Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration

Episode 9: Troi-ing Circumstances
by Megaera and Brenna Lorenz and Malachi Pulte
This is a radio script parody of Star Trek, in which Deanna has her baby, Data has a rough time,  and we meet the redoubtable Spider Babe, Termitièrian ambassador.
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC/ BREAKOUT
 
PICARD The objects and phenomena within space: the frontier that we are exploring right now, although we will move on to other things when we are finished. These are the voyages of the Starship... no, no, Data, don't say anything... these are the voyages of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. Their mission: to cautiously, but courageously go, being very careful not to offend anyone or instigate any trouble, where no entity with any kind of a consciousness, collective or otherwise, has ever gone before... let me see... um... excluding those undiscovered entities that are in those new places that we are exploring. There!
DATA Excellent, sir! I must congratulate you! However, it is a rather awkward introduction... could you not make it more concise? Sir... what are you doing with that phaser? Sir...?
MUSIC: THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration is brought to you by Redox, Inc. And now, a word from our sponsor.
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CHEESY AD GUY Your child deserves the best, so get Redox Nutra-Synth.
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox!
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
PICARD Captain's Personal Log: It has now been several months since our encounter with Lore. Because of his irresponsible actions, Puffie has been sentenced to the brig. Deanna will soon be giving birth to... my son. Unfortunately, Dr. Crusher, along with Admiral Kirk and Lt. Commander LaForge, is currently meeting with the ambassador of a newly discovered planet, Termitière, so Dr. McCoy will have to deliver the baby. I am feeling somewhat apprehensive about Deanna's situation. I just don't know if I'm ready to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood...
RIKER First Officer's Personal Log: I really never expected that I would become a father while on duty! I'm very excited about the prospect, but I'm a bit worried... how will I be able to manage having a new baby at the same time as being the commander of a starship?
WORF Lt. Commander's Personal Log: My encounter with Deanna on Poop World has resulted in something more than I had expected. What will I say to Alexander? I never imagined that I would become a father again.
NARRATOR In Ten Forward, Deanna, Guinan, and Uhura talk about the imminent arrival of Deanna's baby.
UHURA Deanna, I think every man on board thinks he's the father of that baby.
GUINAN Yeah, Don and all the guys in his band have been getting sloshed and talking about what they're going to name it.
DEANNA Well, I kind of hope it was Riker. He's so good looking.
GUINAN Riker?! Well, I guess he's not so bad.
UHURA Especially with that beard.
DEANNA Yes, I think beards are really sexy. Especially when the beard is a lighter color than the rest of the man's hair.
NARRATOR Meanwhile, Data, who has just come into Ten Forward, overhears the women's conversation.
DATA (TO HIMSELF) Mm... perhaps, if I acquired a beard, it would enhance my sexual attractiveness. But how will I accomplish this? I am unable to grow hair. Perhaps I could create some synthetic hair.
NARRATOR Data goes into the officers' mess, which is deserted.
DATA (TO HIMSELF) I believe it might be possible to program one of the food synthesizers to create a hair-like substance.
NARRATOR Data experiments with the programming of the food synthesizer.
DATA These results are not really what I had in mind. I believe that this substance is too brittle to function as hair. I will have to derive my hair from some other source.
NARRATOR Data heads back to his quarters to try to think of a way to acquire hair.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
SPOT Meow? 
DATA Hello, Spot. I am back. 
SPOT (PURRS LOUDLY) 
DATA Hmmm... Spot, stay right where you are. I must get something. 
SFX: ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING
 
