| PICARD |
Captain's Personal Log: It has now been several months since our encounter
with Lore. Because of his irresponsible actions, Puffie has been sentenced
to the brig. Deanna will soon be giving birth to... my son. Unfortunately,
Dr. Crusher, along with Admiral Kirk and Lt. Commander LaForge, is currently
meeting with the ambassador of a newly discovered planet, Termitière,
so Dr. McCoy will have to deliver the baby. I am feeling somewhat apprehensive
about Deanna's situation. I just don't know if I'm ready to take on the
responsibilities of fatherhood... |
| RIKER |
First Officer's Personal Log: I really never expected that I would
become a father while on duty! I'm very excited about the prospect, but
I'm a bit worried... how will I be able to manage having a new baby at
the same time as being the commander of a starship? |
| WORF |
Lt. Commander's Personal Log: My encounter with Deanna on Poop World
has resulted in something more than I had expected. What will I say to
Alexander? I never imagined that I would become a father again. |
| NARRATOR |
In Ten Forward, Deanna, Guinan, and Uhura talk about the imminent arrival
of Deanna's baby. |
| UHURA |
Deanna, I think every man on board thinks he's the father of that baby. |
| GUINAN |
Yeah, Don and all the guys in his band have been getting sloshed and
talking about what they're going to name it. |
| DEANNA |
Well, I kind of hope it was Riker. He's so good looking. |
| GUINAN |
Riker?! Well, I guess he's not so bad. |
| UHURA |
Especially with that beard. |
| DEANNA |
Yes, I think beards are really sexy. Especially when the beard is a
lighter color than the rest of the man's hair. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, Data, who has just come into Ten Forward, overhears the
women's conversation. |
| DATA |
(TO HIMSELF) Mm... perhaps, if I acquired a beard, it would enhance
my sexual attractiveness. But how will I accomplish this? I am unable to
grow hair. Perhaps I could create some synthetic hair. |
| NARRATOR |
Data goes into the officers' mess, which is deserted. |
| DATA |
(TO HIMSELF) I believe it might be possible to program one of the food
synthesizers to create a hair-like substance. |
| NARRATOR |
Data experiments with the programming of the food synthesizer. |
| DATA |
These results are not really what I had in mind. I believe that this
substance is too brittle to function as hair. I will have to derive my
hair from some other source. |
| NARRATOR |
Data heads back to his quarters to try to think of a way to acquire
hair. |
| SPOT |
Mwerow! |
| DATA |
Do not be alarmed, Spot. I will not remove all your hair. |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, on the shuttle craft en route to Termitière... |
| GEORDI |
This is a very exciting mission. Do you realize that the people of
Termitière are the first non-humanoid sentient species we have found
in more than a century? |
| KIRK |
Exciting for you, perhaps, young man, but not so much for me... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, I would imagine that this mission is a little tame for you, Admiral.
There's not much swordplay involved in escorting an ambassador. |
| KIRK |
At my age, I am not all that interested in "swordplay," as you put
it, Doctor. But I am still interested in good-looking women, and I doubt
if I will find any on a planet populated by bug people. Present company
excluded, of course. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Hmph! |
| GEORDI |
They're not bug people, sir. Their physiology is nothing at all like
those of terrestrial insects. |
| KIRK |
That may be true, Lt. Commander. But whatever their physiology may
or may not be, they still look like a bunch of damn giant bugs. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
They look more like spiders to me. |
| GEORDI |
Well, whatever they look like, we've got to keep in mind that they're
people, and we should treat them as such. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
The shuttle craft is landing, you two. Get ready. |
| DATA |
Greetings, Captain. I have removed the beard. |
| PICARD |
Ah, good. Trust me, dear, you don't have to try to change yourself
at all for me. I love you just the way you are. |
| DATA |
Thank you, Captain. I... I... I... |
| PICARD |
Data? Data, are you all right?! |
| DATA |
The application "unknown" has unexpectedly quit because an error of
type 1 occurred. You may wish to restart the unit. |
| PICARD |
Oh, my! Data, darling, what's the matter? Is it serious? |
