Fart rhymes from the schoolyard: a treasury of childhood fartlore

 Beans, Beans

Beans, beans, the musical fruit:
The more you eat, the more you toot! [or poot]
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!  or So beans, beans for every meal! (Alternate last line submitted by Mark R.)
    (Additional lines submitted by Tanya R.)
I ate my beans and they were loaded,
Went to bed and they exploded!

(Collected in Syracuse, NY, early 1960s)

Beans, beans, are good for your heart!
The more you eat, the more you fart!
The more you fart, the better you feel,
So let's have beans for every meal!

(Submitted by Andy Slavin of the U.K.:)
Beans, beans, good for ya heart
The more ya eat the more ya fart
The more ya fart the more ya eat
The more ya sit on the toilet seat!

(Submitted by Kalynn:)
Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So lift up your leg and let one squeal!

 Peaches

Peaches, peaches, I smell peaches,
Yonder goes a boy with a hole in his breeches!
 

 Going Down the Highway

Going down the highway,
Going eighty-four,
Johnny cut a gasser
And it blew me out the door!
The engine, it exploded,
The chassis fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

    (submitted by Jennifer A. Substitute the name of your choice for "Johnny.")

Going down the highway
Highway number 4,
Johnny let a fart
And blew me out the door;
The wheels started shaking,
The engine fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

    (submitted by Sundown. Substitute the name of your choice for "Johnny.")

Drivin' down the highway,
Doin' sixty-four,
Johnny let a big one,
Blew me out the door!
Earth couldn't take it,
Space fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

    (submitted by BalletIZMe)

Riding down the highway,
Route 44,
Johnny made a big one
And blew us out the door!
The engine couldn't take it,
The caboose fell apart,
All because of Johnny's
Supersonic fart!

 A Little Gush of Wind

A little gush of wind
Straight from the heart;
It tickled down my backbone
And it's also called a fart.

A fart can be useful;
It gives the body ease,
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas.
 

Skinny and Fatty

Skinny and Fatty lying in bed,
Skinny lets a fart, Fatty's dead,
Skinny calls the doctor, doctor says,
One more fart, we'll all be dead
 

Gene, Gene, Made a Machine

Gene, Gene made a machine.
Joe, Joe made it go.
Art, Art let a fart
And blew the whole machine apart.
    (alternate last line, submitted by Louie)
And blew the whole damn thing apart.
    (alternate last line submitted by Mark R.)
And blew it all apart.

Marty, Farty

Marty, Farty,
Had a party,
All the gang was there.
Mr. Chopper
Let a whopper,
All went out for air!

(Submitted by Tanya W., another variant which was circulating among the kindergarten crowd in the 1970s:)

Harty Farty
Had a party,
All the Farts were there;
Tutti Fruiti
Let a beauty,
And they all went out for air.

(Submitted by Michael H., who heard it from a friend in Ireland:)

Arty Farty
Threw a party,
And all the farts were there;
Tooty Frooti
Let a beauty,
And they all came up for air.

Wherever You May Be

Wherever you may be
Let your wind pass free.
 

There Once Was a Man from Rangoon

There once was a man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon;
When you'd least expect 'em
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon!!
 

There Was a Young Girl of la Plata

There was a young girl of la Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.

A Farting Horse

A farting horse will never tire,
A farting man's the man to hire.

    (A variant submitted by bruzz)

A farting man will never tire,
A farting horse is the one to sire.

The Fart is a Wondrous Thing

The fart it is a wondrous thing that's made inside your belly,
It comes out of your bottom and is often very smelly.
Now, everybody does them, from beggars through to queens
And you can do some beauties when you've been eating beans!

So don't worry about those rumblings,
Be proud of all your trumps!
But remember, if you strain too hard
Your farts come out as lumps!

Here I Sit

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Paid a dime but only farted.
Yesterday I took a chance,
Saved a dime but shat my pants.

(Submitted by Mary:)

Here I sit, broken-hearted,
Had to shit but only farted.  (or, Tried to shit but only farted, variant submitted by Angelfan)

(Submitted by RaiderEp:)

Here I sit all broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted!
Here I sit in a trance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants!

(Submitted by BigZ)

Here I sit all broken hearted;
Paid a nickle to shit and only farted.
If that nickle broke your heart,
I hope you shit every time you fart.

    (Submitted by SlarryMBOB)

Here I sit, broken hearted,
Tried to shit but only farted;
Then one day I took a chance,
Tried to fart but shit my pants!

    (Submitted by Aryeh G.)

Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin',
Giving birth to another Texan.

Why Fart?

Why fart and waste it,
When you can burp and taste it?

When I Get Up

When I get up to wipe my ass,
I like to pass a little gas;
It clears my hole
And dries the bowl
And shows I got a lotta class.