SPOT Mwerow! 
DATA Do not be alarmed, Spot. I will not remove all your hair. 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, on the shuttle craft en route to Termitière... 
GEORDI This is a very exciting mission. Do you realize that the people of Termitière are the first non-humanoid sentient species we have found in more than a century? 
KIRK Exciting for you, perhaps, young man, but not so much for me...
DR. CRUSHER Well, I would imagine that this mission is a little tame for you, Admiral. There's not much swordplay involved in escorting an ambassador. 
KIRK At my age, I am not all that interested in "swordplay," as you put it, Doctor. But I am still interested in good-looking women, and I doubt if I will find any on a planet populated by bug people. Present company excluded, of course. 
DR. CRUSHER Hmph!
GEORDI They're not bug people, sir. Their physiology is nothing at all like those of terrestrial insects. 
KIRK That may be true, Lt. Commander. But whatever their physiology may or may not be, they still look like a bunch of damn giant bugs. 
DR. CRUSHER They look more like spiders to me. 
GEORDI Well, whatever they look like, we've got to keep in mind that they're people, and we should treat them as such. 
DR. CRUSHER The shuttle craft is landing, you two. Get ready.
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration will be back after this message. 
CHEESY AD GUY Here you are in Starfleet Academy. It's the day of your first simulated mission, you're acting as the captain, and all the other cadets are depending on you to lead them... and you get a tooth-ache. 
CADETS (BOOING AND HISSING)
CHEESY AD GUY What you need is Redox Reductal! Redox Reductal soothes and relieves pain in a nanosecond! 
ADMIRAL Congratulations, Cadet! 
CADETS Yay! 
SINGERS Making things better -- Redox! 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now back to our program. Data is just leaving his quarters when he encounters Song... 
SONG What happened to you?
DATA I have acquired a beard, my brother.
SONG I wouldn't have believed it was possible, but you've actually managed to make yourself look even worse than you did already. 
DATA I was under the impression that it would enhance my attractiveness. 
SONG You look enough like me so that nothing you can do will ever make you attractive. 
DATA On the contrary, Song, there are many people on this ship who consider me attractive. 
SONG Well, you're not actually me, so I suppose it's possible. (SIGHS) Naturally, no one would ever find me at all attractive. I'm just Song, the dumpy android with the personality problem and seams. 
SFX: SPRO-I-I-I-NG!
SFX: CLANG!
 
SONG And then there's that. There goes my arm again. As usual.
DATA Seams... yes, I believe that Lore also has seams. Luckily, that is a problem that was... 
SONG That was fixed by the time you were made. Yes, I know. Just rub it in, why don't you.
NARRATOR Data and Song part company and Data heads for the bridge, where Picard, Deanna, and Uhura are waiting for news from the away team. On the bridge... 
DEANNA The strangest thing just happened to me in the officer's mess. I wanted to get some chocolate from the food synthesizer, and instead this... stuff came out. It looked like green hair. And it didn't taste like chocolate at all. It was awful! 
PICARD How curious. It sounds as though we need to send maintenance down there to look at it again... 
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
PICARD (AFTER A LONG PAUSE) Data... what did you do to your face???!!! 
DEANNA It looks like you ate a Sugar Daddy and kissed your cat!
DATA I have acquired a beard.
PICARD Data... it looks like Spot's hair! What were you thinking?
DATA I was only trying to enhance my attractiveness. Do you not like it? 
UHURA I've got news for you, Sugar... 
PICARD Data, get rid of it.
DATA Very well, sir. 
NARRATOR Data goes back to his quarters.
SONG Well? What did they think of it? As if I need to ask. 
DATA Your assessment was apparently correct, Song. But I am puzzled... I overheard Deanna specifically say that light-colored beards on men were attractive. 
SONG I told you they wouldn't like it, but you didn't believe me, naturally. Nobody ever believes me. I'm just the dumb android who doesn't know anything. Old good-for-nothing Song. 
NARRATOR Data removes his beard and then goes to visit the captain in his ready room. 
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
DATA Greetings, Captain. I have removed the beard.
PICARD Ah, good. Trust me, dear, you don't have to try to change yourself at all for me. I love you just the way you are.
DATA Thank you, Captain. I... I... I...
PICARD Data? Data, are you all right?!
DATA The application "unknown" has unexpectedly quit because an error of type 1 occurred. You may wish to restart the unit.
PICARD Oh, my! Data, darling, what's the matter? Is it serious?
DATA  I... I do not believe so, sir. However, I advise that you do restart me, then take me to engineering for an evaluation and a hard drive optimization and defragmentation. 
PICARD Of course, Data. Come along, love, let's go and see if Scotty can help you.
DATA But, Captain... 
PICARD Hold still and let me restart you, dear.
NARRATOR Picard restarts Data and brings him to engineering.
PICARD Scotty, Data seems to be having some sort of trouble. Do you think you could give him a checkup?
DATA Captain, I do not believe that...
SCOTTY Well, Captain, I'll see what I can do. These new-fangled machines don't make a wee bit of sense to me, you know. 
PICARD All he needs is a routine checkup, Scotty.
SCOTTY Aye, sir. I'll see what I can do. Sit down, laddie, and let me take a look at you. 
DATA But... 
PICARD Make it so, Data! 
DATA Yes, sir. 
SCOTTY Now let me see. How do we take a look inside, do you suppose? Ah, here we are.
SFX: CLICK
 
