Cheese Monkey and Pants Weevil
(Psst! Pants Weevil says to
be sure to let him cast
Cheese Monkey says:
dude, I'm the Cheese Monkey talking to you. Who am I? Well, I'm an ugly
monkey, not that it's my fault. My Mom is a macaque monkey and my Dad is
Republican and my Mom said not to put his name on my website. She says
that she and Dad were indiscrete in their youth. Anyway, here is Mom:
I won't even try to tell you what she's doing in this picture. Like, I'm
supposed to tell you about myself, so let's see. I'm 14 years old and my
best friend is this guy named Pants Weevil who lives in my pants. I used
to try and catch him because it bugged me having him in my pants, but he
said that's what primates are for and I should be proud to be an ecosystem.
Like, whatever that means.
School really sucks.
Mom won't let me take the bus to school because she's afraid I'll get the
wrong kind of lice off the seats, so she always drives me and it's really
embarrassing. When we pull into the parking lot, she lets me off in front
of the school and she always calls, "Now, Cheese, honey, you be careful
at school. Say no to drugs, stay away from gangs, and play nicely with
your little friends!" And she has a really loud voice. I think every kid
in the school can hear her. And it doesn't help that she's such a little
Today Mr. Happy
(that's my dick) got a stiffie in math class when I went up to the board
to solve a problem. And when I walked past Brockleigh Eagleblende, Pants
Weevil hid next to Mr. Happy and said, "Hey, baby!" like it was my dick
talking. Now everyone thinks I have a talking dick. I'll squish that dude
yet if I can catch him.
is, like, the bomb. She has huge knockers. When she walks into a room,
you see only her boobs for the first minute and then the rest of Brockleigh
walks in. I love her, but she hates me. She's really popular and I'm not,
and she likes this guy who is the type who sends in his picture to Am
I Hot or Not and gets rated a 10. If I can sneak a photo of Brockleigh
I'll put it here so you can see what I mean about her tits. Although if
she finds out I put her picture on my website she'll hate me even more,
name is Pants Weevil, because I am a pants weevil. And that's weevil,
not weasel. I get really pissed off when someone calls me a pants weasel.
That's something else altogether. When I get pissed off, I bite, so watch
it, okay? Monkey boy said I was his best friend which is really funny because
he's always trying to squish me. But one thing about us parasites: if you
have parasites you're never alone in the world. And if you're a parasite
yourself, you're never alone in the world, either. Of course, that's a
mixed blessing. When your lifelong companion is Monkey boy, being alone
might be a more attractive option.
I never met
my Mom. She laid her eggs on Monkey boy and then disappeared. Maybe his
Mom ate her. My siblings have wandered off to more attractive hosts, but
Monkey boy suits me okay. He's lots of fun, actually.
Like, it's fun
to crawl into his ear and whisper stuff to him. Like, "Is it still there?"
Whenever I do that, he feels his crotch. It's an old joke with us pants
Would you like
me to cast your horoscope? Yeah? If so, then read
Cheese Monkey or Pants Weevil.
What the World Can Do Without
|According to Cheese Monkey
||According to Pants Weevil
Christmas songs sung by chipmunks
The Backstreet Boys except for the one
who can make hamburgers appear. Hamburgers are cool.
Dogs who eat shit
Rock Meathaddock (Brockleigh's boyfriend)
Zits that won't pop
Sticky poop - the kind that won't wipe
Dump bombs, especially at school
Candy rootbeer kegs
Those orange candy peanut things
Touched by an Angel
Girls who claim they don't fart
Garlic (makes blood taste like shit)
Crabs (they think they own the place)
Weevils who can fly (show-offs)