10-20-30

Substitute the name of your choice for Name:

10-20-30-40-50 or more:
Name cut a fart in the grocery store!

Thirty people died trying to hold their breath,
And Name cut another one and blew out the rest!
 

 When You're Hot

When you're hot you're hot,
And when you're not you're not;
But when you're on the pot,
Give it all you've got.

Better to Fart

Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than hold the fart and bear the pain!

    (Alternate version submitted by fun2see)

It's better to fart and feel the shame,
Than hold it in and feel the pain.

F is For Fart

F is for fart that stirs up a breeze,
And smells even worse then Limberger cheese.

Some Come Here

Some come here to sit and think,
But I come here to shit and stink!

Origin of the Addams Family

The Addams family started
When Uncle Fester farted;
Their children are retarded,
The Addams family!

    (Submitted by Ad C.)

When the Addams family started,
Uncle Fester farted,
He farted thru the keyhole
And paralysed the cat
The cat got all excited
And shouted "MAN UNITED!"
And Man United shouted "The Addams Family!"

Marty Barty Farted

Marty Barty farted,
The smell made him retarded,
The ozone was outsmarted
By the awful smell!

The Farter From Sparta

There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
While he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Fart, Fart

Fart, fart!
It comes out like a dart!
I wish my farts
Could come out like a singing lark...

Excuse Me for My Ignorance

Excuse me for my ignorance,
It wasn't very smart,
But if it came out the other end
It would've been a fart!

A Fart is a Chemical Substance

A fart is a chemical substance,
It comes from a place called bum;
It penetrates through the trousers,
And lands with a musical hum.
To fart, to fart, 'tis no disgrace;
It warms the blankets on cold winter nights,
And suffocates all the fleas.

A Belch is But a Gentle Wind

A belch is but a gentle wind
That cometh from the heart,
But when it takes a downward turn
It then becomes a fart.

    (Submitted by Fiona M., of Scotland)

Oh, Pardon me for being so rude,
It was not me it was my food,
But if it had not passed my heart,
It would have ended up as a fart.

Siapa Yang Kentut?

 (This Indonesian playground rhyme is a modification of a cute little song about a train, and is used as a counting game. The person who gets the last word is the one who supplied the fart. The translation is "Toot, toot, toot, who is it who farted?")

The Vapors

  Why is Fart
  a word we can't say?
  Despite the fact we Fart
  countless times each day.
  "Expel gas"; "have flatus"
  The terms O.K. to use
  But to avoid the word Fart
  doesn't serve to diffuse
  The smell and the noise
  when one slips out
  Whether silent but deadly
  or odorless and loud.
  Is it all in the word
  or is it always pestiferous?
  Is flatus benign
  while a Fart is odoriferous?
  A Fart is indeed gas
  better out than in
  Noxious and noisy
  but certainly no sin.
  It's socially frowned upon
  to rectally groan
  So it's best to enjoy Farting
  while sitting alone.
  But if one sneaks out
  during a meeting or parting
  Simply play dumb and say,
  "Who the heck's Farting?"
  If there are two
  so it's obviously you
  Say, "Don't be embarassed,
  I do that too."
  To talk about Farting
  or flatus or gas
  The words are synonymous
  as long as not passed.
  If you Fart quite a lot
  you need not despair
  It means you're quite wealthy:
  a self-made million-air!

Here Comes the Bride

Here comes the bride all dressed in brown,
It used to be white but she crapped on her gown.

Her comes the bride; she looks pretty smart,
She stopped in the aisle and let out a fart.

There runs the groom because he heard the boom,
He's heading towards the door,
He never smelt that brand before!

Fart Poem

I do declare there is some art
In making you, the perfect fart,
It ain't no easy matter, Mum,
To push this air from out my bum
In such a way that I may pass
Enchanting music out my ass.
 

Fart Riddles

A Riddle

What is motherless, fatherless,
Born without skin,
Spoke one word
And never spoke again?

    Ans.: A fart, of course!

(Another version, submitted by Brad L.)
What is born into this world
Without hide, hair, or skin;
Cries once and never cries again?

More Riddles

What goes through your pants without making a hole?

What is the difference between a Klingon fart and a sandstorm?

Answer: A sandstorm does not glow in the dark!

(If you are interested in Klingon farts, you  might want to see what happens when Worf gets into a farting duel with the Prince of Bigassia in Star Tricked: the Next Perpetration: Episode 14.)

What is the definition of a surprise?

Answer: A fart with a lump in it!

Do farts have lumps?

Answer: No? Then I just shit my pants!
 

He who denied it
Supplied it.

(Submitted by Ellie:)
You said the rhyme -
You did the crime!
(or the variant submitted by Brutus)
Whoever said the rhyme
Did the crime.

(Submitted by Jon:)
The smellers
The feller!

(Submitted by Snoopidog)
You said it,
You let it!