SCOTTY Would you mind holding the top of his head for me, Captain? Thank you, sir. Now, let me see. What do all these little buttons mean? I don't know! 
DATA (NERVOUSLY) Press the green one directly above my forehead. 
SCOTTY I'm colorblind, laddie.
DATA On the right! 
SCOTTY I'm dyslexic! 
DATA Captain, please... 
SCOTTY Is it this one? 
SFX: BEEP!
 
MECHANICAL          VOICE Self destruct sequence activated. Unit will self destruct in one minute. 59, 58, 57... (COUNTDOWN CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND) 
PICARD AND DATA Shut it off! 
SCOTTY Oh, my goodness! I'm not sure how! 
DATA (FRANTICALLY) Press the one right above it! Now! Hurry! 
SCOTTY I'm doing my best, lad... 
SFX: BEEP!
 
MECHANICAL VOICE Self destruct sequence accelerated. Self destruct will now proceed in 15 seconds. 14, 13...
DATA Aaaaaugh! 
PICARD Damn it, no! This one! 
SFX: BEEP!
 
MECHANICAL VOICE Self destruct sequence aborted.
DATA (SIGHS WITH RELIEF)
SCOTTY (LAUGHING) My, my, that was a close one, wasn't it. Let me see now. Maybe it's this one. 
SFX: BEEP!
SFX: SLOSHING AND MECHANICAL SOUNDS
 
DATA (IN HIGH, FEMALE VOICE) What have you done to me? I do not wish to be female! 
SCOTTY Well, I must say it's a wee bit of an improvement, laddie... er, lassie. 
PICARD Change him back!! 
SCOTTY I'm not sure how... 
DATA Just press that button again. 
SFX: BEEP!
SFX: SLOSHING AND MECHANICAL SOUNDS
 
DATA (IN NORMAL VOICE) That is much better. Captain, I believe that I can wait until Geordi gets back...
SCOTTY Now, now, laddie, I believe I can figure you out yet. I think it must be this one. 
SFX: BEEP!
SFX: FLOOMP!
SFX: PIANO BEING BANGED/SHAKEN
 
SCOTTY Why, I've never seen the like! A piano just comes a-burstin' out of his chest like an airbag on an old car! Now, let me just see if I can put this away... 
SFX: BEEP!
SFX: SHLOOK
 
SCOTTY It worked! Now let me see if this is the button we've been looking for... 
DATA (FRANTICALLY) Captain, please, it is not a serious malfunction... 
SFX: BEEP!
SFX: CLICK!
SFX: THUD!
 
PICARD (ANGUISHED) Data!! No!!! Scotty, reattach his head right this minute! 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, on Termitière, the away team is greeted by the natives of the planet. 
SFX: CLICKING, SQUEAKING, AND HISSING
 
GEORDI I think they're speaking to us. 
KIRK Remarkable! An alien species that doesn't speak English. How inconvenient. 
DR. CRUSHER I believe this gear includes translators... 
GEORDI Yes... here it is. 
SFX: CLICK!
 
