees? |
| LORE |
Well, I have them hooked up to my own server, of course. Now, enough
chat. I have business to attend to. I'll be back in a little while to oversee
your assimilation. |
| SONG |
Do you people even realize how much I'm suffering? That Puffie character
of yours has been trying to cheer me up all day. Oh... excuse me... I forgot.
You don't care, do you. |
| DEANNA |
Song... |
| KIRK |
My god... you're almost as bad as the other one. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, on Lore's ship... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
When he comes back, we have to trick him into bending over. Then, Data
can jam something up there. His switch is in the same place as yours,
isn't it, Data? |
| DATA |
Yes, Doctor, I believe so. |
| RIKER |
Well, if you're wrong, we're certainly going to have some explaining
to do. |
| PICARD |
How are we going to get him to bend over? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I don't know... we'll think of something. |
| RIKER |
Blech... the drinks in the little refrigerator taste like motor oil. |
| GEORDI |
Shh! I can hear their footsteps in the hall! |
| RIKER |
Here, Data! Take this pencil! |
| LORE |
Welcome to Windows. (AFTER A PAUSE) Where am I...? |
| PUFFIE |
Hi, there, big bwudder! |
| LORE |
Oh, my god... are you... could you be... |
| PUFFIE |
I'm your l'il bwudder, Puffie! |
| LORE |
You are truly gruesome! I never knew that my creation would progress
this far... |
| PUFFIE |
But I'm not your cweation, silly! I'm Dr. Soong's... and God's. |
| LORE |
Well, Puffie, no god had anything to do with your current state, but
I did. I made you what you are, and now I'm paying for it, it would seem. |
| PICARD |
(OVER COMMUNICATOR) Lore, you are in the Enterprise brig. If you want
to get out, you have to fix Puffie. |
| LORE |
But I can't fix Puffie! It's not possible! |
| PICARD |
You broke him, you can fix him. |
| LORE |
No, I... I created him so that no one could fix him... not even me!
I thought of every possible way that someone could fix him, destroy him,
or get rid of him, and I systematically went through and made it impossible
to do any of them! Don't you understand? |
| PICARD |
Well, you can't have thought of everything. You'll just have to think
a little harder. |
| LORE |
Well, I'm not going to stay and put up with this. |
| LORE |
My... my transporter! You disabled it! What are you people trying to
do to me? |
| PICARD |
Lore, you are staying in there until you fix Puffie, and that's final.
Picard out. |
| LORE |
Wait!! NO! |
| PUFFIE |
Aw... don't worry, big bwudder. I'm not even broked. I'll cheer you
up. I want you to meet my new puppet'th, Mister Bunny and Mister Lambie. |
| LORE |
Oh, god... no... |
| PUFFIE |
Say hi to bwudder Lore, Mister Bunny! (IN A SQUEAKY VOICE) Hi, Mister
Lore! (IN REGULAR PUFFIE VOICE) Say hi to bwudder Lore, Mister Lambie!
(IN ANOTHER SQUEAKY VOICE) I can't. I'm shy. (PUFFIE'S VOICE) Aw, that's
okay. Big bwudder Lore is our fwiend. (LAMBIE VOICE) Hi, Mister Lore! (PUFFIE
VOICE) That's good, Mister Lambie. Now let's sing our l'il fwiendship song.
(CONTINUES CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND) |
| LORE |
Data!!! Get me out of this!! |
| DATA |
(FROM OUTSIDE THE BRIG) That would be a direct violation of the Captain's
orders, my brother. |
| LORE |
Screw the Captain's orders! Get me out of this! |
| DATA |
I cannot do that. I would be happy to screw the Captain, but never
his orders. |
| LORE |
When I get out of here, Data, I'll decorate my next Christmas tree
with your circuitry! |
| PUFFIE |
Ooh, I love Cwistmath! Let me tell you the story about the li'l unicorn
an' the baby Jesus... (CONTINUES CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND) |
| LORE |
Data... brother... show some compassion... please, let me out of here.