| DATA |
I... I do not believe so, sir. However, I advise that you do
restart me, then take me to engineering for an evaluation and a hard drive
optimization and defragmentation. |
| PICARD |
Of course, Data. Come along, love, let's go and see if Scotty can help
you. |
| DATA |
But, Captain... |
| PICARD |
Hold still and let me restart you, dear. |
| NARRATOR |
Picard restarts Data and brings him to engineering. |
| PICARD |
Scotty, Data seems to be having some sort of trouble. Do you think
you could give him a checkup? |
| DATA |
Captain, I do not believe that... |
| SCOTTY |
Well, Captain, I'll see what I can do. These new-fangled machines don't
make a wee bit of sense to me, you know. |
| PICARD |
All he needs is a routine checkup, Scotty. |
| SCOTTY |
Aye, sir. I'll see what I can do. Sit down, laddie, and let me take
a look at you. |
| DATA |
But... |
| PICARD |
Make it so, Data! |
| DATA |
Yes, sir. |
| SCOTTY |
Now let me see. How do we take a look inside, do you suppose? Ah, here
we are. |
| KIRK |
(IN A WHISPER) My god... she's enormous! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(IN A WHISPER) And they all move so fast! I'm glad these people are
our allies... |
| GEORDI |
Hello, Ambassador. We've come to escort you to the Federation headquarters. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Greetings, ladies. You do me great honor. My name is Spider Babe. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
(QUIETLY) Spider Babe?! |
| GEORDI |
(QUIETLY) I'm sure it's just the translation. |
| KIRK |
Ladies?? Excuse me, madam, but I am Admiral James T. Kirk, and I am
not a lady, I assure you. I am male. |
| SPIDER BABE |
What is this? The Federation has sent males to escort me to
my post? This is an insult that cannot be borne! |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I am female, Ambassador Spider Babe. These two males are merely my...
uh... servants. |
| KIRK |
What? I'm not -- ouch! Hey! |
| SPIDER BABE |
Your servant seems rather impetuous. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
I apologize, Madam Ambassador, for the behavior of my servant. The
males of my species are slow to learn and difficult to train. I beg for
your understanding. |
| SPIDER BABE |
And I apologize for my quick temper. The males of my species are the
same. And what is your name? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh... I'm sorry. My name is Beverly Crusher. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Really! An odd and striking name... well, perhaps it's just the translator. |
| GEORDI |
Um... Honorable Madam Ambassador Spider Babe, we have been told that
you will be accompanied by an entourage of nineteen people. Is that correct? |
| SPIDER BABE |
No, not nineteen people, nineteen males. Fewer, actually, because
one of them displeased me. Then, because it is unlucky to travel with a
factorable number of males, I ate a second. So I will be bringing seventeen. |
| KIRK |
(WHISPERING) Did she say "ate"? |
| GEORDI |
(WHISPERING) Must have been a quirk in the translator. |
| KIRK |
(WHISPERING) I'm not so sure... |
| NARRATOR |
And now, back to our program. While Dr. Crusher, Admiral Kirk and Lt.
Commander LaForge are making arrangements to transport Spider Babe and
her entourage to the Enterprise, Deanna has gone into labor on board the
ship and has been rushed to sickbay. In sickbay... |
| NURSE |
I just wish you could have waited a little longer, Counselor. Since
Dr. Crusher is off on the away team, Dr. McCoy is the only one around to
deliver the baby. |
| DEANNA |
Oh, no! Well, I suppose he's better than no doctor at all, but... I
think I'd rather have Data do it than him. |
| NURSE |
Data's... er... a bit indisposed right now. But maybe we could call
Puffie... |
| DEANNA |
No! No... I think Bones will do. |
| NARRATOR |
The nurse summons Bones to sickbay. |
| BONES |
Damnit, I'm a doctor, not a midwife! Besides, it's bad medical practice
for a man to deliver his own baby. |
| NURSE |
(TO HERSELF) His own baby? |
| DEANNA |
Well, I certainly can't deliver my own baby! |
| NARRATOR |
A few hours later... |
| BABY |
Waaah! |
| DEANNA |
A Vulcan! But I never had sex with a Vulcan! |
| BONES |
Ha! You don't have to have sex with a damn Vulcan to get pregnant by
one. Those sneaky bastards leave their sperm packets lying around everywhere,
and unsuspecting women pick 'em up and stick 'em in, and the next thing
you know... |
| DEANNA |
But I wouldn't just pick up and insert some sperm packet into myself!