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 ...and I think these animals not understand speech. 
TERMITIÈRIAN 2 Just look at them! They look like meat monkeys.
KIRK Greetings from the United Federation of Planets. I am Admiral James T. Kirk. 
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 Eh?...Welcome to Termitière! Come with us and we introduce you to great ambassador. 
NARRATOR The away team follows the Termitièrians into a nearby building.
KIRK (IN A WHISPER) They all look alike. This is going to be hard to get used to. 
DR. CRUSHER (IN A WHISPER) Their buildings look like hives or termite mounds or something.
TERMITIÈRIAN 1 Here we are... and here comes honorable ambassador. 
SFX: SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS
 
KIRK (IN A WHISPER) My god... she's enormous!
DR. CRUSHER (IN A WHISPER) And they all move so fast! I'm glad these people are our allies... 
GEORDI Hello, Ambassador. We've come to escort you to the Federation headquarters. 
SPIDER BABE Greetings, ladies. You do me great honor. My name is Spider Babe. 
DR. CRUSHER (QUIETLY) Spider Babe?! 
GEORDI (QUIETLY) I'm sure it's just the translation.
KIRK Ladies?? Excuse me, madam, but I am Admiral James T. Kirk, and I am not a lady, I assure you. I am male. 
SPIDER BABE What is this? The Federation has sent males to escort me to my post? This is an insult that cannot be borne! 
DR. CRUSHER I am female, Ambassador Spider Babe. These two males are merely my... uh... servants. 
KIRK What? I'm not -- ouch! Hey! 
SPIDER BABE Your servant seems rather impetuous.
DR. CRUSHER I apologize, Madam Ambassador, for the behavior of my servant. The males of my species are slow to learn and difficult to train. I beg for your understanding. 
SPIDER BABE And I apologize for my quick temper. The males of my species are the same. And what is your name? 
DR. CRUSHER Oh... I'm sorry. My name is Beverly Crusher. 
SPIDER BABE Really! An odd and striking name... well, perhaps it's just the translator. 
GEORDI Um... Honorable Madam Ambassador Spider Babe, we have been told that you will be accompanied by an entourage of nineteen people. Is that correct? 
SPIDER BABE No, not nineteen people, nineteen males. Fewer, actually, because one of them displeased me. Then, because it is unlucky to travel with a factorable number of males, I ate a second. So I will be bringing seventeen. 
KIRK (WHISPERING) Did she say "ate"?
GEORDI (WHISPERING) Must have been a quirk in the translator.
KIRK (WHISPERING) I'm not so sure... 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration, will be back after this message from our sponsor. 
WORF I know that there's nothing so good for me as rotten meat, but sometimes I splurge and eat things I know I shouldn't: chocolate, mints, cinnamon and spice candies, not to mention delicious, tempting fruit or vegetable corpses. 
LURSA (CHUCKLING) That's right! Sometimes we all eat things that aren't good for us! 
WORF This can lead to embarrassing problems, like white teeth and fresh breath... 
LURSA There's nothing worse than having a coworker tell you that you have "mint mouth." 
WORF Fortunately, there's Redox Fetidol Mouth Sludge for Klingons. It browns your teeth and rottens your breath as you brush. 
LURSA And if you can't brush, you can also get Fetidol Sludge Gargle or Fetidol Lozenges. 
SFX: WORF GARGLING
 