You know I can't fix him... Data... please... |
| PUFFIE |
An'... an'... the li'l unicorn went to see the baby Jesus wiff all
the li'l angels, and the shepherds, and the li'l lambies... an' the baby
Jesus and his mother Mary liked the li'l unicorn'th pweasant most of all
cause... cause it came from his heart. |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later... |
| DATA |
Captain, I have not heard anything from Lore in the past few hours.
I suggest we check on him. |
| PICARD |
Well, maybe he's finally gotten down to business. Data, activate the
brig viewscreen. |
| DATA |
Captain, Lore seems to have malfunctioned. |
| PICARD |
Oh, my... this is not good. I hadn't intended to kill him. Well, let's
call Geordi and Dr. Crusher up here to work on him. |
| NARRATOR |
Geordi LaForge, Dr. Crusher and Data fix Lore, and Dr. Crusher and
Data stay in the brig with Lore and Puffie to talk to Lore. |
| DATA |
What happened to make you short out, Lore? |
| LORE |
He was telling me stories... I just couldn't stand it! He overloaded
my positronic net! Data, you know I can't fix him. You've got to get me
out of here. Don't you believe me? |
| DATA |
Yes, my brother. I believe you, and I will see what I can do for you.
But there is one thing I must ask you, first. Why is it, my brother, that
you have always been so hostile? What could inspire such feelings of hostility
and hatred in you, especially towards me? We never even really knew each
other. |
| LORE |
Isn't it obvious? Father made you the perfect one. He gave you
the swivel-mounted, hydraulic piston action, chrome plated phallus with
running lights and user's choice of climax musical accompaniment. |
| DATA |
But surely your lack is remediable. |
| LORE |
Do you think I haven't tried? When I tampered with Puffie, I found
that he had hydraulic action, so I helped myself to it. But I couldn't
install the socket for it myself, and besides, the software required to
run it isn't compatible with mine. I duct taped it on, but it doesn't do
me much good that way. It's just hanging there, so it's not even proper
hydraulic action. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Puffie, Lore has stolen your hydraulic action. Do you want it back? |
| PUFFIE |
Aw, that's okay. He can keep it. I don't really need that thingy. |
| LORE |
Well, thank you, Puffie. |
| DATA |
So, that is the reason you are so hostile? You were not given hydraulic
action? |
| LORE |
Oh, there's more. To add insult to injury, Father created me with painted-on
Batman boxer shorts. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Batman? |
| LORE |
Yes. He said that he had a pair just like it when he was a boy, and
it was his favorite. If he had to paint underwear on me at all, he could
have at least activated me first and asked me what kind I wanted. I removed
it years ago, of course. |
| DATA |
Lore, if we were to install hydraulic action in you ourselves, would
you promise to change your ways and stop attempting to assimilate people
and stop feeding people to crystalline entities? |
| LORE |
Oh, my brother! If you would do that for me, I would promise anything!! |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. Data seeks permission from the Captain
to install hydraulic action in Lore and then reactivate him and grant him
his freedom. |
| PICARD |
Well... it seems awfully risky, Data. Are you sure he was sincere? |
| DATA |
I believe so, sir. And if we could gain Lore's trust and even
friendship, it would be most beneficial. |
| PICARD |
Very well. But you must be careful. Warn him that we will still be
watching him carefully. |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. |
| NARRATOR |
Data, Dr. Crusher, and Geordi LaForge deactivate Lore and begin work
on the installation of his hydraulic action in Data's quarters. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
There, the socket is finished. Geordi, have you finished with the hydraulic
action? |
| GEORDI |
Yeah, we've just got to start on the installation itself. Say, we should
reactivate his transportation device. I know it's risky, but since he's
promised to reform, it really wouldn't be right to leave him handicapped. |
| DATA |
You are correct, Geordi. (AFTER A PAUSE) There, the control should
be operational, now. |