(Submitted by Louie "Poohy" Oster)
He who detected it
Ejected it!

    (Submitted by Louie "Poohy" Oster)
Whoever snooped it
Pooped it!

(Submitted by brian)
"The dog always digs up the bone."

(Submitted by Mary S.)
"The skunk smells his own hole first."

(Submitted by M.L.G.)
"The fox smells his own hole first."

(Submitted by WT from Scotland)
Who farted? Me mammy,
Dae it again son,
Me cannae,
God bless your wee bum.

(Submitted by RaiderEp)
The one with a gaseous demeanor
Is the one with the smell that is meaner!!
    (with reply:)
I can only attest
To a smell that is best!
 

    M. Rodrigues submitted this one: Get your friends to say this fast: One smart man, he felt smart; two smart men, they felt smart; three smart men, they all felt smart!

    Scott offers this version of the one above: One smart fellow, he felt smart; two smart fellows, they both felt smart.

    Write this out on a card and have your friend read it out loud, preferably in front of a large audience: "I  Shurf Artol Ot." Submitted by Vance W.
 

A fart is nothing but the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd. (Submitted by LT683)

A fart's a shit without the mess. (from George Carlin, submitted by Painindnek)

If two people are in an elevator and one person farts, everyone knows who did it.  (from George Carlin, submitted by Painindnek)

He who farts last is the last one farting. (Submitted by Butter214)

He who farts in church sits in his own pew. (Submitted by Lorie B.) or He who fart in church sit in own pew. (Submitted by Beach)

Fart three times and get a wish. (Submitted by Malachi)

If someone farts in the car, all persons should take three deep breaths and it will all be gone. (Submitted by Dick M.)

Vulcan saying: Only a Klingon would fart in an airlock. (Submitted by BCorri)

Farting is your ass's way of saying "hi" when you forget it's there. (Submitted by Grim.)

It gives two people something NOT to talk about! (Submitted by Grim.)

Flatulence comes from the heart of the body, but the body it comes from is heartless. (Quote by Randy Mehling of Pineville, Louisian, submitted by Chad J.)

Something to say before farting: "My butt has to say something." (Submitted by Amy)

A fart not smelled is a fart wasted. (Submitted by Rob S., his grandfather's saying)
 

    Jimmy K. tells of a friend who says, "Speak to me, oh, toothless one!"  Similarly, Bazzbull says, "Speak to me, ol' toothless wonder!" And EHALL says, "Oh, toothless one! Your voice has changed but your breath is still the same!"

    TGeaber says, "It's that asshole talking behind my back again!" And Roman K. says, "Did you hear what that asshole said?!" Eimiee2 says, "Some asshole is talkin' shit behind your back."

    Gpgo and his frat brothers say, "Oops! A sudden loss in cabin pressure!"

    Murray E. sends this account of a response to belching: "Once, when Dorothy Parker was at a dinner, a man burped quite loudly  she is reported to have looked at him and said, 'why didn't you use the other end and save your teeth?'"

    According to BSneed, after Czechs let out a silent fart, they announce the fact by saying, "Soytka," to let their friends know they might be smelling something. The word refers to a kind of little bird.

    According to Rodney Y., his father says after farting, "Speak up, Asshole - Don't take that shit!"

    Another father, that of LeNaye, says the following: "There's a kiss for you!" or "The ducks are calling." or "Damn frogs..."

    When someone else farts, Mack says, "Oh, stop your bragging!"

    According to Chris, the thing to say in northern England after farting is, "More tea, Vicar?"

    Ron C.'s father, a Royal Navyman, would say, "Don't worry - plenty for all!"

    Bill J. and Matt K. say, "When farts are transported past another while still engulfed in one's pants, one should ask the perpetrator, 'Are you draggin' skags??'"

    According to Marci, Rodney Dangerfield said, "Hey, did somebody step on a duck?" in Caddyshack.

    According to Brandon P., in Mexico, what you say is, "Reza por tu alma porque tu cuerpo ya esta podrido." This means, "Pray for your soul because your body is already rotten."

    Glen B. suggests announcing, "AQA!" which means "air quality alert!"

    Joel D. and his college friends say, "Take that, underwear!" or would substitute other victims such as atmosphere, pants, ozone layer, nose etc.

    According to Rowan E., in the Australian army one says, "Keep calling, Sir! We'll find you!"

   Altond had a high school friend who would say, "Catch that and paint it blue!"  And in the army, when a person farted, someone would say, "Colonel who?"

    David H. says that before you fart, you should say, "Did you hear that?" and when the other person says, "What?" you let it rip.

    If someone else produces a particularly odiferous emission, ifartoften says you should say, "What crawled up in you and died?"

    GMR reports hearing this one in Scotland, "Well, there's no point in having an arse if you can't let it rejoice in song!"