LURSA Oh, Worf! Your breath smells so good, I just want to bite off your face! 
WORF Growah! 
CHEESY AD GUY Redox Fetidol Mouth Sludge, Sludge Gargle and Lozenges for Klingons. Available at an organics dispensary near you. 
KLINGON SINGERS Making things better -- Redox! 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR And now, back to our program. While Dr. Crusher, Admiral Kirk and Lt. Commander LaForge are making arrangements to transport Spider Babe and her entourage to the Enterprise, Deanna has gone into labor on board the ship and has been rushed to sickbay. In sickbay... 
NURSE I just wish you could have waited a little longer, Counselor. Since Dr. Crusher is off on the away team, Dr. McCoy is the only one around to deliver the baby. 
DEANNA Oh, no! Well, I suppose he's better than no doctor at all, but... I think I'd rather have Data do it than him. 
NURSE Data's... er... a bit indisposed right now. But maybe we could call Puffie... 
DEANNA No! No... I think Bones will do. 
NARRATOR The nurse summons Bones to sickbay. 
BONES Damnit, I'm a doctor, not a midwife! Besides, it's bad medical practice for a man to deliver his own baby. 
NURSE (TO HERSELF) His own baby? 
DEANNA Well, I certainly can't deliver my own baby! 
NARRATOR A few hours later... 
BABY Waaah! 
DEANNA A Vulcan! But I never had sex with a Vulcan! 
BONES Ha! You don't have to have sex with a damn Vulcan to get pregnant by one. Those sneaky bastards leave their sperm packets lying around everywhere, and unsuspecting women pick 'em up and stick 'em in, and the next thing you know... 
DEANNA But I wouldn't just pick up and insert some sperm packet into myself! I don't even know what they look like! Unless... do they by any chance happen to look like feminine hygiene products? 
BONES I'd say that's a pretty fair description. 
DEANNA Oh, no... 
NARRATOR The nurse summons Sock and Soredick to sickbay. 
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
SOCK You wanted to speak to us, Doctor? 
BONES Yeah. I understand that you people can identify the father of a Vulcan child by its smell. Is that true? 
SOREDICK Where is the child? 
NARRATOR Sock and Soredick sniff the baby. 
SOCK The child is Soredick's. 
SOREDICK Yes, the child is mine. 
DEANNA But I hardly even know you! 
SOREDICK It is common for a mother and child not to know the Vulcan father. 
DEANNA (THOUGHTFULLY) You know, in my culture, it is the custom to name a first-born child after the same-sex parent. But I don't want to name my baby Soredick. It's not a Betazoid name. I hope you won't be offended.
SOREDICK It is not logical to give two people the same name. 
BONES Well, thank goodness. I can't think of a name that's much worse than Soredick.
DEANNA However, as a compromise, I can give my baby an old and honorable traditional Betazoid name that sounds somewhat similar: Lackadick. 
NURSE You're not serious. 
DEANNA Of course, I'm serious! Why wouldn't I be? It's a somewhat common name on my home planet, but not overly common. 
BONES But damnit, woman, think of the meaning! 
DEANNA It has a lovely meaning! In Old Betazoid, Lackadick means "growling giant black bear catching silver fish with his paws by moonlight during the night of the first full moon of the harvest season, right after the rains have returned and brought sustenance to the people after a long drought, while two eagles circle overhead and cry to their chicks, begging them to live because all the others had died and brought grief." 
BONES That's not what it means in English. 
NURSE How can such a short name have such a long meaning? 
DEANNA All of our names have meanings. Don't yours? 
NARRATOR Meanwhile, the shuttle craft returns to the Enterprise, where it is greeted by Captain Picard. 
PICARD Ambassador, welcome to the Enterprise. We are honored to have a guest of your stature on board. 
SPIDER BABE Thank you, Lady Captain. 
PICARD  Lady? 
DR. CRUSHER Ambassador Spider Babe, please allow my servant Geordi to show you and your entourage to your quarters. 
PICARD I'm sorry, but I desperately need you and Geordi to report to Engineering. It's an emergency. Some other...um... servant will have to escort the ambassador. Uhura... 
UHURA Yes, Captain. 
SFX: HUMAN AND SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAKING, CLICKING AND HISSING
 
NARRATOR Picard rushes Beverly and Geordi to Engineering.
SFX: DOOR OPENING
SFX: MULTIPLE FOOTSTEPS
SFX: DOOR CLOSING
 
