Cheese Monkey and Pants Weevil

(Psst! Pants Weevil says to be sure to let him cast your horoscope!)

Dude, this is a picture of me, Cheese Monkey, in my underwear!

Cheese Monkey says:
    Like, dude, I'm the Cheese Monkey talking to you. Who am I? Well, I'm an ugly monkey, not that it's my fault. My Mom is a macaque monkey and my Dad is a prominent Republican and my Mom said not to put his name on my website. She says that she and Dad were indiscrete in their youth. Anyway, here is Mom:
Photo of my Mom, Stacy. I won't even try to tell you what she's doing in this picture. Like, I'm supposed to tell you about myself, so let's see. I'm 14 years old and my best friend is this guy named Pants Weevil who lives in my pants. I used to try and catch him because it bugged me having him in my pants, but he said that's what primates are for and I should be proud to be an ecosystem. Like, whatever that means.
    School really sucks. Mom won't let me take the bus to school because she's afraid I'll get the wrong kind of lice off the seats, so she always drives me and it's really embarrassing. When we pull into the parking lot, she lets me off in front of the school and she always calls, "Now, Cheese, honey, you be careful at school. Say no to drugs, stay away from gangs, and play nicely with your little friends!" And she has a really loud voice. I think every kid in the school can hear her. And it doesn't help that she's such a little monkey.
    Today Mr. Happy (that's my dick) got a stiffie in math class when I went up to the board to solve a problem. And when I walked past Brockleigh Eagleblende, Pants Weevil hid next to Mr. Happy and said, "Hey, baby!" like it was my dick talking. Now everyone thinks I have a talking dick. I'll squish that dude yet if I can catch him.
    Brockleigh Eagleblende is, like, the bomb. She has huge knockers. When she walks into a room, you see only her boobs for the first minute and then the rest of Brockleigh walks in. I love her, but she hates me. She's really popular and I'm not, and she likes this guy who is the type who sends in his picture to Am I Hot or Not and gets rated a 10. If I can sneak a photo of Brockleigh I'll put it here so you can see what I mean about her tits. Although if she finds out I put her picture on my website she'll hate me even more, heh, heh.

This is a picture of the greatest guy, me, Pants Weevil.Pants Weevil says:
    My name is Pants Weevil, because I am a pants weevil. And that's weevil, not weasel. I get really pissed off when someone calls me a pants weasel. That's something else altogether. When I get pissed off, I bite, so watch it, okay? Monkey boy said I was his best friend which is really funny because he's always trying to squish me. But one thing about us parasites: if you have parasites you're never alone in the world. And if you're a parasite yourself, you're never alone in the world, either. Of course, that's a mixed blessing. When your lifelong companion is Monkey boy, being alone might be a more attractive option.
    I never met my Mom. She laid her eggs on Monkey boy and then disappeared. Maybe his Mom ate her. My siblings have wandered off to more attractive hosts, but Monkey boy suits me okay. He's lots of fun, actually.
    Like, it's fun to crawl into his ear and whisper stuff to him. Like, "Is it still there?" Whenever I do that, he feels his crotch. It's an old joke with us pants weevils.
    Would you like me to cast your horoscope? Yeah? If so, then read your horoscope!
 

Email Cheese Monkey or Pants Weevil.
 

What the World Can Do Without

According to Cheese Monkey According to Pants Weevil
  • Christmas songs sung by chipmunks
  • Ponies
  • The Backstreet Boys except for the one who can make hamburgers appear. Hamburgers are cool.
  • Dog shit
  • Dogs who eat shit
  • Rock Meathaddock (Brockleigh's boyfriend)
  • Zits that won't pop
  • Sticky poop - the kind that won't wipe off.
  • Dump bombs, especially at school
  • School
  • Candy rootbeer kegs
  • Those orange candy peanut things
  • Touched by an Angel
  • Girls who claim they don't fart
  • Raid
  • DDT
  • Louse shampoo
  • Roach motels
  • Diazinon
  • Fingernails
  • Garlic (makes blood taste like shit)
  • Crabs (they think they own the place)
  • Deodorant
  • Teeth
  • Tight pants
  • Weevils who can fly (show-offs)
  • Parthenogenetic insects
  • Weevil mites
  • Contact sports

 

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Cheese Monkey's rants.

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