I don't even know what they look like! Unless... do they by any chance
happen to look like feminine hygiene products? |
| BONES |
I'd say that's a pretty fair description. |
| DEANNA |
Oh, no... |
| NARRATOR |
The nurse summons Sock and Soredick to sickbay. |
| SOCK |
You wanted to speak to us, Doctor? |
| BONES |
Yeah. I understand that you people can identify the father of a Vulcan
child by its smell. Is that true? |
| SOREDICK |
Where is the child? |
| NARRATOR |
Sock and Soredick sniff the baby. |
| SOCK |
The child is Soredick's. |
| SOREDICK |
Yes, the child is mine. |
| DEANNA |
But I hardly even know you! |
| SOREDICK |
It is common for a mother and child not to know the Vulcan father. |
| DEANNA |
(THOUGHTFULLY) You know, in my culture, it is the custom to name a
first-born child after the same-sex parent. But I don't want to name my
baby Soredick. It's not a Betazoid name. I hope you won't be offended. |
| SOREDICK |
It is not logical to give two people the same name. |
| BONES |
Well, thank goodness. I can't think of a name that's much worse than
Soredick. |
| DEANNA |
However, as a compromise, I can give my baby an old and honorable traditional
Betazoid name that sounds somewhat similar: Lackadick. |
| NURSE |
You're not serious. |
| DEANNA |
Of course, I'm serious! Why wouldn't I be? It's a somewhat common name
on my home planet, but not overly common. |
| BONES |
But damnit, woman, think of the meaning! |
| DEANNA |
It has a lovely meaning! In Old Betazoid, Lackadick means "growling
giant black bear catching silver fish with his paws by moonlight during
the night of the first full moon of the harvest season, right after the
rains have returned and brought sustenance to the people after a long drought,
while two eagles circle overhead and cry to their chicks, begging them
to live because all the others had died and brought grief." |
| BONES |
That's not what it means in English. |
| NURSE |
How can such a short name have such a long meaning? |
| DEANNA |
All of our names have meanings. Don't yours? |
| NARRATOR |
Meanwhile, the shuttle craft returns to the Enterprise, where it is
greeted by Captain Picard. |
| PICARD |
Ambassador, welcome to the Enterprise. We are honored to have a guest
of your stature on board. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Thank you, Lady Captain. |
| PICARD |
Lady? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Ambassador Spider Babe, please allow my servant Geordi to show you
and your entourage to your quarters. |
| PICARD |
I'm sorry, but I desperately need you and Geordi to report to Engineering.
It's an emergency. Some other...um... servant will have to escort the ambassador.
Uhura... |
| UHURA |
Yes, Captain. |
| GEORDI |
There! That ought to do it. Are you okay, Data? |
| DATA |
I believe that I am... functioning within normal parameters. However,
I would like to request that in the future, if neither Geordi nor Dr. Crusher
can come to my aid when I malfunction, that you simply shut me off until
such time that they are able to help me. Or get Puffie to do it. |
| PICARD |
Of course, dar--er, Data. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Data, I think you should come and meet Deanna's new baby... and the
Ambassador. |
| DATA |
Have they both arrived? I have missed much since my disassembly! By
all means, introduce me to them. |
| NARRATOR |
Data, Geordi and Dr. Crusher go to sickbay to meet the new baby. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Oh, Deanna! What a cute little Vulcan! |
| DATA |
I was aware that the baby could not possibly have been mine, of course.
All the same, when I see this baby, I feel a desire to have offspring of
my own. Perhaps I should reconstruct Lal. |
| GEORDI |
Data... are you sure that's possible? |
| DATA |
Oh, yes, Geordi. I have all of her memories and personality stored
in my memory banks. |
| GEORDI |
But what about her... malfunction? |
| DATA |
I have determined that the cause of the malfunction was a resonance
effect that destabilized her positronic net. I now know how to prevent
a reoccurrence. I shall go and begin work on her at once. |
| NARRATOR |
We now return to our program. After showing Ambassador Spider Babe
and her entourage to their quarters, Uhura invites the ambassador to join
her in Ten Forward. |
| UHURA |
It's the best place on the Enterprise, sugar. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Yes, I am interested in seeing this place. |
| NARRATOR |
Spider Babe and Uhura join Guinan and Beverly Crusher at the bar. |
| SPIDER BABE |
I must confess that I find it difficult to distinguish the sexes of
your people. No offense, but are you male or female? |
| GUINAN |
We're all sisters here. |
| SPIDER BABE |
I hope you don't mind my asking, but what physical properties differ
between your males and females? |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well... the most obvious differences are hidden by our clothing, but
generally, males are larger and heavier than females, and females have
large breasts, here... and men are straighter, less curvy. |
| GUINAN |
And they have smaller butts. |
| UHURA |
And they're a whole lot dumber. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Well, of course. But I don't understand... if your men are larger and
heavier than you, how do you run them down and subdue them when you want
to mate? |
| UHURA |
It's a long, slow process, sugar. |
| GUINAN |
Actually, it's usually the other way around. The men run us down and
subdue us when they want to mate. |
| SPIDER BABE |
I assume you jest. But you said that your males are stupid... |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Perhaps "stupid" is too strong a word, but they certainly are annoying
to the extent that you have to wonder how much they are affected by all
that missing genetic material. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Ah, another similarity between our peoples. Our males are also haploid.