GEORDI Now, just what exactly is the problem down here, Captain? 
PICARD (ANGUISHED) It's Data... Scotty has... has... taken him apart! 
DR. CRUSHER (HORRIFIED) Oh, my god!
GEORDI Oh, man... you weren't kidding! What happened? 
SCOTTY Well, lad, I really don't know! I was just a'trying to fix a little malfunction he was having, and he up and fell apart. I've never seen the like. I think he may need a wee bit of reassembly... 
GEORDI How did you do this? 
SCOTTY It's a mighty flimsy android y'got yourself here, laddie. I guess they just don't make them like they used to. 
DR. CRUSHER Well, it looks like we may be at this for awhile... 
NARRATOR A few hours later...
SFX: CLICK!
 
GEORDI There! That ought to do it. Are you okay, Data? 
DATA I believe that I am... functioning within normal parameters. However, I would like to request that in the future, if neither Geordi nor Dr. Crusher can come to my aid when I malfunction, that you simply shut me off until such time that they are able to help me. Or get Puffie to do it. 
PICARD Of course, dar--er, Data. 
DR. CRUSHER Data, I think you should come and meet Deanna's new baby... and the Ambassador. 
DATA Have they both arrived? I have missed much since my disassembly! By all means, introduce me to them. 
NARRATOR Data, Geordi and Dr. Crusher go to sickbay to meet the new baby. 
DR. CRUSHER Oh, Deanna! What a cute little Vulcan! 
DATA I was aware that the baby could not possibly have been mine, of course. All the same, when I see this baby, I feel a desire to have offspring of my own. Perhaps I should reconstruct Lal. 
GEORDI Data... are you sure that's possible? 
DATA Oh, yes, Geordi. I have all of her memories and personality stored in my memory banks. 
GEORDI But what about her... malfunction? 
DATA  I have determined that the cause of the malfunction was a resonance effect that destabilized her positronic net. I now know how to prevent a reoccurrence. I shall go and begin work on her at once. 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Star Tricked, the Next Perpetration, will return after this message from the Space Safety Council. 
BACKGROUND: CHILDREN LAUGHING AND PLAYING/FADE
 
CHEESY SAFETY GUY Every year, almost 500 children are sucked out of poorly secured airlocks. 
SFX: SHLOOK!
 
CHILD Waaaaah! 
CHEESY SAFETY 
GUY
Stop the slaughter. Secure all airlocks on your personal spacecraft. Don't lose one more child to carelessness. 
SFX: SHLOOK!
 
CHEESY SAFETY GUY Not one more child. 
SFX: SHLOOK! (ECHOES)
 
CHEESY AD GUY  This ad brought to you by the Space Safety Council. 
MUSIC: TRANSITION THEME MUSIC
 
