You'se My Friend

[Spoken]
Well, hello there, Catjuice Charlie!
Well, what do you say there, Pigmeat Pete?
Boy, I got something to tell you!
What is it?
Look here:

I know your gal Sally.
For short I call her Hallie.
Boy, she dress very well, I must confess,
But this is how she looks at her best:
Got arms like a blacksmith, shaped like a ham,
Dumb as a mule from Alabam,
Got a hump in her back, one cork leg,
Warts on her neck just as big as a egg,
Her hair's all out, teeth out, too,
Mouth like a bucket, a nose like a screw,
Underslung jaw and a gump chin.
Is you talkin' 'bout my gal?
No, cause you'se my friend!

No, you know I couldn't talk about your gal,
No, indeed!
No, long as I been knowing you?
Hmm-hmm.
No, I couldn't do nothin' like that!
But you gal keeps the dirtiest house of anyone I know,
Dirt piled knee-deep up on her kitchen floor,
Dishes piled up in the sink,
Sheets on her bed as black as ink;
Her bathtub done spring a leak,
She don't know it, and it's been a week;
She think she look good to all the men.
Is you talkin' 'bout my gal?
No, 'cause you'se my friend!

Man, I couldn't say nothin' about your gal,
I don't see how you could, Charlie.
No, I know your girl too well.
Yeah, I say you do!
Look here, but I gotta tell you this here:
Hmm?
Your gal's bowl-legged, knock-kneed, wear a twenty-four shoe,
Look like a baboon in the zoo,
Her head as big as a Georgia mule,
And her mouth stretched open like a swimmin' pool,
Big as a elephant, shaped like a seal,
Rusty knees and ingrown heel,
And think she looks good to all the men.
Is you talkin' 'bout my gal?
No, 'cause you'se my friend!

Boy, I couldn't say nothin' about your girl!
No, not when you eat in my house!
No, your girl is a real disrespectable lady!
Um-hmm.
And she's the stealin'est woman I ever did see!
Hmm?
She can steal the sugar out your coffee and tea,
Man, she went to church, stole the preacher's text,
Stole the deacon's overcoat, and she say, "Well, what next?"
Her arm is long, also her hand,
Cause she stuck them in the pocket of the sexton man,
Stole glory hallelujah, she reached that amen.
Is you talkin' 'bout my gal?
No, cause you'se my friend!

Published 9/17/99.

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