Only unfertilized eggs develop into males, and since most males don't succeed
in fertilizing our eggs, most of our offspring are male. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well, that's not quite the way it works with us... our males are diploid
except for the sex chromosomes... |
| GUINAN |
Diploid doesn't seem to help men much. Have you noticed how men never
turn off the lights when they leave a room? |
| UHURA |
And they never put anything back after they use it. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
And when you tell them it's time for a meal, they suddenly find something
else to do, like shower or go to the bathroom, even if they had been doing
nothing for the last several hours. |
| GUINAN |
And all they think of is sex. |
| UHURA |
It's their default setting, sugar. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Yes, they have two heads... and all their brains are in the one between
their legs. |
| SPIDER BABE |
Two heads? That explains why your males are not afraid of mating. Our
males have only one head, and they only live a week after the female eats
it during mating. But I must say, I have met one of your males who has
impressed me greatly. He is the one named Geordi. He showed me a great
deal of courtesy, and he actually gave the impression of being intelligent. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Yes, Geordi is one of our best and brightest. |
| SPIDER BABE |
I ask you to give him to me. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Give him to you? |
| SPIDER BABE |
Yes. It is a custom among my people, that if a lady is a guest among
new people, they give her the male of her choice to receive the bounty
of her eggs. That forms a bond between the two peoples. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
And you want to give your eggs to Geordi? |
| SPIDER BABE |
That is correct. |
| DR. CRUSHER |
Well... I guess we can talk to him. |
| NARRATOR |
Later, Geordi is talking to Data in Data's quarters. |
| GEORDI |
Apparently I made a big hit with Ambassador Spider Babe. She wants
to give me her eggs. |
| DATA |
I hope you did not accept the honor, Geordi. |
| GEORDI |
Well, I haven't said no, yet. Why? |
| DATA |
When Termitièrians mate, the female grasps the male in her claspers,
eats his head, and then injects her eggs into his abdominal cavity with
her ovipositer... |
| GEORDI |
She wouldn't do that to a human, would she? |
| DATA |
... and the male does not feel pain from the injection, since his head
is gone. |
| GEORDI |
Your sense of humor has certainly progressed, Data. |
| DATA |
I am not attempting to be humorous, Geordi. Merely informative. |
| GEORDI |
But I don't understand. I'm not a Termitièrian. Any union between
myself and Spider Babe would be infertile. |
| DATA |
Termitièrian eggs develop into males when unfertilized, and
into females when fertilized, just as in several Earth species of insects. |
| GEORDI |
But if the male is killed immediately, how do any of their eggs get
fertilized? |
| DATA |
The male does not die immediately. His body continues to live for another
week. His headless body attempts to pierce her body with his penis so that
he can inject sperm into her cavity and fertilize a few of the eggs before
they all pass through the ovipositer. Very few eggs are fertilized. Therefore,
most Termitièrians are male. |
| GEORDI |
You mean you get this headless guy full of eggs walking around for
a week??? |
| DATA |
Yes, Geordi. That way, his meat will still be fresh when the eggs hatch
in a week. The larvae feed on the male's body. |
| GEORDI |
I didn't think she wanted to mate with me, just give me her eggs to
take care of. Well! I guess I'd better tell Spider Babe no, then! |
| DATA |
Tell her no carefully, Geordi. Otherwise, she might just simply eat
you without bothering to mate with you first. |
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