NARRATOR We now return to our program. After showing Ambassador Spider Babe and her entourage to their quarters, Uhura invites the ambassador to join her in Ten Forward. 
UHURA It's the best place on the Enterprise, sugar. 
SPIDER BABE Yes, I am interested in seeing this place.
NARRATOR Spider Babe and Uhura join Guinan and Beverly Crusher at the bar. 
SPIDER BABE I must confess that I find it difficult to distinguish the sexes of your people. No offense, but are you male or female? 
GUINAN We're all sisters here. 
SPIDER BABE I hope you don't mind my asking, but what physical properties differ between your males and females?
DR. CRUSHER Well... the most obvious differences are hidden by our clothing, but generally, males are larger and heavier than females, and females have large breasts, here... and men are straighter, less curvy. 
GUINAN And they have smaller butts.
UHURA And they're a whole lot dumber. 
SPIDER BABE Well, of course. But I don't understand... if your men are larger and heavier than you, how do you run them down and subdue them when you want to mate? 
UHURA It's a long, slow process, sugar. 
GUINAN Actually, it's usually the other way around. The men run us down and subdue us when they want to mate. 
SPIDER BABE I assume you jest. But you said that your males are stupid... 
DR. CRUSHER Perhaps "stupid" is too strong a word, but they certainly are annoying to the extent that you have to wonder how much they are affected by all that missing genetic material. 
SPIDER BABE Ah, another similarity between our peoples. Our males are also haploid. Only unfertilized eggs develop into males, and since most males don't succeed in fertilizing our eggs, most of our offspring are male. 
DR. CRUSHER Well, that's not quite the way it works with us... our males are diploid except for the sex chromosomes... 
GUINAN Diploid doesn't seem to help men much. Have you noticed how men never turn off the lights when they leave a room? 
UHURA And they never put anything back after they use it. 
DR. CRUSHER And when you tell them it's time for a meal, they suddenly find something else to do, like shower or go to the bathroom, even if they had been doing nothing for the last several hours. 
GUINAN And all they think of is sex.
UHURA It's their default setting, sugar.
DR. CRUSHER Yes, they have two heads... and all their brains are in the one between their legs. 
SPIDER BABE Two heads? That explains why your males are not afraid of mating. Our males have only one head, and they only live a week after the female eats it during mating. But I must say, I have met one of your males who has impressed me greatly. He is the one named Geordi. He showed me a great deal of courtesy, and he actually gave the impression of being intelligent. 
DR. CRUSHER Yes, Geordi is one of our best and brightest. 
SPIDER BABE I ask you to give him to me.
DR. CRUSHER Give him to you? 
SPIDER BABE Yes. It is a custom among my people, that if a lady is a guest among new people, they give her the male of her choice to receive the bounty of her eggs. That forms a bond between the two peoples. 
DR. CRUSHER And you want to give your eggs to Geordi? 
SPIDER BABE That is correct. 
DR. CRUSHER Well... I guess we can talk to him. 
NARRATOR Later, Geordi is talking to Data in Data's quarters. 
GEORDI Apparently I made a big hit with Ambassador Spider Babe. She wants to give me her eggs.
DATA I hope you did not accept the honor, Geordi. 
GEORDI Well, I haven't said no, yet. Why? 
DATA When Termitièrians mate, the female grasps the male in her claspers, eats his head, and then injects her eggs into his abdominal cavity with her ovipositer...
GEORDI She wouldn't do that to a human, would she? 
DATA ... and the male does not feel pain from the injection, since his head is gone. 
GEORDI Your sense of humor has certainly progressed, Data. 
DATA I am not attempting to be humorous, Geordi. Merely informative. 
GEORDI But I don't understand. I'm not a Termitièrian. Any union between myself and Spider Babe would be infertile. 
DATA Termitièrian eggs develop into males when unfertilized, and into females when fertilized, just as in several Earth species of insects. 
GEORDI But if the male is killed immediately, how do any of their eggs get fertilized? 
DATA The male does not die immediately. His body continues to live for another week. His headless body attempts to pierce her body with his penis so that he can inject sperm into her cavity and fertilize a few of the eggs before they all pass through the ovipositer. Very few eggs are fertilized. Therefore, most Termitièrians are male. 
GEORDI You mean you get this headless guy full of eggs walking around for a week??? 
DATA Yes, Geordi. That way, his meat will still be fresh when the eggs hatch in a week. The larvae feed on the male's body. 
GEORDI I didn't think she wanted to mate with me, just give me her eggs to take care of. Well! I guess I'd better tell Spider Babe no, then! 
DATA Tell her no carefully, Geordi. Otherwise, she might just simply eat you without bothering to mate with you first. 
MUSIC: SHARP STAB
 
NARRATOR Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Star Tricked, The Next Perpetration!
Return to the Star Tricked Menu.
Proceed to Episode 10!
Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8
Episode 9 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15  Episode 16
Episode 17

This page was published 9/19/98.

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All contents copyright © 1998 Brenna Lorenz, Megaera Lorenz, Malachi Pulte. All Rights Reserved.
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